All You Need is Love
by The Carnivorous Muffin
Summary: Light Yagami tries his hand at a normal relationship, unfortunately for Naomi Misora he's been taking lessons from her Myspace stalkers.
1. Chapter 1

Naomi Misora was what most sane humans called paranoid; completely and utterly paranoid. She had always been that way, it was what made her the FBI agent she was. Well, the FBI agent she had been before she and Raye had decided to get married. (Raye secretly hoped the paranoia would disappear with the lack of a job, and that she might actually become halfway normal; sadly Raye had no former experience when dealing with insanity)

Part of it stemmed from her perpetual bad luck. If something could go wrong it would turn into a disaster unimaginable within five seconds. There had once been a time when Naomi's parents left her home alone when she was a small child, somehow she had managed to start a neighborhood fire with a box of matches and birthday candles. There was also the time Naomi managed to brutally injure ten of her classmates because she tripped over someone's foot. The time she killed her neighbor's cat with a spork and buried it in the backyard only to have it found six months later by the neighbor's dog. With a childhood filled with traumatizing events, all of them stemming from her own misfortune, Naomi had learned that even a half filled paint can teetering on a ladder suspiciously near a drunkard was an enemy waiting to strike.

But Naomi realized in her late teens, after many years of explosions and various other mishaps, sitting in Chemistry with another disaster in the waiting that Naomi enjoyed being paranoid. She was good at it, she was by far the most paranoid person she had ever met. Some people were talented at music, some at mathematics. Naomi Misora believed herself to be very talented at the art of paranoia and suspicion. Of course with this marvelous talent discovered Naomi decided it was time to hone her skills into something halfway useful. With suspicion deduction followed, closely followed by sheer will and determination. (Her parents were not thrilled by the dinner conversations revolving around her suspicions that their neighbors were participating in drunken revels in which they participated in occult traditions and mass orgies; of course, they were even less thrilled when Naomi's theories became true.)

Naomi trusted her paranoia like nothing else in the world, it was her paranoia and not L, that lead to the capture of B. After all, who else but her would ever suspect the man of lighting himself on fire just to best the greatest detective in the world at a macho posing contest? That was why she didn't dismiss the nagging feeling that someone was following her. Actually following would have been easier to describe. It was more like sitting on every other park bench she passed, sitting across from her in the subway, sitting in the table next to her at a café, his back to her as she walked by on the sidewalk. No she wouldn't call it following so much as being in the right place at the right time all the time.

Of course if she ever told Raye she knew the response would be something about how she wasn't an FBI agent anymore; and how she should be doing wife-like duties like joining a book club and not looking for men who seemed to be everywhere at once. (Here Naomi might have interjected, hypothetically, since he wasn't everywhere at once he was just everywhere she was. There was a huge difference. Mainly dealing with physics, but then Raye wasn't a physicist; he was an FBI agent who felt vaguely intimidated by his wife who wore nothing but black.) Then Raye would lean back in his chair, attempt to relax, and Naomi would keep her mouth shut and let her paranoia rage in her head; where it belonged.

_A normal admirer would send you terrible poetry_

_I believe we are above such measures, poetry is for amateurs_

_That's why there is no sense of rhyme or reason to this letter_

_Any boy can write to you of red roses, or of spring days, or of the touch of your lips_

_I can do better than that_

_I can be honest_

_You are too old for me_

_But that never really bothered me in the first place_

**Author's note: Short chapters are because of the fact that this is twenty-one pages and growing and I really want to get this off my desk top. Needless to say this is, crack, you've no doubt figured that out. Why I chose to do this instead of an LxLight fic like everyone else? Well, that's because I've seen AizawaxLight, MatsudaxLight, MikamixLight, SayuxLight... pretty much everyone xLight and I've decided to contribute in my own way. **

**By the by, attempted to fix the grammatical errors (attempted being I added a few periods). As you can tell this wasn't beta'd, if it had been beta'd it might look prettier. I admit it, my grammar is that of a bad fanfic writer. I blame the education system, they don't teach us grammar and then they expect us to use it when analyzing Julius Caeser. It's foolproof!**

**Reviewers would be splendid.**


	2. Chapter 2

She was being stalked by a high school student, there was no denying it. And while at one time in her life (perhaps when she had actually been in high school) she might have found it flattering, now with a wedding ring on her finger she found her eye constantly twitching. There was no visible expression on his face, and when there was one it was the one that was expected of him. An absent smile, a peaceful expression, a tilt of the head downwards; eyes hidden beneath his long auburn hair. The perfect posture that seemed to turn him into a statue rather than a living human being.

It was amazing that it had taken her so long to notice him. After she noticed him he stuck out like a sore thumb. The face was too still vacant of all hints of thought, the eyes hidden from view, the body posture unbelievable. (She once decided to time how long he could hold his position on the park bench. She got bored after three hours and decided it was time to pretend that she had learned to cook for Raye.) He never spoke, hardly even looked her way, but her paranoia was at its highest. She knew he was following her and once more he knew that she knew that he knew… Or something to that effect; there was no doubt that he was up to something.

Crazy kids and their ability to look like statues and stalk someone without giving them the slightest acknowledgement. Smiling without actually smiling because that would require the face to move; and of course the statue boy couldn't move. He moved without moving, laughed without laughing, smirked without smirking. It reminded her of the fairy tales, where inanimate objects came to life only when you didn't look, the statue boy was like that. Only worse, because at least the inanimate objects returned to where they started.

(She decided to give him a name one day, because he didn't look as if he'd be telling her anytime soon. She almost called him Mephistopheles, but it didn't seem to fit. She instead decided on Mr. Snuggles; just to annoy him or rather to keep herself entertained while at home. There was nothing like naming your psychotic high school stalker Mr. Snuggles.)

Every day Mr. Snuggles sat on the bench, never looking her in the eye, sometimes holding a book open though he never read any of it. She would stare at him for ten minutes, waiting for a page to turn; any sign of movement. Mr. Snuggles was not one to disappoint. Sometimes it was a newspaper, the headline screaming something about the Kira killings and the injustice of it all. He never seemed interested in the headlines, but always turned to the page with the editor's comments, never turning it back for the news of Kira. (Or rather the pseudo news of Kira, L was notorious for being stingy with the press. The Kira case was no different, and if anything it was even worse because someone actually wanted to hear about it.)

One day Naomi decided to bring her own book, to take on the challenge presented by his statue-like appearance. But after reading the description "like a ballet dancing cat", the sentence "His eyes were like bowls of butter pecan ice cream with chocolate sauce on top." and various other torture devices presented by the romance novel. (Raye's suggestions that she go join a book club had been in vain. She suspected Mr. Snuggles of being a stalker with too much time on his hands; but she now had a vague feeling that he was good with his hands and his lips tasted like summer sunsets.)

Mr. Snuggles was surprisingly good looking, surprising being the fact that she bothered noticing since he looked like a high school student. The romance novels said that this was a normal occurrence as almost all obsessive stalkers were unnaturally good looking and also had charming personalities even if their entire existence revolved around a single finite person. Had she been younger she might have been flattered, but as it was she was fairly sure Raye would not deal well with competition. Especially that of a boy half his age whose hobby was sitting on park benches pretending to read newspapers.

No best to pretend she actually enjoyed book club, believed in romantic stalkers; and didn't have fantasies about rejoining the FBI, hunting down criminals with a gun, and sniping out Mr. Snuggles once and for all. (But of course if she actually killed Mr. Snuggles who would be the center of her criminal-hunting fantasies? She didn't want to go back to the stage where she would stop Beyond Birthday from lighting himself on fire.)

_The romance novels have advised me to the hobby of watching you sleep_

_Frankly I don't have time to watch you sleep_

_Amusing as it is to watch your paranoia build to unfound heights_

_I simply don't have the time to waste _

_So I leave you with this final statement that will define this relationship_

_The world does not revolve around you_

_My affairs come before yours_

_(and yes that includes romantic gestures such as watching you sleep, eat, read terrible books, watch terrible movies, neglect watering your plastic plants, and listen to you whine endlessly.)_

_Post Script_

_This note does not count as a romantic gesture, rather a passive aggressive complaint_

_Which you deserve completely_

**Author's note: And that's the end of chapter two, about fast updates, it is not because I'm an update ninja. Believe me I'm not, it's because about twenty pages of this is on my computer and it needs to LEAVE! Also having my grammar compared to the relationship between Leonardo Dicaprio and Claire Danes was quite a blow, as a result I actually tried to fix my grammar. I no doubt failed miserably, if anyone who bothered to read this (basically anyone sick of LxLight crack) has any complaints and or metaphors to make about my grammar feel free to share. It will never get better unless someone complains. **

**Thank you to readers and reviewers from the last chapter, surprised I got any actually, I thought I was the only one tired of the Wammy boy's soap opera that seems to be playing constantly across the fandom. You guys rock. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, if I did Light would have won and the world would be one screwed up mess. Hooray.**


	3. Chapter 3

He never signed the notes, but she would have to be an idiot to think that they hadn't come from him. Naomi was very good at her job, or her old job to be exact. She had learn to trust the feelings of distress and paranoia that guided her everyday life. Because Naomi was unlucky enough to have a high school stalker named Mr. Snuggles who wrote her notes in terrible English handwriting (the actual writing was impressive but the letters looked like they had been written by a drunk three year old). Also leave it to her stalker to notice the fact that she appeared to like romance novels. Also leave it to Mr. Snuggles to figure out that she didn't actually like romance novels but comment on it anyway because it amused him to watch her squirm. Damn Mr. Snuggles; damn him to the thirty-seventh layer of Hell. (Naomi wasn't actually sure what Dante kept on that level but if it was that high it must be good.)

Mr. Snuggles sounded like he was supposed to be an old man, it might have been an act of course to pin it on a different person; but something fit too well. The writing matched his posture, stiff, unyielding, and unbelievably stubborn. There were times when she swore the boy looked like a fifty year old man experiencing the worst day of his life consecutively for three months in a row. And despite herself Naomi found herself somewhat interested (somewhat as being more interesting that romance novels but less interesting than the Kira case) in him. The way he seemed to hide himself so easily, the way his mind worked furiously behind his still surface. What was he hiding so skillfully?

Naomi the FBI agent was working again at long last, despite Raye's predictable horror if he ever were to find out about poor Mr. Snuggles. (although she had a feeling it wouldn't end well for Raye if he were to approach the boy, something about him screamed 'I will kill you if you touch me and ruin my routine.') He never wore anything to identify himself, but he appeared to be a well-off Japanese boy who dressed like a business man. The khaki pants put her off at first, but then she was fairly sure he wouldn't have been stalking her in the first place if he was gay. Unless she was a way to get to Raye… But Raye wasn't exactly Mr. Snuggle's type…

He didn't look Japanese, or not as Japanese as the people surrounding him, his hair was far too light (appearing blonde on some days, brown on others, and sometimes she would swear that his hair was red) he always wore a tie (solid colors, he appeared to loathe patterns) and he looked as if he were busy doing something even if that something happened to be nothing at all. People avoided him, walked around him, or on occasion gave minute little giggles and glanced in his direction with blushes on their faces. He ignored everything around him, consumed by his own act of silence.

Some people might have called Naomi obsessed, some people would called her a proactive paranoid, (the type who in the belief that they might get raped would take many self defense classes and deliberately stand in an ally and tempt the vagrants only to beat the living daylights out of them) some people might have even called her crazy. (Her therapist, while using professional words such as 'paranoid schizophrenic' or 'unstable' sent out his daily quota of 'I think you are completely insane and are a danger to my and everyone else's health'.) But Naomi would have laughed and dared them to try and do something in her position. How would she go to the police if she was the police? Restraining order; that would be insulting both for her and Mr. Snuggles. She didn't feel like bothering with death threats; after all he might just get her locked in jail when it was he who stalked her in the first place.

And deep down in her heart, she realized that she enjoyed the fact that he had given her something to do. She no longer had to wonder what job Raye had been given (she had her theories) and just who he was supposed to be following, she no longer had to wait in horror for every awkward conversation with her parents. Mr. Snuggles had given her a hobby and she would secretly be grateful for it.

(She always managed to get a laugh out of his letters. Chuckling over the fact that he thought that she expected a romantic gesture from him. He had an odd sense of humor, one where the majority of the population would find him completely serious and somewhat deranged. Of course on the outside she would never admit to anyone that she looked forward to opening the letter filled with childish scrawl and statements far too absurd to be taken seriously.)

He thought that stalking was tedious but indulged in it all the same, his god-complex nearly matched his narcissism, he laughed at humanity's expectations of him; he laughed at her, he never hinted as to why he sat with that bloody newspaper every day doing absolutely nothing of interest. He sounded as old as her father but with a much better sense of humor, and as the letters increased his appearances in moments of her life decreased. She almost missed them, but then the letters were much less terrifying. Naomi Misora could handle a few letters; but she had the feeling things would only get much worse.

The calm before the storm, Naomi was biding her time before all hell would break loose.

_You're no doubt wondering what you did to deserve my attention_

_Frankly I'm wondering the same exact thing_

_You dress in so much black you'd think there had been a funeral every day of your life_

_You act ridiculously suspicious of everything as if even the sun had it in for you_

_I bet you're even suspicious of this letter_

_What poison did I put in the ink?_

_What death threat is concealed within these letters?_

_You irritate me because you exist_

_Go sit on a tack. _

**Author's Note: Well there you have it, chapter three of this incredibly long crack fic that's well... too long to be funny. Like before this is not beta'd, there are far too many commas, and the plotline appears to be going nowhere. Coincidence? Well yes, it was written by the same person. **

**Thank you to readers, reviewers, you guys are amazing. Almost as amazing as Light's love notes, take that LxLight fluff. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (why do I have to keep writing this? It's obvious I don't.)**


	4. Chapter 4

One day he disappeared completely. No letters, no park bench appearances; it was as if he were a ghost. And for the next forty-eight hours Naomi believed the world just might stop turning. She assumed it was the stages of death. First there was denial, then there was anger, then there was more denial, more anger, the suicidal stage, and then of course acceptance. Naomi was trapped in the anger stage. How dare he, that self-righteous child, walk into her life only with the intention of walking out of it again.

Of course Raye was out more than usual which left her time to brood endlessly and create a dart board with Mr. Snuggle's face pasted right in the center. (Unfortunately she had to move it later as she kept missing his face; and she doubted that Raye would appreciate a few bullet holes in the wall if she pulled her gun out on the thing.) It was evident; Naomi needed a job to survive. Not just any job either, but one that promoted stalking and sheer paranoia. She was beginning to have suspicions again that her neighbors were drug-addicted sex-fiends who tortured animals in their spare time. She did not want to go back to that phase in her life.

Of course the silence on Mr. Snuggles part (not that he ever talked in the first place but there was a sort of silence in the lack of his existence) lasted only so long; because in the end Naomi Misora was pretty damn sure who it was that set up the bus jacking. Damn Mr. Snuggles and his resourcefulness as well as his blatant passive aggression. (Although one couldn't really call it passive aggression when they openly threaten someone through a bus jacking that involved several hostages including one's fiancé; as well as the fact that criminal ended up being run over by a car at the end of it.) Raye was loathe to admit the details; it took several glasses of wine to get the fact that he gave his name (with the Kira case going on for god's sake did he want to die in some horrible accident? Damn him that was the dumbest thing Naomi had ever heard of.) as well as the fact that the criminal ended up dying by the end of the ordeal. Naomi's spider senses (spider sense sounded much more professional than overindulged paranoia caused by boredom) started tingling and to her horror she knew who it had to be. No one but Mr. Snuggles could set up something so elaborate as to get a single point across. No one else would bother setting up a bus jacking to give one tiny little message.

Back off.

Naomi realized several things that night. One, Mr. Snuggles was by far the most bizarre person she had ever met with far too much time on his hands. Two, Raye had been following Mr. Snuggles for about two weeks which caused the sudden change in his schedule. Three, Mr. Snuggles was probably (hopefully not but most likely) Kira. Four, by following Mr. Snuggles Raye had broadcast the words 'I am a complete and utter moron kill me now' onto the back of his head in neon letters. Five, Mr. Snuggles did not take kindly to stalkers and with much patience he had finally snapped and given the ultimate threat. Six, Mr. Snuggles could kill her fiancé at any time he simply chose not to. Seven, Mr. Snuggles probably realized that she knew that he could kill Raye at any time which was part of the reason of the delay. Eight, no normal stalker would ever admit to not being that interested in the person they were stalking, that would be counterproductive. Nine, Raye would never believe the fact that Mr. Snuggles was indeed Kira or the fact that his life was teetering on the railing of a very tall building with lots of sharp pointy things on the street below. Ten, Mr. Snuggles wanted her to go to the police that way he could kill L easier. Eleven, Mr. Snuggles was possibly an alien with supernatural powers. Twelve, she wouldn't be surprised if that were true. Thirteen, her thought process was going absolutely nowhere.

Naomi Misora decided she had been out of a job for too long, and it was high time she contacted L (or directly confronted Mr. Snuggles) and get the whole 'death threat' resolved. L owed her, he never had to watch a man crawl on the floor covered in jam.

_This is just a small note_

_Remember how I said the world did not revolve around you?_

_This being your complaints about my methods, actions, words, and or conduct_

_My actions regarding your fiancé have absolutely nothing to do with you_

_Mr. Raye Penber is very annoying_

_And doesn't know when to LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE_

_I realize it is his job to follow me around like a lost puppy_

_But could he at least put a small amount of effort into not being so bloody noticeable?_

_It's almost embarrassing having to look behind me every day and see him there standing oh so inconspicuously behind me with that newspaper shielding his pasty face_

_Yes, I can see him behind that newspaper the eyes in my face indicate that I am not blind_

_Your fiancé should note this fact next time he comes tapping along behind me_

_Which should be any moment now I might add_

_Here are a few tips I wish to convey to your lover boy_

_Please feel free to tell him for me as I think it's counterproductive for me to tell him_

_Besides it would just point out how inept he truly is_

_Firstly, when following someone try not to walk so loudly and when they stop walking you stop walking_

_Secondly, when following someone do not literally follow them at every single moment of the day this includes lurking outside their room in the dead of night_

_Thirdly, do not wear the same clothes every day especially when on a high school campus not only are you noticeable you look completely ridiculous_

_Fourthly, when on a bus that is being high jacked by a man with a gun do not show your victim your ID with your real name, if you have to use a pseudonym it's not unheard of_

_Fifthly, everyone can see you whispering in the back of the bus your voice is louder than you think_

_Sixthly, don't tell your victim what day your shift ends; you never know when they might have been paying attention._

_Seventhly, when wearing the same clothes every day do not wear a blue trench coat, you want to be mistaken for a drug dealer every time you take a stroll? _

_Eighthly, when glaring at your victim and their date try not to look so completely bored, if you are going for the 'pedophilic-stalker' look be sure to complete it otherwise you look stupid_

_Ninth, walk at a distance far enough away that your victim can't instantly grasp the fact that he is being stalked_

_Tenth, try to look like you're doing something besides following your victim people might start to notice_

_I could go on but I think this should suffice, once again I leave with the statement_

_THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC USELESS BEAU WHO CAN'T EVEN STALK HIS VICTIMS PROPERLY_

_Thank you for your time_

**Author's note: Again, I tried to fix the commas, semi-colons actually exist this time. If you have any complaints please feel free to hit the review button at the bottom of the page. Also thanks to those who've been reading and reviewing, nice to see other people out there. Reviews are appreciated greatly.**

**Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Death Note**


	5. Chapter 5

His voice, while interesting and pleasing to listen to, was not the velvety voice she imagined her stalker might have. For instance, if he were able to sing (which really didn't sound like his type of thing in the first place) he would be a tenor; but in a land far away from the baritone that would make most women drool. It was his words that made him sound like an old man, not his tone. He sounded for all it was worth like a very deranged high school student. The type that sits alone at a lunch table laughing maniacally to himself while eating a sandwich. The one the girls swoon over because they don't listen to a word he actually says.

Delivering a batch of laundry to his father who apparently worked for the NPA (oh the irony was frightening and delightful) he looked bored out of his mind; until he happened to glance to his left and catch sight of her. Of course Naomi had been there to report the very same boy to the NPA for being a stalker and possibly being Kira. (Because really who else had that much time on their hands?) It turned out his eyes were brown that looked gold in the right lighting and red when no one was looking. When he wasn't stalking her he looked somewhat normal. Of course this thought was ruined the moment he turned and spotted her with the pile of passive aggressive notes in his own scrawled English handwriting. (Except for the one note that was in German and took her several hours to translate rather badly, it said 'You are a bear killer and should therefore be shot' she had a feeling she missed a few words because it also said 'I am a jelly doughnut') Being Mr. Snuggles he said absolutely nothing and let Naomi go through her business of hearing the news that no one was actually at the NPA building. spontaneous holiday perhaps?

(Naomi felt a new conspiracy theory boiling in her brain.)

Being the gentleman he opened the door for her and they commenced to an awkward stroll down the gray sidewalk. He seemed lost without the justification of stalking her, finally he spoke. "I expect you delivered my letter to Penber?"

Not even a hello to accompany it, Naomi sent a withering glare that would have had most plastic plants shrieking in their pots.

"He wouldn't appreciate the humor, Raye isn't the 'Ha ha I'm so laughably pathetic type'." It was true, Raye had a terrible sense of humor. Not that she could blame him though, she never had much of a sense of humor either. But at least she didn't think the newspaper comics were actually funny, Raye had no shame when it came to badly cartooned jokes.

"So then you agree, he is laughably pathetic." He didn't smile but he didn't have to; his face was perfectly still but she knew the laughter was echoing somewhere behind those sharp brown eyes. Had it been anyone else she might have been insulted on Raye's behalf; or at least pretended to be insulted on Raye's behalf. She might have even given the lousy ingrate a lecture, but with her high school stalker she decided to shut up and take it. Almost like her experiance with the LABB murder case.

"Raye is an excellent FBI agent," considering his negligible experience as Naomi had ten times as many cases as he had ever had, frankly a rock was a better agent than poor Raye Penber but she never had the heart to tell him. "He simply didn't realize he was following a man who was already an expert in the art of stalking his hapless victims. Had it been anyone else I'm sure he would have done fine." Perhaps _fine _was not the right word; mediocre was much more fitting. But there were things Mr. Snuggles needed to know, and things that must be kept from him at all costs.

It occurred to her that they were not having a particularly normal conversation. Neither of them had said hello or had even asked for the other's name, instead they began bickering about whether or not her future husband made a good stalker. Poor Raye, somewhere in Tokyo he must have been sitting around in a blue trench coat pretending to blend in with his surroundings. He never did understand the art of being a ninja, or rather the art of not being a complete dumbass.

"Liar. We both know he's terrible, after all, if he was any good at his job you wouldn't be here with that box in your hands and that very amusing look of frustration branded across your face. If your beau was good at his job I would be in prison and you wouldn't be dragged to desperate measures as you so obviously are." He was just as bitter and old sounding in person as he was in his notes. She had to wonder what his parents must think of him, sitting at the dinner table a look of murder in his eyes. It was a wonder he wasn't in prison already, clearly he was mentally unstable and a danger to society.

"Well this is all your fault really. You could have refrained from sending him bloody advice, of course I'm going to assume you're Kira when you do something as stupid as that." She was almost positive he was Kira, and the look on his face seemed to reinforce that. From the look on his face he apparently knew that she knew that he was Kira, and either didn't care or wasn't at all worried about it. That was rather frightening.

"You know, I've been thinking about that." He said almost casually.

"Yeah, well it was fairly moronic." She had a bad feeling that insulting Kira's intelligence was not a wise thing to do. Especially when he began to grin, oh yes she was frightened of Mr. Snuggles now.

"And looking over a little bit of your past I noticed one or two odd things, such as your therapy records. Does the word paranoid schizophrenic ring any bells?" Here he paused, pulling a paper from his jacket pocket, reading over it while shaking his head in mock disproval. "My my, what mental problems you have my dear Misora-san. It's a wonder you haven't been locked in prison for the good of society."

"I'll have you know I got that bastard fired! And where did you get those records anyway, I swore I burned all of them!"

"The internet is a very frightening place, full of nasty things no one wants to get out."

They paused, looked at each other, and wondered which of them would regret their ruined reputation more.

"You spill your guts and I spill your brains all over the media, including and not limited to L's desktop. Think of it this way, it's a win-win situation. I continue being the innocent high-school student and you continue being the discontent wife."

There were no words to describe how very evil Mr. Snuggles was. Resorting the most vile of blackmail, well, she would do the same thing if she were in his position. But still! She had a reputation to take care of! Yes she may have been an tiny bit unstable as an adolescent but those days were over, he was not going to ruin her non-existant career all for the sake of his warped sense of justice.

But then, he was being generous; for being a psychotic murderer. She had nothing personal against Kira himself. Naomi Misora wasn't pigheaded enough to think that she had better morals than Kira. After all, had she suddenly gained his power she might very well have done the same thing (especially if it had been during the LABB murder case, that would have been a very useful ability) so she couldn't be like L and point fingers saying 'evil demon be here'.

"Well, technically it's not my job to hunt you down… After all as my fiancé states regularly, I'm not an FBI agent anymore." She sighed, it was going to be one of those days. She hoped Kira/Mr. Snuggles was up for a good venting session. Even though he was holding the very information that might be her downfall.

"Hunt Kira down you mean to say," Corrected the boy with prompt confidence, she nodded, after all he could believe what he wanted to her opinion didn't matter.

"Yes well, like I said I'm not an FBI agent anymore. But the notes are getting a bit ridiculous, and you could stop following me. You know it'd just be nice? If you gave me a break every once in a while. I am getting married after all." Why did she have the terrible feeling Kira would be front row and center at her wedding? Why did all the bad things have to happen to her, was it like what they said in elementary school, that god hated her because she dressed in too much black?

"I thought you enjoyed my sense of humor, would you rather go back to book club and pretend to be the diligent wife? Admit it, I give your life purpose, a criminal to hunt down, a mystery to be investigated, I'm your obsession." And somehow, he was convinced that _she _was the one in need of psychiatric help.

Oh dear, he had been reading the romance novels. That sounded like a very warped quote; she believed the quote had been, 'My darling Clarissa, how can I exist without you, you are my love my life, you are my purpose, my obsession, you are the sun that dangles in the sky. Admit that you need me as well, don't let your life be wasted on the likes of him.' And then of course they kissed, had sweet monkey love on a table and then got married. Dear lord, she knew how her story was going to end; and she didn't think Mr. Snuggles was the marrying type

Awkward. So awkward Naomi only had a few options open to her. One, confess her undying love to Kira and be whisked off into the sunset and her following happy ending. Two, slap him and tell him that she did not belong to his harem and that she wasn't schizo. Three, run in the other direction as fast as she could attempting to forget the entire conversation.

She chose option three, if only to conserve her dignity.

_You seem to avoid me as if I were the pariah;_

_I should note that you have no right to do this._

_If anything I should be the one avoiding you like the bubonic plague._

_Really this is almost insulting,_

_Get a hold of yourself _

**Author's note: Well, my commas have officially killed someone's soul and sent someone else to the electric chair. I'm not sure whether to commend your creativity or hang my head in shame, I'll settle for doing both. Again tried to fix the commas, actually added punctuation in the notes since apparently last time was overkill and let's see where it goes. Oh and reviews would be nice, and yes as noticed, we are finally moving into the realm of CRACK.**


	6. Chapter 6

L was not happy to see her; but then she wasn't happy to see L either. It was a mutual dislike they had. Of course if asked Naomi would say L was an excellent detective that she was very honored to work with. And if L was asked he'd give her a very short letter of recommendation, saying her skills as his assistant were invaluable and the case couldn't have been solved without her. Neither of them appreciated the gesture of good will. The thing was, Naomi still blamed L for the entire experience of the LABB murder case. She blamed him for the fact that she got almost no credit for solving the case; when L himself had done absolutely nothing to solve it on his own. She had been a pawn. A pawn who worked harder and solved the case faster than the lazy king.

But she never told anyone, not even Raye. Her contribution was supposedly minimal and she preferred to keep that opinion intact. Raye said she had been an excellent FBI agent but he didn't really believe it; his own ego had grown to the point where he completely disregarded every achievement she had. Not that he was the only man to do this, but still it was a little insulting to be told to play housewife by her fiancé.

The group of middle aged men gaped at her; one of them looking so impressed that she nearly told him to stop faking it to make her feel better. (She believed that one was called Matsuda if she remembered correctly) L looked at the box of English notes in her hands. He lifted one out, held it in front of his face, and began to read it out loud in the most obnoxious monotone he could.

(Her theory had been proved correct as far as his appearance was concerned. He really did look like a homeless meth addict wandering the streets with a sign proclaiming 'the end is nigh'. It almost made her laugh, but she guessed that he would not appreciate the joke. So instead she stood mutely looking as professional as humanly possible; trying not to cringe at the sound of his voice.)

"You are an insult to literacy, often times I think it would be better if you had never learned to read in the first place." Here L paused, his nonexistent eyebrows lifting slightly, before he continued and began reading again, "I checked that book you always have with you out of the library today. I believe I began vomiting after thirty minutes of attempted reading. It was by far the worst thing I have ever read, an insult to humanity. This book has proved to me that Kira may indeed be correct; but only partly, because not even the innocent should be spared if this is truly the definition of our race."

L paused again, clearing his throat and looking up with her with an expression that read 'what the bloody hell is this supposed to be?', "Congratulations, you have ruined my faith in humanity through this deplorable piece of romantic literature. I hope you are happy, because I am certainly not. Go kill yourself, sincerely the man you have so kindly labeled as Mr. Snuggles."

L stopped once more, letting the silence speak his dumbfounded amusement. Naomi wanted to bash his head against a wall. "Post script, the fact that you gave me such a ridiculous nickname leads me to believe that you don't quite take me seriously. As this seems to be the case I've decided to rename you Miss Fluffykins. See, my nickname is better."

The men around her gaped, each one looking slightly more horrified than the last. Perhaps this was why Raye wanted her to quit her job; she couldn't handle looking like an idiot in front of men who were dumber than she was. Someone coughed awkwardly; Naomi hung her head in shame. The things she did for revenge, it almost wasn't worth it. But Mr. Snuggles had pushed things too far and someone had to pay for her misery.

"What book were you reading anyway, Misora-san?" Asked L, his owl eyes widening to extreme proportions. She wanted to punch him for that look of innocent curiosity. The bastard was enjoying her pain.

She mumbled out her answer as quietly and incoherently as possible. Bastard, absolute bastard, no wonder she felt bad for Beyond Birthday the insane arsonist. She would've lit herself on fire too if she had to work with the bastard for long periods of time.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that." He held his hand to his ear, leaning forward as if waiting for a great secret to be conveyed. Damn L, damn Kira, damn Mr. Snuggles, damn them all to the ninth layer of hell.

She wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for the blackmail! It was all Mr. Snuggles fault, if he hadn't pushed her to extremes she wouldn't be talking to the most annoying hunchback in all of Tokyo.

"Winter Moon… It's the vampire book, everyone's been talking… about…" She trailed off wincing as she remembered the atrocities contained within those hell filled pages. She could picture Light Yagami rolling over in laughter as he flipped through the book.

It had started off alright; she thought it was going to be a poorly written version of the Omen. The main characters were two idiot demons in love with one another (well one of them was an idiot human the other was a transvestite incubus with a questionable amount of brain cells) and they both decided it was time to give birth to the antichrist. So she had read on, anticipating massacre, rape, pillage, and lots of burning villages, as well as Latin chanting. Well, it turned out the antichrist was an adorable little girl with a fascination for Jane Austin. Naomi had been thoroughly disappointed, and had burned the evidence after finishing the last sentence. Clearly it was still coming back to haunt her.

"Ah that one, isn't that the one with the necrophilia that tries to pass it off as the height of passion?" He knew damn well what book she was talking about, Naomi's 'my life sucks kill me now' meter was inching its way towards the danger zone.

"Yes that would be the one." She gave a pained smile, her eyes twitching as she attempted to ignore all thoughts of violence.

"As amusing as this is Misora-san, I wonder what this has to do with the Kira case."

Here it was her moment to shine; to tell the world of Mr. Snuggle's heinous crimes, to rid the world of Kira or more importantly the snide little notes he left in her mail box. She began to speak anticipating the moment of freedom.

"Yes well, the boy who sent me those note." She paused at the word boy not sure if she should have used the word 'sexy beast' or 'malicious killer', "I believe he is Kira, he threatened my fiancé, he was being tailed for being Kira, he's very intelligent, he has an enormous god complex, and he has absolutely no moral boundaries what so ever."

He also happened to be extremely good looking and somewhat charming but that was beside the point.

"That's your evidence?" asked L slowly, holding out his hand as if waiting for something more to come spilling out of her mouth.

If he expected her to tell of the recent blackmailing incident he had another thing coming. Naomi wasn't an ex FBI agent for nothing.

"As if you ever needed evidence before," L knew this guy was Kira, he should have been doing a merry jig about now embracing his Irish heritage. Instead he looked as if she had just shot his beloved puppy. He ignored her comment and continued to survey the notes that had been left on her doorstep.

"My dear Misora-san," he began once again in his dull monotone, "I could say how you resemble a spring's day, or a summer's breeze, or perhaps even a flower. But let's not kid ourselves shall we? You inspire no romantic thoughts, no poetry, no music, no high art of any kind. In fact when I see you I find it difficult to think about anything let alone literature, you make me somewhat nauseas…"

Yes it was going to be a long day.

_The sight of you fills my mind with roses_

_About as useful as filling my head with garden hoses_

_I am beginning to lose my mind_

_My sanity left far behind_

_My family would not be thrilled_

_If I arranged to have you killed_

_But alas what can a man do_

_When confronted with the likes of you_

_(I used to be somewhat decent at poetry before YOU showed up)_

**Author's Note: I have absolutely no excuse for the grammar this time, but I was rushed, so I might come and fix this later if its that atrocious. I still haven't quite figured out em dashes but I'm sure if I look at enough examples I'll figure it out. Anyway, reviews would be nice, even though this story has about five readers. It's because its not LxLight isn't it? **


	7. Chapter 7

It turned out his real name was little better than his fake name; Light Yagami still made her burst out in laughter every time she heard it. Moon Night God? Really, who thought that sucker up? It almost made up for the fact that she now was working with him to catch Kira (which was impossible since he was Kira to begin with) and that he kept making sexual innuendos which no one but her seemed to catch. Of course they were fairly subtle, but she swore they were there.

("Light-kun, can you pass the coffee?" She asked rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, suppressing a yawn as she did so. He nodded slowly passing the cup to her. "Thanks," she muttered intending to go back to her work.

"Anytime.")

Clearly he was attempting to drive her completely mad; and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Not to mention L was completely and utterly amused, smiling as he stared at them knowing full well that Light/Mr. Snuggles was indeed Kira but saying nothing all the while. Like a meth addicted old man he had that childish smile plastered across his face while his dilated eyes roved over the room.

Light seemed to be enjoying himself as well; because when he wasn't dropping bedroom comments he was attempting to feel her up… In a nonphysical way (which if Naomi ever admitted it was very frustrating), rather she felt he wanted to feel her up but he chose not to and instead watched her squirm. And though he didn't actually s_tare _at her ass she was pretty damn sure he was thinking about it. Or he wanted her to think that he was thinking about it, so she would be more distracted when he made his true move.

It was all a part of his grand scheme of seduction and goddamnit it was working. Because if he was thinking about staring at her ass then she was certainly staring at his. And it was getting very awkward; especially when he began to realize what direction her gaze often traveled in. Neither of them mentioned it but she knew that he knew, and more importantly Raye knew.

Or rather she thought that Raye knew something was going on, it was obvious in the way he appeared more of an exhausted drunkard than usual. He said stress but Naomi said jealousy. It was clear Naomi's life was going down the drain at light speed (no one had laughed when she said that joke, apparently it wasn't funny). Still at least she was still capable of coming up with puns, soon even that talent would disappear in the Kira case.

But it was bearable; she had been paranoid before having a few new things to worry about didn't push her over the end. Light's ass, Light's bedroom eyes, L being a bastard all tolerable problems. But the one problem she couldn't handle was the hallucinations.

_I think I missed our anniversary_

_I don't care_

_I hate to remind you but we've only met under very awkward conditions_

_Meaning we aren't technically seeing each other_

_Get a hold of yourself and learn some self respect_

_Because I guerentee you will never get a single rose from me_

_I'm a cheap bastard_

**Author's note: This chapter seems somewhat short compared to the last couple... I don't care. Will Naomi Misora ever defeat her stalker Light Yagami? Will L ever stop acting like a creeper? Will Light Yagami make an actual innuendo in the next chapters! REVIEW AND FIND OUT!**

**(Maybe, I might not tell you but it's a thought)**

**Oh also, thank you for the reivews the last chapter as well as the people who read this. We may be a small community, but hey we get some laughs. Till the next confusing comma filled chapter. Adieu. **


	8. Chapter 8

When Naomi was thirteen her parents took her to a psychologist and he brought up the theory that she might be a paranoid schizophrenic. At the time it had been ridiculous; she didn't hallucinate she just thought the world was out to get her. But now she was beginning to have her doubts.

A gay clown was not something she expected to hallucinate (if she had to take a guess she might have said hot steamy sex with Light Yagami or shooting him to pieces, either would have been immensely enjoyable) in fact it was about the last thing she expected to hallucinate. Also he seemed to have quite the apple addiction, it was almost as if they were laced with cocaine. Not only did he float around the room looking suspiciously like Edward Scissor Hands he also talked to Light, all the time.

Even her clown hallucinations centered around Light (she was fairly sure he was getting a kick out of that because she knew he knew that she saw the clown thing). Not only did it talk, it said very embarrassing secrets that it was not supposed to notice. Such as Naomi's habit of evaluating Light's physique every once in a while.

("Hey Light, she's checking out your ass again." It said in the raspy voice she had grown accustomed to. Light smiled slightly looking back towards the bouncing thing that was now staring down Naomi Misora with its marble eyes.

"Light-kun, you are a bastard." Was all Naomi could come up with in retort.)

Not only did Light see and talk to the gay clown, none of the other middle aged men seemed capable of seeing and or hearing it. Matsuda seemed particularly clueless (not that that was anything new) he would actually walk through the gay clown.

Raye was unsympathetic; ever since she had gotten a new job he had been depressed. For some reason he felt that it was a danger to her sanity to hold any job (really it wasn't her sanity in danger it was her libido) and he refused to talk to her. Especially about the probability of her being raped by gay clowns.

No, Raye decided to invest in the time wasting hobby of reading newspaper comics and laughing at them. Clearly faked laughter but then whether it was genuine or not wasn't the point; the point was that he was angry and choosing to ignore her. Her and her gay clown problems, already they were in dire need of marriage counseling.

Things were not looking good in Naomi Misora world, between L looking like a crack addict and Mr. Snuggles driving her mad and Raye ignoring her as well… Things were not shaping up nicely, not at all. It was like some terrible romance novel in which she was the daring heroine surrounded by dashing young men who all seemed equally obsessed about her.

Although dashing might have been overstating things the point was still evident, her life sucked. Gay clowns, super villains who looked too damn sexy for their own good, exhausted fiancés, bosses who looked like they had been squatting in an alley for half their lives, and of course the crowd of middle aged men to gape at the whole scene. If her life were a novel it'd be a best seller, all they needed now was a good bout of necrophilia.

Although if Raye were to suddenly turn into a vampire with the combined personality of a park bench and a rock she might just have to commit suicide, living with that would be unbearable. Even him reading and laughing at terrible comics was better than watching him attempt to be intelligent, it just wasn't his style.

However it was Light Yagami/ Mr. Snuggles style to suddenly turn into a blood-sucking incubus… She'd have to watch out for that or her soul was toast in a shiny new toaster being slathered in jam and being eaten by Beyond Birthday himself.

_You must have noticed the recent circumstances_

_And have no doubt realized why it is I am fondling another woman _

_Trust me I do not find it enjoyable in the slightest_

_Blondes turn me off to be frank_

_Lolita dresses even more so_

_Don't get any ideas on how to change your fashion sense_

_I might have to kill you if you started taking advice from the she demon_

**Author's Note: I just realized I stuck another Twilight joke in there, wow this is almost overkill. Oh well, I don't feel like editing it out. Anyway more creative metaphors on my love affair with commas, well I scanned this chapter and it wasn't horrid. So I'm sticking with not horrid and just leaving it there. Thanks to reviewers and readers you guys rock. **


	9. Chapter 9

Naomi Misora wasn't quite sure what to think of her competition. In some ways it distracted Mr. Snuggles almost worryingly devoted attention but in others it made her well… slightly envious. Alright that was not the term she should have used, she should have said ridiculously jealous. Naomi wanted to bitch slap Misa Amane to Bangkok.

(Secretly Naomi wondered if it was the skirt that attracted Light Yagami's attention; because it was dubiously short and appeared to grow shorter by the minute, whatever it was it appeared despite everything that Light had a fetish for hookers.)

One moment Mr. Snuggles was single, available, and devilishly good looking. The next he has some blonde whore (and a multitude of brunettes) hanging off his arm. Needless to say it was a bit of a shocker. Especially since she had been under the previous impression that he had been obsessed with owning her soul, not adding her to his apparent harem.

(The clown laughed at this bit when she told him. Since no one real seemed to be listening to her problems she decided talking to the clown thing would be a good therapy session. Or at least better therapy than writing in a stupid journal. Apparently its name was Ryuk, it liked apples, and it was bored very easily. Other than that it mostly laughed at her, but it was better than Raye's solutions.)

Misa Amane put the intelligence of a goldfish to shame, her blonde ditzy attitude made Naomi nauseous. She just made Naomi nauseous in general. Especially if Naomi were to admit that Misa might have been slightly more feminine than her, and therefore maybe more attractive to the asexual Light Yagami. Which was not good.

But even her short skirts were tolerable for a moment (it was hilarious when L threw her in prison, although he seemed slightly concerned by Naomi's sudden bout of sadism) until Light volunteered to throw himself in prison as well. That's when her fantasy of Misa Amane being tortured by Watari's experienced hands ended.

There was only one true reason for Light giving himself into L's tender care (and they both knew it wasn't his so called guilt) and Naomi wasn't quite sure Misa was worth it. Her jaw was practically on the floor as he continued to say exactly why he was giving himself over to L.

"You see I think I might be Kira," The old man tone was gone Mr. Snuggles was using his best completely-normal-teenager voice (which wasn't very good to begin with he sounded more like a ridiculously happy sadist) to convey his contrition for something he said he wasn't sure he had done. But Naomi knew it was Misa's Lolita dress hanging on his mind, damn that little literary whore to the seventh layer of hell.

(She dammed her to the ninth later when she realized, sifting through her closet that she would have to go out and buy some of the outfits since she didn't appear to own anything besides black sweaters… She was going to murder Nabokov.)

"What the hell?" said Naomi watching as Light appeared to sigh and continue to ignore her. Call it a high school tantrum, but that wasn't fair. She could practically hear the line 'You're breaking up with me?' floating through the air. The only problem was that instead of her being the fake-tanned fake-blonde cheerleader and him being the star football player she was a paranoid retired FBI agent engaged to another FBI agent who had been stalked by a serial killer and now the serial killer was rejecting her on account of having a new fetish for Gothic Lolita. Was that Stockholm Syndrome consisted of?

Maybe her parents had a point when they had dragged her to therapy all those years ago

"Indeed Light-kun this is rather… rash…" L paused, appearing to be in deep thought, finally he nodded. "Very well, Watari get the handcuffs."

All the middle aged men seemed very shocked by this, Light merely sighed again holding his hands out for the hand cuffs. Naomi of course knew better than her comrades, she knew that L was enjoying that moment immensely.

So there they were, staring at the screen, watching Light stare back at them. And much to Naomi's horror Kira looked damn good in handcuffs. With this realization she made a plan to go out and buy several corsets before he was realesed.

"Misora-san, you're drooling on my couch." L the crack-head-meth-addict-squatter-who-raped-teenage-girls appeared to have no sympathy for Naomi's state of affairs; neither it seemed did Raye who ignored not only her gay clown problem but her sudden compulsion to buy a pair of handcuffs. Men could go to hell it seemed.

She would have answered but just at that moment 'Sexy Back' was stuck in her head and would not go away despite all her inward curses. Damn Light Yagami and his sexy handcuffs, damn his little whore of a girlfriend who still would not die, and damn Ryuk for continuing to exist in spite of the fact that she had not taken any hallucinogens. Damn the world, Kira was right; they were all better off dead!

_Remember what I said about Lolita?_

_Do you have that short of an attention span?_

_I do not have a hooker fetish, I have never had a hooker fetish, I WILL NEVER HAVE A HOOKER FETISH! _

_Do you truly think so little of me?_

_That you would come to work wearing the shortest skirt I have ever seen in my life_

_And then have the gall to look at me as if I enjoyed it_

_I DO NOT ENJOY SUCH THINGS_

_Despite what you think _

_I AM A SANE MAN_

_Try not to insult me again by wearing that atrocity in my presence_

**Author's Note: Dear god, this is nine chapters long and it's still going strong. *sigh* Anyway thank you as usual to readers and reviewers, I'd be grateful if you felt the compulsion to review right now. The button is tempting, don't deny it. Also, once again the metaphors about my terrible comma use are appearing. Well there not as degrading as before just as my overuse of commas isn't as bad as before. But still, really guys? Do I need to sponser a contest for who can come up with the best metaphor for my overuse of commas? I think I will. Anyway reviews would be nice.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, just like last chapter and the chapter before that and... Well, you get the picture. **


	10. Chapter 10

Ryuk disappeared after seven days leaving Naomi blinking wondering if she had finally become somewhat sane; she ended up deciding that she hadn't because in the next moment she was drooling over the image of an outraged and very confused Light Yagami. For some reason he seemed to be having a brain lapse, because his personality had been warped from that of an old man to a five year old (he had skipped adulthood and adolescence altogether).

Before he had been eerily silent, now he piped up every five seconds to protest his charges. For he was, as he claimed so vehemently, completely and utterly innocent. He even suggested that he might have been framed by the evildoer. Naomi wanted to bash her head against a computer, because she knew that Yagami Light was Kira. She had always known, he practically told her himself. And now instead of threatening her by blaming her suspicion on insanity he was just disregarding it all together, it was insulting.

And because of Light Yagami's confusion Naomi herself became confused, what happened to her self-assured stalker, the man who sat so still on the park bench? What happened to his dark and accusing eyes that looked far older than they should have? What had happened to his sardonic sense of humor, his sense of irony? It all appeared to have faded with the shinigami and she was hopping from one foot to another in frustration. She almost wanted to call Ryuk back, to summon Mr. Snuggles back with him.

But no, instead she was stuck with a whining Yagami Light and a whining Amane Misa and a very bored and frustrated L. A bad combo at best, but when they were at their worst she was considering suicide as a viable option. She hated her life so very much.

(And without her shinigami pal to vent to she was left writing in a blasted diary like some hormonal teenager. If Mr. Snuggles ever found it she would be doomed to an eternity of hellish torment, the old Mr. Snuggles that is the new one didn't look particularly bright enough to find it. Or bored enough to care.)

The worst however was the look of horror on L's face when she walked into work wearing her very own Lolita outfit, or perhaps it was when Matsuda commented on how pretty she looked. Pervert-san was right, L was a complete bastard.

"Don't force me to employ a uniform policy, Naomi-san, I wouldn't want Matsuda-san to be too distracted by your comely legs." L took a sip of his over-sweetened tea and proceeded to stare disapprovingly at her white legs.

"Goddammit did you just call my legs comely?" She really hoped he hadn't and that she had just hallucinated the moment and it was all some horrid nightmare, unfortunately she was wrong.

L continued to drink his murky tea (which she had once again forgotten to poison), with an evil expression on his face. Pervert-san, it was the perfect nickname, it almost made up for the fact that Misa Amane was a man-stealing pseudo Lolita whore. Almost but not quite, she would still have to be destroyed.

Just after she was tortured of course, Naomi needed to find some popcorn in order to watch. Revenge tasted like salty butter, sweet salty butter.

_I just figured out you are turned on by handcuffs_

…

_What the hell?_

**Author's Note: Not the funniest I've ever done but eh, have to have a plot sometimes. About her being able to see Ryuk, I might get to explaining that in about ten chapters or so or I might not at all. I figured it was worth mentioning since it's been asked about in two reviews. As for our comma metaphor contest Demetra's in the lead, Ivory Goddess in second place and the rest of you can battle it out. If you wish to join the contest find a creative way to complain about my lack of grammar skillage. Thanks to readers and reviewers, way more than I ever expected when I began writing this. So reviews? **


	11. Chapter 11

Light appeared to be suffering from a mild heart attack. His jaw had dropped and sweat began to trickle down his face; it would have been understandable if it hadn't been in reaction to Naomi's outfit. She felt like punching him in the face and telling him to stop being a pervert, sadly she had the vague feeling that it wouldn't be a good idea whenever he chose to enact his revenge. And whatever that revenge might entail, it depended when Light Yagami found his brain.

"What the hell are you wearing?" He screamed and pointed at the skirt in horror; honestly he looked more terrified than when his father had tried to kill him, as if his whole universe was being ripped apart.

"Clothes, Yagami-san, I am wearing clothes."

Someone coughed and muttered something that was either 'slut' or 'whore', personally she'd rather be called a whore because they didn't necessarily enjoy it and they actually made some money off of it. Being a slut would just be insulting; she could handle being a whore.

She bet it was Aizawa, because secretly he must have been harboring dreams of becoming a pimp. Why else would he have that obnoxious fro? Or maybe it was Mogi because she would suspect him the least. Or maybe it was Matsuda because he was a blunt moron.

"Eh? Light, why are you chained to Ryuzaki?" That of course would be Light's blonde dog dressed in white pajama's; L had decided that Light's pseudo execution would much less entertaining if everyone was distracted by Misa-Misa's strawberry underwear.

Naomi's official answer would have been 'Oh he needs to keep an eye on Light that way he can catch him in the act.' But her true answer was much more insulting, 'L is actually a gay bastard who intends to seduce and keep Light Yagami all to himself; the chain just makes Mr. Snuggles officially his bitch.'

It was true, but she was never going to admit it. Especcially when Soichiro had already had one heart attack, god knows what a second would do to him.

"Because Light Yagami could be a dangerous criminal and needs to be watched at all hours of the day, does that answer your question Misa?" No it answered nobody, because everyone was really wondering when L was going to come out of the closet with a pair of handcuffs in tow.

The Beyond Birthday case made so much more sense now, BB wasn't a megalomaniac he was L's spurned and neglected lover. Clearly the jam was just the aftershock of being forced into sex with someone that looked vaguely like a crack head. And she had prevented him from burning himself alive, if she had to have sex with L she might have tried to burn herself alive to. Naomi noted to herself that perhaps it was a good time to go to L.A.'s prison and apologize to that poor madman.

Suicide looked preferable to being handcuffed to the man that resembled the anorexic carcass of a panda that had been picked apart by vultures.

"But that's disgusting!" Well it was nice to know the blonde whore had a decent grasp of the obvious.

"Amane-san, do I look as if I am enjoying myself?" L asked the blonde she-witch. Naomi supposed that it was meant to be rhetorical, but from the look on L's face, yes he was enjoying himself immensely.

Everyone eyed the chain between L and Light dubiously, except for Misa who looked ready to throw a hissy fit at the mere thought of L putting his hands on Light's body. Naomi wasn't sure whether to be jealous or disgusted, she decided to go with both.

She was going to have horrific nightmares about this; she was certain of it.

_I'm not sure to describe how I feel_

_I could say that whenever I see you I hear music_

_Or that I see a thousand rainbows in your eyes_

_Or something corny, and romantic, and all together not my style_

_I'll tell you the truth because unlike Misa Amane you can handle it_

_You give me migraines_

_Yes, staring at you has given me an indefinite headache_

_Being near you makes my body feel as if it had been run over by a dozen semi trucks_

_And afterwards, when you're out of sight,_

_I think 'Dear God, why do I keep seeing this woman?'_

_The answer is simple_

_I'm addicted to you_

_Screw being accustomed to your face_

_I am addicted to the migraines you give me however painful they might be_

_If you have the antidote, or can find a way for me to suddenly go cold turkey, please share_

_If you don't I'll mount your head on a wall._

_I will_

_I seriously will_

_I am considering this_

_There's a great possibility…_

_Post Script_

_Go to Hell_

**Author's Note: Well as for the score for the comma contest goes the scores are the same as last chapter, but as I might have mentioned once or twice how this fic is unbelievably long and keeps getting longer I believe you have lots of time to come up with a metaphor. Anyway, you know how I've been updating every three days or something to that effect? Well that's going to stop, for about two weeks then I'll be back on the updating bandwagon. So don't complain, this is unbelievably fast for me. I mean look at SOT when was the last time I updated that? **

**Reviews would be nice, even if it's someone berating me on my descriptions of L, go ahead I'm prepared. **

**Disclaimer: I'm not arrogant enough to believe I own the glory that is Death Note**


	12. Chapter 12

"Light, Misa-chan seems to be very enamored with you," Clearly L had reduced his level of thinking from 'bastard' down to 'obvious'. Quite a jump for the greatest detective in the world.

"Yes, you could say that." Said Light Yagami through a tight expression that marked the topic as closed. Clearly L didn't read Light's expressions as well as she did (or the more likely option, that he just chose to ignore them because he was purposefully being a complete asshole).

Clearly the seduction plan wasn't going well.

"Well, it might help to speed along the case if you were to seduce Misa-chan. And it can't be too much trouble for a ladies' man such as yourself." L looked incredibly pleased with this plan, and Naomi had to admit she might have done the same thing if she had wanted to get on Mr. Snuggle's fraying nerves.

Or in his tight pants.

"Ryuzaki, I do have morals you know. I am not a complete bastard, I won't toy with a woman's emotions for my own personal gain. Sure I may drive her insane, I may ignore her, I may threaten to hit her, I may openly call her a moron every five seconds but I won't manipulate her emotions so that she'll become my whore. Please Ryuzaki, that's so low that there are no words to describe…" Here Mr. Snuggles trailed off, distracted by the length of Naomi's skirt. He glared for a moment, (and Naomi was beginning to think the skirt idea might not have been a good one) cleared his throat and then attempted to find his tangent again. He sighed and turned back to L, hands open in fake surrender.

"Would you have the same qualms if we were discussing Naomi Misora?" Well it appeared L was not blind. There was a pause pregnant with awkwardness. Naomi felt her face burn brighter than a lobster in a boiling pot, and Mr. Snuggles even had the decency to look horrified and give a withering glare to L.

"If you say no Light, I will punch you in the face." Interjected Naomi before he could give any incriminating answer; really it was too much. He was how many years younger than her? It was almost disgusting, but that was her life, one creepy moment after another. She felt like Clarisse Starling with Hannibal Lector… Only a Doctor Lector that sent her annoying notes, wasn't even close to her age, and yet still managed to look as if he knew a thousand and one things more than her.

"Ryuzaki, I think you would have more fun attempting to seduce Misora-san." Mr. Snuggles appeared to be issuing a challenge to L; take her if you dare. Well, flattering was one word for the situation, the other was unspeakably creepy.

"I would consider Light-kun to be the more experienced of the two of us…" Read 'Oh I can kick your ass any time any place Yagami,' Oh and of course L managed a half smirk at this, appraising Naomi out of the corner of his eye. Pervert-san, Mr. Stalker, Misa had really hit the nail on the head with those.

"Oh well that's not important, after all woman aren't that complicated of creatures, all it takes is a certain amount of charm and a good smile." Read 'Naomi will eat your heart out if you touch her, because you have absolutely no charm and your smile makes you look like a pedophile.'

"You have a very low opinion of women Light-kun." Read 'I will own Misora's heart by the end of this, and then we'll see who's Prince Charming'. Why was it always the creepers who were attracted to Naomi, this was why she had decided to marry Raye; he was almost normal.

"You know, I am standing right here." Naomi felt like waving her hands back in forth in order for one of them to turn away from their death-glare and notice her. It was downright demeaning, it was like she had become a piece of meat in their tug of war game.

"Yes, Ryuzaki, I never said I wasn't sexist."

"You just settled for saying you weren't a bastard."

"I'm not, I'm a perfectly legitimate child,"

"You look German."

"Yes, well, recessive genes I suppose."

In truth, Naomi wouldn't have been surprised if Light was someone's illegitimate child. He looked nothing like Soichiro, the only thing they had in common was the random moral objections they had for L's methods. But yes, Mr. Snuggles did look more European than Japanese, so it wouldn't have been shocking if say Fabio had been Light's father. In fact, she was betting it was Fabio, although he ended up sleeping with Sachiko Yagami was beyond her.

Oh if only Ryuk were there, then she could tell someone about all her problems.

_I counted how many headaches you caused me in the last five months_

_So far I'm at 243_

_Wait no…_

_Make that 244_

_Needless to say I am very unhappy at the moment and can't think of anything kind to say_

_Except perhaps that you're not blonde which makes it tolerable to look at you_

_Only sometimes though_

_Most of the time you make me gag_

**Author's Note: Filler chapter anyone? Yes well about the delay, one I was gone. Two my computer died. So that's the end of it. I think it's a sign from the fanfiction gods that I should write LxLight fanfics instead. I'll choose to ignore the message.**

**So far the competition Demetra is still in first, Ka-squiggle is now in second place with her emo rant, and Ivory Goddess has been moved to a Matt-worthy third. Speaking of which does anyone know if Matt is legitimately in third place? I always assumed he was but was it ever directly mentioned? **

**Reviews would be nice as always.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	13. Chapter 13

At first she had thought Light Yagami had developed brain damage, but it seemed she was wrong. Light Yagami didn't have brain damage; he simply was insane. This realization hit her like a semi-truck driven by a drunkard at two a.m. when Light went on his first date with Misa Amane.

(Which of course the task force decided to watch as it was 'better than a soap opera and actually attempting to do their jobs'. Not that Naomi was complaining; it was always good to scope out the competition.)

The little sea-witch had demanded one date a week with the drool-worthy Light Yagami, and L grudgingly allowed her to. Naomi of course had been outraged. She had even come up with plausible counter arguments, such as that Misa was a greedy little whore and should be avoided at all costs. L had simply shrugged and asked if 'Misora-san would kindly get over herself.'

Well L could go die in a hole with Beyond Birthday.

So there she was; forced to watch the rather awkward interaction between a bored looking L, an enraptured Misa Amane, and a brain-dead looking Light Yagami. The situation, while intolerable, didn't cause Naomi to have a heart attack until Misa asked the unforgivable question.

(Actually, the unforgivable question was 'will you make sweet monkey love to me Yagami-san?' This was the second-most unforgivable question.)

"Light, do you love me?" Here she batted her overly large eye-lashes that looked rather like man-eating spiders. Naomi hoped that one day they would crawl off her eyes and eat her make-up plastered face.

The normal boyfriend would have replied with 'of course I love you Misa, I've loved you from the moment I first saw you!' But Light didn't follow the rules of romantic interaction; in fact he disregarded them completely. He cocked his head to the side, looked her up and down with a pensive expression. After a long moment of analyzing he closed his eyes and reached for his coffee.

His answer was frank, cruel, and in any other situation she would have labeled him as 'complete and utter asshole.' But to Naomi it sounded like a choir in heaven.

"No."

Even L had the decency to look stunned. Misa's jaw dropped, she even began to tear up. It was so very beautiful.

"What? But how do you know? You could be in love with me! You told me you loved me!"

Yes well Light Yagami was also a lying, manipulative, bastard and could have said those things just for cheap sex with a blonde whore. Besides Mr. Snuggles was far too good looking to fall in love with someone who wore Lolita.

Well, whatever had temporarily turned Light Yagami into a 'somewhat' decent person was fleeing fast and his old stalker personality was coming back ten-fold. Naomi wondered why she was the only one who looked completely and utterly thrilled.

"Well I must have been drunk, or lying, I do that occasionally." He sighed reaching for one of L's French pastries, eyeing it for a few moments, then shrugging and taking a bite.

"What?" Misa wailed through the tears that had begun to gush from her eyes. Which, was a better question; did he get drunk occasionally or lie? Or both?

"Believe me if I was in love I'd know it. And this is not _it_." Here he paused; inspecting his pastry once again, looking to see perhaps if the custard was poisoned or not then deciding he didn't care and once again took a bite.

"How do you know?" Misa was grasping at straws. Naomi Misora knew from experience that Mr. Snuggles was about as romantic as road-kill; perhaps even less.

"Well I've realized something this past week. Being in love is rather like having your brains blown out by your own father. It hurts like hell and you'd never see it coming. Suddenly you're strewn against the back seat of a car; bits of you over here and bits of you over there but wherever you happen to be you know you have a migraine coming fast. Among other things the bits of you that are left are finding it very difficult to solve simple equations; or even think in general."

L raised a non-existent eyebrow; obviously annoyed that no one besides Naomi had noticed his 'pity me' attitude for the last twenty minutes. Light Yagami continued regardless.

"The closest thing that you have to a coherent thought is a vague plan that involves kidnapping and torture devices to get what you want. All the little pieces of your brain nod in agreement; except for one or two which are too busy screaming in agony to protest. All the while your father is trying to blow his own brains out, because he's beginning to realize that no one else is going to clean up the mess he made out of the car. So then you come up with your brilliant kidnapping plan. Until you realize it will never work because it involves her agreeing to be kidnapped. It's at this point you realize that you just had your brains blown out by your father and should be worrying about that instead of failed kidnapping plans."

Once more Light paused, taking a bite from the éclair. The soap opera viewing party came to stand-still; Soichiro looked about ready to crawl in a hole and die.

"So you ask, how I know I'm not in love. I'll tell you, _two plus two equals four_."

L coughed, "Yes Light-kun, I believe two plus two does equal four."

All Misa could manage was, "What?"

"Sorry for bursting your bubble, but really the puppy eyes were getting annoying. Speaking of which, Ryuzaki, do you have any more of those éclairs? I don't think I'm drugged enough yet."

_If you really want to hear the kidnapping plan…_

_It went something like this,_

_I drug your custard filled pastry_

_Jump through your window_

_Grab your prone body_

_And run into the underground chamber I had previously built._

_Fool proof, yes?_

_Until you wake up and realize you've just been stolen by a rather obsessive stalker_

_I admit it, as much as it pains me to do so_

_I clearly have a problem_

_That will be solved with a few months of therapy_

_Pay for my therapy and your nightmares won't come true_

**Author's Note: I know not in character, or at least not for Good-Light. But you know I don't even really like Good-Light he's a preppy little whiner, I couldn't handle it for more than a few chapters. I'm sorry for all of you LxLight fans, but the Yotsuba arc just wasn't that interesting… **

**Anyway, thanks to reviewers as well as to readers. More reviews are always welcome. Stats for the competition are the same as last time Demetra's still in first, Ka-squiggle in second, and Ivory Goddess in third. Any of you who wish to join in, I'm sure you'll find some ammunition in the garble of words above. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	14. Chapter 14

"And here I thought you were in danger of become a decent, perhaps even a good, man. Clearly I was wrong." Naomi lifted her arms in mock surrender watching as Light Yagami dragged L out of the elevator with him glaring all the while at Naomi Misora.

"Very funny Naomi, it's all your fault you know. How can you blame _me _for this?"

Somewhere in heaven God was cough very loudly and saying 'bullcrap'; or something like that anyway.

"Because you're a manipulative asshole?" It wasn't really a question, but the others didn't need to know that.

"Only where you are concerned, Ryuzaki please, I need more of those drugs or whatever the hell it was you put in those damn éclairs, I can still hear myself think!"

Poor L, Naomi almost felt bad for him. Because in chaining himself to Mr. Snuggles he clearly had no idea what he was getting into. L blinked looking over at Light Yagami as if he had transformed from an annoying five year old into the most demonic Firby he had ever laid eyes on.

Naomi was feeling much the same way.

"Light-kun, your assumption that I drugged you is insulting." Here L placed a hand on his heart in a most wounded fashion; all pity Naomi felt for him instantly disappeared in a bout of laughter.

"Please Ryuzaki, the cotton-mouth I am experiencing most definitely came from somewhere."

"And Light-kun assumes it's the food I so generously provided?" If it were possible the meth-addict looked even more insulted, he deserved every second of what he got.

"Yes, Light-kun does assume it's that. Because Light-kun has not eaten anything else all day. Light-kun doesn't enjoy feeling migraines and would much prefer a shot of morphine but Light-kun will settle for drugged éclairs if necessary."

"Hey Light, are you okay?" Matsuda was failing, once again, to grasp the obvious. The obvious being that Light Yagami was off his rocker.

"Can I have my damn éclairs already?"

What a pity such intelligence had to be wasted on the likes of Mr. Snuggles.

_Imagine you're an adorable little deer_

_Prancing through the forest on all fours_

_You spot a brook, and decide to take a little drink_

_When suddenly, BANG a bullet rips through your head_

_Little bloody pieces of yourself are strewn everywhere_

_Now think for a moment, how much worse this would be _

_If the little whore who shot you was wearing Gothic Lolita? _

_Not only is the deer now dead, he's blind too._

_Go get yourself some pants._

**Author's Note: There's chapter fourteen for you. As the results of the insult the author's grammar contest haven't changed in about the last five chapters I won't announce them, you want to know the results? Just look back to last chapter for the top three. Thank you to readers and reviewers, you guys are much better than the people who skipped this fic for another MattxMello fic. *cough***

**Reviews would be like candy**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Just like last chapter!**


	15. Chapter 15

Date number two went 'exactly as planned' as far as Naomi Misora was concerned. As far as Soichiro was concerned, well, he was starting to regret that he hadn't gone through with shooting his own son.

"Why don't you love me Light?" Once again Misa was trying the pity-me tactic. The mascara was running down her face along with the snot and saltwater; altogether making her look like a five year old prostitute.

Considering how well that had gone with L Misa should have known better. Instead of sitting L had settled instead for crouching on the sofa, eating pastries, and glaring with undisguised hatred at the oblivious Light Yagami.

"Well there are many reasons; would you like a list?"

Misa nodded, here brown eyes widening in the most endearing of fashions. Light sighed and shook his head, motioning for her to get a hold of herself and sit up like a normal person.

"It would help if I was able to look at you without feeling the vague impulse to burst into hysterical laughter. It'll take a few sessions, but I believe we can straighten you out to the point where I can pretend you don't make me nauseous." Here Light paused magnanimously as if to convey the great gift he had bestowed upon her.

"Light-kun, I am touched by your generosity." L, as usual, did not like being ignored and while still obviously depressed decided that moping was not getting him the attention he deserved. Tormenting Light Yagami was much better.

"Good for you Ryuzaki, now sit down and shut up." Light returned his attention to Misa Amane; looking her over and shaking his head in disapproval. "Well the first thing you need to do is dye your hair back to a tolerable color, blonde is the color of stupidity."

Misa nodded with an open mouth, too stunned by his generous words to think of anything to say in rebuttal. L however interjected with, "Light-kun, how very racist of you."

"Next, change your clothes. Your skirt is disappearing into itself and I'm left staring at your strawberry underwear, which is disgusting mind you. I don't want to see any lacey, frilly, corset-like clothing on your person if I am ever to look at you again."

Naomi looked down at her own clothing noticing the number of laces and frills and wondering what exactly Light was getting at. It was his own damn fault she had bought the thing in the first place.

"Straighten your posture, but at the same time manage a slouch that makes it obvious that you hate my guts and would thoroughly enjoy murdering me in my sleep."

Misa attempted this, straightening like a ruler at first, then slouching like Ryuzaki, and then deciding on the happy medium she had first started with. Light glared, picked up a pastry, took a bite and continued.

"The hating my guts is the important bit. Change your expression to show that you think I'm both insane and deliciously handsome but you hate the fact that I'm so goddamn sexy. Raise your eyebrow as if to question my judgment; cross your arms as if you're attempting to ignore me but interested in spite of yourself. Every once in a while interrupt my ramblings with some blunt, sarcastic, and completely irrelevant comment designed to piss me off."

"My, aren't we narcissistic Light-kun?" Interjected L with a huff of annoyance still irritated that he was being completely ignored for Misa's attitude lesson.

"See, like that, nice job Ryuzaki. Now what did I say about sitting down and shutting up?"

L still refused to sit, choosing instead to crouch like a vulture hunched above a carcass of a recently slaughtered rabbit. His owlish eyes locked upon the trembling Misa Amane, watching as she fell apart under the pressure of imitating a rather irritated Naomi Misora.

"But Light!" Misa whined in her obnoxiously high voice. Light held up his hand in disapproval.

"No, more sarcastic and insulting; that's just whiny."

Light reached for another éclair; still searching for the one Ryuzaki had drugged in order to prompt a confession and failing to find it. He motioned for Misa to continue, when she began to sniffle like a kicked puppy he sighed.

"And that, the crying thing, that has to go. No crying, no sniffling, no whining. Only glaring, glare like your life depends on it, let everyone know that you're miserable but you'll make them miserable too. Misery enjoys company, you're in pain make me in pain too, kick me in the shin."

Misa began to sob, a low wailing sound that began deep in her throat. Light, feeling guilty continued to eat his pastry and reached for a second one. L managed an even deeper glare, annoyed perhaps that for the second time no one was paying the slightest attention to him.

"You're so mean Light!" She bawled as she covered her dripping face with her manicured hands; she looked near a meltdown. Well, Naomi had felt much the same impulse before especially when Mr. Snuggles ditched her for a prison cell. She had been very close to a temper tantrum then.

"Yes, and you're a whore and Ryuzaki over here is a perverted pedophilic bastard. We all have our problems; personally I'm glad mine don't have to do with reproduction."

"Light-kun, how dare you bring me into this." L's glare intensified itself into words; he leered down at Light Yagami ready to pounce like a jungle cat. Mr. Snuggles however waved him off, handing him an uneaten pastry in order to keep him better distracted.

"Well, handcuffs Ryuzaki. Hard, cold, silver hand cuffs. What can I say?"

Naomi said pedophile as well, but she also said closet BDSM fiend.

"These handcuffs are completely legitimate Light-kun; you of all people should realize that." L did a good job pretending his honor had been called into question, but everyone knew that L both had no shame and no honor.

"Yes, that's what I thought at first after I was nearly shot to death by my father. But then I realized, I was handcuffed to a man ten years older than me."

"Ten years is an exaggeration Light-kun, and have I ever attempted anything sexual at all? What cause do you have to doubt my integrity?"

Light paused to think, "Well, you stuck me handcuffed into a prison for about fifty days. You pretended to have my father execute me. You handcuffed me to yourself. You watched me through cameras all over my house. You sleep in the same bed as me. You played tennis with me, which everyone knows is just a bad metaphor for sex. And, oh you look at me as if you wanted to pick your teeth with my bones. Is that good enough for you?"

It was good enough for Naomi.

"Half of those were your fault."

"Yes, well don't rape me. I might become very unhappy."

"I have no intention, or desire, of deflowering you."

Naomi felt her face twisting in horror at the thought of dear Mr. Snuggles being deflowered as L so aptly put.

"Well that's wonderful, how do I know you're not lying?"

"Is this the face of a man that would lie to you?"

Here L stopped and put on his 'trust-me-the-candy-I'm-handing-you-isn't-drugged-and-there-really-are-newborn-puppies-in-my-car-face' and smiled his most endearing smile at Light Yagami. Naomi thought that L might have a good career in for him playing the voyeur in a horror film.

"Do you really want an answer to that?"

Naomi figured L didn't, she certainly didn't want that answer even though she knew what it was. If L didn't already know he was lying scum then she wasn't going to be the one to tell him. He'd have to figure it out on his own.

And with that thought Naomi left the viewing party to go get coffee as Matsuda was too distracted to do it for her.

_If murdering is considered a hobby then handling you must be a job._

**Author's Note: See it's not that the chapters are getting shorter, it's just that they're coming in random bursts of uber longness or something like that. Anyway thanks for reviews as always, thanks to readers. More reviews would be nice, after all it's not that hard to push a button and type in a few words. We're not that lazy here at fanfiction dot net. (Grammar Contest results do not need to be mentioned as they are the same as they've always been.) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Again. **


	16. Chapter 16

If L had predicted he'd created a soap opera he might have tried to kill himself. Watching Light Yagami's dates with Misa Amane became somewhat of a hobby for the incompetent task force; like a train wreck they just couldn't take their eyes away. The viewing party normally consisted of Matsuda bringing coffee, Ide pretending not to care, Mogi resembling a boulder whilst shuffling papers randomly, and Aizawa pretending he was black by combing his ridiculous fro. (Soichiro generally tried not to be present, as he was still attempting to believe his fantasy that Mr. Snuggles had morals.)

Naomi had been to Compton, if Aizawa went walking down there he and his fro would be shot to pieces. Naomi of course might have been the most passionate viewer, besides Matsuda that is. Matsuda thought it was a hilarious drama, Naomi was swearing, grinding her teeth, and throwing food at the monitor.

They cheered at Light's frustration, they gasped in horror at L's attempts at seduction, they wept at Misa's helplessness (for Naomi they were tears of joy). All in all it was far more interesting and time consuming than the Kira case which continued to move at the pace of a slug that's been burnt to a crisp under a magnifying glass.

Kira had returned, but clearly he has lost a few brain cells. L was depressed because Light was in prison during the return and couldn't possibly be Kira unless Kira was a god, which was possible. If anyone was a god who could kill people by only knowing their name and face it would be Mr. Snuggles. But that seemed unlikely, so it seemed like the vampire Kira spread his disease through biting someone in the neck during a near sex scene.

Now all they needed to find out was who had attempted to rape Light Yagami and how had he dealt with them.

Light continued his misguided attempts to turn Misa into Naomi Misora, L continued to mope, and all three of them continued to be completely miserable. (It might have been a part of Mr. Snuggle's personality though to be miserable, but the other two were certainly unhappy.) Naomi had even gotten over her jealousy, she felt somewhat bad for Misa. She even allowed herself a moment of pity in between spells of laughter.

Oh it was all too wonderful. It almost made up for the stalking, the gay clowns, L, Matsuda's stupidity, the one a.m. coffee, and all the other crap she put up with. Almost but not quite.

_I heard it's the latest craze to write your beloved a love song_

_I have no musical talent_

_So don't expect me to be serenading in the task force headquarters_

_Plus I don't own a guitar_

_Or a piano_

_So screw you_

**Author's Note: Filler anyone? Sorry for the wait, short chapter, and the plot that continues to go absolutely nowhere. Anyway thanks to readers and reviewers, I'm impressed by how many people got sick of LxLight and bothered to look at this somewhat ridiculous crackfic. So more reviews would be nice. Oh and grammar, I just did a quick sweep of this so any comma errors... Well you know how to deal with those.**

**Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to the glorious Ohba and Obata, don't be putting that ownership on me foo. **


	17. Chapter 17

"Happy birthday." Mr. Snuggles rubbed his eyes and tossed a badly wrapped bundle of clothing at Naomi's head. It was a Wednesday needless to say.

"You're a terrible excuse for a stalker if you can't even remember my birthday." It wasn't even close to her birthday; Light shrugged showing that he didn't care and it was the lack of thought that counted.

"Open it for my sake, I've been going blind." The great amnesiac shuddered. Lately his mood had been declining; it all started when Ryuzaki had decided to take interrogation to the bedroom, or rather tried to take interrogation to the bedroom.

Naomi decided the best thing to do was to humor him, because whenever he did happen to remember he was a serial murderer she wanted to be on his good side. So she tore open the tissue paper and held up a pair of khaki pants and a dark sweater. She felt her eye twitched.

"You got me khaki pants…" Naomi tried to remember if Light had even been able to leave task force headquarters. "Are these your pants? Did you just give me your pants?"

Or more importantly, what the hell was a straight man doing with khaki pants? Naomi felt her respect for Mr. Snuggle's clothing choice flowing quickly down the drain.

"We're about the same size, they should fit. And god knows you need them. So put them on before I'm forced into drastic measures."

And someone had thought he was a good person, clearly even before the whole serial killer thing started he had been a giant asshole. Extremely intelligent, ridiculously handsome, but a complete asshole nonetheless.

"Fine, I'll be back in five." She grabbed the pants and sweater from him, somewhat relived that she could begin wearing normal clothing again. Not that looking like a prostitute didn't have its perks but she was getting tired of Matsuda pretending not to be creepy.

(The creepiest part of the whole experience was trying them on in the bathroom they were indeed almost a perfect fit, perhaps a little tight; which meant Light's legs were skinnier than hers, which was one of the most frightening epiphanies of her life.)

"I think I liked the old outfit better, Misora-san go back and change." L shooed her back into the bathroom, he wasn't even pretending not to be a pervert.

Before she could stop herself the unspoken words came rushing out of her mouth.

"You're just jealous that I'm in Light's pants and you're not."

The room became dead silent. Mogi stopped pretending to sort through paperwork, Aizawa forgot to pretend to be black, Matsuda didn't say anything ridiculous and idiotic, Soichiro was even too offended to let out the offended cry.

Naomi felt another bout of 'hormonal-teenage-diary-writing-session' coming on fast. It was even worse than listening to Raye brag about his adventures that were too dangerous for Naomi Misora. Honestly there were some days when she wondered what the hell she ever saw in him, besides sanity.

Light opened his mouth to say something scathing and sarcastic, looked around and appeared to think better of it. L continued to gape at the fact that someone had finally called him out on the fact that the chain was more than just a 'necessary precaution'.

Finally they were saved from anyone having to say anything by Soichiro's second heart attack, right on time as far as Naomi Misora was concerned.

_It's your fault my father's in the hospital_

_I demand you pay the bill you selfish whore_

_By the way the pants look very nice_

**Author's Note: Did I say longer chapter? I meant 'slightly longer and less pointless chapter in which there is a semi-interesting cliff hanger' I say semi-interesting because in the end unless it's realted to L and Light yaoi funtime no one cares about Soichiro Yagami. Anyway thanks to reviewers as well as readers, sorry for the bad grammar, and as always the review button is at the bottom of the page. Knock yourselves out.**

**Disclaimer: Death Note is only owned by two people, if anyone on fanfiction claims ownership they're probably lying**


	18. Chapter 18

"You just killed my father." Light Yagami blinked reaching for a custard until he remembered they were at a hospital and none were available.

"Relax Light-kun, if Naomi Misora were Kira then you would be dead by now." L crouched in his chair looking from left to right, scouting out the potential assassins that might be after his precious heart.

"You _killed_ my father." Light blinked again, clearly he was reverting back to his brain-dead stage. It seemed that whenever he wasn't focused on stalking Naomi Misora he became a moron, in fact whenever he wasn't planning anything illegal he was a complete and utter moron.

"No, your pants killed your father."

"You were wearing them."

"You gave them to me."

"You didn't have to put them on."

"Excuse me, who has been giving me money for the past week because you thought I was 'on duty'?"

"Yes well, you did look like a prostitute."

"I am not a hooker."

"Your skirt says something different."

"I'm not wearing a skirt; I'm wearing the pants that killed your father!"

Light paused grasping once again that Naomi Misora had killed his father using pants. "You did kill my father! I knew it!"

L clearly was trying to prevent himself from smacking his head against a wall. "Yagami-san is not dead yet, so Light-kun and Misora-san can shut the hell up."

Details, that was the problem with L he was so caught up in the little details. Like that potato chip thing, and the evil laughter, sure Light Yagami was a megalomaniac and a stalker but even Naomi wouldn't have been able to tell from the brand of potato chips he ate.

Clearly she had been spending too much time around middle-aged men. Maybe Raye was right, maybe she just wasn't meant to hold a job. Maybe she deserved to have six or seven grimy little brats crawling all over her; each one of them named Raye jr.

"You know what? Screw you guys I'm going home." Naomi was done, finished, no more. She couldn't handle it, at least Raye was functional, at least Raye had something resembling sanity.

"You're doing what?" L seemed flabbergasted his eyes looked like that of an owl that was higher than a kite.

"Going home."

"But why?" He didn't even bother come up with some bullshit excuse for why she should stay. Clearly Naomi's priorities had been mixed up for a good while.

"Because he's a fruit cake, you're a jerk, and I just gave his father a heart attack." Light didn't appear to appreciate being called fruit cake but he could just shut up a deal. Naomi was hormonal and someone had to pay.

"Misora-san, Light-kun is not a fruit cake he's _my _fruit cake." L straightened his crooked old man's back, raising his eyes to Naomi's. "Besides did you ever quit when you were down and out on the LABB case? Did you ever quit when Beyond Birthday raped you in a closet? When he smeared jam all over your naked body and licked it off while you were drugged into oblivion?"

In the middle of his rant Naomi Misora's eyes widened as she realized she had no idea what he was talking about. Clearly she had more suppressed memories than she thought possible. Oh gods flash backs…

"Erm." Naomi muttered as she tried to block him out.

"Did you quit when I refused to pay for your therapy? Did you quit when I gave you as little credit as possible? No, the Misora-san I knew straightened her back looked me right in the eye and said 'Thank you your majesty, I would love to be your slave.'"

"Now I'm definitely going home. Bye Light, have fun getting raped by a panda!"

Naomi practically sprinted out of the hospital nearly missing as Mr. Snuggle shouted. "You bitch! You can't just leave me here with him!"

_Karma is calling_

_In your next life you will be a cockroach_

**Author's Note: I can't help all the LABB references, if any of you is an LABB fan I'm terribly sorry for your loss and for the fact that about every five seconds I make an absurd pun about the novel. In other news one hundred reviews, for a crack fic starring Light Yagami attempting to get it on with Naomi Misora. I'm shocked, when I started this thing seventeen chapters back I expected one maybe five? But one hundred? I think this deserves recognition, way to review you guys spread the word.**

**Speaking of reviewing, thanks to all those who have reviewed and read. I would appreciate more if you're willing to click the button at the bottom of the screen.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	19. Chapter 19

Naomi Misora was miserable. Well she wasn't miserable; but she certainly wasn't happy. Tapping her fingers against the kitchen table she looked at Raye who looked once again at the comic section in the newspaper. At work she was ignored, at home she was ignored; she might as well get ignored by Mr. Snuggles who made it at least appear to be sexy than Raye who just made it demeaning.

Really it was worse than when she was in middle school when all the boys had thought she was a witch. She stared at the clock wondering if she broke into the tap dance in the middle of the woods would anybody bother to listen?

At least Mr. Snuggles would pretend not to stare at her ass by not staring at her ass.

"It's Beyond Birthday again isn't it?" asked Raye once the silence stretched past the half hour mark.

"What?"

"That's the reason you've come crawling back, you were having flash backs of Beyond Birthday."

Crawling was a bit of an exaggeration, she was limping. It was all because she had tripped on a stupid rock on her way home from the stupid hospital because she didn't have a stupid car and stupid L refused to give her a ride home and stupid Raye refused to pick her up.

"No I wasn't…" Naomi trailed off when she realized that yes she kind of was, she had dreams about Light Yagami slathering her in jam and then proceeding to lick it off. And if that wasn't a déjà vu moment she didn't know what was.

"Yes you did. See, this is why you need to quit your job and be surrounded by toddlers. Because only then will your obsession with jam eating monsters be cured." Raye took a sip of his coffee and Naomi began to wonder if she was having a nightmare where Raye would turn into the dreaded Mr. Snuggles.

"Um… What?" This was all too weird, normally Raye was way more subtle with the wife and mother insults/plans. He really was transforming into Mr. Snuggles, oh dear god what if it was contagious? What if all men became Mr. Snuggles, then she would have to deal with him all the time! It'd be hell in a basket; it'd be like listening to an elementary orchestra trying to play West Side Story for all eternity!

"I have put up for god knows how many years of your paranoia. Do you know why everyone refuses to date you? Do you know why I have no problems with jealousy? Do you know why I don't break out an axe and slaughter every guy who looks at you?"

Naomi blinked, maybe there really was something to those schizo threats Mr. Snuggles always dished out. Because if this wasn't a hallucination then Naomi Misora's marital life was swiftly flowing down the drain. And there was always that nauseating nightmare of all the men in the world turning into Mr. Snuggles extraordinaire.

"Not really."

"It's because you think they're going to kill you. And for a while I thought you had gotten over it. But then this Mr. Snuggles and his gay clown comes along."

"Who told you about Mr. Snuggles?"

"You did. In your giant rant about how I should pay more attention to you and your gorgeous stalker who appears to be a serial killer and is causing you to develop Stockholm Syndrome; in spite of the fact that he has yet to kidnap you."

"It's not impossible."

Hell Light Yagami killed people using heart attacks, anything was possible for Mr. Snuggles. Maybe the 'I'm a narcissistic asshole disease' was contagious after all; Raye had never been this much of a jerk before.

"Please Naomi, for my sake can you please stop the Kira case. I don't want you involved; I don't want to see you get hurt again."

Read 'I don't want to deal with you when you become a nut case like the last time you worked for L.'

He did have a point… But she was perfectly fine after the sixth months of therapy it had taken her to return to normal. Still her life without Mr. Snuggles would be like ice cream without sugar, mainly that it tasted terrible but was supposedly more nutritious. She didn't want a nutritious life if it tasted like garbage!

"Raye, I can eat what I want! So maybe I've got some habits that might get me into trouble, maybe I like hanging out with guys who have god complexes, maybe serial killers are my cup of tea. It might make me incredibly fat but at this point I really could care less!"

Raye gave her the dead pan look that he normally reserved for reality television and evangelist salesmen.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

"You gave me that look."

"What look?"

"The look that says 'I'm holier than thou, and checkmate Naomi Misora."

"See this is why you can't hold a job."

"I've been holding a job for months now."

"Yes, and look you came back because you couldn't handle it."

Well, he had a point there. But still, Naomi was insulted! No one was ever that rude to her, except for maybe L…

"Oh yeah? Is that what you think Mr. Big Shot Penber? Well I'll just go back then and prove you wrong, I can hold a job and maintain my weight at the same time!"

It was good to raise her self-esteem again, and when she got back to work L was gonna pay big time.

_Only real men wear khaki_

_Just saying_

_In case you were wondering…_

_Shut the hell up_

**Author's Note: That's right, only real men wear khaki. And only real people bother to review, good job guys. So anyway thanks to readers, reviewers, and hmmm I guess that's it I'm not going to thank the people who didn't read. Grammar mistakes are my bad and I'll fix them if pointed out. As for the plot yes I know it's going nowhere, but hey it's crack that's the glory of it. It doesn't have to be going anywhere but down the spiral of bad puns. Reviews would be nice... (hint hint)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. **


	20. Chapter 20

"Misora-san, I thought you went home?" Asked the innocent looking panda man, holding his fruitcake both possessively and protectively (but mostly possessively). Light turned to glare at the man gripping his arm swatting at it and then sighing in defeat.

"Yes I did, but then I came back." Naomi gave a cheery wave that caused L to grip Light's arm even tighter.

"That's my circulation you're blocking." Interjected Light before the conversation could continue into childish insults.

L continued to ignore Light, Light appeared to be used to it because all he did was sigh and reach for a creampuff. "Yes it appears you did."

"So, what now?" asked Naomi watching as Light watched Ryuzaki as Ryuzaki watched her. Weirdest love triangle ever.

"Well we do what we've always been doing." L said tightly. Hmmm, that meant either Light hit on her while give her no actual proof that he was willing to have sex. That could mean L insult her because of the fact that he was losing in the battle for Light's affection. That could mean making fun of Misa because she was a whore. He'd have to be more specific.

"Erm…" Said Naomi wondering if 'what we've always been doing' meant L banging Light. If that was the case she did not approve.

"The socially awkward man to my right means to say attempting to catch Kira, and then getting distracted by your awfully short frilly skirt which has now been abandoned thank the gods." Mr. Snuggles motioned to the khaki pants that had killed (well hospitalized) his own father. Clearly he no longer cared; he didn't even pretend to be a nice person.

"Is that what we were doing?" Naomi asked, because as far as she remembered they had been watching the ' dating Misa soap opera'.

"Attempting."

Suddenly a metaphorical light bulb turned on above L's head, "Light-kun, how motivated are you to catch Kira?"

Mr. Snuggles yawnend, "At the moment? I'm too distracted by the fact that your hand wanders over to my thigh every five seconds because you think you have the ability to be subtle. Why?"

"If I were to offer you… incentive would it increase your production rate?"

Naomi's jaw dropped, an image of L in fishnets doing a strip tease flashed in the back of her mind along with the words 'MAKE IT STOP!' Mr. Snuggles appeared to have the same vision because his expression was a mix between 'Is he serious?' and 'Does this mean I have to repress my memories again?'

"If this is what I think this is then the answer is no." Light reached for a drugged pastry, downing it faster than Misa could shout 'I love you my Knight-Light!'

"No, not that." L grimaced, disappointed by the fact that Light had turned down his free strip tease. "Let's take Misora-san for instance, what would you do if I freely allowed you to… do what you want with her."

Mr. Snuggle's head shot up with the opportunistic gleam already in his eye. Naomi's hand shot up in order to question both L's motives and sanity. "Um, question! You do realize this is prostitution that I have not agreed to?"

L and Light proceeded to ignore her.

"And what would this incentive with Misora-san entail?" Light asked, leaning back in his computer chair so he might better judge L's expression.

"Cameras off. Chain off. Half an hour for every three hours of work you put in." L drove a hard bargain.

"Forty five minutes." Light interjected.

"Twenty five."

"Fifty."

"Thrity five."

"Forty five."

Naomi felt the need to interrupt, "You know I won't do prostitution for free, one of you is going to have to pay me for this."

Once again she was ignored.

"Forty three and a half." L finally bargained, Light nodded in agreement and the two shook hands.

"Deal."

It was at that moment Naomi had a miraculous epiphany that in truth changed nothing about her life, "I hate both of you."

_It's not rape if the victim enjoys it_

**Author's Note: And with Light Yagami's words of wisdom I close yet another chapter of this cracky cracktastic fic. Thanks to readers and reviewers as always, you guys are what keep the ridiculous number of reviews up. This fic is now competing with terrible Wammy yaoi fics, I feel so proud. On a side note, this fic was originally meant to be a one-shot but it got cancer. Thought you might like to know that. Reviews would be splendid, even if it is to complain. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	21. Chapter 21

The problem with Ryuzaki's plan was that the longer Light worked the more 'prostitute hours' he gained. So Light being the clever bastard that he was decided to drag out his investigations as long as physically possible. This meant that Naomi had to be trapped in a room with him, without cameras or L for over five hours at a time. (Light really went to town with dragging out the research process, twiddling his thumbs at an astonishing rate of one twiddle for every five minutes.)

The worst or possibly best part (she couldn't really decide) was that Mr. Snuggles didn't even attempt to seduce her. Mostly he just complained about being chained to L, dating Misa, his lack of sleep, and the fact that he thought everything he ate was drugged.

Clearly Light Yagami had the sex drive of a castrated rock.

Yet despite her growing sexual frustrations she agreed with him. It appeared they shared the problem of paranoia. She sort of knew before but it was nice to learn they had at least one thing in common, otherwise the whole stalking thing might have been too weird.

"Every time I eat a pastry I get this feeling that I won't remember the next several hours and that anything can happen." He said during the third hour, holding an éclair delicately between his fingers. Naomi attempted not to drool visibly.

Damn sexual frustration; Mr. Snuggles was doing it on purpose! He was such a bastard, you can't just stalk someone for several months sending them demeaning letters every day and then refuse to have sex with them!

"Oh I get that feeling all the time, every time a waiter looks at me too long I just know he's going to put poison or worse date-rape drugs in my soup." Naomi shuddered at the memories of her life during high school when her school had stressed 'Safety Awareness'. Lessons on date rape had nearly led her to murder on at least five separate occasions, everyone in the school quickly learned never to invite Naomi to a party.

"Yes, I get that feeling too. Except that when I get that feeling I also hear this voice in my head that says 'Kill!'"

Naomi paused wondering if that had ever popped into her head when she had been holding her cup of water at a party when that kid from Geometry started giving her that look. While she beat him unconscious she didn't remember actually wanting to kill him, just to give him the biggest hangover/neck injury of his life.

"Yeah, how bout that…"

"You know I always wonder just how I'm going to function in normal society after this experience, being chained to a man for months can't be good for my psyche."

Yes well murdering wasn't good for one's psyche either but Naomi wasn't going to say anything about that. She was too busy trying to figure out if there was ever a time Light Yagami could function in normal society. She could just see him now; a demonic five year old running around with scissors stabbing people in the back because he thought it was good for society.

"Who cares about functioning in normal society? Look at me I've never functioned in normal society and I'm perfectly fine." There was an awkward pause after that, she looked down at her borrowed khaki pants and back to Light Yagami, maybe fine was stressing it. But she hadn't asked for stalkers or detectives or Kira or anything, they kind of just came with the package that was labeled 'Screw You, from God.'

"Speaking of normal society, I'm coming to your wedding and I will ruin it."

How sweet, her stalker was willing to ruin her wedding for the sake of his own petty jealousy and god complex. If she didn't have this mental picture of Mr. Snuggles running through the aisle with scissors in hand, stabbing Raye in the back, and then running off again she might have found it flattering.

"That's nice. What made you decide this?"

"Well, I'm certainly not going to let any man have my cake and eat it too."

And with that Naomi ran out of comebacks and was left with the words 'Why was I stuck with this man alone in a room for several hours?' in her head.

_It's not prostitution if you don't make any money_

**Author's Note: And with that everyone realizes this is another pointless filler chapter that wasn't quite as funny as the last chapter, because while it had Light running around with scissors it did not have L in fishnets. I rest my case. In other news review count is gaining momentum and I almost feel ashamed that a fic with bad sex puns has a review count of over 120. But I still love it. Thanks to readers and reviewers, more reviews would be nice let's keep climbing this mountain. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. If I did I would be sure to appreciate how nice Light's collar bone is. Seriously. I would. **


	22. Chapter 22

"Light-kun, when I gave a time limit what I really meant was that I wanted results." L sighed looking more fatigued than usual. This was probably due to the fact that he had spent most of his time grinding his teeth at the fact that his main suspect (and luscious chain mate) had been disappearing into a room with a woman for several hours without supervision.

And who knew what terrible things Naomi Misora had done to him? The skankity skank. At least that's what L's thought process would have sounded like, had Naomi been in his head at the time. But she wasn't, she instead was watching awkwardly from the sidelines with Matsuda.

Matsuda and her had decided to upgrade seats and view the never-ending soap opera live while the other members of the task force had decided to safely stake themselves out by their work stations. As far as Naomi was concerned the close-up view of Light's dead pan was worth it, even if it meant she had to face the wrath of L at short range.

"Well, you should have been more specific." Light shrugged, now that the chain was back on he had assumed his normal personality. Meaning he talked less about cake and insulted everyone a lot more, Naomi wasn't sure which side of the coin she preferred.

"You should not have taken advantage of my generosity!"

"Says the man that chains adolescents to his side."

"You are hardly an adolescent!"

"Do you see a beard anywhere on this face?"

"That's beside the point…"

"Seven years Ryuzaki, that means when I was twelve I could have been raped by a nineteen year old version of you."

L paused, the silence saying 'Why didn't I think of that?' or perhaps even an 'Oh snap! He's on to me.'

Luckily Soichiro was still trapped in the hospital but Matsuda still had the decency to look shock, "Did he say, what I think he said?"

"Yes Matsuda, I believe he did." Naomi sighed wondering why she had ever come back to work and then remembering Mr. Snuggle's not quite manly body. She needed to do something about that. Preferably something that didn't end in L not paying for her therapy again.

"That's not the point Light-kun," L uttered in his monotone, if he had been a regular person it might have been threatening. "The point is you've been taking advantage of me, if you don't get me results within the next hour and a half there will be consequences."

"I'm positively shaking in my boots."

"As you should be Light-kun, as you should be."

Now the frightening part of that sentence was not that it was directed to the huggable-loveable-oh-so-adorable Mr. Snuggles; no, the horrifying part was that he was looking at Naomi Misora when he said it.

Oh, dear god. She knew that face; that was the face Beyond Birthday had on when he was talking about his goddamn anime collection. That was the face her boss had on when he fired her for refusing to shoot a thirteen year old drug lackey. That was the face on Mr. Snuggles face when he was planning something dreadful.

Not good.

"Light, I think you should reconsider." Naomi said as she interrupted their staring match; although it was one of those awkward love triangle stare offs where Light was raising his eyebrows at L and L was staring down Naomi and Naomi was looking frantically at the both of them.

"Hmm?" He said, pretending not to hear her for the sake of his 'adolescent' image.

"Yes, Light-kun, listen to your precious Misora-san." Why did that sound so ominous? Why did he have that look on his face? Why did Light look so goddamn apathetic? Honestly the one time that he needed to care he decided to go off and be Mr. I'll-ignore-your-problems-because-I-am-God.

"Is that a threat?" Light asked casually, yes it was a threat was he deaf? Couldn't he hear the awful tone in the starving panda's voice?

"Light! If I die then I will come back as a ghost and haunt your ass into oblivion! You hear me Mr. Snuggles?" Somewhere in her heart Naomi knew Light Yagami wasn't listening and that if she ever did become a ghost she'd probably get stuck in ghost traffic or something, and by the time she reached Light he'd be dead.

"That depends Light-kun, on you, and the results you can give me in the next hour. So what will it be, Mr. Snuggles?"

"Hey Mr. Snuggles is _my_ word!" Naomi cried in dismay, how dare L use the term Mr. Snuggles without her permission? It was like rape, that's what it was! Like being eaten by Light and Raye at her wedding because they both mistook her for cake.

Great now all her nightmares were going to involve cake and jam. Why did all her nightmares involve food and stalkers? Naomi was beginning to sense a conspiracy theory, now all she had to do was find out how the government was involved…

"Call me Mr. Snuggles again and I will chop off your fingers and toes with a spoon one at a time letting you slowly bleed to death while I sit in a chair laughing at your misery."

Whose death threats were worse? Light when he was pissed or L when he was denied sexual pleasure?

"Indeed, Light-kun."

"That's better Ryuzaki."

"Hmmm, yes, Light-kun has yet to answer my question."

"Oh, do your worst."

"Light," Naomi whispered fearfully, "I don't think he's bluffing."

"Oh believe me Light-kun, I will." L gave a feral grin that reminded Naomi of a sadist fae that had just eaten the bones of its changeling bride.

"Light, I _really _don't think he's bluffing…" Naomi looked to her knight in shining white armor who appeared to be in a smirking contest with L. He didn't acknowledge the fact that it was her safety he was risking rather than his own.

Light Yagami really was the least romantic person she had ever met.

_However a slut is the cheapest whore of all_

**Author's Note: And with that word of wisdom from Light Yagami I draw this chapter to a close. Hoorah. The cake metaphors seem to be a theme that just keeps on growing, L eating strawberry short cake has taken on a whole new meaning for this piece... Thanks to reviewers and to readers as always I'm still completely shocked by the review number, I think I've mentioned that I'm now in league with cheesy LxLight romance fics but it's true so I'll mention it again. Reviews would be nice, even if they're to tell me to lay off the bad cake metaphors. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	23. Chapter 23

Consequences were not what Naomi had expected, in fact she was rather relieved when she learned what Light's (her) punishment entailed. No whips, no chains, and no bruises. Just an empty wardrobe except for the dreaded slut-slut-whore dress. The pants that Light had so graciously donated to her were gone.

Not the worst thing that could have happened, she had been expecting Beyond Birthday waiting for her in the closet or being drugged and strapped to the rack. She could handle losing her pants, they weren't even her pants they were Light's pants. Frankly she was just glad to be alive, she had been sure L was planning her murder.

Besides it wasn't as if Raye cared, if anything he liked the dress. He even bothered to look up from his newspaper disguise with a raised eyebrow giving her more attention than he had for a year.

It was going to work that was the problem. There everyone went into immediate lockdown of thought process when they saw that the dress was back, everyone except L that is, he looked the same as ever. Light had murderous rage written all over his face, then he looked down at his own bare legs realizing his pants were gone as well. Clearly L had thought ahead, or he just wanted to see Light's skinny Asian legs. Either way it was very resourceful.

"Hey don't blame me, blame the closet that ate all my clothes." Naomi held her hands up in surrender before Mr. Snuggles could say anything insulting, or before he could shoot her whichever came first.

(This was all going on while Naomi was slowly allowing the fact that Light was in his boxers to sink in, wondering just how drugged he was the past night that his pants managed to disappear both out of her and off his legs. Strangely enough Mr. Snuggles really didn't seem to mind the fact that his pasty legs were displayed to his stalker, it was Matsuda who appeared to be gagging in shock.)

"_What are you wearing_?" Light asked in a deadly calm voice reserved for the moments when he was planning someone's imminent demise. Some knight in shining armor, Misa needed to have a reality check.

Naomi took advantage of the awkward silence by analyzing Light's legs, and wondering at the fact that no one had mentioned the fact that he wasn't wearing pants. Maybe Light had hallucinated his pants into place and didn't notice they were missing. Maybe it was an emperor had no clothes type situation, where no one had the nerve to tell the king with homicidal tendencies that he wasn't wearing any pants.

Maybe this whole scenario was just some horrid dream and Beyond Birthday would come drag her into the closet in any moment along with the dreaded jam and birthday cake. That sounded like a much more plausible method of revenge.

Naomi decided to remove herself from that rather horrifying tangent by answering the question.

"It has many names, it is called the dress that never seems to begin, it is called the frilly lacey thing that looks somewhat like a maid's outfit, and it's also called the prostitute makeover made complete."

"_Why?_" Light asked, raising his chained hands towards the heaven as if blaming God for his misfortune.

"Because the closet ate all my clothes, I told you."

Light turned to glare at L with an unrepressed fury and hatred, L continued to perch upon the wheelie chair in utmost glee. (Whether at the fact that Light had yet to put on pants or the fact that he had one-upped a brain damaged Kira was impossible to tell.)

"We are going shopping Ryuzaki."

"No, Light-kun _we _are not." L was still smiling his 'I am a bastard and I like it' smile.

"Yes we are."

"No we are not."

"Naomi, you're going shopping. Now." Light pointed to the door.

"No she isn't."

Naomi was getting slightly creeped out; she wondered if L would maim her in order to keep her (or Light) from buying pants. It was possible.

"Um Light, I'm not going shopping. What if the closet eats me?"

"The closet won't eat you."

"You don't know that! It could be planning it right now! Listening to every word I utter with its big panda eyes; chewing on its thumb with malicious intent. What if it's planning to find Beyond Birthday and store it in its closety depths just waiting for when I open the doors so it will eat me and then there will be jam and it will be sticky…"

"You really do have a Beyond Birthday complex."

"You would too if you had to work that case!"

Light looked over at L with a raised eyebrow wondering how the word 'Ryuzaki' was replaced by 'closet'.

"Nah ah, I ain't going shopping. No how no way. You can't make me. Zip chance. Zero. Nada. Negative. WRONG. Not in a million, billion, zillion years!" Or at least not until L died of diabetes.

"Do you think the closet will return your… pants… If I manage to find results?" Light asked leaning back in his chair with a pensive expression on his luscious face. Clearly Mr. Snuggles was thinking hard, wracking his brain for any sign of Kira's whereabouts.

"Yes, Light-kun. I believe it might." L turned back to his screen with a smirk on his stalker-face, honestly who did he think he was fooling? Matsuda? The problem was Matsuda was remarkably in tune with the nature of soap opera type romances and thus knew all the details of the L-Light-Naomi train wreck of a love triangle.

"Well since you insist," Here Light sighed and pulled about fifty pages of paper from out of his shirt, everyone gaped including the members of the task force who were about as useful as a pair of old sneakers. To think Light had the horrible (ingenious) idea of hiding his findings inside his shirt, just like a woman but without the breasts (or the pants).

"What is that, Light-kun?" L asked probably wondering when on earth Light had enough unsupervised time to find the research necessary to make a paper. Clearly he wasn't remembering the hours he had spent with Naomi Misora, most of them being spent on the computer because 'whores were more boring than word documents'.

"This is the location of Kira, as well as the evidence to support my thesis." Light grinned madly at L who looked as if he had a heart attack.

"You wrote a research paper on Kira's whereabouts, _why_?"

"Because I enjoy making you suffer, and I thought it would be funnier this way. Now about that shopping trip…"

_Pants are godsend_

_Lo is a whore_

_And you my dear are going to have the worst wedding ever_

**Author's Note: Because L wouldn't stop at just Light's pants in Naomi's closet, he'd have to make sure Light just couldn't hand over the pants he was wearing as well. It's crack, it doesn't have to have a plot or make sense it just has to be somewhat funny. Or fluffy, but as I can't write (and have no real desire to write) fluff you get stuck with somewhat funny instead. Hooray! Readers keep reading, reviewers keep reviewing, it's all appreciated. **

**And apparently I can't spell... CURSE YOU WORD SPELL CHECK ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE FAILED ME!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	24. Chapter 24

Well good news and bad news. Good news was that Kira belonged to the Yatsoba company, and had to be one of eight people. Good news was L stopped being depressed since he had a lead and Light in his bed at the same time. Good news was that Matsuda was out of the building with Misa for most of the day.

For a good while it had seemed like Naomi had died and gone to heaven, but it turned out that free escalator ride to the pearly white gates came with a free slap in the face courtesy of her exponentially growing bad luck.

Bad news was that L had hired a new slut. Wedy the blonde bombshell in spandex, not that Light seemed interested but still his eyes would wander in her direction with a raised eyebrow every once in a while. Now she had to compete with two women who were slightly more sane than she was. As if one wasn't bad enough. Apparently she was a thief and good at planting cameras. Naomi's theory was that L secretly longed to get rid of his competition and was having them kill each other off by placing them in highly awkward situations near the lithe Mr. Snuggles.

Really of all the prostitutes L could hire why did he pick the one that was actually good looking? Why couldn't he pick a trampy looking one? Why did the universe persist in punishing her?

In her new pants Naomi glowered at the taller woman just willing for her to take off those damn sunglasses (who wears sunglasses indoors?) and fight like a real woman. But no, she just sat there with that Hollywood smirk on her face just daring Naomi to act. Well Naomi, wouldn't stoop to L's level she'd wait for the skank from America to strike first so that she could call it 'self defense' rather than a bitch fight. That way if she got caught with homicide she could just say 'I had no choice! She had a gun against my head!' and have it be mostly true.

It was fool proof.

"Now the plan to infiltrate Yotsuba are we all clear? Aiber here will be playing my alter ego Erald Coil." L motioned to the stubbly man to his left who looked as if he was trying to appear rugged and handsome, it wasn't working very well.

"You have an alter ego?" asked Naomi, really did L fancy himself a super hero or something?

"I have many alter egos, Misora-san. Now Coil is going to offer his services to the Yotsuba group in order to kill off me, which of course he won't do…"

"How do you know?" Interjected Naomi, "He could secretly hate your guts and just be looking for the nearest opportunity to kill you off. He could have been fantasizing about your death for more than eight years. He could have been planning this moment from the day he woke up shivering in a closet with only jam to clothe his naked body."

"I know he won't kill me because I haven't paid him yet, isn't that right Aiber?" L looked over at Aiber appearing to try to ignore most of Naomi's monologue.

"Um, yeah, I want my money…" Aiber coughed awkwardly apparently thrown off by the idea of him shivering naked in a closet.

"That's what they all say."

Here Wedy let out a chuckle, "I think I like this girl, hon." Here she gave a wink to L.

Naomi wasn't sure whether to be offended or disturbed, looking at L she decided amused was the best option. L didn't appear to be too thrilled at the fact that he had just been called 'hon'. She had to get amusement from somewhere otherwise she'd turn into reclusive cat obsessed woman, who hurled her kitties at unsuspecting victims lurking out her window.

"Yes, well, Misora-san is quite the character." L coughed straightening himself up and looking Naomi full in the eye.

The competition for Light's affections hadn't ended with the recent bout of evidence, if anything they seem to have gotten worse. No doubt because L assumed that Naomi and Light were having sex on a daily basis. He didn't know how wrong he was, Mr. Snuggles sex drive appeared to be suffering from cancer.

"Says the bastard who keeps people locked in a closet with their psychopath stalkers…" Muttered Naomi before the situation could become somewhat tolerable.

No one said anything, Naomi had the feeling that the task force didn't quite know what to think of her. She was just glad Soichiro was still near death and in no condition to hear her awkward statements about his delicious son; thank god for heart attacks.

Just before any more plans could be made the 'Matsuda's being an idiot' bell began ringing.

Watari's voice entered through the intercom, "Matsuda's distress signal began about thirty seconds ago outside the Yotsuba building…"

"Damn, I thought I disconnected that. New plan, stop Matsuda-san from being killed."

"Should we really stop him I mean we could just leave him there…" said Naomi musing at the possibility of never having to listen to Matsuda ever again. "What? It's his own damn fault."

"True but unethical, very unethical." Mr. Snuggles sighed, reaching for a custard pretending to be morally offended.

"As if you have room to talk."

"I don't have fantasies of homicide."

"…"

Naomi and L managed a glance of understanding in that moment of awkward silence. As much as she liked Light when he wasn't on a megalomania warpath she would be kind of glad when he got his brain back from whatever dumpster he had chucked it into.

"Pseudo-Ryuzaki agrees with me," Naomi pointed to the rugged man who held up his hands in surrender trying to remember who Matsuda was in the first place.

"That's Pseudo-Coil to you Misora-san," L interjected.

"Are you seriously suggesting we leave him to die?" asked Light looking actually a bit concerned.

"No, I'm suggesting we ignore his cries for attention. He'll never learn if we keep giving into him."

"He'll be dead."

"Well, that'll teach him."

"But he'll be dead."

Once again frustrated at being ignored during a Light-Naomi debate L slammed his palms down on the table, "We are saving Matsuda, end of discussion!"

And that was how through much frustration and jealousy L was pushed into the position of white knight and saved Matsuda's life. Naomi found it slightly ironic as out the three of them, L probably had the least morals.

_You're moral compass is beginning to concern me_

_If I didn't know any better I'd say the poles have shifted_

_This isn't a surprise but still it's making me wonder_

_Did this shift occur after or before the LABB case? _

**Author's Note: Well there's chapter twenty four for you, complete and utter filler. What did you expect, a plot? Don't make me laugh. Ha ha ha. In other news I recently learned of the existance of LightxSoichiro fics... 'WTF?' was my initial response and continues to be my response. Seriously that makes AizawaxLight fics tolerable. Grammar remains the same, feel free to comment as always. Thanks to readers and reviewers sorry I left you hanging but what can I say I have a life.**

**Reviews would be splendiforous. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	25. Chapter 25

Somehow Naomi knew L would punish her for Matsuda's stupidity. Well it wasn't really because of Matsuda, it was really because of Light and his new tendency to make much less subtle innuendos. It was all Mr. Snuggle's fault, and he knew it.

She was fine back when his innuendos consisted of sly looks and the odd comment or two that only related to her in extremely subtle ways. But these blunt sexual statements had to go, it was sexual harassment clear as daylight. Except that since Light was a chauvinist he believed that it was harassment so much as putting idiots back in their places.

She remembered it as if it were yesterday, there she had been standing awkwardly behind Light and L who were having yet another stare off. Having been lost in her own daydreams she hadn't noticed when the staring match had suddenly turned to her. She also hadn't noticed when Mr. Snuggles gave her 'the look', so of course she wouldn't notice when L gave her 'the glare'.

But unfortunately she did notice when Light Yagami asked her 'the question'.

"Naomi, hypothetically, how much would it cost to sleep with you?"

"What?" That certainly snapped her out of the lovely daydream where she wasn't regarded as a piece of cake. She looked down at her pants to see if she was still in that horrid nightmare where she had been trapped in the Lolita dress for all eternity.

"I asked you a question that wasn't rhetorical, you can't just respond with another question." Light frowned staring at her as if he were counting up the yen amount in his head. Knowing Mr. Snuggles he was going for either free or for negative one hundred thousand yen.

"Um… I haven't really thought about it." Well that was a lie back in middle school when everyone had thought she was a witch they also used to ask her the average cost of prostitution. Why they thought she would know was beyond her, at first she had thought it was attempted date rape and had responded by back handing them, but that got boring after a while so she just made up numbers. 'Thirty seven' ended up making its appearance in many of her conversations just out of habit.

"Well think about it, how much?"

Naomi could feel the loaded question pressed against her temple as Light Yagami decided it would be more fun if they played Russian Roulette.

"Um…"

She wondered if 'thirty seven' was a viable answer or whether she was actually expected to come up with a price high enough that Light would declare her as 'not worth it'. The trouble was if she wanted to stay on Mr. Snuggles' good side she'd have to give precisely the right answer which would be not cheap enough to look like a slut but not expensive enough that he couldn't pay. Then after she came up with that magical number what then? Was she supposed to submit to his innuendo or respond with feminine rage? Which did he really want?

She never had come up with an answer, and she supposed that was why L decided to punish her. Not only because Light Yagami was more interested in paying her for sex than he was in paying L for his regular bouts of sexual harassment, but also because Naomi had been coy enough to not respond.

(It wasn't her fault the question was loaded, she dared L to answer that question and walk away with all his limbs intact.)

That was why she was dressed once again in 'the dress', that was why she was at 'the hooker party', that was why she was being hit on by Higuchi the man-bear-pig, and that was why she was considering suicide as a viable option.

"Hey, do you know where the punch is?" Asked yet another creep-tastic business man, this one semi resembling Mr. Snuggles but with less of the adorable stalker gleam in his eye. She couldn't quite remember what his name was, she was debating between Mido and Fido.

"I have mace in my dress," Naomi stared down the offending male threat with all the paranoia she could muster.

"That's… nice…" The man readjusted his glasses, a drop of sweat running down his face.

"You know I bet if I used enough of it I could blind you and the drunk pig sitting next to me, or if it doesn't blind you I can always use the ten second delay of action on your part to gouge your eyes out with my fingernails. What do you think?"

"So the punch is that way," The man turned away from Naomi as quickly as he could, "Well, thanks. Hope you have fun at the party."

"You too, asshole."

Higuchi the sweating drunkard next to her gave out an intoxicated laugh. "That was hilarious, where've you been all my life sweet-cheeks?"

Naomi thought about the question for a moment, wondering how best to get rid of the drunk bastard. Because for the past half hour he hadn't been taking 'Leave me the hell alone!' or 'I can kill you with my bare hands!' as an answer.

"In therapy mostly."

"Ha, hey you think you ah… want to get together sometime."

Worst day ever. All other worst days ever were now thrown out the window never to be reclaimed. Worst day ever. Oh god, it was Beyond Birthday all over again except this guy was even uglier. He was like the mule version of Beyond Birthday, but without the jam, or possibly with the jam. She just couldn't tell, maybe he had jam stowed in his fridge and he was just waiting for her to set down her drink so the roofies party could get started.

Naomi did the only thing she could think of, she called on her Mr. Snuggles impersonation to pull her through. "Those are nice fingers you have there."

"Thanks."

"How would you feel if I were to cut them off one by one watching you scream in agony as I laugh at your pain?"

"Uh…"

"And after that what if I cut off your toes as well, and then your eyes, then your tongue… Then what if Just sat back and watched you _bleed_." Naomi gave her best 'Light Yagami' grin.

Evidently it worked because Higuchi the date-rapist got up extremely quickly for a drunk man and staggered his way towards the bubbly Misa Amane. Good, Misa could deal with a few intoxicated assholes for a while Naomi was going to spend her time locked in the bathroom and she'd be dammed if anyone was going to drag her out.

Unfortunately Matsuda appeared to have the brilliant idea before her, and perhaps that was what made that day the worst day ever.

"Come on out you asshole!" Naomi pounded on the door, frightening the rather nervous Matsuda into letting out a little squeak.

Perhaps she should have been nicer after all he was about to jump off a very tall building and if he messed this up like he did everything else in life he'd be a tiny little speck of blood on the pavement below. Perhaps he deserved some sympathy.

But then Naomi deserved sympathy too goddammit, and no one cared about her problems. Whenever she tried to complain to someone they either told her to go to therapy or to get a life. But she already went to counseling and she clearly had a life as she wasn't dead! Why did everyone hate her, did she do something to God in a past life? Did she tie his shoe laces together and watch him trip down the stairs leading up to the Eiffel Tower?

"I know you're in there!" She pounded some more on the door wondering if kicking it down would be worth it. Probably not, because if she kicked it down she'd be sure that her convenient hiding place would become annoyingly conspicuous.

"Listen, Matsui, I need that bathroom far more than you do so if you don't kill yourself in a drunken stupor then I will do it for you. You have five seconds."

This time Naomi swore she could hear a slightly louder squeak.

"One." Naomi yelled fiercely into the door wondering just how awkward it would be to kick down a door in the 'prostitution' dress.

"Two."

Clearly it would be very awkward as Higuchi the oaf was standing right behind her along with long hair and elfish and Light Yagami's four eyed look alike.

"Three!"

And then there were the cameras too, she could be certain both Light and L were watching every second of this. While she didn't mind so much if Light saw her ridiculous underwear L seeing it would be…

"FOUR!"

Why didn't Matsuda just come out already? Honestly it would be much better for both of them if he just did what he was told. She wouldn't be in this mess if he did what he was told. In fact it was all Matsuda's fault! That was it Matsuda deserved to die.

"_FIVE!_"

_I have found a very amusing hobby_

_Watching the tapes of you terrorizing poor Matsuda is now one of my greatest pleasures_

_Even more so than sleeping_

_I believe I have you to thank for this _

_And for the first time in my life I understand why Raye Penber would want to marry you. _

**Author's Note: Hooray incredibly long chapter where characters actually do something! Unlike the last couple chapters where the Yotsuba Arc jokes have been overwhelming. Is it just me or is ninety nine percent of this fandom based off of the Yotsuba Arc? Is it the chain or the lack of Light monologuing the readers to death? These are things to be pondered. **

**In other news reviewers and readers are wonderful even if they complain about filler, grammar, and other things that deserve complaint. Feel free to comment on these again or some new issue, like my treatment of Matsuda. The world's your oyster.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	26. Chapter 26

"You threw Matsuda-san off the balcony…" L stated in his normal dead pan, but perhaps in a more rebuking sort of way.

Naomi stood awkwardly in front of the giant computer at the task force's HQ otherwise known as the Bat Cave. She wrung her hands together and tried to come up with an excuse that didn't involve the sentence 'He totally deserved it.' So far she was failing, she blamed the Mr. Snuggles disease.

"I gave him a nudge."

"You threw him off the balcony…" L repeated dumbly, well if he wanted to put it crudely then yes, she did. She did throw Matsuda off the goddamn balcony because he was being a pest and was hogging the bathroom like the little coward that he was. He deserved to be punished, just like L deserved to get punched in the face for being a complete ass.

"Well he was supposed to fall off anyway; it wasn't that big of a deal. I just you know, gave him a little push." A mighty big push more like it, complete with a scream of rage as well as hormonal anger and strength. If it had been someone besides her she might have been awestruck but at the time she couldn't really think of anything besides how much Matsuda was going to suffer for ruining her brilliant plan of hiding in the bathroom until the party was over.

"Misora-san," L paused taking a deep breath as if to steady himself in order to fire her for attempted homicide.

Raye was going to be so happy, and he was going to rub this all in her face. Wonderful, here she had finally gotten a job again and blown it because she was emotionally unstable. Which was unfair because as far as Naomi was concerned ninety percent of the people who worked with L ended up committing suicide, the other ten percent merely went insane, the fact that Naomi hadn't tried to light herself on fire yet was a good sign.

"Can I have your autograph?" L reached out to her with a pad of paper and a pencil an almost smile growing on his face.

"…What?" Naomi asked blinking, she had been expecting to wind up on her apartment doorstep begging Raye to let her in and get the marriage thing over already. This was unexpected, she wondered if this moment was going to spontaneously turn into the cake nightmare.

"I have wanted to do that since the first day he began working for me, unfortunately as I have a reputation to uphold I can't simply go about chucking the incompetent off of large buildings. But Misora-san, you…" Here L gave a rather awed expression and reached out for her hands in a gesture of extreme appreciation. Dear god, she hoped this wasn't going where she thought it was going. Cake she foresaw lots of cake, lots and lots of cake, wedding cake or maybe it was birthday cake either was filled with horror upon horror…

"Hey it was nothing, really, just a little push…"

"Ryuzaki, I thought you wanted to work sometime today. We have a lead we should use it." Mr. Snuggles glared at his partner detective his typical smirk turned downwards into an irritated grimace.

As Mr. Snuggles had previously mentioned he detested other men eating his cake, and the fact that L was trying to ooze up to Naomi made the situation intolerable.

Naomi wanted to dance for joy, finally Light was living up to his role as the knight in white armor and coming to save her ass from L's socially awkward innuendos. Of course he was doing it for his own gain but that could be ignored, so long as the end result remained favorable Naomi was fine with whatever selfish motive Mr. Snuggles might have had.

"It was not just a little push, I saw Misora-san lift him up and haul him over the edge like a sack of potatoes. It was truly inspiring."

Mr. Snuggles growled as he ground his teeth in frustration, his fingers tapping against the keyboard in suppressed rage. The wrath-o-meter now read 'angst' but was creeping steadily towards 'angry-mob justice' with every word L spoke.

"So do I er go to prison now or something? Or are we writing this off as an accident? Because you know Ryuzaki I could have 'tripped' and been carrying Matsuda in a loving gesture at the same time and he just happened to fall off the balcony…" If L was going to try to irritate Light by hitting on her (or if he was being more creepy than usual and just plain hitting on her without any ulterior motives beyond sex) then Naomi was going to take advantage of it.

"Yes, it appears that Misora-chan tripped. What do you think Light-kun?" L looked over at Light for approval and only met the glare of death head on.

(Naomi wondered if Light had actually ever managed to kill anyone just by looking at them, it was possible, with a glare like that she bet even the Devil himself would light himself on fire.)

"Light-kun thinks you are a bastard and that no amount of drugged food will make him forget the fact that he hallucinates killing you about every forty seconds." Light attempted to smirk but was apparently too irritated because it remained at the amused-grimace level.

"Good then we're all agreed,"

Naomi was beginning to regret her decision to hospitalize Matsuda; it left the sane count in the task force to two. Because Aizawa didn't count, his hair protested his sanity as well as his self-image. Ide and Mogi were currently watching them with raised eyebrows no doubt wondering how they were lucky enough to get to work with L and probably planning their retirement in the same thought process.

"Light-kun, I think we should go on a date." L stated in his matter of fact voice, clearly he was having no problems with depression any more. Seeing Naomi throw Matsuda off of a roof had cheered him up immensely; maybe a little too much because he had forgotten all caution in approaching Light about a relationship that he just dove in head first.

And while watching Matsuda being thrown off a building had amused Light for a brief period of time (as indicated by the mass of thank you notes that had appeared among her filing) he now appeared to be on the crash of his good emotion spree.

"Ryuzaki, do you ever wonder why Beyond Birthday decided to light himself on fire?" Light asked, Naomi winced remembering walking in on that rather awkward moment. Honestly she might have preferred walking in on him and his jam for a second time rather than go through the experience of wondering whether she should let him commit suicide or not.

"He had yaoi overload from all the anime he watched?"

Light blinked, raised a finger and thought about his response. It was a rather fine line, but Light sighed and decided to ignore L's answer and pretend he had given a somewhat normal socially awkward response.

"No, he found suicide more pleasing than spending another godforsaken moment with you. I finally understand why he was driven to murder."

"So does that mean you admit to being Kira?" L decided to take advantage of the situation while the moment was still opportune.

"No, Ryuzaki, if I was Kira you wouldbe _dead _right now."

"But you don't my real name…"

"Trust me, I'd find a way."

Naomi looked over to Ide and Mogi who had proceeded to ignore the conversation, Aizawa was glaring over his computer no doubt thinking about combing his beautiful fro into place. Oh if only she had any chance of being over in the sane section of the room, she could see it now her sipping coffee and playing an uninterrupted game of solitaire on the computer.

"Ryuzaki, I don't know if you've noticed but Light here has the sex drive of road kill." Naomi sighed, gesturing to Light with a waved hand. Light looked decently insulted but not nearly as insulted as he should have been.

"What?" Asked L, no doubt wondering where that thought had come from.

"I mean that even though he doesn't fantasize about having sex with women that doesn't mean he fantasizes about having sex with you, in fact I don't think he fantasizes at all. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he was secretly a robot sent to destroy us all just like in the Terminator only without the German accent and the muscles. Who knows, that would explain a lot you know. Like his abhorrence of women, his cynical attitude, his lack of a sex drive, his vocabulary, his ability to be drugged and somehow still function at a vaguely rational level…" Naomi trailed off, her hands raised as she counted off the reasons Light was a robot.

"… Did you come up with this theory just now?" L asked, reverting back to his usual deadpan in the face of Naomi's brilliant theory.

"No, at first I thought he was a vampire but then I figured he'd probably get some sort of a vampire disease from all the food he eats."

"…Am I supposed to say something to this?" L looked as if he were at a loss for words, wondering no doubt when Matsuda had decided to possess Naomi's body.

"Well I thought you just might want to know that your plans to sleep with Light are not only transparent but futile as well." Naomi shrugged, looking over to Light whose wrath-o-meter had finally exceeded 'extreemly peeved' all the way to 'One day I'm going to kill all of you, and it will be wonderous' in one fell swoop.

_Reasons I am not a Robot are listed below, read carefully and try not to look like a complete idiot the next time you state your bizarre theories in front of Ryuzaki._

_Do I look like a robot? Do you see any wires or metal anywhere on my person? If the answer is yes then you are obviously dumber than I thought._

_Time travel isn't possible, period, you'd have to move backwards than the speed of light and since I don't believe in Sci-fi novels I'll take this as a not happening anytime soon._

_Even if I was a robot what motive would I possibly have for travelling back in time and hanging around you, Ryuzaki, and Matsuda? Tell me, if I was goddamn killing robot wouldn't everyone be dead by now?_

_If I was a robot I wouldn't need sleep. The fact that I need sleep proves that I am not a robot._

_You are a woman therefore all your arguments are void._

_I eat, quite a lot, in the hopes that I won't remember what happens to me come midnight and I'm forced to face the dilemma of sleeping on the floor or sleeping the bed where Ryuzaki types away on that GODDAMN LAPTOP OF HIS until the wee hours in the morning where I can no longer function and god knows what happens then… Never mind, next on the list then. _

_If I was a robot I'm sure my family might have noticed sometime in the past eighteen years of my existence that something was wrong, my father is not that stupid, he's just hospitalized._

_Ryuzaki certainly would have noticed, after all he's reviewed every shower I've taken well enough just in case I have concealed weapons that I somehow managed to sneak past him, and he needs to make sure I stay where I am so I don't bash his head into the shower head and towel whip him to death. _

_If I was a robot I would have killed you already as you're paranoid enough to find out that I was a robot therefore my secret would be compromised and you would have to be eliminated as soon as possible._

_Can robots be this angry? I don't know, I certainly hope not or they're sure to turn on us and start a mass revolution in which thousands upon thousands of people die in very traumatizing and humiliating situations. _

_IF I WAS A ROBOT WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR TRASHY CLOTHING? Robots wouldn't care if you look like a whore, robots wouldn't be embarrassed for you every time some jerk at a party tries to feel you up, robots wouldn't be wondering when the torture would end. Robots don't care about fashion statements. _

_There, you see, I am not a robot. _

**Author's Note: That is probably the second largest 'Light note' next to Raye's stalking advice back in one of the first chapters (I can't remember which this thing is so LONG) and with that I celebrate the end of a chapter HOORAY! The Yotsuba arc is almost over! Yay! Then the chain will be gone and I can move on from this fluff inducing section of Death Note.**

**Thank you to readers and reviewers, I'm still shocked at how many reviews this thing is bringing it in especially as it is in a section of the fandom containing only five fics. Three of which are written by me... Anyway more reviews would be appreciated as always, I'll actually try to correct my grammar this time if you point it out instead of being too lazy to do it like I was for the last couple chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or the Yotsuba arc. **


	27. Chapter 27

"This is awkward." Naomi muttered. She was currently seated next to L who had a possessive hold on her arm, they were looking across at Misa who had a possessive hold on Light's arm. Light was looking at L with sheer and utter loathing, probably thinking back on his cake analogy. Awkward was a very good word for the situation.

L in his recent appreciation for Naomi's Matsuda-chucking skills had decided to drag her kicking and screaming on a date with Light Yagami and Misa. Unfortunately what L meant by date was awkward staring session in a room filled with cameras that were being watched by a bunch of middle-aged men who had nothing better to do with their time. It was worse than her first couple dates with Raye when he had actually tried to be romantic.

"Really, I hadn't noticed." Light interjected sarcastically.

"Oh Light-kun, you're just jealous that I'm in Naomi-chan's pants and you're not." L drew Naomi closer, "Isn't that right Naomi-chan?" He grinned with devilish intent.

Naomi wasn't quite sure what to say to that especially considering she didn't have any pants at the moment due to her lack of time to go shopping, she was still wearing Light's pants. So technically if L was really looking into it then he was in both Naomi's pants and Light's pants. A win-win situation as far as he was concerned.

"Ew…" Misa uttered in disgust, temporarily distracted from her Knight-Light smothering by that horrid thought. "But you guys do look… cute together." She said when she realized that when L was distracted by Naomi it was perfect opportunity for Misa to be with Light.

"Ryuzaki, that only worked because she was wearing my pants at the time." Light sighed, rubbing his temples as if trying to ward off any more innuendos that might come out of L's mouth.

"Who said I meant literally?" L grinned again and Naomi began to think back on the food she had eaten wondering if any of it was drugged. This would be the perfect opportunity to realize it was just some horrid nightmare or drug induced hallucination.

Light's temple rubbing stopped, he looked as if he stopped breathing as well, in fact Naomi was pretty sure L had just killed him.

"I think you just gave him a heart attack…" Naomi muttered to L, wondering if she should insist they go to the hospital or just wait for Mr. Snuggles to snap out of it and strangle the living daylights out of L.

"Oh he'll be fine, he's just in denial." L waved his hand with a dismissive gesture, "So Naomi-chan, what do you think of cheese cake?"

"It's okay I guess, I'm not really a cake person…" She coughed thinking on how the theme of cakes had entered her life. She now had nightmares where a naked Beyond Birthday came popping out of a birthday cake; the last thing she needed was L popping out of there as well.

"But you must love cake, only someone as malicious and hopelessly misguided as Light-kun doesn't enjoy cheese cake. Are you a 'Light Yagami' Naomi-chan?"

Mr. Snuggles still hadn't regained movement yet, if L weren't creeping on her she might have been frightened for her life. As it was though the images of cake and L attempting to seduce Light were very distracting.

"You guys are such a great couple," Misa pointed out once again, Naomi had to give her credit she was catching on to the problem fast. If L didn't maintain his momentary attraction to Naomi due to his being indebted to her for throwing Matsuda off of a building then his focus would redirect itself to Mr. Snuggles. The way Misa saw it, if she kept L busy with Naomi then her path to Light was home free.

This of course was disregarding the fact that Mr. Snuggles had no sex drive, but Misa would conquer that hurdle when she got there.

"You're so cute and…" Misa searched for adjectives to describe the look on L's face that didn't resemble 'voyeur' or 'BDSM stalker fiend'. Not finding a good enough descriptor she continued her flattering L into staying hooked on Naomi-cake. "Well it's just so nice that we can double date now instead of that awkward third wheel situation."

The silence that followed was pregnant with awkward twins. One of them named denial and the other named cake. Naomi was really hoping it would get an awkward abortion but then with everyone present it just might be worse. No one wanted to see an aborted awkward fetus, let alone two.

"Yeah, because this is so much more fun now." Naomi sighed wondering where she had gone wrong in life. Was it that first telephone call from L; was it when she accepted that damn job?

She remembered it like it was yesterday, she was holding her cellphone (one of those giant eighties cellphones that look ridiculous) against her ear listening to a robotic voice telling her it wanted her for a case because of the fact that she couldn't kill a thirteen year old boy. Every night since that traumatic experience she had cursed her stupidity and her trigger unhappy fingers. If she ever saw another thirteen year old drug dealer again his brains were going all over the place.

"Ryuzaki, are you trying to get me to kill you?" Asked Light apparently having recovered from his semi-heart attack.

"What, Light-kun?"

"You attempt to seduce me, you enjoy beating me up, you force me into incredibly awkward situations with no remedy, you drug me, you keep me sleep deprived, you have locked me in a prison cell for fifty days, you had me believe my father was about to shoot me, and now you are draping yourself all over Naomi Misora in pseudo appreciation of her getting rid of Matsuda." Here Light paused and attempted a half smile which just turned into his Mr. Snuggles glare of doom. He gave a small breathless laugh and another one followed until finally he was in stressed hysterics.

Naomi had to say, Light Yagami's evil laugh was creepy as hell.

"So tell me Ryuzaki, are you trying to goad me into homicide?"

"Light-kun," L looked at Light with mournful eyes, he held out his hands in a gesture of peace. After a long silence filled with heartfelt understanding he said, "Could you pass me the cheese cake?"

Light exploded his rage meter swung past 'murderous' and into the danger zone of 'divine wrath'. "Be glad I'm not Kira you bastard because I wouldn't just give you a heart attack, oh no your death would be much worse. Do you want to hear how I would kill you, you narcissistic hunched over piece of scum?"

"I believe narcissistic applies to you Light-kun,"

"Isn't it a lovely day?" Misa interrupted trying desperately to get her wonderful date back on track. Naomi eyed the food suspiciously wondering if it was worth being drugged for this conversation with the obvious consequence of being molested by L later.

"Really Ryuzaki, I think Naomi's good for you. With her blandness and your creepiness you make an incredibly cute if somewhat socially awkward couple." Misa blurted once again giggling this time to perhaps cover up her insensitive (but honest) words.

Luckily for Misa Light had been ignoring her for the preferred action of slamming his fist into L's nose.

Light's fist was not unexpected, that's why Naomi supposed L's foot was so fast in response. Naomi sighed, wondering just how she had gotten involved in L's petty attempt to make Light jealous.

"Stop it! Light, stop it please!" Misa was in tears, obviously when she had said 'date' this was not what she had in mind. She had no doubt imagined a beautiful candle lit dinner across from Mr. Snuggles. She had imagined Frank Sinatra singing in the background and Light Yagami opening his mouth to sputter 'I love you' in a heartfelt manner.

Altogether it was a very romantic if implausible scene, Naomi appreciated idea even if she laughed at its content. Poor Misa, she was worse off than Naomi ever was. Sure Naomi might have been dragged on an awkward date with L but at least Naomi had the brains to know that the romantic dinner with Mr. Snuggles was never going to happen.

Fighting while handcuffed appeared to be counterproductive; especially when L's kick to the face sent Light flying L followed as well knocking over the table in his path. Naomi wondered when the testosterone would wear off, she looked around the room to see if anyone would notice if she simply left.

"Light!" Misa cried in agony as L proceeded to roll on top of Light and punch the living daylights out of him. "He's not worth it!"

"Ryuzaki, I think you've had enough fun for one day. Now get up and stop bruising Mr. Snuggles' beautiful face." Naomi said watching as L's fists flew towards Light's rapidly swelling face.

He appeared to be ignoring her, well what an inconsiderate date he was. First he drags her up on a date with him and Light, then he proceeds to flirt unsuccessfully with her, and now he was ignoring her for the immense pleasure of beating up Mr. Snuggles.

"Or you can ignore me, that's fine too."

L still refused to respond.

"Fine, be an asshole see if I care."

Evidently as he still wasn't listening he didn't care.

Naomi decided the best thing she could do was head back downstairs and pretend the whole thing had never happened. She'd have to call up Matsuda and say she was sorry because even Matsuda was better than double dating.

_Somehow you've made my life worse than it was before_

_I think that should be the true definition of true love_

_Chick flicks be dammed_

**Author's Note: This is why L shouldn't double date and why Misa should give up while she's still ahead. In other news this fic is giant, reaching a ridiculous size of over twenty five chapters. It's half the length of a Nanowrimo which considering it's lack of a plot and or character developement is gigantic. As always thanks to readers and reviewers, it's nice to see people regularly following this story even if it is to comment on my horrendous grammar. **

**Reviews would be appreciated as always, it's nice to see people care about their mini-vacation from the world of intense man-love otherwise known as Yotsuba-arc LxLight. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	28. Chapter 28

"This is your fault." It was a Tuesday when Light Yagami confronted Naomi with this wonderful revelation, or so the date at the bottom of her computer screen told her, having been playing solitaire for about twelve hours straight she had somewhat lost track of time (and her sanity). She looked up in confusion wondering just when Light had gotten there, last she had checked he had been dragged off by L in some unknown direction to research things more closely lest L be distracted by Naomi's blunt charm (or at least that was how L had put it when he had dragged the chained Light out of the room).

"What?" She said wondering if he was referring to the lack of anything getting done on the task force due to L's constantly getting sidetracked by possible seduction plans or the fact that Matsuda and Soichiro had returned from the hospital and were glaring at Naomi over from their safe position on the sane side of the room.

Light pointed to L who was busy typing away at a computer with a look of concentration on his face, "This," he reemphasized the correlation between blame and L by jabbing the air with his outstretched finger, "is your fault."

She wondered when L had gotten there, honestly she really hadn't noticed, between the frustrating games of solitaire and computer chess she had become completely oblivious to the outside world, it had been a nice if somewhat short lived vacation.

Naomi looked over, honestly for L he looked relatively normal. Sure he had been working on the case non-stop since they had gotten a lead, but hey so long as he stopped dragging her on awkward dates she was fine.

"I don't see the problem." She said wondering when she could return to her game of solitaire on the desktop.

"Oh don't you? You planned this from the beginning didn't you? Ever since the moment we met you've just been wondering to what depths of misery you could take me, haven't you?" Here Light sneered in revulsion, "Don't lie to me you manipulative bitch!"

"Um…" Naomi uttered in confusion. She wasn't sure whether to be flattered or terrified by Light's accusations, on one hand he thought she was a genius capable of ruining his life but on the other hand he probably had plans to kill her and she still didn't know why.

"You can feign innocence all you want but I'm onto your act," Light's triumphant grin made its appearance as he gripped Naomi by the shoulders. "You knew Ryuzaki would keep me sleep deprived for days on end thus increasing the chance that I might hallucinate."

"Wow, you make me sound really smart…"

"And judging when this might occur you began wearing pseudo-perfume, by perfume I mean pheromones which you had concocted in your own backyard in order to figure out how best to utilize my sleep deprived imagination…"

Naomi was beginning to wonder if Light Yagami's paranoia surpassed even hers, certainly Ryuzaki hadn't helped anything in the last couple weeks of chain-mates but still that was paranoid to an extreme. Yet Naomi still found it strangely flattering, after all Light didn't suspect Wedy the L.A. hooker of causing him to hallucinate using perfume.

"…and now all I can think about is you and Ryuzaki because of those damn hallucinations I keep on having. But the worst part is I don't know which is the real version and which is my imagination gone wild all because you kept wearing that damn skirt and you threw Matsuda off of a building you selfish whore."

Naomi held up her hand, "Wait a minute, I thought it was my fault because I wore perfume. Which I don't, by the way, in case you were wondering."

Light leaned back, "I just thought you might want to know that."

"Thanks…"

"Oh and by the way, Ryuzaki's advances are your fault as well."

"How is that my fault?"

"You encourage him, you give him the nod that it's all clear and time to harass Light Yagami."

"Are you kidding?"

"Does this look like my kidding face to you?"

"You have a kidding face?"

"That's beside the point!"

Naomi couldn't help but notice the smirk on L's face as he watched their debate; clearly he had been planning this all along. She couldn't say she was surprised.

"The point is that you are a horrible awful woman who deserves to die!" His glare intensified as he prodded her with a long judgmental finger. She wondered if it was worth ruining his fantasy that she was not the source of his problems and that his gorgeousness was his own damn fault.

"Light-kun," L said offhandedly watching as Light's head whipped around.

"What do you want with me you bastard?"

"I just felt like mentioning that I'm so proud of you coming to the realization that I had years ago." L put a hand up to his heart as he prepared to deliver the speech that would finally settle the score on the 'Naomi vs. L seduction challenge'.

It seemed that L had abandoned his temporary attempt to make L extremely jealous by hitting on Naomi therefore winning Light to himself and was back to his usual scheme of making Naomi miserable and therefore gaining Light's respect. Naomi had to give him some respect; L certainly was one to take opportunities and run with them, no matter how small or ridiculous.

"Ryuzaki, if you turn this into one of those male-bonding moments I swear to God I will tear off your panda face and make you eat it." Naomi tapped her foot against the ground as both L and Light proceeded to ignore her and her death threats.

"Now we can finally relate to each other, because Light-kun I want you to know that I hate Naomi too!" L stood up and grabbed Light by the shoulders, a great big grin on his childish face. He looked as if he were about to kiss Mr. Snuggles and then twirl around in a happy dance.

"Ryuzaki,"

"Yes Light-dearest?"

Light blinked at the word dearest, "I think we need to get something straight between us."

Naomi wondered if the word 'straight' was intentional there or if Light was being punny unwittingly.

"That you want Naomi-chan to die, I know I just heard. I do too you know, ever since she screwed over that case of mine…"

"Hey, LABB was your fault!" Naomi interjected.

"Well it's just been so difficult to live through that…"

"Difficult for you, you bastard I had to deal with him!"

"…but now I have you and we can hire a hit-man to kill her off together!" L smiled as his running monologue drew to a close with Light looking somewhat puzzled and Naomi fuming. L had drawn Light closer, almost into an extremely awkward bromance hug. Light sighed clearly wishing he had drugged himself more for this moment

"Ryuzaki, there's something you do not quite understand." Light said slowly, still trapped in the awkward chain-mate hug.

"What is it Light-kun?" L said with his trade-mark pedophile grin. Light backed out of the hug so he could look L straight in the eye with his malicious grin.

"Naomi is mine."

Naomi froze, "Wha?" she sputtered ineloquently as her brain worked rapidly to decide whether this was a very good or very horrible thing. Hopefully this would be one of those weird dreams she sometimes had, then she wouldn't actually have to deal with L trying to murder her for actually taking away his love.

"She's mine. Not Raye's, not Beyond Birthday's, not Higuchi's, not your's, but mine." Light restated so that everyone would know exactly who Naomi belonged to. It was almost romantic, in that sickening Mr. Snuggles way.

"I'm not quite following." L said slowly, attempting to back away from Mr. Snuggles intense glare.

"I know, that's why I'm going to go through this slowly and why you are going to pay very close attention. Isn't that right Ryuzaki?" Light's murderous grin could have killed four child rapists, sixteen arsonists, and bucketful of megalomaniacs.

"As much as I appreciate the attention can't we talk about something else? Like cake?" Naomi said rapidly feeling the metaphorical and literal sweat drops run down her face. "Let's talk about cake. Well I don't like cake but I know Ryuzaki loves cake; he just could eat cake all day long… And neither of you are listening because you're both arguing over which of you gets the right to kill me which is illegal if I can add…" Naomi trailed off when she realized that she might want to get forging those new identities now as witness protection did not seem a viable option at the moment.

"Since Misora-san belongs to me it's only natural that I should have certain rights. Only I have the right to point out that she looks like a slut. Only I have the right to annoy her and poke at her ridiculous paranoia. Only I have the right to drape myself over her in a false appreciation for her skills in throwing the incompetent off of very tall buildings." Light had built his voice up so that it was now echoing across the room, everyone was listening, Aizawa had even stopped looking at his reflection.

There was a pause which Naomi decided to use to her advantage, "Hey Ide, I couldn't help but notice you play solitaire during your investigation hours. Me too, what a coincidence! We should play together sometimes, except not since only one person can play solitaire…

Everyone looked at her blankly before turning back to watch L and Light. Well, that plan worked fantastically. It was time to move to Plan C: build a time machine and escape to a much safer period in history where she would not be harassed by men. Specifically L and Mr. Snuggles.

"So you see Ryuzaki, when you suggest that we might kill Misora-san together I can't help but feel you are infringing on my rights. So, Ryuzaki, let's start over. What were you saying about Naomi Misora?" Light's face became instantly cheerful it reminded her of when he was Kira and had pretended to be innocent during their conversations by feigning childish stupidity.

"Light-kun," L said slowly.

"Yes, Ryuzaki? I'm listening."

"Your Kira percentage has been raised to ninety."

"That's what I thought you said."

_I've decided to take a new stance on this whole situation concerning you and me_

_You see this isolationist policy I've been keeping, well it doesn't seem to be working_

_There's still the unsolved problems of Raye Penber and Ryuzaki_

_I've decided that it's time for new tactics_

_No more standing idly by twiddling my thumbs while my enemies gather_

_No, it's time for action_

_Be warned _

_For all Hell's wrath shall be loosed before I'm through_

_They will regret the day they f**** with Yagami Light_

**Author's Note: And there you have it, Light Yagami has officially changed tactics and now has entered the realm of 'Bad Fanfiction Stalker' only with less bishou descriptions of his gorgeous eyes and his dark-artistic soul. Mmmmmm that's good Sue. A note on editing for this chapter, I didn't look at it long so feel free to berate me but keep in mind that it's crack and I was very tired when I posted this. I'll try to fix errors when I can. **

**In other news if Light were English he'd be Henry Higgins, completely and utterly Henery Higgins. He spreads his rudeness, he treats a flower girl like a flower girl and a duchess like a flower girl. He's a jerk to everyone. My Fair Lady, watch it, that's what Light Yagami would have been if he had grown up with lots of money and spare time. Fear it. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing, hopefully you'll drop in your two cents again. That would be loverly. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	29. Chapter 29

"Naomi, what's this?" Raye held up his freshly delivered death threat with care. He looked at it briefly before turning to his fiancée with that sardonic look in his eyes.

The last time he had said that was L's official 'f**** you' letter arrived. The one that said he refused to pay for any of the damage Beyond Birthday had caused and that she would have to pay for the fire damage.

"Um, taxes?" Naomi said tiredly, rubbing her eyes with a yawn. She mostly came home to sleep nowadays as dealing with Raye while awake was somewhat annoying, especially when he insisted in that stupid belief that she was too paranoid to hold a job.

The option of sleeping at headquarters had been rejected when she had realized with horror that meant spending the night in the same building as Light and L. Compared with the awkwardness and peril (in case L finally succumbed to his mounting jealousy and killed her) facing Raye was as easy as petting a kitten. A very whiny, annoying, and smug kitten but nonetheless harmeless.

"Then why the red ink?" He asked slowly looking back to the letter in confusion. Naomi glanced over his shoulder with a cup of coffee and winced, definitely Mr. Snuggles' writing. Well, she guessed he didn't make idle threats.

After all if Mr. Snuggles had the gall to kill off people he didn't even know what would stop him from killing off the people he genuinely hated? Naomi just had this terrible nagging feeling that after L Raye was next on Light's hit list.

"Um, very angry taxes?" Naomi said slowly wondering if Raye was stupid enough to buy it, probably not. He may not have been the best of stalkers but he wasn't a complete idiot.

"Dear Mr. Raye Penber," Raye said out loud in a slow monotonous voice. Naomi could practically hear Mr. Snuggles' voice resounding behind those childish red characters. "I used to believe that I didn't care, that your affairs were none of my concern just as mine were none of yours. I've changed my mind…"

Naomi's mind whirled with a stream of expletives.

Raye paused and looked back up at Naomi, "Naomi, is there something I should know about?"

Naomi took a sip of her coffee, wondering exactly what Mr. Snuggles had written in the letter. She hoped he wasn't too serious, that he'd forget about it once he became a real murderer again and go back to killing off rapists instead. As far as murder for the good of mankind was concerned rapists were a far more desirable victim than old stalkers, maybe Raye would be one of those things that Light would tell himself 'eh I'll take care of it tomorrow' and never do it.

"That depends on what the rest of the letter says," Naomi said bluntly.

Raye looked at her with narrowed eyes as if trying to deduce the possibility that Naomi had written the letter herself to one-up Raye or if Mr. Snuggles actually existed and wasn't a figment of Naomi's overactive and overindulged imagination. Needless to say Raye's deduction skills were often on par with his stalking abilities.

"Naomi, we're going to be married." Raye stated casually, Naomi nodded solemnly regarding the statement as a fact of her very bizarre life.

"Naomi, if we're going to be married I can't have you writing me fake death threats from your imaginary stalker named Mr. Snuggles." Raye said with authority holding up the letter as evidence of her insanity, she wondered if she should bother to contradict him. If he never met Mr. Snuggles so much the better, then Light could forget all about him and go back to murdering criminals rather than inept stalkers.

She'd actually had an imaginary stalker when she was seven but he was nothing compared to the horror that was Mr. Snuggles, her imaginary stalker had been a sociopath named Bubba who carried a knife in his belt and grinned menacingly every time she turned to look at him. If Bubba however had lived to run into Yagami Light… Naomi took a gulp of her coffee and moved on to less disturbing thoughts such as, 'How am I going to outwit Kira and save my fiancé from certain doom and destruction?'

Of course if she agreed that she had written the letter Raye would probably insist that she not only quit her job but also go back to therapy, which she hated above all other things in life possibly even Beyond Birthday. She'd have to sit in that stupid chair and talk about all her adventures with L and Beyond Birthday and now Light and not to mention that clown thing that had disappeared a few months back with Light's imprisonment. She could just anticipate the wonderful times.

"No I suppose you can't…" Naomi said slowly, "But you know I could have been one of those blonde bimbos who doesn't even have the creativity to come up with anything as interesting as Mr. Snuggles stalker extraordinaire."

The awkward silence gained several pounds making Naomi wonder just when it would have to get liposuction or at least go on a massive diet.

"Naomi."

"Yes?"

"I love you, but you have flaws."

"That's nice, can't you just leave it at I love you?"

"Very major, very annoying, and very noticeable flaws." Raye continued as if she weren't present.

"Well you're not exactly prince charming you know, half the time I have to get you incredibly drunk before you listen to anything I'm saying…"

"Naomi, I want you to quit that job you took. The Kira case is very dangerous, you're risking your life and I worry for your safety. You're not an FBI agent anymore, you're my fiancée, and you're going to be my wife. In time you'll move on and all of this will be a thing of the past."

Naomi tried to suppress the side of her personality called 'feminist rage' from bashing Raye's sexist head in with a chair. Worse than Mr. Snuggles if it were possible, Raye had just become worse than Mr. Snuggles.

"Right, well, that was an inspiring speech Raye."

"Then there will be no more Mr. Snuggles, no more clowns, no more detectives, and no more paranoid venting sessions and my life will be complete." Raye let out a giant sigh and dropped the letter of ultimate doom and destruction on the table.

"Raye," Naomi said as she picked up the abandoned letter, she looked at Mr. Snuggle's identifiable handwriting with a sigh of her own. "Is it possible, that you're blaming my paranoia for the fact that you're a jerk?"

"Well, it is all your fault."

"Funny, you are the second person to tell me that."

"I admire him already. He must be a genius."

Naomi wondered if it was a good time to mention that the man he admired so much was planning his death as they were speaking, knowing Raye it probably wouldn't go over well unless he was really really drunk. The problem was they were out of wine and if she started convincing him to drink beer he'd know something was fishy.

She remembered how difficult it was to get him drunk after that whole bus hi-jacking fiasco, she'd had to start up a drinking contest and then rig it so that she always won and he had to take the drink. Of course she also had to make sure that it wasn't too childish so that he didn't have the chance to sneer down upon her and not drink anything.

"Yeah, um about this whole not-working thing… I have uh some loose ends I gotta tie up at the office, you know work related things that need doing so I really can't quit right now. Maybe in a couple of weeks, so I gotta leave and when I get back we can play that drinking game you love so much."

"What drinking game?" Raye asked warily.

"Oh you know, that one drinking game, that you love… Make Naomi look like a feminist idiot drinking game… That involves lots of alcohol and other booze related materials"

"Naomi, just stay home and don't…" Raye paused gripping his temples and sighing, "Just please don't embarrass me."

"I thought you loved that game though, I mean I always win and you always get really really drunk and never remember what happened the next morning which is usually a good thing…"

"Naomi, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"See you love the drinking game, it'll be fun. So I'll be back later with some beer or wine or whatever I can get for cheap and we'll play ourselves a nice round of the drinking game. It'll be a blast, you'll see."

Without waiting for an answer Naomi shoved the note in her pocket and waved goodbye to Raye, Raye simply watched her leave and went back to reading his newspaper.

She was going to kill Mr. Snuggles… After she took a nap.

_Dear Mr. Raye Penber,_

_I used to believe that I didn't care, _

_that your affairs were none of my concern just as mine were none of yours._

_I've changed my mind. _

_You see I've begun to put things into perspective,_

_I've realized in the past couple of hours that I have lost a lot of ground_

_Yes, I did start later and that is to be taken into consideration but it appears that you are winning this strange little game of winning Naomi Misora's frank heart._

_This was inconceivable to me for a good thirty minutes because of course all things considered I am far more intelligent and handsome than you. _

_After all what can you do, let's see you can be patronizing (but not so much as me), you can read a newspaper in a blatant attempt to ignore her nagging, and you can fail at stalking people. _

_Impressive, very, very impressive. _

_That considered there is no plausible way I see it that I can't win, and yet you're the one who's going to marry her and all I get (at most) is a torrid love affair. _

_I will not settle for a passionate romance, I've read Shakespeare and frankly I hate affairs, they're so boring and demeaning. Plus the female lead is always a high-maintenance whore that I would never be able to put up with in real life. _

_Can you imagine living with Juliet, small wonder Romeo poisoned himself…_

_You see if you marry Naomi Misora as planned that is what I am reduced to, the male romantic lead in a romantic comedy/tragedy. _

_Both sound just dreadful._

_As a result I've come up with a proposal that might interest you,_

_Never talk to Naomi Misora again or you'll die._

_Don't worry about me though, I won't be caught, I'm too smart and too handsome to be caught killing an idiot like you. _

_And you will die, there's no question about that. _

_Let me reiterate for you as I'm sure you've ceased to believe that statement by now as you consider yourself a sane well protected man._

_You, will, die. _

_You'll never see it coming either, because in order to not be caught by the police (especially after delivering this lovely letter) I'll have to be very creative to make it look like quite the accident. _

_You'll never know what hit you. _

_I can assume now that Naomi has stolen this letter from you as she is a very clever girl and a very nosy one as well. Hello darling, did you miss me? _

_Naomi, to you I say this; it's for your own good._

_I don't care what you think of me now as you read this letter, you know I'm right, Raye Penber must be eliminated._

_I'm not doing it for your happiness; I'm doing it for mine._

_Don't be an idiot and mistake it for an act of charity._

_I did tell you, I'm a selfish bastard._

**Author's Note: I think that is Light's longest note so far, and about the romantic lead it's true; watch Casablanca you'll see what I mean. In other words at a snails pace I am making my way through this RIDICULOUSLY LONG crackfic, for those of you who complain about lack of plot I agree this thing is ridiculous. In other news this has officially passed my other ridiculous fic with no plot (or a plot so confusing that no one can follow it) in reviews... I'm still shell-shocked by this. **

**Thanks to readers and reviewers, it's good to hear that this is actually funny and not one of those fics that thinks it's funny but isn't. Reviews are always welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	30. Chapter 30

"I've got you now Mr. Snuggles, I caught you red handed!" Naomi waved the threatening letter about in Light Yagami's sleep deprived face, he looked up at her with raised eyebrows, "See red-handed, because you wrote it was a red pen so it must have bled all over your fingertips so you had red hands when you wrote it so… red hands… you get it… I'm onto your game!"

Somewhere in the room someone coughed very loudly, Light stared blankly at Naomi for a few seconds before responding.

"Naomi, I have no idea what the hell you are talking about." Light said with a sigh waving the letter out of his face. Naomi managed a pout at this because she knew very well that he was lying, he had that lying expression in his eyes that he got whenever he was trying to convince himself that Misa was tolerable.

"Naomi-chan as much as I love you, could you please go sit down and be incompetent and distracting someplace else?" L said in a very loud and obnoxious monotone all the while glaring at Naomi out of his panda eyes.

"You did this Mr. Snuggles, and if anything, and I mean _anything_ happens to Raye I'll know it was you!" She pointed at the letter before pointing to Light to emphasize the connection. Light simply held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Naomi, I didn't write that."

"Yes you did, only you send me annoying letters insulting me and calling me a whore!"

"No, I do that as well Naomi-chan." L said with a raise of his hand.

"Oh yeah, I do that too."

"Same, I send you angry letters all the time."

"Well then Light raids my mailbox because the only angry letters I've been getting have been from him."

They all blinked and looked at Light, it was highly probable, they could all see him pilfering through her mailbox and throwing out their own complaints in order to replace them with his own.

"You have no evidence." Light pointed out with ease.

He was right of course, all she had was a bunch of unsigned letters that may or may not have been written by Light. Who knew it would be just like Light to change his handwriting specifically so he could write Naomi annoying letters.

"Have I ever told you that you are the worst person that I have ever met? This is including Beyond Birthday, Ryuzaki over here, Misa, Higuchi, the Devil… In fact you're not the worst person I've ever met; you are the worst person to have ever existed."

"Now that's a bit extreme," Light interjected, he looked over to L who simply shrugged as if to say 'Naomi-chan is insane, what did you expect?'

"Is it? I bet your family would agree with me. Soichiro do you think Light is the worst person in the world?" Asked Naomi, the man had no comment and simply looked down at his shoes in shame.

"The silence means yes."

"The lack of an answer means he does not wish to acknowledge your presence and has no problem with mine."

"Well you are a jerk."

"I'm sincere, I treat people the way the deserve to be treated."

"That's not being sincere, that's being an ass."

"But you see I mean the way I act as opposed to just pretending to be nice."

"No I've definitely seen you fake being charming at times, so you are not only a liar but you're a hypocrite as well."

"Now you're just looking for a fight."

"That's right I am, I'm tired of you and your…" Naomi gestured to Light's general handsomeness that made it almost impossible to reprimand him.

"Intelligence?" Suggested Light helpfully.

"No, your…"

"Wit?"

"No…"

"Cunning?"

"No!"

"Charm?"

"Definitely not…"

"Impressive vocabulary?"

"That's irrelevant…"

"Oh then my handsome face."

"Yes! That's it! I am tired of your handsome face!"

"Well that's rather shallow Naomi, you could have picked anything to complain about and you chose my features. I'm surprised at you, that's something I'd expect from Misa."

"That's exactly why everyone hates you!"

"Now, now Naomi, you're getting me confused with your awful dress."

"I haven't worn that thing for days I'll have you know, and I only wore it to that trashy party at Yotsuba because Ryuzaki made me!"

Light responded in a high mocking voice, "I only wore it because Ryuzaki made me, he made me look like a slut, I only draped myself all over that Higuchi because Ryuzaki brain-washed me to think I was a prostitute." Light stopped talking and then switched into his usual mocking voice, "Blaming your problems on poor Ryuzaki, if I didn't know any better I'd call you a selfish high-maintenance whore."

"Light-kun," L said in shock because it was perhaps the one and only time Light had ever stood up for him. "I don't know what to say…"

"Ryuzaki, did I say that you could talk in my woman's presence?"

"So I'm your woman now?"

"Light-kun, your Kira percent is rising again…" L mumbled before turning back to his own game of solitaire on the computer.

"Yes Naomi, you are my high-maintenance whore."

Naomi couldn't repress the image of her ghetto alter-ego draping herself all over Light Yagami's pimp alter-ego along with Misa and a couple other scantily dressed women… She had to admit the bling matched Light's narcissism quite nicely.

"Yes Light-kun, but you see she works for me." L pointed out with his usual monotone.

"Shut up, Ryuzaki." Light replied.

Before L could say anything reprimanding or Light could say anything sarcastic Misa solved the Kira case.

Naomi thought back on that sentence later, Misa solved the Kira case. That was possibly worse than Matsuda solving the Kira case. It was a close call though, either way it did nothing to ease the haunting image of pimp-Mr. Snuggles complete with cane and bowler hat.

She stood in the entry way dressed as a naughty nurse playing a cell-phone recording of Higuchi confessing not only to be Kira but also to want to get into Misa's pants. Naomi wasn't quite sure if she was trying to rack up the jealousy points on Light's part or gain his admiration.

It was the naughty nurse bit that was distracting and somewhat humiliating for the taskforce, after all before this little incident Misa had been rated lower on the respect-scale than both Matsuda and Naomi.

"Misa," Light said slowly, "You did it…"

"We've got him…" L added slowly looking over towards Light Yagami no doubt with the realization that he was going to die because he had yet to either sleep with Light Yagami or prove him to be Kira.

"We've caught Kira…" Light whispered and Naomi wondered if he had remembered that he was Kira or if he was just being ironic for the hell of it.

They were right of course, they had caught Higuchi, all that was left now was shipping him off to the nearest jail house and frying the poor bastard. Still Naomi had that sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't be that easy, her paranoia sense was tingling. After all Mr. Snuggles would never have made it that easy for L; perhaps killing Higuchi would invoke some ancient demonic blood ritual that would summon the dark powers of Kira and allow Light to take over the universe and crush Tokyo underfoot. It would be like a B-rated horror film, only with less terrible CGI and more death…

"All we have to do now is catch him in the act, Matsuda, remember how you fell off that roof and I promised never to risk your life again in the midst of this investigation?" L asked a now sweating Matsuda who was trying to ninja his way out of the room.

"Yeah?" Matsuda said in a shaking voice as he looked back at L with terrified eyes.

"I lied."

_No time to write_

_I have a life that does not involve women_

**Author's Note: Oh Light and his satanic shinanigans... *cough* Anyway the plot continues to go nowhere which annoys some of you to no end but I still stand by the fact that one this was never supposed to be this long of a fic, and two it's a crack fic which means plots just take away from the one-liners that are waiting to be written. The Yotsuba arc... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! YES! **

**Reviewers are wonderful, readers are wonderful, more reviews would be great. (Oh and as far as the make-fun-of-my-horrendous-comma-usage-competition goes I think the stats remain the same from the last time I posted stats... Whatever those were in case any of you were actually interested)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	31. Chapter 31

Well for the benefit of mankind or not Mr. Snuggles had done it, Kira was back in business, and not the Higuchi Kira either but the psychotic obsessive compulsive frightening Kira. The task force hadn't looked exactly thrilled when they returned, and Light had looked a little more demonic than usual but she hadn't really expected that her entire religious view was about to change.

Apparently atheism was perhaps not the best way to go, because there was some supernatural thing watching over them. Unfortunately it wasn't anything as parental as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, humanity was being watched over by a bunch of fickle hungry gods of death who killed people using magical notebooks. Of course Naomi had been convinced that angry clowns were the source behind fate but she supposed Shinigami worked well as a substitution, she seemed to be the only one who accepted this new development as Matsuda had spent the last couple days rocking himself in a corner.

She supposed it fit in naturally with her paranoia to believe that the universe was controlled by a horde of decaying gamblers who wrote down names in notebooks that gave out heart attacks like a pedophile gave out candy. After a moment or two of 'wtf' she accepted her fate with delicacy and moved on to more important matters like protecting herself and poor Raye from Mr. Snuggles wrath.

Mr. Snuggles was back in full force having apparently completed whatever demonic ritual was necessary in order to restore the spirit of Kira. He was just as sarcastic, cranky, and cynical as ever being a jerk not only to Naomi but to everyone else as well. Naomi was kind of glad he was back, she had missed his old-man attitude in the last couple of months but of course this also meant that he could fulfill his threat of killing Raye with ease which was not necessarily what Naomi had wanted.

Can't have your cake and eat it too, the little voice in the back of Naomi's head told her. Then of course she shuddered at the mental images that always accompanied… cake…

With their very own magic notebook also called a Death Note in their possession the task force proceeded to check the names in the notebook and search down the new Kira that had killed off Higuchi and was not Light Yagami. Due to a loophole rule called 'the 13 day' rule Light was now free as a bird and definitely not Kira, which frustrated L to no end. (Of course both her and L knew that Light was lying his ass off and that the 13 day rule was ridiculous but Naomi wasn't going to tell Kira that and get her head chopped off.)

Also a rather large squid woman had taken to hanging about headquarters calling herself a Shinigami. At least Naomi thought it might have been a woman, she wasn't entirely sure, it was very difficult to tell and she didn't want to ask Mr. Snuggles just in case it got insulted and tried to kill her. You never knew with the gambling death gods who ruled heart attacks with an iron fist a single word out of place and your heart was the equivalent of roast turkey.

"So… heart attacks aren't caused by fat they're caused by slot-machine addicted skeleton people who have a hobby of voyeurism. I wonder what organized religion would have made of this new discovery?" She asked Light, she was convinced of course that they weren't going to go tell the Pope anytime soon but then Light did have that demonic glint in his eye…

They were going to start so many religious wars over this…

"I'm sure they'll take it quite well." Light said with a shrug, "Speaking of taking things well, Ryuzaki I believe Kira is dead and I'm still chained to you."

"Clearly Kira is not dead as Higuchi just died of a heart-attack." L protested clearly seeing the end of his chained life coming and dreading it.

"Yes well, he's not me so we can get rid of this chain and get on with our lives."

"…" L was unusually silent he stared at Light with blank panda-eyes that spoke of unspeakable sorrow. Naomi liked to think that this was the moment when L realized that not only was he going to die he also wasn't going to get laid anytime soon.

"Yes Light, it appears that you're not Kira…" L said through his grit teeth and then sighed and looked over to the looming squid-woman, "and I suppose you have no idea who he is or what he's planning?"

The squid woman hesitated but L cut her off with another sigh, "I thought so, if anyone needs me I'll be depressed upstairs."

L then slouched his way upstairs pulling the still handcuffed Light behind him as they made their way to a nice quiet place where L could sulk in peace for a few hours.

"Ryuzaki, when I said I wanted this damn chain off that did not mean I wanted to join you in your moping session! Goddammit! Can't you just accept the fact that you'll probably be dead in a couple days and that I'll have nothing to do with it?" Light shouted at Ryuzaki as he was dragged up the glass stair case.

"No, Light-kun I cannot."

"Well, that's your problem Ryuzaki not mine."

"Oh yes Light-kun, it is yours, because I know that it's going to be your hand that…"

Their voices trailed off into the distance where Naomi could no longer hear them and left her only to guess at what would happen next. That was the first day, and it was that day she realized that so long as Light was preoccupied with killing L he wouldn't give a thought to killing Raye.

"Yes! My incompetent fiancé is safe! Take that Mr. Snuggles!" rejoiced Naomi, she would have continued but then she noticed the task force was giving her that look again and that the squid woman was also giving her the look. Then she noticed that no one was talking and that Matsuda was staring at her with wide fearful eyes.

"Please don't kill me." Whispered Matsuda in the lengthening silence. Naomi frowned wondering if he was referring to her or to the shinigami, it was a tough call.

"Yeah, you know what I have to go get Raye extremely drunk right now so I'll catch you guys later…"

And with that Naomi's day at the task force ended and she went home to purchase alcohol and spend a miserable evening getting Raye drunk to the point of ridiculousness.

_Alas Naomi I cannot make you the goddess of my new world_

_Would you settle for nymph?_

_Or what about secretary?_

_Secretary of the new world, it has a nice ring to it…_

**Author's Note: That's right organized religion would no doubt attempt to commit suicide by pounding its head against a wall if it discovered that the universe was actually controlled by a dozen or so apathetic (and not very intelligent) gods of death who spend their time either gambling, attempting to find ways of entertaining themselves through ridiculous plots, or becoming enraptured with a specific human by the name of Misa Amane. Hopefully that will never EVER happen. **

**In other news thank you to readers and reviewers you guys rock, more reviews would be appreicated as always. A surprisingly few amount of you have commented on my atrocious grammar, I'm beginning to take this as a good sign. You know you want to contradict me. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	32. Chapter 32

"We are having victory sex." An unchained Light Yagami said to Naomi Misora outside headquarters with a determined expression on his face. Having recently been released from imprisonment he had immediately jumped on the opportunity to walk outside headquarters at any given moment. Also he had a new tendency of coming up with either 'revenge' or 'victory' schemes which he told to Naomi in great detail.

However the 'victory sex' scheme blew the 'victory dance on Ryuzaki's grave' scheme out of the water.

Naomi wasn't sure when Light had decided that 'victory sex' was a good idea and that he needed to have it immediately but given Mr. Snuggles handsome physique she wasn't about to say no…

"Erm… Isn't this something you should be asking Misa? After all I think she was the one who you said was going to be the goddess of your new world or something like that. Besides you're going to live with her I'm pretty sure… victory sex is easier with someone you live with" Naomi questioned, she had been a bit insulted at the time and then remembered that in Light's eyes 'goddess' was equivalent to 'footstool' and then she decided that pity was a far more appropriate emotion for Misa.

(Of course she still wanted to murder that BLONDE LITTLE WHORE and was planning her revenge even while pitying the poor fool. Light may destroy Amane Misa in time but Naomi would sure as hell make sure her life was miserable first!)

"Naomi, you don't understand. Having victory sex with Misa would be degrading and I just have this feeling she'd drool all over me, having victory sex with L is like rape it's so disgusting I can't enjoy it, and well you were the only other person who immediately came to mind."

Neither of them mentioned the fact that L had most likely already drugged Light into oblivion and then raped him anyway. They both instead looked to the side and then decided to divert back to the original theme of the conversation.

"…Thanks I guess? But erm… why are we going to have victory sex?" Did L brainwash Light into having this idea in an attempt to bypass seduction and just get on with the sweet loving?

"When one dominates the known universe and creates a utopia one must find a way to celebrate his new reign."

"By having victory sex…"

"That's right."

Naomi decided it was best not to argue when Light thought he had a brilliant idea, especially when he was planning to kill her fiancé.

"Yeah, er where exactly are we going to do this because if we're going to my house I'm going to have to get Raye _really _drunk in order to pull that off, and if we go to your house… don't you have a little sister?" Not to mention she had no idea what his house looked like and she had this frightening feeling that it was going to look absolutely normal and therefore be completely terrifying.

"Hotel room."

"You're going to reserve a hotel room so that we can have…victory sex?"

"Yes, it's already done."

"You assumed I'd say yes too?"

Well of course he would, if she had said no he'd have found some way into manipulating her into having victory sex and if she didn't he'd probably just kidnap or lead her on a mad goose chase that would eventually end in the hotel room.

"Naomi, you're too afraid of me to say no and well… who would say no to this beautiful face?" He asked with a charming smile that looked far too good for his horrid personality.

"You bastard…" Naomi sighed wondering once again who had given him this rather frightening idea of celebration. She blamed the internet.

"By the way don't take my living with Misa the Satanist as an insult; it's simply necessary for my survival as well as yours."

"…"

"You see Misa is what I like to call a jealous bitch and if she knew that I would prefer living with someone mildly tolerable well then both of our heads would be mounted upon her wall… But she'd go after yours first you know." He pointed out at which point Naomi ground her teeth together and continued her plans for revenge upon Misa the 'stupid ugly prostitute Satanist who had no fashion sense at all'. The rack was too good for her now, no flaying sounded far better…

"… So you decided to risk both your and my life by having victory sex."

"Mostly your life. I'm sure if I convinced her that it was _you _who did the raping then I would remain uninjured and only your head would be mounted on a wall."

"Oh so now it's victory-sex/rape is it?" Naomi asked in a rising voice poking Mr. Snuggles in the chest.

Light nodded solemnly Naomi waited to explode in response because Matsuda had just walked out of task-force headquarters with a terrified expression on his face. He was looking about him worriedly, searching the heavens no bout for invisible reapers bent on his precious heart.

Poor Matsuda was not handling the news of Shinigami well at all, he had been like that for three days now and whenever he happened to see the resident squid woman he let out a shriek of terror and ran into another room.

"Matsuda they're probably going to notice you more if you walk around all hunched over like that." Naomi observed as Matsuda shuffled his way past both Light and Naomi all the while holding his hands over his head in order to shield his face.

"You don't understand! You're too crazy to understand that you could be killed at any moment."

Naomi paused her brain came to a halt, Matsuda was right she could be killed at any moment…

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT!" Naomi screamed flinging herself at Light in order to shield her face from prying gods of death. "They could be anywhere! They could be here! They could be standing right behind you chuckling at my demise, chuckling away until there's nothing left of me but my own scribbled name in some notebook and my corpse!" Naomi took a breath and looked up at Mr. Snuggles, "YOU COULD BE A GOD OF DEATH FOR ALL I KNOW!"

Matsuda became perhaps even more terrified than before, "We're all gonna die!" He cried out running away from the pair before Naomi's paranoid melt-down could affect him further.

"Naomi that makes no sense, if Shinigami are invisible as Rem claims then why on earth would I go parading about in human form simply to kill you? If I wanted to kill you I could simply have done it by now." Light argued in a quiet voice clearly put out by the fact that his victory-sex scheme had been all but forgotten.

"Maybe you're just toying with me! Maybe you think it's is fun to play with your food before you write down its name in you Kira notebook! Maybe Kira doesn't exist at all and this isn't even real and that we're all trapped in some cyber-net spin off of another pseudo reality in which I'm already dead!"

There was a long uninterrupted silence between Light and Naomi.

"Naomi, that has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard." Mr. Snuggles sighed as he looked at her, shaking his head at her paranoia.

"How can you expect me to trust _you_,you're one of _them_!"

Suddenly Light Yagami had a magnificent idea, a wonderfully magnificent idea, "You're right Naomi I am one of them,"

"I KNEW IT!"

"And being one of them I am obviously going to kill you as soon as you begin to bore me, do you know what that means Naomi?"

"Erm…"

"That means we're going to have victory-sex and you are going to convince me that I am entertained by it, otherwise you know what is going to happen."

"Angry clowns are going to take over the universe?" Naomi's nightmare was becoming more real by the moment and Mr. Snuggles was at the heart of all of it, "And Beyond Birthday will break out of prison and become God Emperor?"

"…Yes." Light paused and then adjusted his statement, "Except for Beyond Birthday being God Emperor, I will be God Emperor."

Naomi sighed in relief, "Well you as God Emperor isn't so bad, I mean at least then you wouldn't try to turn the known universe into jam filled anime convention."

Light paused again and then said, "Are you more likely to follow my schemes if Beyond Birthday is God Emperor?"

Naomi wondered if not answering would allow Light to assume she had said yes, of course if she said no he'd instantly know she was lying…

"On second thought Beyond Birthday will be the God Emperor."

Naomi cursed internally, great now if she didn't follow Light's ridiculous plans then he probably would turn Beyond Birthday into God of the universe. Not a good day, not at all. Naomi wondered if screaming in fear and anguish would allow some relief.

"In any case it is clearly evident that you have no choice but to have victory sex with me, that is unless you wish to destroy all intelligent life-forms by turning reality into a never-ending anime convention." Light held out his hand to Naomi, which she accepted somewhat tentatively and with a new-found horror of/respect for Mr. Snuggles.

"Oh and by the way, I still find you annoying and high-maintenance and not in the least bit worthy of my attention."

_Duties of the Secretary of the New World:_

_Make me coffee every morning. (Black like my soul)_

_Take all complaints about my conduct (Yes this includes the human rights activists)_

_Respond to all complaints about my conduct (Especially to the human rights activists)_

_Divert Misa's attention_

_Divert everyone else's attention_

_Pretend to sleep with me but don't really because I don't have time and I don't care about your libido_

_Conduct my press conferences for me_

_Come up with a bad pun involving L, a porqupine, and some other miscilaneous object to be chosen at random every day. (Yes this means a different bad pun, I can't just listen to the same pun every single time. I demand creativity!)_

_Answer telephone calls in an obnoxious voice_

_Prevent Matsuda from being an idiot_

_Create a method for time travel (just for fun)_

**Author's Note: Victory sex is a legitimate plot device... Sort of... I was running out of plot ideas. In the mean time, YES THE YOTSUBA ARC IS OFFICIALLY OVER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (cough) In other news there are two hundred reviews, that's right you heard me, two hundred reviews for a fic that centers around conversations involving Light's handsome face. I think we should be proud. **

**Thanks to readers and reviewers, you guys are what keep this update rate intact. Otherwise I'd probably update every six months like all my other fics. **

**Reviews as always are welcome, keep pushing that number up folks. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	33. Chapter 33

"Light do you know what the problem is with your plan?" Asked Naomi to a rather exhausted and irritated Mr. Snuggles.

"No, Naomi, I don't. Please, would you be so gracious as to inform me?"

"YOU HAVE NO SEX DRIVE!"

Naomi was a little more irritated with Light than usual. It wasn't that she had been stuck in a hotel room with him for four hours, no; the part that really pissed her off was that Light was blaming his lack of ability to have victory sex on her.

(And maybe the fact that they hadn't had sex and she had been really looking forward to that…)

"Perhaps you simply lack the ability to seduce people, I mean one would think after this much time one of us would be slightly closer to being aroused." Mr. Snuggles sighed and looked at his wrist watch again.

How was it her fault that she couldn't seduce him? That was like Mount Everest saying it was all the climbers fault for dying because they didn't reach the top.

Naomi had certainly started out with high hopes but Light was right, she was no longer finding the whole situation in the least bit sexy it was just kind of boring. There they were sitting awkwardly apart from each other, each staring at their own wrist watch and sighing simultaneously.

"You know maybe if we both got really, really, REALLY drunk this might work."

"But then tomorrow I'd have a hangover and I do not want a hangover."

"Alright then what does attract you? What do you think is worthy of victory-sex?"

"…"

"Come on there must be something."

"…"

"You know what, if you are attracted by nothing then what in God's name made you think this was a good idea?"

"It sounded like a good idea at the time," Light sighed and leaned back in his chair and draped his arm over his eyes in exasperation. Things were not going as planned for Mr. Snuggles.

"You know," Naomi said interrupting Light's 'woe is me, my plans have failed' act, "Maybe we're just approaching this from the wrong angle."

"How so?"

"Well, we're approaching this like normal people." Naomi reasoned, "Look maybe if we think at it from a different perspective than we'll be able to pull this off."

"A wonderful hypothesis," Light said sarcastically as he examined his wrist watch once again, "What do you suggest?"

"Well, we both know you're a narcissist, so maybe if I cross-dress as you then you'll get faintly… aroused?" Suggested Naomi, although how she was going to impersonate Light seriously was beyond her.

"You have a rather low opinion of my sexual nature, don't you Naomi?"

"Hey, come on it's either narcissism or gothic-lolita and frankly I'd rather dress as you than dress as Misa." Besides Naomi had burned her whore dress in an act of pure and utter rage if that's what attracted Light then she'd have to go out and buy a new one or steal one from Misa which would just be humiliating.

"Well… It's worth a shot I suppose, but can we please wrap this up in about forty-five minutes I have a life outside of this hotel room."

"Yeah and Raye just found the cache of angry letters from you in our mailbox and thinks I put them there so I have to take care of that sometime… Hopefully today, so maybe thirty would be better." Naomi was looking at her wrist watch as well a frown on her face.

"He found my letters?" Asked Light, "Well that means I have to replace them, better make it twenty if I have to do that today as well."

"No you don't have to replace them…" Said Naomi thinking of the disaster of Light trying to send her twice as many letters as before.

"Of course I do, I mean what on earth would you do with your time if you weren't busy trying to get rid of my angry letters?" Asked Light

"No really Light, don't send me angry letters." Naomi deadpanned but Light wasn't listening instead he was winding down the minutes that they were allowed to have victory sex for.

"You know thinking about this, perhaps ten minutes is the best time for both of us. I never realized how busy I was, ruling the world is a time consuming task." Light realized he looked over at Naomi and Naomi looked angrily at him. Neither one moved, well it looked like they were back to square one… again.

"Yeah, I'll go change into my Light Yagami costume." Naomi said and disappeared into the hotel's bathroom. Clearly it was going to be one of those long ridiculous nights that she sometimes had.

Sex with Yagami Light wasn't nearly as sexy as she had thought it was going to be.

_This is a replacement letter_

_If Raye confiscates this one as well_

_I WILL ENSURE HIS DEATH WILL MAKE L'S TORTURE METHODS LOOK LIKE KINDERGARDEN!_

_On another note, lovely weather we're having_

_Isn't it?_

**Author's Note: Strangely enough I think I want my very own Light Yagami costume... Hmmmm, in other news somehow victory-sex has turned into a three-chapter long arc. I suppose it's just as much drama and ridiculousness as normal fanfiction sex scenes and with just as much angst! **

**Thank you to readers and reviewers you guys keep the chapter count rolling past... thirty... this is ridiculously long. More reviews however are appreciated otherwise this goes into the 'updated every six months' pile of my documents. Wouldn't want that to happen, do we? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	34. Chapter 34

"We are never to speak of this ever again." Light Yagami whispered next to Naomi in an uncomfortably small bed.

"Agreed."

Both stared up at the ceiling trying desperately to blot out the last awkward twenty minutes of sex. Naomi was still trying to piece together what went wrong, it wasn't as if it hadn't been enjoyable it had just been… awkward…

Maybe it was the whole idea of sex with Mr. Snuggles who was far younger than she'd like to admit (in some countries her sleeping him would have only marginally escaped the category of rape) and the fact that he had no sex drive so the first five minutes were spent lying next to each other naked and thinking 'what the hell do we do now?' That might have had something to do with it, or it could be that distant that thought that somewhere up in the shinigami realm a lot of voyeurs were gambling over whether she and Light actually had sex.

Naomi wondered if she should bother getting back into her Light Yagami costume that had been abandoned on the floor, but that would mean getting up and Light Yagami checking her out; not that he hadn't seen everything in the last twenty minutes or so… But still the thought was more than a bit unnerving…

Note to self never have sex with a man who may be the devil.

"So, Light where's your clown friend?" Naomi said trying to deviate her thoughts from the fact that she and Light were both naked in the same bed and had just had furious sex and were now staring at the ceiling trying to repress the memory of having sex so things could just get back to normal again…

"Hm?" Light asked still glaring up at the ceiling, his arms were folded behind his head and despite the awkwardness he looked quite relaxed.

"Your clown-friend-thing, you know the one that stalked you a while back and then disappeared. Unless he actually is a product of my imagination…" Naomi trailed off wondering if Light would tell her the answer or would just leave her guessing.

"Naomi," Light said.

"…Yes?"

"Your distractions aren't working." Light pointed out, Naomi sighed he was right after all they were still there awkwardly in the same bed.

"I know."

"Stop trying, it's embarrassing even for you."

"Thanks."

"That wasn't a compliment."

"I know."

The pair side and tried once again to ignore the fact that they were still in the same bed after just having sex. Wonderful, what was she going to tell Raye. Well hopefully he wouldn't notice her daydreaming about Light's abs…

"I never imagined victory sex would be this… sweaty." Naomi said in order to distract herself from being distracted by Light's abs.

"Neither did I…" Light said.

The silence spread like cancer through the room and the awkward silence took an awkward pregnancy test and realized that once again she had been knocked up and was pregnant with an awkward child, possibly awkward twins, again. The awkward silence then swore repeatedly and exclaimed that she would never again get an awkward abortion because the last one had been so damn awkward. Maybe, she thought, she should stop having awkward sex and just go back to watching television on her Saturday nights…

"Naomi," Light said to the ceiling.

"Yes, Mr. Snuggles?" Naomi replied.

"We should have distraction sex."

"…"

"To distract from this moment."

"…"

Light looked over at Naomi with his gorgeous amber eyes and once again and Naomi couldn't help but wonder how he hadn't been jumped during his high school experience. After all it would be just Mr. Snuggles' luck that a rapist would happen to be walking by and catch a glimpse of his beautiful face.

"You're evil and I hate you." Naomi told Light in her frankest tone.

"Thank you, so then distraction sex."

"You do not deserve your gorgeous face."

"Perhaps not, but then it's still my face."

"Maybe you are a product of my overindulged imagination like Raye always says."

Light said nothing and simply smiled, Naomi wanted to punch him.

"Distraction sex?" Light brought up again.

"What makes you think it will be any better than victory sex was?"

"Because it's better than the situation right now."

"Really Light, is it really?"

"Yes."

"If I say no you're going to kill me aren't you?"

"Probably."

Naomi sighed once again and looked up at the ceiling for help but once again whatever deity was in control of her life it seemed contented to laugh at her misfortune.

"Alright then… Let's have distraction sex…"

At least distraction sex wasn't threatened by the possibility of the world being ruled by Beyond Birthday.

_This is the letter_

_That's replacing the letter that called you a whore_

_I don't see any changes necessary_

**Author's Note: And this is the reason I don't write fluff, because this is what I think would actually happen. Anyway thanks for reading and reviewing, it's great stuff. Keep reviewing, nice to know people actually do look at this as opposed to just putting it on the update list for funsies. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note and more importantly I don't own Light Yagami's gorgeous face**


	35. Chapter 35

"You're almost as useless as Matsuda." L informed Rem after the third day of trying to get useful information out of her and failing miserably, "Naomi-chan get over here and throw her off a building, please!"

L motioned for Naomi to come over and chuck Rem out the nearest window, Naomi wasn't entirely sure how L expected that to work since Rem had a habit of disappearing through walls and looked way bigger than Matsuda had been. Plus Naomi wasn't really in the mood to throw the incompetent off of buildings and any annoyance of L's was entertainment to her.

Throwing the incompetent off of very tall buildings for L would be like prostituting her talents, but without pay; in other words extremely dissatisfying. If she was going to throw someone off of a roof she should at least get to enjoy it.

Plus doing any favor at all for L just made her feel queasy, like she'd been whale watching for five hours with Raye and a bunch of old Japanese tourists.

"Can't busy, ask Light." Naomi motioned over to Light who was busy playing solitaire on her desktop. It was very ironic as Light was the one who had insisted they come back to work after distraction sex ceased to be distracting and he was the one who paid the least attention. The most he had done was glance at L every once and a while and ask if he was still breathing.

"No." Light said before L could work up the nerve to ask him.

"Light-kun has become increasingly rude in the past couple of days and it makes me wonder if he is up to something… Something like being Kira!"

The sad part of that statement was that L thought he was being subtle.

Light raised his eyebrows and turned towards L; he opened his mouth to speak and then shook his head and turned his attention back to the game of solitaire which he was somehow winning. This only caused Naomi to increase her suspicion that Light had power over time and space… and solitaire.

Naomi wasn't sure if Light thought it just wasn't worth it or if it was a part of his grand scheme. Maybe it was both, Naomi didn't care just as long as L didn't force her to throw Rem off of a building.

Once you got over the whole squid-woman thing Rem wasn't so bad, a little on the dull side maybe but it was nice to have another…woman thing… on the task force. She couldn't really imagine any girl bonding time with Rem but it was better than hanging out with the socially awkward duo. (Light was socially awkward because he found it amusing to be irritable and caustic, L was socially awkward because in a past life he had been a rapist and now was atoning for his sins through his panda-complexion.)

Or maybe she liked Rem because she was a distraction for L's wrath. L's rage pointed somewhere other than Naomi with Rem around, he had completely forgotten about Naomi in his exasperation of not getting a lead and his death ticking closer by the hour. Like Misa, but without the whole competition for Light's scant and often derisive attention.

Unfortunately for L it appeared he knew that his time was coming to a close because Light didn't appear to be doing anything and Kira was back in full swing. L was stupid enough to oppose Light when he was in a bad mood but smart enough to realize he was officially screwed, and not in the kinky sexual way either. Thus for the past couple days he had been desperately trying to interrogate Rem in an attempt to find out Light's master plan and stop Kira from handing him a nicely packaged heart attack.

The only problem with that plan was that it wasn't working too well. Rem for the most part seemed to be ignoring L's questions and answering them with an 'I don't know' while looking at Light as if to gauge his reaction. Light had spent his time playing poker face or pestering Naomi with his innuendos that weren't quite innuendos but altogether ignoring L.

In fact as far as Naomi could tell only Soichiro and she were paying L even the slightest bit of attention and she was only paying attention because he looked hilarious when he panicked about his inevitable demise that was about to fall on his head at any moment. She wished she had gone out and bought some popcorn.

"I suppose you can't tell me who Kira is either?" L asked the shinigami in his exasperated dead-pan.

"…No…" The Shinigami muttered all the while glancing at Light with a questioning look. Light looked about ready to face-palm.

"Right." L muttered, "Well, if anyone needs me I'll be on the roof getting pneumonia." L promptly stood up and walked up the stairs towards the roof.

"He does know it's raining buckets out there, right?" Naomi asked Light.

"Probably." Light replied.

"Shouldn't you go talk to him or something? After all you're his friend."

"Ryuzaki and I are the equivalent of Facebook friends. We pretend to like each other simply for the ability to insult them in various wall-posts and tag them in horrid pictures. So unless I can somehow obtain a terrible cell-phone photo of Ryuzaki getting drenched I have no interest in talking him out of jumping." Light returned to his solitaire game with a sigh.

Naomi didn't like L, hell she hated L. All the same she felt almost guilty about the whole thing, after all L hitting on her certainly hadn't helped his chances of living in Mr. Snuggles' eyes. L deserved to die a horrible death, but even Naomi thought he deserved not to know that it was coming. Someone should at least try to talk to him…

Besides what if he did die? What if this was when Light had chosen to strike? Naomi had been vaguely surprised to find L still alive after the whole victory sex shenanigan, she'd kind of assumed Light had put him six feet under but apparently not. The fact that L was alive meant only one thing of course, Light was planning on having Naomi bury the bastard for him.

(Unless of course Light actually did love L and had reservations about killing him but that seemed really unlikely.)

"You're going to make me go up there." Naomi stated with deathly assurance. Light looked up at her with surprised amber eyes.

"No, of course not. You hate Ryuzaki more than I do, why on earth would you go talk to him?"

"Because you're a bastard."

"…What does that have to do with getting soaked trying to talk to Ryuzaki?"

"Because if you don't talk to him that means I have to talk to him and that will just be awkward and…"

"I still don't understand why you want to do this."

"I don't want to but you're not really giving me a choice. Don't even think of saying anything!"

"Wasn't."

"You're a jerk and I hate you." Naomi then stood and left Light to his game of solitaire, he waved goodbye halfheartedly as he made his way to win another impossible card game.

She had to say if Light Yagami was God of the universe then he was doing a pretty bad job at it.

_Sometimes I wonder why I bother with you_

_But then I remember the day you threw Matsuda off of a roof  
And it all makes sense again_

**Author's Note: That's right, L's not dead yet, he just wishes he was. Anyway thanks to reviewers as well as readers you guys are awesome. Feel free to review for this chapter as well, even though nothing really happened. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note **


	36. Chapter 36

Naomi instantly regretted her decision to talk L out of suicide, not only did she instantly remember that she HATED L WITH AN INTENSE PASSION but it was also only a couple inches of rain short of a hurricane outside.

Not to mention L didn't seem to be paying attention when she tried to signal him to come talk to her inside and get far away from the edge of the roof. Which meant that Naomi would have to go get soaked if she wanted to have any results, and knowing L it wouldn't be easy and would take at least a half hour maybe more.

Naomi sighed and walked out into the deafening downpour and tapped L on the shoulder. He looked over at her briefly with eyes that reminded her of a very unhappy anorexic panda.

"Oh god, it's you." He said in his usual monotone before turning back to look out at the downpour.

"Light said he wouldn't come unless there was a possibility of him obtaining an awful photo of you. So I came instead." Naomi explained, L looked over at her with an expression that asked 'are you retarded?'

"Misora-san, why are you here?"

It appeared that unless L was actively trying to make Light jealous he reverted back to calling Naomi by her last name, that was comforting at the very least. It meant that L didn't actually care and wasn't trying to get in her pants and Light's at the same time, so the chance of distraction-sex threesome style was minimal. Unless L was really sex deprived, and there was a very high possibility of that…

"I just have this awful feeling that if you jump I'll be the one who has to clean the pavement."

"…"

"Not that we're on the best of terms or anything it's just your committing suicide would be really annoying at the moment. That means Light would become king of the task force and nothing would get done at all, and if Light's king of the task force that means I become secretary of the task force. Do you understand what this means Ryuzaki?" Naomi asked L in a panic seizing his shoulders.

"No." L replied in a deadpan. At the moment he looked as if he were seriously considering suicide if his only other option was hanging out with Naomi.

"It means the world will become a jam filled anime convention! Jam filled anime! Just think of all that sticky yaoi I'd have to put up with, that the world would have to put up with! And what about all those skanky jammy outfits, covered in jam! What about them? Do you understand me Ryuzaki, the fate of the universe is in our hands!"

For a moment she swore that she and L had a significant connection filled with mutual understanding despite their differences. Then he opened his mouth and spoke, "Are you trying to convince me that if I commit suicide Light will turn the universe into a jam anime?"

"No, a jam filled anime convention that never ends." Corrected Naomi.

"Ah."

"So you see L, that's why you can't jump off this roof no matter how much you want to."

L then gave a deep sigh and looked directly at her with an look of intense hatred, well more intense than his usual hatred of her. "Misora-san." He said in a dark monotone.

"Hm?"

Naomi couldn't say she wasn't expecting that L would try to murder her at some point during the investigation, after all there'd been those moments when Light would look in her direction instead of L's and well…

She'd actually been expecting it for a while so when he finally did snap she was somewhat prepared. Unfortunately she had left the mace at home because she had assumed that Light's scary face of doom would scare off L's attempts to murder her. Besides what kind of an idiot would try to kill one of their employees when trying to accuse one of his other employees of murder? That's just counterproductive, even if he did manage to blame it on Light, that means he lowered the average intelligence of the task force by at least eighty IQ points.

So when he did try to murder her she wasn't exactly _surprised_ she just wasn't exactly ready for it either. And she sure as hell hadn't thought that she'd be outside and drenched when it would happen or that L would try to strangle her as opposed to beating the crap out of her. She always thought he was the 'kick repeatedly in the stomach' type but strangling worked too.

"I don't understand." L said evenly as Naomi turned blue. She was a bit too out of breath to ask why and a bit too busy trying to live to care about responding.

"You are by far the dumbest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and this includes Matsuda."

Ouch.

"You're obnoxious, incompetent, whiny, irritating, idiotic, confounding, and all together the least attractive person he could have possibly met! Including Matsuda."

Naomi wondered why Matsuda kept popping up in this conversation.

"It vexes me," Naomi couldn't help if he used the word 'vexes' just to sound more sophisticated than her, "By all rights he should like me, after all I'm far more intelligent than you. We're equals and yet he always turns to you. So tell me Misora Naomi, why am I losing to you?" L's eyes made him look like a panda high on murder, and if that wasn't creepy enough he was starting to laugh like a drug addict as well.

If Naomi wasn't being strangled she would have pointed out that they were both losing to Misa because she was the one Light had chosen to room with for whatever period of time he chose. Somehow though she had the feeling that being in third place would not make L feel any better about the whole situation.

Naomi tried to swat L's hands away but for some reason the pounds of sugar he ate must have given him super-strength, that or jealous rage had increased his power level it was hard to tell.

Naomi could see her whole life flashing before her eyes. There was middle school, lovely middle school with all her creepy stalkers who somehow had wound up in the hospital. There was Raye proposing to her in a fast food restaurant while reading a newspaper. There was the LABB case and that poor little thirteen year old she had refused to kill, if only she could have his brains now. There was Mr. Snuggles staring after her as she walked away from him and back towards the NPA building. There was L glaring down at her the rain dripping from his hair.

As far as lives went it appeared that hers was filled with stalkers and rather awkward romantic experiences.

She wondered if the clowns that controlled the universe would be at the end of the tunnel with white life or if she'd just end up in the Shinigami realm or something by mistake.

"Ryuzaki, are you strangling my high maintenance whore?"

Suddenly Deus Ex Machina appeared in the form of a rather soaked Mr. Snuggles standing above her and looking grimly down at L. L's hands loosened slightly, enough for Naomi to choke on the sweet air that was allowing her to continue living and avoid the clowns.

"Light-kun?" L asked simply his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.

"You know as much as I appreciate the mud wrestling I can't help but notice how very slippery it is up here. I wouldn't be surprised if one of you accidently fell off the edge of this building to the street below to be torn up and eaten by rabid dogs." Light mused all the while tapping his foot impatiently and looking towards the edge of the roof.

"Nonsense Light-kun it is perfectly safe up here…" L trailed off and his eyes grew to the size of strawberry cheesecakes. Light glanced at L meaningfully before returning his gaze to the edge of the roof.

"It'd be such a pity if one of you were to die, not to mention as Naomi conveniently pointed out earlier, extremely messy."

"Ah." L said once again.

"I'm sure you had this lovely speech for me too, where you impersonate Judas in order to feel me up and make me feel a little guilty for an act I'm not going to commit. It'd be a shame if I never got to hear it." Light sighed, "Oh well, can't be helped I guess."

"…" L clearly was at a loss for words.

"Mr. Snuggles, you saved my life!" Naomi exclaimed, in awe at the romantic gesture Light had just made.

"Shut up, whore." Light said offhandedly to Naomi before focusing back on Naomi's would-be-murderer.

"Now I want you to sit here and think about what you've done." Light said with finality before looking over at Naomi and giving her his hand. Naomi simply blinked and looked at it.

"Naomi, it's cold and it's wet and I will not spend the rest of my life on this goddamned roof attempting to save you from your watery grave. Take the hand or I'll be forced into drastic measures."

"…Ryuzaki's kind of lying on top of me…"

Light looked down at L who was still straddling Naomi with his hands at her throat, Light sighed and promptly kicked a stunned L off of Naomi and pulled Naomi up. "Remember, it's your fault if I get pneumonia."

Naomi nodded and rubbed her neck gingerly, she was going to have some nasty bruises later. She'd have to start wearing turtle neck sweaters again or Matsuda was going to think that shinigami could sneak down and strangle people to death. Although that was a possibility…

"Thanks by the way," Naomi said as they walked down back into the building.

"For what?"

"For saving my life."

"Please Naomi, don't flatter yourself. I just didn't want to clean the blood off of the pavement."

Naomi felt her brain flat line as her fantasy of Light being an almost good person was shattered into tiny little fragments of disillusionment. It was worse than the moment when she realized that Beyond Birthday had thought that his attempt to light himself on fire was exceedingly clever.

"You unromantic bastard! Misa will regret the day she decided to move in with you!"

"Indeed, don't tell her though I want to watch her face when she figures it out for herself."

_Light vs. Fools_

_Light: 9000_

_Fools: 0 _

_(Check the stats, they're fool proof)_

**Author's Note: If this fic were a song fic then Bad Romance lyrics would be all over the place, you know it's true. In other news ridiculously long chapter in which the pedo-foot-rub scene is successfully avoided, HA HA. (And yes that note did have an OVER 9000! joke, I was running out of ideas). Anyway, thanks to readers and reviewers you guys are great even if you keep wondering why L is still living. **

**If you have complaints about the avoidence of L pretending to be Judas or you just want to review you know that the button is down at the bottom of the page. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	37. Chapter 37

L died on a Tuesday.

It was only a little bit after Light and Naomi had decided to come back downstairs and avoid getting pneumonia and become miserable. They were sitting in front of the giant computer screen both of them extremely wet and relatively unhappy (Naomi was happier than Light because she figured that being alive and soaked was far superior than being dead and soaked).

L came back down shortly after, looking pale shaken and not-dead, which was all well and good for Naomi who didn't want to clean up the pavement before the street cleaners found another jumper.

L gazed at Light, "Light-kun." He said wearily.

"Ryuzaki-san." Light replied.

"I think I'm in the middle of a mental break-down brought on by this case, please disregard any actions I make in the next twenty four hours." L stated as he stared off into space.

Naomi wasn't sure if she should appreciate the fact that L trying to kill her was a part of L's mental breakdown.

"It's understandable; I'd be having a mental breakdown if I was in your position." Light said shrugging his shoulders as he looked at the computer screen.

"I just have this terrible feeling that I'm going to be lying face down in a gutter sometime soon." L sighed looking at the computer screen as well, "Is it selfish that I want to live?"

"Yes." Naomi answered for Light, both L and Light turned to glare at her. "Well, sorry to interrupt your male-bonding moment but if L lives it means that Light probably goes to jail."

"That's ridiculous; Ryuzaki wouldn't send me to jail." Light waved off Naomi's prediction.

"Actually Light-kun, for once in her sorry existence your high-maintenance whore has a point." L didn't actually bother to look at her when he called her a high-maintenance whore but instead directed his attention at Light.

"Ryuzaki, you're being an idiot. I'm not Kira."

"Well, you see Light-kun that's the problem. Right now you're not Kira but that's a bit too snug of a definition for me, so the other day I was flipping through the Death Note and I couldn't help but notice that pesky thirteen day rule and I thought to myself 'isn't this convenient?'" L said conversationally looking up at the computer screen.

Light's face didn't visibly change but inside Naomi bet that he was raging.

"So I decided to test this thirteen day rule on a convict, see if it really works. Don't worry Naomi-chan, the convict was going to die anyway." L said at her shocked expression.

"Isn't that illegal?" She asked Light.

"Probably." L said with a slight shrug.

"So you would send me to prison based upon the fact that I _might _be Kira." Light clarified in a cold voice, "With no evidence, only a bunch of theories strung together by a man who greatly resembles a meth addict. Theories that have not even the slightest backing. Is that what you're telling me?"

L didn't nod but then he didn't exactly deny that statement either.

"It's a wonder someone hasn't decided to martyr you yet." Light muttered under his breath as he set his glare of doom upon L.

It was nice to see that things were somewhat back to normal.

"Would that someone be you Light-kun?"

"No, I don't like to get blood on my hands."

"You wouldn't have to if you were Kira."

"I'm not Kira."

Naomi was somewhat glad they were back to themselves and ignoring Naomi for the most part, sure it was demeaning but she got some small happiness knowing that in spite of L's murder attempt things could go back to normal. After all she'd been pretty close to killing L herself a couple of times…

"Wow you guys look soaked." Matsuda wandered over to the socially-inept side of the room with a smile, clearly trying to stop the fist fight between L and Light before it happened.

"We were trying to prevent L from committing suicide." Naomi informed Matsuda, Matsuda looked over to L with a worried expression.

"Naomi-chan exaggerates; I wasn't going to commit suicide."

"Then what the hell were you doing out there?" Naomi asked.

"I couldn't deal with you people anymore…" L said with a twitch of his eye.

"Yeah, see that's suicidal talk there." Naomi pointed out.

"Obviously, you incredibly dumb woman."

"If you thought I was so dumb why did you hire me for the LABB case?" Naomi asked.

"I hired you because I didn't want to deal with Beyond Birthday's adolescent meltdown and I wasn't going to insult anyone I actually desired to work with by offering them a job. So I went and hired some random woman who didn't have the ability to do her job properly and figured that it would be fine." L explained effectively summarizing Naomi's worst experience in a paragraph delivered in a dull monotone.

"You mean you knew it was Beyond Birthday the whole time?"

"I guessed at first, and then when you called me to complain about him rolling around on the floor with jam I was certain."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Naomi cried in frustration.

"If I wanted anything to do with that case I would have solved it on my own in the first place. I had better things to do."

"Well… YOU LOOK LIKE A PANDA!" Naomi pointed at L's starved features with an accusing finger.

"Is that the best you could come up with?"

Unfortunately at the moment it was the best she could come up with, she looked to Light for help but he looked more amused than insulted so she figured no help was coming from that corner. Matsuda would be more useless than her at insulting L. She was doomed.

"Yes, yes it was."

On a normal task-force day this scene would have ended with Naomi declaring that she was going to go home to Raye, at which point L would point out that her fiancé was an idiot as well and Light would grind his teeth and make a mental note to kill the oblivious FBI agent. Then she'd go home and be ignored by Raye and come back and the whole cycle would start again.

However it appeared that it wasn't a normal task-force day because at that moment Watari had chosen to delete all the data. Naomi figured that meant Watari, like L, had chosen to have a melt down and in a moment of pure frustration had said 'SCREW YOU KIRA CASE' and had deleted all the data.

This of course meant that they were back to square one as far as the case was concerned and L had to start all over again recording his suspicions about Light and Misa. It also meant L was probably going to murder Watari when he found him.

"Wow, he must be stressed." Naomi said pointing at the red computer screen of death.

"…Naomi, I think he's dead." Light said slowly looking at L's reaction.

Well there was always that possibility, but Naomi hadn't seen Light write anything down in a hidden Death Note and she was fairly certain that Light was still planning L's horrible demise. If you were going to kill Watari you had to kill L, there was no point in killing Watari without killing L. If Watari was dead it meant that L was next…

"Does he know?" Naomi asked Light as she looked over towards a shell-shocked L.

"Yes, Naomi, I think he does." Light replied coldly.

However the rest of the room seemed clueless for the first couple seconds and looked over at L when the detective began to speak.

"Watari's dead…" L said in a horrified voice looking over to Light, "He's dead…"

Yep, L knew alright.

L placed his hands on the counter and looked desperately about the room, "Quick, where's the shinigami!"

Now here's the part where L would normally have collapsed via heart attack, or at least that's what Naomi thought Light had planned but it appeared the clowns ruling over fate had a different idea in mind.

Here's what actually happened.

In an attempt to stand up quickly while crouching on a chair L fell backwards and onto the floor, but before he could hit the floor Mr. Snuggles dove to catch the detective and also crashed onto the ground. At this point Matsuda started freaking out because he assumed L was dead and panicked shouting that they were all going to die; he then fled from the room in search of the Shinigami. Mogi and Ide looked at each other then at L who was not quite moving at this point and decided that they should go and kick that shinigami's frou-frou ass. Seeing that the others had left Soichiro also left to search for the Shinigami and left L's corpse to Light's tender care.

That left Light, Naomi, and a very not-dead L in the room alone with the bright red computer screen. Neither Light nor L had moved even after realizing that L was still breathing and had been breathing the whole time and had apparently not suffered a heart attack but had merely been a clutz when trying to get out of his chair.

So there they were, Naomi looking down at Light who was holding L loosely in his arms preventing him from falling to the floor and L who hung like a limp rag and was gazing up at Light in what could only be described as blank confusion.

"…Am I dead yet?" L asked after a suitably long awkward silence.

"Apparently not." Light said with a puzzled frown as he looked down at the detective.

"Did they just leave, I could have broken my neck and they just left?" L asked Light with a wrathful expression.

"I think they thought you were dead." Naomi pointed out.

Another suitably awkward silence followed in which neither Light nor L moved, clearly it was another one of those male-bonding episodes.

"So, are we just going to wait around for you to actually have a heart attack? Because if we are I think I'm gonna get some food, do you guys want anything?" Naomi asked Light and L, Light shook his head L looked up at her with a slightly annoyed expression.

"Please get me some cheesecake Naomi-chan, I think I'll be needing it." L finally requested after being prodded by Naomi's worried foot.

"You sure you don't need anything Light?" She asked.

"…" Light replied with a dark expression that boded ill to whoever was trying to piss him off.

With that Naomi walked out of the room to find the cheesecake that was waiting in a fridge, honestly she didn't want to see whatever shenanigans L's near-death experience would get them into. If it made things any more awkward than they already were then Naomi might just die.

She began to wonder what the hell had gone wrong, according to Kira L should have been dead ages ago, plus Light had threatened to murder everyone who posed a threat to Naomi so she was kind of surprised at his not being dead. It's not that she wanted L dead, it's just… She didn't really like him.

Perhaps he didn't deserve all the griping thoughts though, after all he was a jerk but he just didn't have Mr. Snuggles' charm to go with it. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't very seductive, if you actually compared the two L and Light were about the same as far as morals were concerned.

So when Naomi arrived back with the cheesecake she was actually feeling kind of sorry for L and was somewhat glad that he was still living. Maybe things could have been different if he wasn't Naomi's employer and was just some creepy guy on the subway, maybe then they wouldn't have loathed each other but instead look at each other with wary distaste.

"I brought cheesecake! Wow are they still not back?" Naomi asked looking about the empty room.

"They're still looking." Light explained.

"Of all the policemen to be stuck with I had to get them, and you." L glared and looked at her with narrowed eyes filled with loathing.

"Hey, I brought you cheesecake." Naomi pointed out, gesturing to the cake.

"Thank you, I suppose."

"You're welcome, I guess."

L died on a Tuesday in Yagami Light's arms after falling off his chair from having a heart attack.

Or at least L's access to his bank accounts died on a Tuesday while L was busy eating cheesecake in Yagami Light's arms and the task force officially lost all funding.

_If I was emperor of the universe_

_Then I would officially decree that all Tuesdays be renamed after me_

_What do you think? _

**Author's Note: I just realized I'm going to say things that are slightly relevent in this note, that's a first. First off, last chapter I in my sleep deprivation I typed Jesus instead of Judas, normally I'd just fix this and not mention it again but it's been commented on more than once. So there, it's fixed, hooray. Second, I apologize for my abuse of L. I've officially poked too much fun at the fandom and it's time to back off, but keeping that in mind it's Naomi whose narrating and after being traumatized by the LABB she has a bad (if somewhat inaccuarte) opinion of L. She's not very kind to him, so while the metaphors don't have to be RIDICULOUSLY EXTREME as long as Naomi regards him as an unsexy version of Light she's not going to get nicer... **

**Anyway moving on, thanks for the reviews and the complaints it's good to know you guys actually do read this. Reading is fine too but I have to say the reviews are nice. More reviews/complaints would not be unwelcome, I'll try to fix the L abuse thing in the future. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	38. Chapter 38

"What do you mean you have no money?" Asked Matsuda when the group had finally reemerged to find a living (and quite angry) L.

"I mean that the money is gone, inaccessible, out of my reach." L explained while rubbing his temples.

"But… Why?" Asked Matsuda again.

"Because, it was assumed that upon my death I wouldn't be needing money." L looked like he wanted to go back up on the roof and catch pneumonia again.

"But… Why?"

"Because I didn't want to have to deal with inheritance issues so when I was fourteen and Watari asked me what I should do with all my money I said, 'I don't care'"

It had been a long afternoon, Naomi and Light were still sitting on the floor with L eating cheese cake as L attempted to explain the situation of why the Kira Case was officially flat dead broke. Unfortunately Matsuda wasn't quite grasping why there wasn't any money anymore.

Neither were the others but at least they weren't repeating themselves, they just looked at each other as if to ask if L was serious.

"But… Why?"

L looked at Naomi pleadingly, she blinked in confusion until she realized that he probably wanted her to go throw Matsuda out of the window.

"I made quite a lot of money Matsuda, having that much money sitting around isn't good for anyone. So it was decided upon my death that my money would be donated back to the orphanage in England where I grew up. Unfortunately, back then I had no idea that when I died I might still need some cash handy." L reached for a slice of cheesecake which Naomi supplied to him on a paper plate.

"But… Why?"

"Because I was fourteen and an idiot. Next question."

"Does that mean we have to move back to the hotel room scheme?" Asked Aizawa with concern.

"Try cheap motel." L said bitterly.

"Wait, you have nothing. It's all gone?" Naomi asked between bites of cake, "Like you got rid of all of it? Isn't that a little, I don't know… dumb?"

L didn't answer at first, looking at her with complete and utter distaste as she devoured her slice of cheesecake. Revenge was wonderful.

"Yes Naomi-chan, it was very dumb."

"Maybe we can sell the building off as a convention center?" Light suggested.

"It won't help. I'll be honest, from here on out the funding for the Kira case comes from the state and from your own pockets."

"Wait… if the bank thinks you're dead what about everyone else?" asked Ide thinking no doubt of trying to explain that L was not dead to Interpol and looking like a complete idiot.

"Well if you don't tell Interpol they won't know…" L trailed off his eyes furrowed as if thinking of the consequences of his bankers and whoever else thinking he was dead. Whatever the consequences they weren't looking too good by the expression on L's face.

"So do we just go on with our investigation then? Like nothing's changed?"

"Not quite." L growled under his breath.

"Let me guess, that testing of the thirteen day rule fell through without Watari." Light hypothesized with a smirk.

"…Light-kun would be correct in assuming they demanded to see Watari in person and it is much too dangerous for anyone else to impersonate him (not to mention no one would ever believe it if one you idiots tried to pull it off) thus making it impossible to test the thirteen day rule. Unless one of you brave souls would volunteer?" L asked with eyes filled with hopes.

The room was filled with a desperate silence, each task member looking to the next wondering which of them would be stupid enough to risk their lives for a rule that may or may not be true.

"Right." L sighed and then looked towards the computer screen, "Well, I suppose it's high time we started packing."

"Just to be clear though, Kira did just kill Watari." Reasoned Light with a calculating gleam in his eye.

"It's highly probable."

"Yet Kira killed Watari without killing you… That was kind of pointless."

Now Naomi finally understood why L was living, originally she had thought that somehow Light had made a mistake and that L was somehow forgotten in his whole Kira scheme or that L was a robot from the future, but now she understood. Light was trying to make L think that he wasn't Kira by purposefully not killing him, which was as Light pointed out kind of pointless.

After all if L was dead then nobody would bother to question Light anyway, the benefits of killing L far outweighed the benefits of keeping him alive but useless. Unless Light had given him some sort of disease instead and L was going to die over a couple months and thus couldn't really blame it on Kira at all…

Naomi decided to stop caring before her brain exploded.

L said nothing and simply looked at Light with eyes glazed over with annoyance, "… Light-kun, your chance of being Kira was just raised by five percent."

"Thank you." Light said.

"…Is that a compliment now?"

"Well, it means you think I'm smart enough to kill off your proxy and leave you bankrupt. I'll take that as a compliment."

L said nothing but Naomi bet if you looked hard enough you could see his eye twitch.

"That's another five percent."

_I'm getting tired of sending these goddamn letters_

**Author's Note: Point of this chapter? Not much, just explaining why L is flat-broke as was mentioned in the last chapter. Plus adding this on to the last chapter would make it ridiculously long, ack. So seperate smaller explanation chapter was born, hooray. In other news I read a poem for the anniversary of Light's death... And here I thought it was the LxLight fandom that had problems... **

**Thank you to readers and reviewers, you guys help keep the grammar (somewhat) in check and always get on my case when the plot gets derailed into limbo like it did for about twenty chapters of this ridiculously long fic. More reviews wouldn't be unappreciated.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	39. Chapter 39

Naomi quit the investigation five-weeks after L not-died. She liked to think it was a decision that had been building up for quite some time, that she had thought about it for a while and had decided to stand up for herself and 'just say no' to the drug known as Mr. Snuggles. She liked to think that.

But deep down she knew it was all because of that damn pregnancy test.

Not that the investigation itself hadn't been horrible. L had been moping around for weeks, after he realized he was flat-broke he took up a past time of staring at walls and trying to think of ways to convince his outside contacts that he was still alive.

Unfortunately the problem with Watari's whole set-up was that it assumed L was dead. So as far as Watari was concerned when he pushed that button L was as_ good _as dead. Which was true in a sense, because without Watari showing up in person no one would dare test the thirteen-day rule. So unless L convinced one of the task-members into suicide (which seemed really unlikely) he was stuck.

The problem with this was that L knew that Light was Kira and that there was nothing he could do about it.

The problem with that was that even if L did manage to prove the thirteen day rule then he would know that Light was Kira and still be able to do nothing about it.

Even if the thirteen day rule was proven only Misa would be proven to be Kira, and in the end even she could plead for insanity. Light would still be free as a bird, even if he managed to drag Light kicking and screaming to trial he'd still be fine.

Light had pointed out the crucial flaw in L's plan of 'sending Kira to his death', L had virtually no evidence. He had only a few theories strung together in a few hotel rooms filled with middle aged men, and all of them only vaguely pointed to Light being Kira. L said himself there was only a five percent chance at best, and Naomi thought those odds were a little high.

Plus when you got down to it, Light on the stand batting his eyelashes at the jury and then…L…

Naomi was fairly certain she knew which one they would believe.

That meant L was not only mopey he was also being a brat, especially to Light. He spent most of his time pretending to research for the case and then blowing up at Light because he hadn't killed him and left him bankrupt instead which was almost worse than just being dead.

On top of L being a bipolar toddler Light had decided to start up his cycle of insulting/hitting on Naomi once again. This included calling her a whore, a slut, a prostitute, and all the synonyms she could possibly think of and yet being around her and insulting Ryuzaki whenever his toddler like melt-downs were aimed at her.

L still hadn't forgiven her for somewhat beating him out for Light's heart (even though Naomi had repeated at least a thousand times that they had both lost since LIGHT HAD GONE TO LIVE WITH MISA!) and took advantage of every opportunity to insult her intelligence.

Not to mention that on top of the emotional melt-downs the task force had officially moved into 'the cheapest motel in all of Tokyo'. Naomi couldn't believe that L was quite _that _poor; after all she even thought that the red light district was maybe a bit cheaper than what she had originally been thinking.

(Although Naomi thought the blood stains on the wall were quite decorative…)

Being on the Kira case had been pretty awful, but she could've survived it.

It was only when she had decided, after about four weeks, that she might want to take a pregnancy test…

Raye told her that normal wives weren't supposed to scream like that after spending a half-hour in the bathroom sobbing in terror. For once she agreed with him.

The first minute after the test had been filled with a sort of dull horror, then rejection, then anger, and then complete and utter terror. She was fairly certain acceptance was supposed to be in there somewhere but it hadn't come around yet.

After spending an hour huddled in a corner thinking over the terrifying possibilities the future possessed she tried to think over her options.

One, abortion. There was a good chance that Light was the devil, and if he wasn't the devil he certainly was Kira and who knew if that notebook hadn't given him some sort of supernatural demon disease/power, what if it was passed onto his offspring? What if the child turned into a Mr. Snuggles? She would be doing the world a favor, by ridding the world of the Anti-Christ before he had been born Naomi might become a saint.

Two, have the baby but blame it on Raye and say that they had lots of sex and he just didn't remember because he was drunk at the time. All the while she'd spend her time praying the child was somewhat normal and didn't turn into the devil like his father.

Three, have the baby but tell Light and have him carry him off into the sunset. The only problem with this plan was that Light had no core strength or arm muscles and would most likely drop her after a few feet of heavy lifting.

That's when Naomi decided to ignore the problem and return to the task force until she could come up with a solution that wasn't accompanied by the thought of committing suicide.

Of course that just made her feel even worse because then she had to look at Mr. Snuggles and every time she did that she thought, 'Well there's the bastard who impregnated me with his bastard child.'

Then L would comment on how red her eyes were looking and asked if she had been taking drugs while at home.

That's usually when she broke down sobbing in terror.

(The older members of the task force used these moments as evidence that their working conditions clearly weren't conducive to anyone's health, and could they please move to somewhere at least somewhat respectable?)

That was a big clue in that maybe the whole investigation thing wasn't going to work out with this new… development…

After a week she decided to break the news.

"I'm leaving guys, I just came to get my things and say… Well it's been nice knowing all of you, I guess." Naomi stood awkwardly in the doorway with a box of her things, none of the men had yet to look up with her, finally Light's eyes flicked up.

"See you Monday." Light said absently.

"No, you don't understand. I'm quitting." She said.

"Naomi-chan states her desire to leave every week." L said in between bites of cheese-cake while staring absently at the various blood-stains on the wall.

"Yes, but I'm really leaving this time."

"One can hope." L said with a sigh.

"Shut up, panda." Naomi shouted at L, "Anyway, I just decided that it was time I got on with my life. Clearly the Kira case is going nowhere and I have better things to do with my time anyway."

"Such as?" L asked holding out his hand for more examples to come springing forth.

Naomi couldn't think of any besides, marrying Raye and making this bastard child somewhat less of a bastard child and she really didn't want to say that in front of L.

"Important things."

"Like?"

"Knitting… And collecting cats."

The room filled with an awkward silence that consisted of L raising his eyebrows towards Light who simply shrugged.

"…I see. Well, have fun Naomi-chan, please don't come back."

Naomi sighed and headed out the door shouting out as she left, "I won't!"

_WHO HAS KIDNAPPED YOU AND WHY WEREN'T YOU AT WORK?_

_THEY HAVE NOW INCURRED MY WRATH AND SHALL DIE A HORRIBLE GRUSOME DEATH!_

_(Speaking of horrible things what's wrong with your hormones recently?)_

**Author's Note: See? The victory sex actually did serve a purpose! And you all thought it was useless filler. In any case, thanks for the reviews this story will no doubt pick up in terrible jokes and actual plot developement now that the Yotsuba Arc has officially been banished to the ninth circle of Hell. It just sucks you in and goes nowhere... Readers and reviewers, you guys rock. More reviews would not be unappreciated, even if they a) point out my ridiculous mistakes, b) point out my grammatical ridiculous mistakes, or c) point out my lack of plot/character developement/point. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	40. Chapter 40

Convincing Raye to have sex was harder than she had thought it was going to be. Harder even then trying to get Light Yagami aroused enough to have sex in the first place, and she had thought that was a challenge. At least Light had wanted to have sex and was merely impotent, she wasn't sure if Raye was oblivious or gay.

After all even Mr. Snuggles, the king of being sexually challenged, had no problem noticing the slut-dress in action.

"I'm sorry what did you just ask me Naomi?" Asked Raye while reading his paper, "I wasn't paying attention."

"I said you need to get laid." Naomi said not choosing to add that she needed to get laid in order to make it look she hadn't cheated on Raye with a man that he thought was a figment of her imagination.

She was doing her best, she had decked out the slut outfit and everything but Raye wasn't even looking, in fact it looked like he was doing his best to ignore every attempt she made. Even the clever innuendos she had been spilling out every so often.

"Mmm, that's nice." Raye muttered as he flipped a page in his newspaper, "You want some coffee?"

"I like my coffee tall dark and handsome, like my men."

"Well if you want some it's on the counter." Raye turned the page of his newspaper looking briefly at the funnies before turning to the sports section which remained mildly more humorous.

"You know that counter is just looking so smooth and clean right now, like someone could just lie right on top of it without any clothes on." Naomi was running out of ideas, she had been blurting innuendos for a while now and after the coffee one it all went downhill…

"That's nice, say are you going to work today?"

Raye was clearly immune to blatant sexual innuendos.

"I quit, I told you, I'm being the dutiful wife."

"Good, it's time you got some sense."

Oh so he listened to that, but he never listened to her when it was the least bit important. Like having sex so that he thought that it was his child and not some random hobo's, unless she managed to convince him that she was the Virgin Mary incarnate and that her child was the son of God (which was kind of true… maybe…)

"… I'll be over on the couch pondering suicide if you need me." Naomi said with a sigh and wandered over to the couch.

"That's nice." Raye muttered in between sips of coffee.

She was almost beginning to regret abandoning Light to Ryuzaki's stalker obsession and Misa's constant whining, at least that had been somewhat entertaining instead of just disheartening.

In the distance she heard the doorbell ring; she normally would have opened the door but was too busy planning her seduction of her fiancé so Raye opened it for her. On an afterthought she probably should have opened the door, at least then she could have slammed the door in his face.

"Good-afternoon, Mr. Raye Penber." Light Yagami gave a beautiful and charming smile that would have had Misa on her knees and made his way past Raye and into the apartment.

Somewhere in the back of her mind the thought 'not good' was flashing in neon letters but she was too shell shocked by the image of a cheerful and polite Mr. Snuggles making his way towards her.

Raye attempted to talk to Light but the boy simply waved him of and instead walked over to Naomi who was now trying to desperately attempt to think of a way to seduce Raye with Light in the room without any of them dying in some terrible accident.

"You, slut," Light addressed Naomi with a glare, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I told you I quit; it's your fault if you didn't believe me." Naomi pointed out, "By the way who told you where I live?"

"That's not important, what's important is that you are in the whore-dress with him." Here Light pointed to Raye with the intent of eternal damnation in his eyes, his voice still had that cheerful tone that he used only when he was planning someone's demise.

Naomi looked down at her dress, perhaps it hadn't been the best idea, but hey nothing else had been working and Raye may have been deaf but he couldn't be blind as well. At least it had kind of gotten Raye to notice, if for a few seconds, which was better than nothing.

"Well he is my fiancé, and besides aren't you living with Misa?" Naomi prodded Light's chest in pure jealousy.

"That is irrelevant, don't get me off topic."

Raye had managed to make his way over from the door to where Naomi and Light were bickering, he looked at both of them in confusion, and then he looked back to Light as if attempting to place him.

"Do you two… Do you know each other?" Asked Raye to Light, ignoring Naomi once again.

"Is he normally this slow?" Light asked Naomi.

"Erm…" Naomi said not wanting to insult Raye when she was trying to get laid and not wanting to insult Light for fear of dying.

"I'll take that as a yes." Light said with finality.

Raye turned to Naomi, "You… know him?"

"Erm… yes?"

"What your fiancée means to say is that she knows me quite well." Here Light smiled enchantingly his face looking like the innocent schoolboy that Raye thought he had been stalking.

Goddammit, Light slipping hints about that whole distraction-sex fiasco was the last thing she needed. It'd make it that much harder to seduce Raye.

"So… you two… know each other." Raye repeated looking between them once again, his brain-cells catching up to the fact that Light Yagami had just barged into his home and called his fiancée a slut.

"…Yeah…" Naomi said.

"So, Light, what brings you here?" Raye asked Light.

"Naomi is attempting to quit her job without my permission." Light said bluntly.

"You mean I could have just asked?"

"Shut up, woman."

"Well, I'm somewhat glad that Naomi has come to her senses and decided to quit her job." Raye said with caution, watching Light's eyes narrow in rage, "After all, I'm not sure you know her well enough to know how her last big case affected her."

"You mean the LABB case?"

"Well, yes. Anyway, her quitting means we can get married and have a family and…" Raye trailed off noticing the fact that Light wasn't nodding in agreement but was in fact grinding his teeth in rage. Whether at the thought of Naomi quitting to serve tea coffee or Naomi having children with someone other than Light, Naomi couldn't tell.

"Naomi."

"Yes, Light?"

There was a pause as Light's façade of innocence was thrown out the window and onto the street with the corpse Matsuda's intelligence.

"I will not allow you to leave the Kira case in order to have two point five children and a puppy with a man whose best attempt at stalking involves reading a newspaper on a bus to a children's amusement park in a trench coat."

"…"

Well that meant seducing Raye was out of the question, if she tried to seduce Raye then Light would probably kill him and drag her kicking and screaming back into Ryuzaki's lair. That or she had to throw Light out of her house and try to make up some excuse for why he entered her house in the first place in order to seduce Raye.

"I'm sorry…" Raye asked, clearly somewhat confused by a near-stranger's disapproval of his fiancée's choice in men.

"Let's back up a minute here," Naomi said, "You're moving in with Misa and you care about my future why?"

"It's insulting and my reputation would be ruined."

"You're reputation for having a God-complex?"

"No, my reputation for associating with people who aren't idiots."

"What about Misa?"

"She's not as dumb as you think she is; she's just a whore."

"That doesn't excuse Matsuda."

"I don't associate myself with Matsuda."

"You work with him."

"Yes, but I cheered when he was thrown off of a building."

Light had a point there, but he was still ruining her seduction plan.

"Well, Light," Raye coughed clearly racking his brains to try to think of something to say, "Would you like some coffee?"

"Raye, there is no way in hell I am making Light Yagami coffee." Naomi muttered.

"I would love some coffee."

"Naomi, could you ah, please get some coffee?" Raye asked.

They both stared at her, Raye with an almost pleading expression and Light looking as smug and gorgeous as ever. She hated both of them.

She knew the moment that she left the room Light would begin to subtly destroy Raye's mind until he was left in a state similar to Matsuda. Leaving Raye would be leaving him in Light's tender care, look what it had done to L and Misa. No, leaving Raye was a very _very _bad idea.

However if she stayed it would almost ensure seduction would not happen any time soon, which meant that she'd have to make up a religion and say that it was Kira's mystical powers that got her pregnant. Well, it was somewhat true, if Kira's mystical powers included being very attractive.

There always was the abortion option too but somehow murdering Kira's love child wasn't all that appealing to her.

Maybe she could blame the whole thing on L and say that he raped her, not that it was possible since Light had been with L the whole time but hey if anyone could bend the laws of physics it'd be L or Light, one of them at any rate. Besides even if it wasn't possible Matsuda could always back her up, and besides with the whole Shinigami thing who was L to say he couldn't have been in two places at once. One place being working on the investigation, the other place being…

It was at that moment Naomi realized they were both still staring at her.

"I'll… Go get coffee now…" Naomi edged out of the room watching as Light's evil grin spread across his face as he turned his attention towards the problem of Naomi's fiancé.

Well, she couldn't say that she didn't try. It's not that she had abandoned Raye to Mr. Snuggle's mercy, more that she had left him to fend for himself because there was nothing she could do short of prostitution. Even prostitution might not work, Light would probably just take advantage of it and kill Raye anyway.

Why did he have to start visiting her now? What happened to that selfish bastard that wouldn't visit her house because it hurt his reputation to be seen with her in public?

That was it, Light left her no other options, she was going to have to throw him out the window.

She returned with the coffee as quickly as possible noticing as she did with relief that Raye was still alive and only looked relatively traumatized.

"So you see Raye it's in your best interest to abandon Naomi to the gutter where she belongs." Light finished with a look of sympathy while Raye nodded, "Oh good, she's brought the coffee."

"Light, I'm going to throw you out a window." Naomi told him with a smile.

"See, she's extremely violent and prone to make presumptuous threats she can't possibly carry out." Light reached for his coffee and took it from Naomi's stiff fingers.

"No Light, I really am going to throw you out a window."

"You can't possibly expect to live with such a violent and delusional woman, if I were you I'd throw her out the window."

Raye looked as if he wasn't quite sure whether he wanted to punch Light in the face or thank him for his gracious advice.

"…I am going to make Ryuzaki look like a Care Bear by the time I'm through with you."

"Is that even possible?"

Naomi regretted her words as she was now stuck with a vision of L the cuddly adorable Care Bear known as Pedo Bear sliding down a rainbow and handing out candy to small children.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU SELFISH BASTARD!"

"No, I think I like your house." Light said looking over to Raye with a wink, Raye responded by looking slightly confused.

"You never liked it before!"

"Yes well, that was before you quit your job and decided to seduce your own wallpaper out of sheer boredom." Light took an elegant sip of his coffee.

"Seduce my wallpaper?"

"Oh I'm sorry," here Light glanced over at Raye apologetically, "Do you actually have a name?"

"You can call me Raye." Raye answered hesitantly.

"Raye, don't answer him you'll only make it worse." Naomi told Raye sharply before redirecting her attention to the main problem.

"Now Naomi, that's no way to be addressing your wallpaper."

"He is not my wallpaper."

"Would you prefer welcome mat?"

"…No I actually like wallpaper better." Raye said hesitantly while looking back and forth between Light and Naomi.

"You aren't going to leave." Naomi stated with a growing sense of horror.

"Think of it as an extended sleepover."

"…Is there any way to get rid of you."

"You could always go whine to Ryuzaki and hope that he cares."

Light gave her a heartbreakingly cheerful and sympathetic smile and Naomi decided to put human rights aside and just get it over with and throw him out of her apartment.

Looking back it might not have been the best way to get rid of Light and probably only encouraged him but at the time it felt wonderful to throw him out of her apartment.

_I've never lost a war yet _

_As far as track records are concerned_

_You, my darling _

_are screwed_

**Author's Note: Could you have skipped this chapter? Probably, but then you would miss all the terrible over-used jokes and really that's what crack fiction is all about. Thanks to readers and reviewers sorry for not updating for a while I'll try to be better next time. Reviews would be nice, even though I'm guessing most of them will be pointing out my misused comma or the fact that after forty chapters nothing in this fic has happened besides bad puns. Keep reviewing though, I need to know if it's getting at least SLIGHTLY better. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	41. Chapter 41

According to all the romance novels Naomi had read as a fourteen year old when your loved one was in danger because of your handsome stalker you were supposed to come up with a half-assed plan of martyrdom to sacrifice your happiness and break it off with your loved one. The problem with that whole plan is that at the end the evil beautiful vampire stalker would wind up dead and you'd be back with your loved one anyway and somehow Naomi didn't think driving a stake into Light Yagami's chest was the best idea she'd ever had.

That and Naomi really didn't want to leave Raye because that meant her last tie to civilization would be severed and she'd be trapped in the world of the 'Kira case' for the rest of her life, so as much as Naomi loved being a martyr she really didn't want to spend the rest of her life with Ryuzaki and the gang. Being the only woman on the task force was sort of like being the only white kid in Fat Albert's gang, but worse.

She really needed to do something about those death threats Raye had been getting recently though.

"Hey what's this," Raye said as he sifted through the mail noticing Mr. Snuggle's red inked penmanship, "It's addressed to you."

Technically not true, it was addressed to Naomi Misora's wallpaper. Naomi reached out for it anyway wondering what Light had to say this time, especially to Raye.

Naomi would be lying if she said she wasn't expecting a giant rant about how idiotic Raye was or how slutty Naomi was and how they should break off this whole engagement fiasco before they brought shame and dishonor to both their families and had to commit seppuku. Giant rants were sort of Light's thing, like Ryuzaki's habit of looking like a pedophile, or Matsuda's habit of being an idiot.

So Naomi was more than slightly surprised when the letter only contained a single sentence, not even directed at Naomi.

"I wouldn't be drinking that coffee if I were you."

Naomi looked over to Raye who was currently reading the newspaper and drinking coffee, Naomi looked over at her own coffee mug in horror.

It took a few moments for the sentence to register and for her to run to the bathroom in order to purge the possibly poisoned coffee.

As she was standing next to the bathroom sink she pondered her options, one ditch Raye to his untimely death and run back to Mr. Snuggles, two throw out all the food in the house and move to Columbia and become a missionary, three she could take Raye to the hospital to get his stomach pumped and then move to Columbia, four she could tell Ryuzaki and hope that he'd use it as an excuse to imprison Light in order to enact his sexual fantasies so that Naomi could run away to Columbia with Raye…

Of course these were all avoiding the baby problem which she still had to deal with…

Why couldn't Light just have chosen some other woman to stalk, what about a high-school student, what was wrong with those girls? Light was probably dripping with them because he was so good-looking, she bet his phone was filled with their text messages.

That's what she'd do, she'd find some unsuspecting high-school student and have her seduce Light into a pathetic teenage relationship so that Light would stop trying to kill her fiancé that way she could concentrate on seducing Raye. The problem was she didn't know any teenage girls, much less ones that Mr. Snuggles would even glimpse at.

She could always try Misa…

"Raye," Naomi called from the bathroom.

"Are you alright?"

"Well, no but I'm going to throw out all the food in the house and then I think I'll be fine."

"…"

"Don't worry I'll buy stuff later."

"What's wrong with our food?"

"Oh and I'll be out for a bit, so… You know maybe I'll just skip the whole buying thing and we can eat out for a while."

"Is there a reason you detest the food we bought?"

Naomi decided it was best not to tell Raye that Mr. Snuggles had possibly poisoned all their food.

"…It makes me feel fat?"

"Are you bulimic now?"

"Yes?"

Well that would explain morning sickness for a while at least. Raye appeared to lose interest because he didn't say anything else which was good for Naomi and her schemes.

"… Should I be taking you to a counselor?" Raye asked through the door.

Naomi thought for a minute, well it might be good to vent to someone who listened but Naomi had this terrible feeling that if she went to a therapist it would just be Light disguised as Freud, which would probably be more life scarring than being stalked by the antichrist.

"No thanks, I'm fine." Naomi gulped still trying to get the image of pimp-Light/Freud out of her mind. That was only going to serve to give her nightmares possibly some that would explain the battle between her id and ego as the dream Light would no doubt explain.

Right, stop thinking about Light with a beard and glasses talking about how everything in her life symbolically related to sex. Think about Misa instead and making her more attractive to Light than Naomi…

That was less plausible as making L more attractive to Light than Misa.

_Tell your welcome matt I that I said he should go kill himself_

_It would make my life so much easier_

**Author's Note: And here's a chapter where absolutely nothing happened while I think of things to write about. Enjoy filler it tastes like empty words. Thanks for reading and reviewing, new reviews/complaints/anything else you want to tell me would not go unappreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	42. Chapter 42

Misa wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospect of working with Naomi but then Naomi wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospect of working with Light's Lolita bitch. She figured it was a mutual feeling of distaste.

She wasn't entirely sure why Misa let Naomi come into her apartment, she had a terrible feeling that Misa was either sizing her up or planning her murder.

The apartment had a curious Misa-tint to it that she hadn't expected, she had sort of thought that Light would be in charge of decorating but that clearly had not happened. The couch for example, while comfortable, was an offending shade of lilac. No wonder he was never home.

So there they were, Naomi sitting on the floor cross legged with all her teaching supplies and Misa reading fashion magazines while eating Poky on her lilac couch.

"Now listen Misa," Naomi said as she held up a white board on which she had written 'ways to attract and hold Light's attention' and glared at her pupil who had not been paying attention for the past half hour.

Naomi had found out in that past half hour that Misa hated Naomi more than Naomi hated Misa. Which Naomi hadn't thought possible, but it was a day for surprises, and purple couches apparently.

"Misa." Naomi said again rubbing her temples with her open hand.

"Mmmm?"

"Don't you want Light to look at you without thinking 'slut'?"

"Naomi would know all about that, wouldn't she?" Misa smiled to herself as she flipped through her magazine her legs moving back and forth in the air as she continued to ignore Naomi's life altering lesson on attracting handsome stalkers. Although Misa herself was something of a stalker, so maybe she already knew all about that…

Naomi decided to try reiterating the situation at a somewhat slower pace.

"No Misa you don't understand, we're not in competition for his affection. By all means you can have him, I'm done. He may be very pretty, and intelligent, and witty but deep down in the depths of his black soul he's a complete asshole."

This time Misa actually did look up, "Light's soul is beautiful!"

Even the purple couch was offended by this statement, Naomi swore she saw the wallpaper shudder in distaste.

"We are talking about the same Light Yagami, right?" Naomi asked hesitantly.

"Light is a wonderful, caring, beautiful person who is way too good for a slut like you!"

"…If I say yes will you listen?"

"No, because Naomi's a stupid whore who is jealous of Light's love for me." Misa pouted and went back to flipping through her magazine.

"…If I say yes will you listen and stop talking?"

"Misa knew it all along, Naomi and Ryuzaki both after Misa's precious Light!"

Naomi set her white board of advice to the side and held up her hands, "Whoa, slow down there. First off me and Ryuzaki, not the same. Let's get that straight. Second, I have never been after Light. I mean yeah I've looked once or twice, but trust me ninety nine percent of the pursuing has come from him and the one percent from me has been wary at best. No the chasing comes entirely from your precious Light and I'm sick of it. No, you can have him Misa, in fact I've decided it's best for everyone that we divert Light's attention and have him get married to you."

Misa looked warily hopeful and said in a small voice, "… You're lying, Misa knows it. Who wouldn't want Light?"

"You know that is a good question, never the less I don't want Light, in a not-sexual way. I want Light in a sexual way because I mean well come on, have you seen that face? The thing is I don't want all of Light's baggage."

Naomi watched as Misa's expression changed from disbelief to a complete lack of comprehension/brain damage. Naomi decided that it was time to move the focus away from her and back onto helping Misa seduce Light.

"So, first off Light for some reason is only attracted to himself. The closest you're going to get to keeping Light remotely interested is acting more like him, that way you'll earn his respect and in time you can earn the attention of his pitiful sex drive."

"Light's sex drive is not pitiful!" Misa cried in protest.

"Misa, Ryuzaki has made more passes at you than Light has. I think that says something."

"That's because Ryuzaki is a pervert!"

"No, that's because you dress like a whore and thereby invite Ryuzaki to be a… You know what we're getting distracted again back to the original point. We have to make you more Light-like." Naomi returned to her white board, "Perhaps we should start out with the things not to do."

"Misa thinks Naomi needs a boyfriend." Misa lifted her magazine and once again began flipping through the pages.

"Are you suggesting I continue to seduce your precious Light?" Naomi asked.

"Naomi was seducing him? Misa knew it!"

"No I wasn't, well, maybe sometimes but I am definitely not at the moment. You know what, that's really not the point. I'm going to get married, eventually, once I stop receiving death threats and the only way to do that is to get Light off of my ass and on to yours."

"How dare Naomi suggest that Light-kun is on her ass!"

"It's a figure of speech, Misa. What I mean is that we are moving Light's attention onto you, so you can deal with him leaving death threats in your mailbox, and stalking you, and calling you a slut." Naomi pointed to Misa and sighed as she prepared herself for another meltdown, perhaps she should move onto plan 'b'.

"Light loves Misa, he would insult her the way he does Naomi."

Naomi wasn't even going to touch that one.

"Okie dokie then, we'll go back to the basics. Grammar. Fix it. Soon, or he will think you are a pedophile." Naomi paused, waiting for Misa to interrupt once again but was met with a surprising silence. That was strange and somewhat eerie considering Misa had been harping at her for over a half an hour.

"Also, stop dressing like a poor prostitute who thinks she's a princess, it's disturbing. Plus I tried the whole slut thing and it doesn't really work…"

More silence.

"Don't hug him, ever, he hates hugging almost as much as he hates Ryuzaki…"

Naomi trailed off and realized that Misa had left the room.

"Goddammit!"

It was at that moment that Naomi decided to screw plan 'a' and move onto back up plan 'b'.

_I am God_

_Hear me roar_

**Author's Note: I am author, hear me roar. Anyway I was reminded in a review that I hadn't updated for a while, because I got a) Lazy b) Distracted and c) I ran out of ideas. Anyway here's crack filler random chapter for you? Reviews would be nice and are appreciated. Thanks. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	43. Chapter 43

Naomi decided that she never wanted to hear L's hysterical laughter ever again under any circumstances, even if he was dying a slow and painful death. It was a hideous noise, worse than throwing an angry cat out the window, worse than the sound of someone eating jam, it was even worse than that squawk that Matsuda sometimes made when he was incredibly confused about something.

Even Light's hysterical laughter, breathless and creepy as it was, was better and less insulting than this.

She should never have come to this goddamn cheap motel, she should never have tried to negotiate with L, she should never have ever set foot in this place again.

"Misora-san, that was very kind of you. I haven't laughed like that in a very long time." L sighed and looked over towards Light who was currently regarding Naomi with raised eyebrows.

"No Ryuzaki, I'm perfectly serious. I will give you lessons, for free, on how to seduce Light Yagami." Naomi held up her white board which now read in great dark letters, 'Seduction Lessons: From the Best'.

The other middle aged men looked briefly up from their work, as if trying to decide whether the distraction was worth it, at the sight of her and the white board however they went back to shuffling papers and staring at the clock while hoping that either Light or L was motivated enough to come up with something brilliant.

L began laughing again, he raised himself from his perch and walked over to where Light was seated, and pointed back to the white board. "Light-kun, you have to see what Misora-san wrote, you'll just die."

Mr. Snuggles looked over to L with a wary expression and then back to the white board and sighed, "I can see it from where I'm sitting."

"Isn't it hilarious? Isn't she hilarious Light-kun?"

"…Ryuzaki, don't you have any shame?" Light began to rub his temples and shake his head and L continued to laugh hysterically.

"I'm beginning to see what Light-kun sees in her." L said after stifling several giggles. Why hadn't Light killed him when he got the chance?

"Yes, exactly, then you can absorb that information and seduce him instead of me." Naomi put down her whiteboard and clapped her hands together, this was going along much faster than Misa had been, at least L was taking her somewhat seriously.

"And tell me, Ryuzaki, what exactly do you think Light-kun sees in her?" Light asked folding his arms against his chest and frowning.

Light had been somewhat surprised to see her back so soon, but before he could congratulate her on saving her fiancé's life she mentioned that she was there to give Ryuzaki seduction lessons and that had thrown Light's good mood out the window.

"Well I would have to say it's her charming stupidity, like Matsuda's but in a more tolerable form. Rather than throw her out a window your immediate reaction is to claim her as your property and insult her in public. Don't worry Soichiro this is quite a normal tendency for any normal teenage boy." L finished by shoving a banana in his mouth and chewing it thoughtfully.

Naomi couldn't help but interject, "You just think you're so goddamn intelligent."

"Why thank you Misora-san, I thought that you hadn't noticed." L said between bites of his banana, "Now, what are you really doing back here, I thought I fired you."

"I quit, and I'm back because I'm being stalked." Naomi glanced over at Light who was giving her the glare of death.

"Well what did you expect, how could Light-kun resist your peculiar charms?" L sighed dramatically and looked over towards Light, "I suppose it can't be helped, we'll have to hire you back again, you do remember where your desk is, don't you?"

"I'm not coming back to work!"

"Oh, really, my sincere apologies Misora-san. Get the hell out of my office." L pointed to the door and motioned for her to leave.

"Listen I know we're not friends, but can you at least try to listen to what I have to say? Both of us would be so much happier if Light was stalking you instead of me. Think about it, it would relieve both of your god-complexes to have someone else completely obsessed with you. It would relieve both of your sexual tension, you wouldn't have to beat the shit out of each other anymore you could just get all that desire out of your system and go for it. Think of the… relationship you could build!" Naomi threw up her hands in the air for the grand finale waiting for applause; instead she was met by a stunned silence and Light's look of horror.

"…I am stunned." L finally managed to mumble, he looked over to Light, "Did you understand any of that?"

Light appeared to be speechless with the thought of her brilliant plan.

"Well, Naomi-san, I must say that is quite the interesting proposition. I am intrigued. Tell me, what advice exactly do you have for me so that I might seduce Light-kun?" L smiled over at Light and gave a little wave.

"Don't do that." Naomi said quickly looking at the expression on Light's face.

"Do what? Be specific Naomi, I must say you're not very good at this, perhaps I really should fire you again."

"I didn't get fired I quit you asshole."

"You're insulting your pupil already?" L asked and turned to Light, "Is she like this with you too? I had no idea Light-kun enjoyed verbal abuse."

"Ryuzaki…" Light paused as if considering his words carefully, "You are damn lucky that I am not Kira because if I was your death would be unimaginably painful."

"Thank you Light-kun but that is precisely why you are Kira, because you didn't kill me when clearly provoked. Any normal person would have killed me after all that but you left me alive so that I could suffer the undying humiliation of being wrong." L paused then and amended, "But I'm not wrong and I will prove that you are Kira and you will get the death penalty."

Naomi was about to say something about how that also wasn't helping L seduce Light but Light beat her to it.

"I knew it, you bastard, I knew it! You really still think it's me don't you, how many times do I have to explain this Kira does want you dead you are his only obstacle and killing you would make his life so much more enjoyable. If you were dead then Kira could do whatever the hell he wants and no one would give a damn! Kira would love for you to be dead, he would be goddamn thrilled, but Kira can't kill you because Kira isn't here and I am not Kira!"

L appeared stunned by the sheer angst of the words that had flown out of Light's mouth, he looked as if he desired to say something but nothing was coming to mind he held up a finger and then decided not to say anything. The room was filled with silence.

Surprisingly it was Matsuda who spoke up, "Hey you guys, I have an idea." He mumbled the words with a blush but in his eyes there was a spark of thought that refused to be extinguished by L's wrathful glare.

"Please don't waste my time Matsuda-san, I was just putting Light-kun in his place." L said with a sigh.

"Of course you were, you slimy bastard." Light replied with folded arms clearly annoyed that the fates had not killed off L as conveniently as they had Watari.

"Oh no it's actually a really good idea." Matsuda said a smile growing on his face.

L looked over to Naomi expectantly, she could feel her own dead pan in response, "Ryuzaki, I only threw him off of a building once. I'm not doing it again."

Matsuda ignored her statement and began to spout his idea, "What if we made a soap opera?"

"What?" Light asked in his 'I am God and you have offended me heretic' voice.

"You know, a soap opera based off of stuff here. I mean look at the material we have. We have the pedophile with a shady past, we have the good looking guy who could possibly be a murderer but isn't really, we have the beautiful pop-star we have… Naomi… and all the rest of us too. We could just change up the names and stuff and some of the details so that it isn't the Kira case and bingo we have the best television soap opera ever created."

(L's deadpan made it clear that he knew which one Matsuda was describing as 'pedophile with the shady glance' and Soichiro's expression made it clear that he understood who that was as well. Neither of them were pleased.)

Naomi felt as if the room had imploded and that all the clown gods of the universe were each pointing fingers at her and laughing, laughing hysterically.

"Are you suggesting that we film a soap opera, based off of the shit we have to go through on a daily basis, and send it to a network?" Aizawa asked looking at his fellow middle aged men in disbelief, "What the hell made you think this was a good idea?"

"We need money, and well I've already written out the script." Matsuda's cheeks were redder than the 'data deleted' sign that had been Watari's gateway into Hell.

"You've written the script." Aizawa asked his afro clearly was not amused.

"…Yeah, I mean I just started recording conversations and I wrote the script out and I think it's pretty good."

Naomi was stunned, a soap opera, oh sweet Jesus, that was the last thing she needed because a bastard child would somehow work its way into that script along with an evil twin and the sad part about that is that if the bastard child part was true then goddammit maybe the twin part was too and she couldn't deal with two Lights or two Ls.

"I feel sick." Naomi said wondering if Matsuda was going to get them to act in it or if he was just going to send the script over to some network.

"Matsuda… I think I want to read this." L said with a blank expression on his face.

"Really?" Asked a delighted Matsuda.

"… As much as it pains me to say this, yes I do."

"Oh I'll go get it right now then, it's great, it really is and I'm sure we'll make a lot of money off of this and it will really help our investigation and everything I promise!"

And so the great age of Matsuda's soap opera began and Naomi decided that it was time to get out of dodge since L clearly wasn't interested in her advice and Light clearly was. Light however clearly was not done and looked over toward her as she tried to sneak out of the room.

It was almost romantic, the way that he was the only one who ever noticed or cared when she tried to leave and that he was the one who came pounding on her door to drag her back into his life. Almost, mostly it was just somewhat creepy and she was ready to be done with it.

"Naomi," He said using her actual name for once instead of a sexual insult.

"Yes?" She asked wincing as she inched her way over to the door.

"I talked to Misa." He smiled.

Naomi's first reaction was 'Hot damn' but then she decided that saying that aloud would only give L more ammunition to throw back in her face so she settled for a look of complete and utter terror.

"Yes, it was a very enlightening and entertaining conversation."

Naomi said nothing.

"I hope you know that this doesn't deter me in any way from killing your wall paper."

Damn.

"Why do you even care?" Naomi asked ready to pull her hair out and bash her head against a wall, "He hasn't even really done anything to you!"

"He exists, I have a problem with that."

"You are a sick bastard." Naomi said.

"I've been called it before." Light said with a slight smile.

_I've just read Matsuda's soap opera_

_It's surprisingly good_

_The only thing is…_

_He thinks I'm gay_

**Author's Note: Just a moment to recognize the fact that the soap opera plot has been done before, normally when I snatch ideas I don't bother to say anything but this time I will actually say that this has been done before. Also long time no update, nice to see you too, reviews would be nice. Filler chapter? Yes, but I think that's what the plot of a crack fic is anyway, complete and utter filler. Otherwise the pointless humor would never work its way in. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note anymore than I did yesterday. **


	44. Chapter 44

"And we have to move to Mexico because…"

Raye was continuing to not understand the Yagami Light problem. He sat there drinking his wine in a bathrobe in a purple chair looking at her with a raised eyebrow and a doubtful expression while his fingers tapped out an irritating rhythm on the armrest all the while looking at her like she was the one who had a problem.

"See wall paper, she's really not good for you. Too high maintenance, I mean moving to Mexico and she can't even tell you why? I continue to suggest you throw her out that window and never take you back"

Yagami Light sat with his legs crossed also drinking wine in the other dark chair in her living room and while he wasn't tapping out an irritating rhythm on the armrest or wearing a bath robe he didn't have to. Or at least that's how Light would have looked and what he would have said if he wasn't too busy being horrified by the new prospect of starring in a pilot episode of a soap opera that would launch both Matsuda's writing and directing career.

"Raye, you don't understand." Naomi said seating herself in the chair in which imaginary mocking Light had been sitting only moments before, "If you and I stay here terrible things will happen."

Raye again gave her the look and continued to sip his red wine, "Terrible things?"

"Unimaginable horrors of unimaginable proportions." She paused, "It will be bad. So we have to go to Mexico."

"Mexico specifically?"

"Not specifically but some place like it, some place where he will never ever bother to look." Naomi stopped to think, lately with the fact that none of her plans seemed to be working she was beginning to become extremely paranoid again. There must be a way out, something he couldn't foresee, there must be something he hadn't thought of first.

"Naomi, I love you…" Raye trailed off and then started again, "But sometimes I think you should be put into a mental hospital."

The fact that he was wearing a bathrobe as he said this only made it more ridiculous.

"Raye, I do not need to be in a mental hospital. I just need to throw Light Yagami out of my life along with his stalker tendencies and all the ridiculous crap I put up with."

Raye nodded slightly and drained his glass of wine, he then snatched the bottle from the table and poured himself some more.

"Naomi, Light Yagami is not stalking you. I met him, remember?"

Naomi felt her brain flat line for a brief moment as she tried to comprehend how Raye considered Light showing up on her doorstep, refusing to leave, and calling Raye her wallpaper made him not a stalker.

"What?" Was her final judgment of Raye's statement. She wanted to remind Raye that he barged into their house and referred to him as the wall paper but somehow the words weren't coming out of her mouth.

"He's a little odd, but he's not stalking you. Clearly you're overreacting, maybe what you need to do is go back to work and explain that you're uncomfortable with the attention he's giving you."

Again Naomi felt her brain struggling for breath as it choked on its own horrified astonishment.

"What?"

"Naomi, you can't solve your problems by running away to Mexico, you're going to have to deal with this face to face. You're going to have to talk to him."

"You have no idea how terrifying he is."

Raye smiled a bit and said, "I think I have exactly an idea how terrifying he is."

"No," Naomi said slowly suddenly wishing she was very very drunk right now, "No you do not."

She then remembered that she had been attempting to seduce Raye before Light had barged into her apartment and thrown that scheme out the window. Raye was drunk and in a bathrobe, convenient time for a reminder.

"You know what we need to do Raye?" She asked.

"Go to Mexico?"

"No, make sweet monkey love, that'll solve all our problems."

That statement combined with the fact that she was grinning like the mad scientist who had just been given placebos instead of her actual medication was enough of a reason for Raye to kick her out of the apartment and shove her on L's dingy motel doorstep just in time for Matsuda's writing jamboree.

She really wished she was in Mexico instead.

"Naomi you're back! How was the wall paper?"

Yes. She really really wished she was in Mexico, or Hell, Hell would be nice too.

"Hi Light, how's the Kira catching going?" She sighed and looked at Light who looked just a little too excited to see her. In fact he was positively beaming in a way that just wasn't Light-like, his face a cheery mask of utter happiness and satisfaction.

"Who are you and what have you done with Light Yagami?"

Light's cheery grin only grew more terrifying and he laughed heartily, "Oh silly Naomi, I'm Hikaru Imagay the suspect of the dreaded Boogey Man case in which a horrifying madman drags children into closets and tears off their faces and rapes their minds and creates mystical wounds that cause internal bleeding and then I just kill them. See I have supernatural powers just like Kira, and I'm really gay!" Light cocked his head to the side and gave another hearty laugh that should only belong to a small girl who had just been given a rainbow pony.

Naomi's only reaction to this was to repeat her question, "Light… What the hell did Ryuzaki do to you this time?"

"Besides handcuffs?" Light asked.

"…Besides handcuffs."

Light's face darkened and his eyes blazed the way they usually did when he was contemplating someone's demise. "Clearly you have not been here for a while."

"What?"

But then she knew because Matsuda turned around in his new wheeled director's chair that he had conveniently stolen from L along with his beret and was applauding and looking even more cheerful than Light had.

"Light that's brilliant! I think you're really getting in character here, it's wonderful!" Matsuda looked over to L, "What do you think Ryuzaki?"

Ryuzaki munched a chocolate bar thoughtfully and surveyed Light's scowling features, "Not bad, I think he has a lot of potential, he just really needs to make it more clear that he wants to be in a room with hot sweaty naked men."

"Was I not clear enough for you, Ryuzaki?" Light asked pleasantly with eyes that could have killed the Terminator at a distance of two hundred feet.

"Yeah, that's true, Light I'm not really getting the naked men vibe from you that is so essential for Hikaru's character. Maybe you can keep working on that and then we'll be ready for a test run on video."

"Matsuda," Light said thoughtfully, "If I ever do get the ability to tear the faces off small children by dragging them into closets then you'll be my first."

Matsuda frowned and looked over at L again before saying, "No see that's more like the real Boogey Man, you just are the suspect for the case, that won't work at all."

"Has it been like this all week?" Naomi asked Light, judging by the state of the dark circles under his eyes that was a yes. He looked like he had just spent a year in Hell and then went on a vacation to one of the inner circles.

"It almost makes me wish that I could just live with you and the wall paper instead." Light said as he looked over at the unholy collaboration of L and Matsuda. Not to mention the squalid living conditions that L had succumbed to.

It turned out, Naomi was surprised by this, that L didn't actually mind living in a motel that had the reputation of being a whore house on Saturdays. He didn't mind the mysterious blood stains, the large population of rats, the strange thumping noises from the room upstairs, or even the stray bullets that found their way through the paper thin walls every once in a while. No, it turned out that as long as L had a computer and Light to torture he was relatively happy. In fact he worked better here than he ever had before, funded by Matsuda's brilliance, and by whatever money the team members donated to the cause.

As it was they were virtually back to square one with Kira, if there ever was a square to begin with. The sorry truth of the Kira case was that there was almost no evidence, all they had was a whaky notebook and no one who would test it, and a few theories that made Light look fairly suspicious or made L look like a crack head. They had Misa, but L seemed too depressed to do anything about that since all he really wanted was Light in an electric chair. He didn't give a damn about Misa. So they were stuck in a motel room for the rest of eternity just waiting for Light to do something stupid or L to die.

Naomi could completely understand Light, but that didn't change anything, or pregnancy.

"How bad is it?" She looked over to the other team members who also looked like they wanted to shoot themselves in the stomach and slowly bleed to death as opposed to the quick shot in the head. The pain would drown out the noise at least.

"I'm Hikaru Imagay and I'm being stalked by a crack head who pretends to be a detective in his free time. My last name is a pun about my sexuality!"

Naomi nodded and turned her head to survey the elephant shaped mysterious stain that was on the ceiling. She was considering the situation. On the one hand if she brought Light back home then she could oogle, on the other hand he was stalking her and it was creepy. However if she left Light here he might get worse… God knows what Matsuda and L could do to him. On the other hand if Light lived with her then she'd have to start making excuses about her weight, possibly by eating large amounts of chocolate. If Light went insane though he might not care and decide to go with that kidnapping plan after all.

"Shouldn't you just chill with Misa instead?"

Light gave her the look.

"Right," Naomi sighed and surveyed the stain once again, "As long as you don't kill Raye I guess you could come over to my apartment…"

"That last one was pretty good… Hey your last name is a pun about your sexuality! I never realized that before, did you know that Ryuzaki?" Matsuda interrupted as he scribbled down corrections in his script.

"Never would have guessed." L smiled like a child who just got Guitar Hero for Christmas.

"You know I think we can start filming pretty soon, the scripts pretty much ready. Hell I even have a couple episodes after the pilot, this is great, Light you're so good and wonderful! It just makes me so happy!" Matsuda looked as if he was about to cry.

"Naomi, if you look to your left you'll find a window…" Light motioned his head over towards the window with the crooked blinds that looked like they were stained with something vaguely brown.

Naomi prayed desperately to a God she wasn't quite sure existed and grabbed Light by the hand, "Come on, we better get you out of here before the Leprechauns start telling you to kill things…"

_Hikaru Imagay was only a seventeen year old boy when the detective decided he was a murderer_

_Before it was all girls and exams but now it's hand cuffs and the slammer_

_Now he must desperately prove his innocence to a man with a mysterious and shadowy past_

_A man who seems to draw him closer and closer into his seductive web of seductiveness_

_All in 'The Boogey Man' _

**Author's Note: I'm really really not sure how this thing keeps on going, yet somehow it does. Thanks for reading reviews would be nice and you all are wonderful wonderful people. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	45. Chapter 45

Light clearly was getting too comfortable in her apartment, he had completely taken over her couch. What had once been a roll-out bed in a couch was now something akin to a pillow fort complete with a lap top, printer, and various notebooks open.

Naomi wasn't quite sure what to do about it since if she got rid of Light there was no doubt Matsuda would cause his stalking problem to get even worse and L would drive him to insanity. On the other hand though she wasn't quite sure she could stand being with him for several hours again.

Especially now that he was Mr. Snuggles again and not the Amnesiac Monsieur Snuggles he had been during the Yotsuba shenanigan, that just spelled out bad news in giant neon letters. It also spelled out more therapy that L would refuse to pay for. It also spelled brain for Matsuda's soap opera which she did not wish to be a part of.

Still it was better than being cast in Matsuda's soap opera, although he had assured her that she wasn't introduced until about half-way through the first season if the show ever got off the ground.

If Matsuda had cast Light as the loveable-innocent-high-school-dreamhunk-fruitcake then she was somewhat frightened of what her role would be. Although maybe before he had adopted the name Mr. Snuggles he had been the dreamhunk fruitcake that would explain the khaki pants and the hair.

"I know I said you could stay here…" Naomi paused when Light turned his head to look at her, "But don't think you should go back to Misa and appease her, or something?"

It wasn't that she liked the thought of Light left alone with Misa when she decided to play the French maid role playing game complete with the duster but she wasn't exactly sure she wanted him in her house either. Especially considering she had been spending the last week trying to get him out of her life.

"I thought you cared about my sanity."

"I care about what you would do if you lost the small shard of sanity you've managed to cling to." Naomi paused and thought before continuing, "But I also care about what Misa might do to my apartment, not to mention me, if she were to find out that you've decided to take refuge here from Ryuzaki."

"I don't think you have to worry about Misa."

"That's what you said to Higuchi before he died."

Light frowned, "I never said anything to Higuchi, I never even met him."

"If you were there you would have said it."

"Is that supposed to be a logical argument?"

"Yes."

Naomi sighed surveying the pile of work on the pillow fort, "What are you working on anyway, we both know you're Kira."

"I'm not working on anything." Light looked up from the screen with his most innocent expression and smiled.

"Then why the laptop?"

"… Porn…"

Naomi blinked. She wasn't sure what to think of that. She always knew that Light stalked her but she had never imagined him looking at porn, or for that matter what the porn entailed. She smelled bullshit.

"Let me see that." She moved around behind him and whistled, "Wow that is the most boring pornography I have ever seen. This is porn for you?"

Light appeared as if he didn't quite want to answer that question so he was much relieved when Raye walked through the door. There was a tangible awkward silence.

"Naomi," Raye smiled tentatively when he caught sight of Light Yagami on a pillow fort with a lap top and his fiancé. "Why is he here?"

"He was being sexually harassed at work."

"I thought he was stalking you." Raye pointed out with a wary glance at Light.

"I thought you said he was misunderstood."

Raye appeared a bit taken aback by that statement and waved cheerily at Light while trying to rethink his opinion on Light Yagami being a stalker. Perhaps Naomi was finally getting through to someone that Light, while handsome, was incredibly creepy and liable to kill people and apparently thought killing criminals was pornography.

Raye sighed and shook his head the way he did every time she brought up Beyond Birthday and jam, he then awkwardly tried to throw Light out of his house. "Light, not that I don't like your company…"

Light grinned which made Naomi wonder why Light hadn't made any move yet and what terrible thing he could be planning. Poor Raye, he didn't stand a chance, Naomi didn't stand a chance, and the world didn't stand a chance. Hell, Light hadn't even had to kill L, he just bankrupted him and that seemed to do the trick.

Light didn't say anything in terms of explanation, or even in words, he just smiled and looked pleasantly over at Raye with blinking doe eyes that screamed destruction and chaos. Raye looked justifiably nervous.

"…but really you can't stay here. Naomi has this problem you see…"

More innocent doe-eyed blinking ensued.

"She has this tendency to… become very paranoid when slightly threatened…"

Light grinned then and interrupted calmly, "Mr. Penber, I believe the coffee is in your kitchen would you please fetch me some."

Raye stopped rambling and looked puzzled before deciding that maybe it was best to wander off to the kitchen.

It was in that moment Naomi realized if she and Raye did not elope to Las Vegas that week Light would be stuck in their house forever and she very much doubted she would be able to pass off Light jr. destroyer of worlds as a virgin birth and she most definitely did not want Light raising a child. Or even being in her house for that matter.

It was also in that moment that Naomi realized she had no choice but to knock out Light and throw him in a dumpster and kidnap Raye to Las Vegas and get the hell out of Tokyo.

_There wasn't any milk left in the fridge this morning_

_Neither was there any aspirin_

_Neither was there any other person in the house_

_In fact I only found a note addressed to me in red ink_

**Author's Note: I am tired of following the DN plot, I will have to add more shinaningans and then get bored and exhausted enough to follow the DN plot once again. We'll see how this goes. Thanks for reading, reviews are nice, leave some please. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	46. Chapter 46

"Naomi, this is Light. I'm at your house, and no one else is here. You're out of food and Misa is currently trying to kick down the door. I don't know how she found out where you lived or the fact that I was here for that matter. If this is a rather blatant attempt to try to kill me I will be very disappointed, Matsuda could have been more subtle."

The nice woman on the voice messaging asked Naomi if she would like to delete the message, Naomi said yes and pressed button number seven.

The voice messaging woman confirmed that Light's message had been erased.

"Naomi, this is Light, again. Remember how you had a door when you left your apartment, yes well, you don't anymore. I've also invited Matsuda over for tea, he really loves what Misa's rage has done to the place and has decided to make your apartment his muse. Now he will never ever leave, I'm pondering whether I should invite Ryuzaki as well. What do you think? Call me back."

Naomi pressed the button labeled number seven.

"Naomi, Ryuzaki has been asking me what you would prefer as far as interior decorating goes. Lewd pictures of naked seven year olds or pictures of me from back when I was incarcerated. Both, yes I think both is a marvelous idea, Raye will be thrilled. I've also decided to re devote my life to acting that way when you return I'll be even more of a psychotic lunatic than I was before, doesn't that sound fun?"

Naomi pressed number seven and decided not to check her messages anymore because she really really didn't want to know what the hell Light was doing to her house.

Instead she turned to a very irritated Raye and smiled. She could only kidnap her fiancé and elope in Vegas once, she had to make the best of it.

"Raye, what do you think of Shot Gun Pete's Chapel of Love?" Naomi asked as she pointed with a hand that was becoming rapidly sunburned towards the neon blinking sign of a proud man and his shotgun along with hearts. Raye's eye twitched.

"Naomi, this goes too far, even for you."

"Nonsense this is romantic, everyone in real romances runs away to get married at a small chapel in the middle of the desert far far away from their stalkers."

Naomi tugged on his hand and dragged him inside the church praying to God that her good luck would last her at least through the ceremony and the honey moon and then she wouldn't have to worry about virgin birth anymore.

The inside of the chapel rivaled L's motel room as far as squalid rooms with mysterious stains were concerned. She hoped Raye had always wanted an elephant shaped stain near his head in his wedding photos. Her parents were going to be thrilled when they received the happy news.

"Isn't this great? It's so dingy and light deprived…" Naomi caught on to her own pun and decided not to say anything and turned to Raye with batting eyelashes, "This is the happiest day of my life."

"I think I'm still sleeping, I'm going to wake up soon and it will be five a.m. and I'll realize that all of this was an alcohol induced dream and that really I'm single and not dating a nutcase." Raye looked wistfully behind him at the exit that was now closed by two white painted doors he reached out achingly and then turned back to Naomi.

"That's what I thought, but I'm still here." Naomi said dimly.

If it had been Light he would have said touché but since it was Raye he only blinked and decided that looking miserable and defeated was the best course. Not that Naomi minded, no, marrying Light and kidnapping him to Vegas would have been just terrible. Raye was the much better option.

"Alright priest, we're ready for the wedding!" Naomi waved at the priest who waved tiredly back, possibly contemplating suicide in his lunch hour.

"Naomi…" Raye started and then decided that he really didn't want to talk to her anymore and proceeded to give her the cold shoulder throughout the entire ceremony.

Naomi always thought she'd be more excited at her wedding, that her parents would be proud, but as it turned out barely anyone was there and she hadn't had time to phone her parents. No doubt they wouldn't be too surprised when she got back to Tokyo and told them she had eloped in Vegas after being engaged for years without even giving them a phone message. Her parents had long since given up on correcting their daughter's bizarre behavior and paranoia and now just dimly accepted what they were given with a vague smile. Raye however, had yet to accept this.

The priest spoke in a bored tone looking at his watch to an empty chapel and Raye turned his head sideways and whispered to Naomi during the entire ceremony.

"Naomi, you need help." Raye said subtly as the priest raised his eyes at the fact that someone was interrupting his own impromptu wedding.

Naomi smiled sweetly and ignored him.

"You kidnapped me in order to elope in Las Vegas of all places, not even Tokyo, and you won't even tell me why. If we're going to be married today I at least want to know why I'm getting married today when a few months ago you insisted that you had to solve the Kira case before marrying me."

He was met with stony silence but he continued talking anyway.

"I don't understand, I thought I did for the longest time but I don't. You're always doing things like this and I thought I could make it better but it's only gotten worse. Now you're even using that poor boy at our house as an excuse for your paranoid fantasies and it's getting out of hand."

Naomi couldn't let that one slide however and decided to settle it now before it got any worse, "Excuse me, who just tried and failed to throw Yagami Light out of his house? That's right you, you can't admit he's not stalking me when he shows up at our apartment and refuses to leave turning our couch into a pillow fort!"

"Refused to leave! Naomi you didn't give him a chance, besides you invited him in!"

"Only because something terrible would happen if I didn't!"

Raye scoffed, "What could possibly be more terrible than this, hmmm, what could be worse!"

The priest looked somewhat confused and stopped talking but Naomi ushered him onwards with an impatient wave of her hand.

"You have no possible idea how terrible things could be, I have saved your life multiple times, and you haven't shown me the slightest bit of gratitude do you realize what could have happened if I hadn't intervened?"

"Are you accusing Light Yagami of murder? Have you really sunk so low as that!"

"News flash Raye, Light Yagami IS a murderer! It's not sinking low if it's true and everyone knows it. Besides L thinks Light is a murderer too, it's not just me!"

"You said L was a crack-head asshole who was too arrogant and rich to pay for your therapy!"

"That's also true but that doesn't make him wrong, it just makes him a crack-head asshole who is too rich and arrogant to pay for my therapy but is on occasion right! He can be right you know! Even if he is a pedophile!"

"L is not a pedophile!"

"You've never even met him, believe me if you've seen him around small children and young adults he just screams sexual predator and crack head."

"Naomi you have a tendency to be very biased when it comes to these sorts of things."

"I am not being biased this time! Believe me if you met him you would… Well you wouldn't agree with me but that's just because it's me, if Light had called him a pedophile you would agree instantly! AND THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THIS ARGUMENT!"

"What is?"

"I do." Naomi turned to the priest sweetly before turning back to Raye.

"What?"

Naomi kicked her soon to be husband in the shin and he immediately responded with a surprised, "Oh right, I do!"

The priest sighed and looked at his watch, hoping no doubt that it was his lunch break, "You may now kiss the bride."

It wasn't quite as romantic as she thought, since it appeared Naomi was the only one interested in appearances anyway. And on her cellphone she would find fourteen messages of which three were death threats, it seemed life was back to normal again.

_Naomi, this is Hikaru Imagay_

_I just wanted you to know that I've invited all my men-friends into your house_

_We are currently having an orgy_

_Wish you could be there but I'm really having much to fun destroying your furniture and destroying any sense of sanity I may have retained throughout this entire experience. _

_Go f*** yourself. _

**Author's Note: If this was a t.v. show then this would have been the season finale and there would have been far more drama and gossip, Matsuda would have thrown a wild party, Light would have made a gallant declaration of love, Misa would weep terribly, and Naomi would be forced to choose between the love of her life and the creepy love of her life. But this isn't a t.v. show and so you get the most anticlimactic wedding scene of all time, you can tell how much I care about weddings. **

**Thank you for reading and for the reviews, send more of them, they're nice. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	47. Chapter 47

Raye had not forgiven her for kidnapping him and marrying him in Vegas, Light had not forgiven her for abandoning him in her house to marry Raye in Vegas (although she wasn't entirely sure he knew she was married yet because she hadn't told him and he hadn't said anything…) and most importantly Naomi had not forgiven herself for booking a hotel room afterwards with a cranky Raye who refused to drink because he was pissed. The entire point of the whole scheme was to fake legitimate pregnancy, if Raye wasn't drunk then he would be completely put off by whatever she tried to do unless she completely humiliated herself which she did not feel like doing. At the end of the day the only thing she had managed to accomplish was legitimize her relationship with Raye, and who the hell cared about that anyway?

Raye was now exercising his ability to mimic shellshock by repeating idiotic questions it almost gave legitimacy to Light's claim that Raye was a doormat.

"I can't believe you did this, what are we going to tell your parents?" Raye had been asking this question for the past hour as he sat in his usual white bathrobe in the purple sofa facing Naomi with a dazed expression that comes after being forced through a traumatic experience. Matsuda had a similar expression when used as live bait for Higuchi via national television he also wore that expression when he discovered that at any moment a God of Death could kill him via heart attack.

"My parents will be fine." Naomi said seating herself in the purple chair across from Raye. It was weird being in a normal hotel room, like old times but without L being creepy and condescending and Matsuda being and idiot and Light being… Light. Also there was decidedly more purple in this room than in L's usual choice of headquarters, L felt he worked better in a warm colored environment or maybe he just had something against purple couches.

"Really Naomi, are you sure they will be fine?" Raye asked.

Naomi had tried to explain her relationship with her parents to Raye many times but somehow he still failed to grasp the complexities which came with having a brilliant if somewhat paranoid daughter.

Naomi's parents had accepted her fate after the cat incident when she was nine years old.

"Yes, we can send them a postcard they will completely understand. We can stop by once we're back in Japan."

Raye looked as if he wanted to point out that the Kira case was driving her insane and going back to Japan should not have been an appealing option but realized that if they stayed in Vegas then Light would most likely destroy his house (or Naomi believed he would) and then he'd have to deal with unfortunate consequences. Unfortunate consequences being Naomi's paranoid induced meltdown if they left Light alone in a house with Ryuzaki and film director Matsuda for more than a few days.

"What about my parents, what will you tell my parents?" Raye asked abruptly, he looked like he was desperately trying not to think of drinking away his troubles and be distracted by television. Which was rather sad because the entire point of this was so that Raye would drink away his troubles and Naomi could seduce him.

"I don't know what you tell your parents about me, what have you ever told them?"

Raye blinked and appeared thoughtful leading Naomi to wonder what he had told his parents, she'd only met them a few times and every time she met them they would always smile and nod approvingly only to glance at each other every couple of minutes when they thought she wasn't looking.

"Touché."

Raye sighed then and in his bathrobe he looked like a depressed old man and for some reason Naomi was stuck with the disturbing idea of what L might look like if Light denied his come ons for many years and left him alone in his single bedroom shack. She then tried not to think about what L would look like in a white bathrobe on a purple couch but was stuck with the image anyway. It was almost worse than the image pimp Mr. Snuggles and his bitches.

"If you were so against it why did you even say yes?" Naomi asked in order to distract herself from her own terrifying imagination.

Raye looked up at her and for a moment he looked just like Light did the moment he appeared at her house after she had quit the Kira case, which really frightened her. "Naomi, I love you. I love you're neurotic tendencies and your paranoia, but sometimes I think you're insane."

Naomi almost pointed out the redundancy of that statement but then decided that it wasn't worth it.

"Thank you, I think. That didn't really answer my question though."

"I often wonder why I married you as well."

"Raye, you married me today. How could you wonder about it often when it happened this morning?"

"Yes, yes I wonder about it quite a lot."

Naomi thought this might be the deepest Raye's reflection had ever gone before and she was rather impressed by it. She was also somewhat disappointed that he didn't seem to be picking up on the fact that he only married her that morning.

"Is it really that bad?" Naomi asked because clearly he had to be over exaggerating living with her wasn't that terrible, it only got really bad because Light started crashing her apartment.

"I'm going to bed." Raye then promptly abandoned his purple chair, which seemed deflated by his absence and crawled under the sheets into the bed.

That's where Naomi's night should have ended. Normally after a moment like that Naomi would stay up and ponder her situation, coming up with a way to seduce Raye successfully in the morning, and then go to sleep and dream sweet dreams of a normal life she would never know. She wasn't sure if she could imagine a normal life anymore, she felt that somewhere along the way she had lost that ability. Maybe it was Light's fault.

However that night Naomi's night didn't end because Light's clown decided to crash her apartment via floating through the wall. She had never realized before that she was absolutely terrified of clowns, or that clown's eyes when in bad lighting, glowed an ominous shade of red and that their feet floated two inches above the floor.

The clown when fully in the room lifted a hand and said in a voice that sounded as if it had gone through twenty years of smoking, "Hi there."

A normal person would have automatically assumed they were insane at this point but Naomi felt she was beyond that point in her life where she could question the surreal qualities of her life. That was probably Mr. Snuggle's fault as well.

Naomi made what she felt was an acceptable response to this situation by screaming falling out of her chair and yelling, "I have a gun and I don't care if I shoot the furniture if it kills whatever the hell you are!"

It smiled at her and came closer. Its grin was rather sharp for a clown's; his teeth appeared to be sharpened triangles rather than healthy rectangles.

"Wow, when I approached Light he did the same thing, except he didn't have a gun." The clown demon paused then and rethought his statement, "Although he did have a notebook which I guess amounts to the same thing if you think about it."

Naomi while trying to calm her heart rate at being approached by a god of death took this information in and realized that Light wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was Kira anymore if he was sending his invisible clown over for midnight chats. Speaking of which, why was the clown here and not Light? Mr. Snuggles must have been dying to come himself and torture Raye into submission.

"No offense, but why exactly are you here?" Naomi wondered if she had done something to offend the clown gods recently, she couldn't think of anything except perhaps abandoning Light to the clutches of L while she married Raye but that was completely justified.

"Oh, Light gave me apples."

"Light gave you apples."

"Yeah," The thing continued with a wave of its hand, "He gave me apples to go and threaten you and make you come back. Do you have any apples?"

Naomi tried to remember through her abject terror if she had any apples in the mini fridge, she didn't think so.

"No… So, Light sent you why?"

The clown demon laughed and Naomi realized that his laughter was the only response she was going to get but that it was sufficient enough to explain everything. That shouldn't have been possible. This clearly supported the idea that Naomi's life was a sick fantasy produced by many drugs and schizophrenia.

Naomi realized that she might as well stand up at this point since she was still sitting on the floor like an idiot.

She sort of expected the clown demon to say something else, or to ask for her soul, but it just stood there grinning as if it were expecting something from her. She was now standing across from the demon wondering if clown gods were immune to bullets while she desperately thought about the gun she wasn't sure she wanted to pull out. She looked at Raye who had peacefully managed to sleep through the whole thing, which was rather sad when she thought about it.

"So…. What now?" Naomi decided to ask after a healthy minute of silence.

"Isn't that sort of up to you?" The clown (Shinigami if she wanted to be politically correct) asked her.

"Right, erm, what would you like to do?" Naomi really hoped it didn't say, 'eat your soul' because then there would be massive amounts of trouble that Raye couldn't possibly sleep through.

"Do you have Mario Golf?"

Naomi wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that question or to any question like that posed by a hovering clown. That was like if Ryuzaki asked her where he might find a crowd of small children which he could sexually molest, except worse.

"…No…"

The thing seemed rather put out.

"Do you think you could get me some apples?"

Naomi looked at Raye who had positively passed out and then to the clown god, well if she was lucky he wouldn't notice she was gone…

"Sure… Let's go… Don't kill me."

_Misa now owns your couch_

_I have taken the television set_

_Ryuzaki now owns your wardrobe_

_I hope you're happy_

**Author's Note: Well there you have it, Ryuk is finally back. Also I haven't mentioned this yet but was reminded in a review, there is a TVTropes page for All You Need is Love, check it out it's pretty fantastic. I for one never realized I was making quite as many Freud jokes as I was. Also in other news thanks to reviewers and to readers, you guys remain awesome as always. More reviews would be nice, let's give those MelloxMatt and LxLight fics a run for their money**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Naomi Misora. **


	48. Chapter 48

"So… You like apples?" Naomi asked the clown once they got to the 7-11.

They had already tried the grocery store which had been closed as it was late. Naomi had to then explain to the clown that she really couldn't break into the grocery store even if she did happen to have a gun on her because the gun was for protection and not apples. The clown then argued with her saying that Light would have broken into the grocery store to get him his apple fix, which Naomi argued was complete bullshit and he must have thought she was an idiot if Mr. Snuggles could be threatened even by a demon clown. They had eventually compromised and decided to travel to 7-11 or McDonalds and buy an apple pie or two.

So there they were, she and the shinigami, because apparently he was a shinigami even though he looked nothing like Rem had. He also said his name was Ryuk but he didn't know why he called himself Ryuk since technically it wasn't a name since it wouldn't give him a heart attack. It was all very fascinating.

It was also fascinating to watch everyone else's reaction inside the 7-11 to the phenomenon known as the disappearing apple pies. To other people who couldn't see Ryuk, Ryuk's presence was noticed through disappearing and levitating inanimate objects, like apple pies. So far three people had asked her if she was a magician, the other seven had simply stared, crossed themselves and walked out the door. She was beginning to think that she should become a street performer with Ryuk as her apple-paid assistant. That was if she wasn't absolutely terrified of being killed.

"Yeah." Ryuk said between mouthfuls of apple pie which Naomi had been buying for the past ten minutes, she had a feeling that the god of death was going to eat his way through her debit card within an hour if she didn't put a stop to it eventually, but she enjoyed living more than she enjoyed having money so…

"Does Light normally give you this many apples?"

The clown began to laugh hysterically, "You kidding, Light's a stingy bastard! He never gives me apples, the apple stealing Nazi!"

Naomi was faintly surprised at the fact that a god of death had any idea what a Nazi was to begin with. She was however, unsurprised that Light refused to bribe a god of death and instead reduced it to begging.

Another thought occurred to Naomi, "I bet Light doesn't let you eat in public either."

The thing shook its head while reaching out for another pie. Naomi was beginning to run out, she'd have to make another trip to the register if she wanted to continue distracting it.

"Nope."

Well it wasn't like Naomi gave a damn about the world's sanity anyway; she might be able to explain it as mass hallucination. Like those giant suicide fests that happened every once in a while, maybe that was because of a shinigami as well and no one brought that theory up in the history books. The most creative anyone got was that aliens created the pyramids. Sure, because of her there'd be video evidence that there were floating spontaneously disappearing apple pies but it's not like it was really her fault or anything if the world exploded because of this.

On a second thought she decided to leave 7-11.

"I think we should go, I'll get some more pies and we'll um… Walk for a bit… Okay?" Naomi addressed the shinigami and it sulked for a moment before reluctantly seeming to agree.

As they were walking Naomi turned up the collar of her coat wondering how on earth she came to the point in her life where she was desperately trying to keep a god of death entertained, somehow she knew Beyond Birthday had something to do with it, her life was relatively normal before that point.

"So, have you been following Light a long time?" She asked the shinigami in a rather awkward attempt to make small talk.

"Is two years a lot? I guess, I mean most humans die the first few minutes, write their names down and then it's all over. You know what I mean."

Naomi handed Ryuk an apple pie and nodded her head encouragingly.

"So, why Light?"

There was a silence that was just as pregnant as she was.

"You're kidding right?"

Naomi sighed, "Yes, unfortunately, you seem to have Mr. Snuggles pegged." Of course of all the people in the world a shinigami would notice that Mr. Snuggles was the devil.

"Yeah, Light's great."

"I thought you said Light was a bastard."

"He's my bastard."

Naomi stopped walking for a moment to contemplate the horrifying idea that she had misjudged Light's relationship to his clown god and was in fact the shinigami's bitch. Somehow that idea seemed more horrifying than the prospect that Light was probably painting an upside down star on her wall in red paint. She decided not to comment.

"Right, so you disappeared a while back, is that because Light wasn't Kira at that time? And now you're back because he is?"

"Not exactly, technically I'm following Misa."

That was right, Misa would have had a clown god as well. Then why was Ryuk around before Light had brought the blonde whore to work, how had Ryuk even found Light then and who the hell was Rem supposed to be following then?

"Then why do you hang around Light if you're supposed to be following Misa?"

"Well, I used to follow Light but now I'm following Misa."

Naomi noticed that she was confused.

"So you used to follow Light, you still like Light, but now you follow Misa."

"Well it's not like I had a choice Light did this weird notebook switching thing and…"

"Wait how many notebooks are there?" Naomi asked dangerously aware that one of them was in police custody.

"There were only two at the time but then…"

"Only two, what so there's more now?"

"Yeah Rem died, now there's three."

"There are three notebooks? Goddammit Light! God this is not good, three notebooks, shit, the police only have one of them and it's only a matter of time until Matsuda the director loses it and it gets in the hands of a terrorist."

Ryuk scratched his head and Naomi gave him an apple pie, "I think it's great."

"Of course you think it's great you're a god of death, shit! I mean I knew he had to have one because Kira kept on going in spite of us having the notebook and we all knew that Misa had one that we never found so there was always two, but three. I mean it's really not any different than Light having one notebook, is it? No it isn't, no it's about the same amount of terror, unless he goes insane and decides to kill everyone."

"Why would he do that?" Ryuk asked in a curious tone.

They were outside of the hotel now and Naomi didn't want to enter the lobby screaming at an invisible god of death so she decided to stand outside and scream at him instead.

"Have you seen Matsuda and L in action? It's only a matter of time before he uses the notebooks to spread some new sickness that slowly kills off all of humanity. He needs therapy; Light needs a massive amount of therapy… Ryuk we've got to get back and get Light into therapy or else… I don't know what but it can't be good."

Ryuk looked like he wanted to say something and then started laughing madly. Somehow Naomi felt that it was a bad omen of the terrible things that had yet to come.

_I realize that this won't reach you until you return since I'm too lazy to track you down_

_Knowing you're preferences you're probably in Detroit getting raped_

_Or perhaps in Honduras getting kidnapped (I hear it's popular there)_

_In the meantime I've decided to contemplate you're murder_

_Keep that in mind_

**Author's Note: I have a feeling this is filler, but this doesn't quite have the filler feel to it and it resembles the rest of the fic so... In other news the plot is picking up and this story keeps getting more and more ridiculous. In other news readers and reviewers are great, more reviews would not go unappreciated. Also I made no 'L is a pedophile' jokes this chapter, what is this madness?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note**


	49. Chapter 49

"Oh good, Naomi, you're back. You're out of milk."

What was terrifying about that sentence uttered by none other than Mr. Snuggles, who looked just a little too casual while reading his newspaper and drinking coffee, was that everything appeared normal. Well, aside from the fact that he hadn't even bothered to wave to Raye who stood in front of Naomi with a rather irate expression on his face and a wedding ring on his finger. The apartment appeared to be normal, there was a door which Light had said there wasn't, and there was no sign of Ryuzaki anywhere. Everything, looked normal…

The other bizarre experience of the last twenty four hours had been the plane ride back to Japan with Ryuk and Raye. Raye had been ignoring her like a sulking child and apparently Ryuk could have flown back if he really wanted to but it was easier (and more entertaining) to chill on the plane. As a result Naomi had twiddled her thumbs somewhat awkwardly trying not to imagine the horrors Light may have reached in her absence and the fact that there was a Shinigami floating in the aisle capable of killing her or the pilot causing them all to plummet to their fiery death. Raye never had problems like that; he spent the entire flight sleeping and watching television. She bet he never once thought about the fact that he could be killed at any moment by a god of death who greatly resembled a clown and was in need of constant entertainment. The only thing Raye did notice was the fact that she looked like a zombie due to sleep deprivation at the end of the flight.

That, however, had very little to do with the fact that Light appeared to be perfectly sane and capable of conversation.

He looked her up and down briefly, ignoring the giggling Ryuk, before returning his attention back to his newspaper whose front headline proclaimed that the police were idiots and that L's investigation was going nowhere. They didn't know the half of it.

"What did you do?" Naomi asked in horror.

"Hmmm?" Light asked, not even bothering to look up, "Oh well I didn't have time to go to the grocery store, Kira case and all that so I left you a note on the fridge."

Naomi decided not to mention that nobody actually worked on the Kira case, even when they were pretending to before L fake died, everyone just waited for L to get some motivation and solve it for them. She instead decided to pursue the more horrifying topic of discussion, being why Light was probably in desperate need of therapy.

"No, I mean, what did you do?"

Light sighed and put down his paper, "I. Left. You. A. Note. On. The. Fridge. Read it and don't waste my time."

He then proceeded to ignore her, Ryuk, and Raye. Raye sighed and made his way past Light into the bedroom, Light's eyes following him all the while. He was probably going to try to take another nap and forget that the life he was currently living unfortunately belonged to him, Naomi wished him luck.

"So was Las Vegas fun?" Light asked once the door had been slammed shut and Raye was out of ear shot.

"Yes." Naomi said shortly ignoring Ryuk as well. If Light wasn't going to bring up the dancing clown neither was she.

"So is anyone going to talk to me today?" The clown asked. The answer was a resounding silent no.

"I see, that's a very pretty ring you have on your finger." Light's fingers began to tap on the side of his armrest, a very rapid, deadly rhythm. Naomi imagined this was how he looked when he was deliberating on having Misa kill L for him.

"… Thank you for that very blatant death threat."

"I contemplated killing you and your wallpaper." Light said casually, his eyes now locking with Ryuk, "But I realized that I don't particularly want you dead, and killing the wallpaper just isn't any fun, it would be too easy. Like killing a lemming on the edge of a cliff."

Ryuk cackled madly, Naomi then realized that Light had been making a really bad joke about dead things. Naomi was not amused.

"You know in order to kill him you'd actually have to use his name. Raye. His name is Raye. Not wallpaper." Naomi interjected but Light ignored the statement.

"The true art of suffering isn't death, death is easy, no suffering is making L bankrupt and watching him squirm."

"Is that why you didn't kill him?"

"No, Rem forgot his name and didn't bother to look in the last few seconds of her life." Light sighed and brought his hand to the bridge of his nose as if he were suffering from an immense headache. "Oh well, it's all for the best. I can always get Misa to kill L later if I have to, have him die of diabetes or something."

"What about AIDS?" Naomi asked.

"What about AIDS?" Light responded appearing somewhat puzzled.

"What if L got AIDS from raping small children? Conveniently?" Naomi added the last word as an afterthought and as a response to Light's doubting expression.

"Why do you care how L dies; besides HIV would take much too long."

"Diabetes would take longer, and I said AIDS, not HIV can't your notebook skip the whole HIV stage anyway?" Naomi walked over to the couch and sat down next to Light.

"The notebook can't break the laws of physics, so I doubt it." Light crossed his arms and breathed out thinking deeply about physics, "Although if his T-cells are already low it might be able to progress into AIDS without going to HIV…"

"You break the laws of physics all the time, you forced that bus guy to kill himself and give people heart attacks. Physics, gone."

"No, that's not breaking the laws. I can't, for example, teleport a person so that they might die halfway across the world. They need time to get there. I also can't make people think things they wouldn't have thought on their own, I can't put words into their mouths. I can't send people back in time and I can't send them forward. Physics."

"You can still kill people with an evil notebook, come on Light, that's not normally in the realm of possible." Naomi pointed out.

"There's physics and then there's physics. Magical notebooks that kill people, possible. Time machines, not possible."

"How do you know shinigami don't have time machines?"

"They don't." Light stated smiling.

"Ryuk, do gods of death have time machines?" Naomi asked the shinigami who was somewhat surprised at being addressed.

"I don't think we do…"

"Naomi, believe me, our world would be scrap metal if shinigami had access to time machines." Light explained, turning his attention to his lap top, which featured the profiles of numerous terrorists.

(Naomi imagined that Kira was the bane of terrorist's existence and that they were secretly willing to supply L with all the funds he wanted just as long as he caught the bastard, Naomi might have to bring that up as an alternate method to raise money…)

"You're Kira, I thought your philosophy is that the world is scrap metal."

Light sighed all the while continuing to look at pictures and read various articles, probably doing research, or else looking at what he called pornography.

"No, my philosophy is that the world has redeeming qualities, it isn't all scrap metal." Light shrugged his shoulders as if that should have explained everything.

"That would be a very convincing argument if you hadn't already killed hundreds of people with a magical notebook." Naomi pointed out and then motioned to the screen to see if he understood her point.

At that point Light appeared to realize that he had lost the thread of his original conversation and attempted to back track to the point where he was threatening her death and misfortune. Naomi decided to eat a cookie that had been left on the table.

"Yes, well, I've decided you'd be much more miserable if I permanently moved into your house and ensured that Raye abandoned you in a very messy divorce."

Naomi spit out her cookie. At first Naomi's immediate reaction was to say that Raye would never leave her and then she realized that he probably would if pushed too far.

"You wouldn't, what would Misa do?"

Light smiled and looked down at his fingers, "Well, Misa and I came to an agreement after I told her that the only reason I would be spending time with you is to make your life as miserable as possible. And for world peace, of course."

"World peace… Light, you can't stay in my house! What makes you think you can stay in my house?"

"Could you say no to this face?"

Naomi thought about her situation and realized that it was more the fact that she couldn't say no to Light, and live. Survival instinct above beauty. It seemed that she had only two options, one let Light live in her house and be miserable or die. She'd rather take the misery part than the dying part.

Still she couldn't leave the conversation ending like that, "Is that your argument for everything?"

"It works."

"You know, you think by this time you would have a better selling point than 'my face is so pretty you can't say no'. Besides that may solve the Misa problem but what about L, when L finds out about this what do you imagine he'll do?"

"I really don't know, or care, that's your problem."

Naomi looked over to Ryuk who was standing innocently and realized that she probably now had a shinigami infestation as well, "Dear god, don't tell me he's staying here to. How am I going to explain the apples to Raye?"

"Where else would he go?"

"Misa, why can't he stay with Misa?"

"Could you stay with Misa?"

"No, but I'm not a seven foot tall clown!"

Ryuk appeared to be puzzled at the fact that someone was actually bothering to discuss his presence. "Light, your girlfriend does know I'm not a clown, right?"

"Not his girlfriend and not the point! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" It was at times like this that Naomi wished she could be as terrifying as Light was whenever his plans seemed to go awry. Light merely raised his eyebrows in response.

"So, Naomi, you're getting milk when?"

"GAH!"

_Naomi _

_For the last time_

_You are out of milk_

_Go buy some_

**Author's Note: Well, there you have it. Naomi's back, and Ryuk now lives at her house as well. I've decided that I'm going to go along with the DN time skip, because honestly that seems a lot more entertaining than random filler that I can come up with at the moment. Whether there will be an interlude into the future next chapter or the next next chapter is being decided currently. Just thought I'd give you a heads up. So say goodbye to pregnancy angst, and say hello to Breaking Dawn pt. 1 which has two hours worth of pregnancy angst, almost like that one scene in The Fly but longer and less/more disturbing. **

**Thanks for the reviews and the reads, you guys rock, and I'm glad the jokes are still funny. Reviews are welcome. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or Naomi Misora. **


	50. Chapter 50

**Author's Note: This is for those of you who actually read author's notes. You'll notice the format for this chapter is different, I decided instead of skipping over four years and saying STUFF HAPPENED like canon I'd represent the four year gap through notes posted on Naomi's fridge. That's why it looks weird and there's no descriptions of anything. Just so you know. **

Dear Light Yagami,

Please stop leaving notes on my fridge. I can't the door handle beneath all these goddamn post-it notes. Also they're rather insulting. If you don't stop I'll have Raye beat you, he has a gun you know, and he works for the FBI that has to count for something. No, I don't know why the hell he's still in Japan. Maybe L bought him, since the rest of them died anyway I don't think the FBI knows quite what to do with him. So don't ask. Don't call me a hypocrite either, I'm only sticking this on the fridge because I know that if I don't you'll never listen to a word I say. I also thought about drugging you and throwing you out of the house but then decided that it was a terrible idea since you would probably just kill me anyway. Death is a great motivator, isn't it?

On a side note why the hell does Matsuda know where I live? Did you tell him? I don't care if he needs inspiration for Hikaru Imagay's characterization and dialogue, he is not allowed to be an idiot in my house, he should go be an idiot somewhere else. (Matsuda if you're reading this don't take it personally, I mean every word, and I own a gun as well)

Also, Misa stopped by, she wants sex and attention. Go be a good boyfriend.

Get out of my house you lazy bastard,

Naomi Misora

_Is the removal of my post-it notes your petty attempt at censorship and oppression? Also, no, I believe Ryuzaki told Matsuda where you live. Speaking of which, did you tell Misa where I live?_

Dear Mr. Snuggles,

I've noticed that you've added twice as many post-it notes as before and now I can't even get ice from the goddamn fridge. Not only are they a blinding shade of neon green but they're also utter nonsense. Most of them just say 'troll'. Clearly unemployment isn't good for you, don't you have college to attend or something? If you attended college maybe Ryuzaki wouldn't wait to ambush you in my apartment and would instead stalk you on campus like a normal person. Dear god, if I see the crack-head-pedophile here lounging on the couch with chocolate Hershey bars in tow I will blame you and make you deal with him.

Your dad called. He wants to talk to you about therapy and family relationships, or something to that effect, I wasn't paying attention. No doubt he's finally noticed your emotional problems and the fact that you're a ticking time bomb. Probably decided it was time to nip that in the bud, two years too late. Or he's concerned that you've moved in with a neurotic married woman and her husband. I prefer the first explanation.

Oh, and since you've seen Ryuzaki more than I have is it true that Matsuda's script actually managed to find itself a producer and a cast? Am I going to be watching The Boogey Man on Sakura Television? Perhaps this is a sign that shinigami do own time machines. As far as I've heard Hikaru Imagay gets possibly more flamboyant every episode and that the detective gets steadily more mysterious. Do we even know who the real Boogey Man is yet? Certainly will be interesting.

Just because I live in your house doesn't mean I am obligated to buy you food,

Naomi Misora

Post Script: How was the date with Misa?

_The wallpaper attempted to evict me this morning, it was very thoughtful of him, I was almost proud. I think we can all agree that Matsuda is certain to cast you as the Boogey Man and that shinigami do not own time machines. My dates with Misa Amane do not exist in the true reality, they are merely the product of my non-existent guilt, extended hallucinations. Stop taking down my post-it notes._

Dear squatter whose name states with the infamous letter L,

As you've no doubt noticed I have thrown out all the post-it notes and have bribed Ryuk to eat them. Screw you. Also it turns out Raye is technically still working on the Kira case with L, meaning that he's still L's bitch. Why am I telling you this since you still refer to Raye as the wallpaper when you refer to him at all? I am telling you this so that you know killing Raye will only draw L's needless attention to you, that's right, if you so much as touch Raye then L will be breathing down your neck (literally) and it will be handcuffs all over again. This time I will ensure that he rapes you. Stealing Raye's gun and turning the apartment into a torture chamber, not cool. If it happens, or something equally terrible happens, again then L and rape. The words go well together, don't they, Light?

Congratulations on attending college as well, I'm so proud you're pursuing a career beyond the murder of thousands. Makes me feel you might actually turn out to be a decent person, or not.

Misa stopped by again with the usual array of death threats. Your creativity is beginning to rub off on her though, she's getting better with the adjectives. She wants you to move out so that you can give her more attention, clearly world peace and my misery are not that high on her list of priorities. I don't understand why she doesn't realize that she and I are on the same side.

Also, there would be milk in the fridge if you didn't drink it. Logic, it's great.

Don't get kicked out of school,

Naomi Misora

_Why are you pregnant?_

Light,

When a man and a woman love each other very much a stork will come to their house and make the woman eat a baby, it comes out fully developed nine months later. Why do you think I'm pregnant?

Don't be a Matsuda,

Naomi Misora

_How could wallpaper get you pregnant?_

Dumbass who lives in my house,

The wallpaper has a name, it's Raye, and yes the pregnancy works. That or I've gained about twenty pounds only in my midsection. You decide.

Sincerely,

Naomi Misora

_I blame you entirely for the bar incident with Matsuda. _

Light,

The bar incident was not my fault, why is it my responsibility to keep tabs on how much Matsuda was drinking? Why are we even having meetings in bars anyway? What ever happened to L's usual whore house haunts? Matsuda, and what he does in his free time, is not my problem.

Please stop trying to abort me through a future horrific accident, the booby traps you've planted are pretty damn obvious. Raye actually found one of the toy race cars you left in the doorway, that's how badly you hid them. Ryuk could have done a better job, and he's a giant clown. Also, the fat jokes, completely unnecessary and immature. You can't pressure me, threaten me, torture me, or whatever else it is you plan to do to me in order to make me not pregnant. I do own a gun, you know.

Misa called, she wants another date, a double date actually with Raye and I as well. Convince her that this is a terrible idea and just take her out to cheap Chinese food, please. If not for me then do it for Ryuk. I don't know how this situation relates to him, but somehow, someway it does. The likelihood of Ryuzaki crashing a double date is far higher than if just you and Misa went out.

From,

Naomi Misora

_Since when did you become pro-Misa? Also, yes Matsuda is entirely your fault. It's not my responsibility to keep Misa or L entertained. If you have a problem with their pestering you go take care of it. _

Mr. Snuggles,

How in god's name did you become so popular? You have your own television show now, well two if we count Matsuda's. Have you seen Demegawa prancing around the stage with a choir? Truly life scarring. Clearly this is a sign that maybe you've gone too far this time, can we please tone down the religious fervor before I have to watch another moment of 'Domine Kira'?

Also going to the hospital soon, don't visit and don't bring L. Milk is in the fridge, apples are in there too. Feed Ryuk a slice every three hours and give him lots of fluids. Try not to go insane and humor Misa.

Go get yourself a hobby,

Naomi Misora

_Did you really just name your firstborn son Duck Sherlock Penber? You do realize that once he grows to an age where he understands words he will murder you. That's worse than Moon Night God. If there is a god in heaven, doubtful, he will surely rain judgment down upon you for the travesty of your sin. _

Light Yagami (Moon Night God),

Screw you. I just got back from the hospital and what do I find, there are no apples in the fridge and post-it notes are everywhere. You do realize that bribing Ryuk is for your benefit and well-being as well? If Ryuk gets bored and goes into withdrawl who do you think he's going to kill? I may call him a giant clown but I do realize that he can kill me simply by scribbling a few characters in a black little notebook. Did you forget that there's only the bored whim of a mad god keeping you from the fine line of being alive and being dead?

Also, why the notes? Why the notes? What could you possibly say to me in the few hours you had been home instead of pestering me at my bedside? Didn't I tell you not to come, because it would be incredibly boring, and bloody, and you'd have to be in the same room as Raye (whom I know you love so much) for several hours? You came anyway, because you're the fantastic Mr. Snuggles and you can't help but make my life miserable. You came and ridiculed the hospital staff, invited the entire task force, and made Raye feel insignificant. You are a bastard, why do you live in my apartment you homeless piece of crap?

You know why Duck's name is Duck,

Naomi Misora

_Your child looks ridiculous, has a ridiculous name, and is the epitome of uselessness. Why is he in my house?_

Dearest Mr. Snuggles,

Matsuda wants advice on the script and Aizawa has gotten rid of the afro. I say we ditch Matsuda and throw a party for Aizawa's discovery that he was not born in Harlem and is in fact Japanese born and raised. I'm sure he will appreciate the gesture.

On another note, is the Kira case going less places than it was a few years ago? If I didn't know any better I'd say you were in charge and purposely ensuring we never got anywhere investigating, instead L's in charge and no longer cares about anything. Speaking of which has he kidnapped you yet? I know he was planning something along those lines a few weeks back…

Good luck,

Naomi Misora

_Dear god, I'll be thinking about that all week now. Thank you so much._

Light,

We both know that L has some pride, he wouldn't sink that low unless he had a blatant excuse such as your being the main Kira suspect.

Calm down,

Naomi Misora

_I had forgotten how much weight I lost while in the headquarters building. Why did you remind me of the drugged éclairs? _

Light,

Have you seen Demegawa? This goes too far, please do something. He's going to traumatize my child.

Do something, drastic if necessary,

Naomi Misora

_Good propaganda, makes L look ridiculous, why should I do anything?_

Mr. Snuggles,

You really want to be represented by a choir and Demegawa prancing around praising Jesus, wait I mean Kira? Why not hire Misa to do a strip tease/pole dance for Kira? Just as effective.

Show some pride,

Naomi Misora

_Naomi, I feel like udon tonight. If we go to dinner do you have to bring the wallpaper and the curtain? _

Light,

Don't refer to my son as a curtain. His name is Duck.

Thank you,

Naomi Misora

_His name is irrelevant. I simply want to go out to dinner without Misa, the wallpaper, and the curtain for one night. _

Squatter who refuses to pay rent,

Do you have any idea what happened to the mayonnaise? There was no apple nearby and Ryuk isn't that desperate.

Also L thinks he might have a lead on the Kira case, he left a rather lengthy recording on voice messaging. Considering it's been about three years now I'm rather shocked, besides we all know it's you. Did you do something incredibly stupid, does this mean you're going to prison? I hope they have therapy there, since you refuse to go now.

Stop traumatizing my son,

Naomi Misora

_The curtain is evil. How has the wallpaper remained oblivious to this fact?_

Light,

Duck is just… misunderstood…

Try to understand,

Naomi Misora

_Your child is the devil._

Light,

I can't help but notice that some people call you pot, Duck's nickname is kettle, have you noticed you're both black?

That's very rich coming from you,

Naomi Misora

_Duck Sherlock Misora makes me look like Saint Nicholas passing out candy to innocent children whilst riding a unicorn that has rainbows streaming behind it. The unicorn is also pink and its name is Licorice, it eats sunshine and happiness. _

Light,

He's four.

Come on,

Naomi Misora

_I'm perfectly serious. Did you notice the traumatized playmates that he leaves behind, shell shocked, like rape victims? Duck is a heartless, evil, bastard. Four or not. _

Mr. Snuggles,

Misa is waiting anxiously for you to announce an engagement. Just thought I'd let you know.

God speed,

Naomi Misora

_Naomi, we're out of milk again. Please go get some. _

Light,

What is it with you and milk? Also, how could you say no to Misa like that, in a food court for god's sake. You have no shame. Whatever happened to those social skills you were once so proud of? You can't say not to someone like that, she'll kill you.

You better say yes next time,

Naomi Misora

Naomi sighed when she surveyed the mass of post-it notes on the fridge. She really despised Light sometimes, this was getting ridiculous. It had been ridiculous for four years, going on five, and it was ridiculous that Light was somehow still living at her house. That was a problem that she'd deal with in the morning, when she wasn't terrified of being killed by a giant clown for forgetting apples. Perhaps she'd ask Duck to look into it; he seemed to be good at that sort of thing.

**Author's Note: Yes, well. NOW MORE THINGS CAN HAPPEN HOORAY! I like how I reach the four year gap in fifty chapter rather than the one-shot length I expected it to be. Surprise surprise. Thanks readers and reviewers it's incredble that you actually enjoy/read a fic that is fifty chapters long and is absolute crack. Reviews would be appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the infamous LABB murder case. **


	51. Chapter 51

Naomi wasn't quite sure what to think of her son. On a first impression, when he didn't say anything, Duck could be almost adorable. Almost because while he had large blinking gray eyes and dark hair that curled and framed his face he tended to look at people (adults especially) with an expression of both exasperation and distaste. The moment Duck opened his mouth this illusion would be shattered into tiny fragments. The moment a conversation with Duck lasted more than five solid minutes Naomi usually ended up having to search for therapists for the poor individual. So far she and a good number of Tokyo's therapists were on first name basis, one of them even showed her the file they kept of Duck's various victims. They offered her coffee when she visited, they said they didn't mind so long as she kept them in business. As far as they were concerned it was a win win situation.

Most four year olds, she reflected, hardly talked at the age of four. She had no idea what the hell went wrong in Duck's developmental process but it must have been horrific because he sounded like Light if Light had been treated like an idiot for several years and in every conversation. God must not have been paying attention when he pushed the angry red button that said "DANGER: EXTREME INTELLIGENCE". Perhaps it was the fact that Mr. Snuggles lived in her house, like second hand smoking the genius just came off in waves (but that didn't explain Matsuda…)

Naomi liked to believe that there was something wrong with Light genetically and that the notebook really had done something to him and she had therefore given birth to a child that was part man part notebook part death. It was the only possible explanation other than what the hell. Her parents blandly acknowledged Duck's intelligence, only nodding their heads in disappointment whenever he said anything and perhaps thinking that Naomi wasn't quite as bad as they had once thought.

Raye's parents weren't sure what to think and generally ignored everything Duck said. They just said he was adorable and gave him coloring books. They did this even after Duck had explained to them that there was really no need since the likelihood that Raye was his actual father was more miniscule than L's fan base in the police force. The joke was lost on them. They continually found Duck to be just darling and sent him many birthday gifts that ended their short lives in the trash.

She found him on the couch sitting next to a bowl of fritos watching television with mild interest.

"Matsuda's show is on." Duck explained, "You'd think from watching this show that Light Yagami was comprised of rainbows and unicorns and adorable fluffy rabbits. Look at him prance."

Hikaru was indeed prancing across the set. Matsuda had increased the romance between Hikaru and the detective whose name was Y in the recent season although Hikaru constantly obsessed over proving his innocence (it was like the Yotsuba incident if one had assumed that Light and L were gay for each other and that all their hatred was simply sexual tension and misunderstanding).

Naomi sighed, "Is Light gone?"

"Yes, Kira has left the building, no doubt brainwashing another poor defenseless woman into his crusade." Duck whistled, "Did you see that expression on Y's face, I do believe he means to confess his love this episode, although it will be a few episodes early…"

Naomi sat down next to the small dark haired child and surveyed the television, "Light's not Kira, he's on the task force remember?"

"Oh please, mother. You and I both know better. The writing callous on his right hand is particularly pronounced despite the fact that he uses a laptop in both his investigations and his notes. In his wallet he carries several blank index cards that have nothing written upon them, similar blank pieces of paper are sown into his clothing and kept on his person at all times. In order to kill Kira needs to have seen both the face and the name of a person, the name would lead one to believe that writing may be important to Kira's powers. Four years ago the police stopped almost all productivity in searching for Kira, as if they had found Kira but for whatever reason were unable to kill him yet the task force also upped security in the various hotels they were staying at during this time, as if they had a material object which they wished to protect, yet I know that Light has a certain item in his room that he has taken great care to protect. This item must be small and unnoticeable in normal circumstances or else Raye would have noticed it and would attempt to remove it at the risk of Kira's wrath. Not to mention that Light was everywhere he needed to be in order to be Kira, no one else fits this criteria. Light Yagami must be Kira." Duck fell silent.

"So, it isn't the fact that every time Light says something it screams 'serial killer'?"

"No." Duck tilted his head and reevaluated his statement, "Although, Y just introduced that the Boogey Man kills via magical ring implying that in the original case it was a material object, such as a notebook, that is responsible for the deaths and not Kira's thoughts themselves."

"Maybe Matsuda just likes magical items." Naomi suggested.

"Matsuda isn't that original."

"Maybe Matsuda saw Lord of the Rings."

"Matsuda doesn't have that much taste in literature or in films."

The fact that Duck was wearing an orange sweater, thick wool socks, and a purple scarf only made him appear more childish and ridiculous although Naomi was fairly certain that this was Duck's point. Duck was all for the child suffrage movement and in order to protest his position in the world had taken to wearing the most ridiculous outfits he could find. He however, had yet to meet other children so he probably had no idea that most children weren't really very capable of voting responsibly. Duck had yet to realize the sad fact that he was the exception, not the rule.

"You've decided to force me into the education system, haven't you?" Duck asked between bites of fritos. "I saw the writing supplies in the closet, not to mention Raye seems to be acting more excited and fatherly than usual."

"Yes, well the government is very touchy about that kind of thing."

"Homeschool."

"Kira investigation."

"Just take me with you and I'll put a red neon sign above his head proclaiming the whereabouts of Kira. Problem solved. Homeschool."

"If I leave you at home Raye will insist you make friends with other children in some other, possibly worse way."

"And you won't?"

"I've given up hope on your ability to make friends."

"Very thoughtful of you, mother."

Duck sighed, "Tell Light when he gets home to try not to be so terribly obvious with his vocation, one day I may just decide to turn him in."

Naomi wasn't actually sure what Duck knew about her relationship with Light and what he chose to ignore. Light and Duck did not get along in the slightest, in spite of Duck being Mr. Snuggles incarnate, and generally they tried to stay out of each other's way. Duck tolerated Light almost as much as he tolerated Raye and made a policy of giving vague hints of displeasure and threats of eviction. Light referred to Duck as an article of furniture and as a pompous brat. Duck acknowledging the fact that Light and Naomi were friends might account for the reason why he had not gone through with his threats. He also could be somewhat lazy and preoccupied by whatever it was he did in his free time.

"Oh, L called." Duck stated blandly between mouthfuls of fritos, "He wants you to come to headquarters, he says it's important."

On the television Hikaru stared longingly after Y and Naomi considered it to be an ill omen of things to come.

"We're technically not supposed to call him that." Naomi said in order to distract herself from the horrible possibility that today might be the day that L proposed his love to an unwilling and rather unamused Light Yagami.

"I'm four and I don't work for him, I can call uncle pedophilia whatever I please."

Duck didn't even bother to look up when he said 'uncle pedophilia', she wasn't even sure he had met Ryuzaki. Clearly she had complained far too much about L at home to be good for anyone. Maybe she could blame Matsuda's show, after all Y's eyes did seem very brooding when they regarded Hikaru's slim backside.

"Touché. Is it important?"

"Possibly, but not very likely. This episode of the Boogey Man is bound to hold more significance to the Kira case than whatever proclamation L has to say."

Also true. Matsuda had been giving rather large hints via television programming as of late, which probably accounted for the huge ratings. The soap opera itself wasn't great, or it could be that Naomi was biased since her character was clearly the neurotic villain of the piece. Light had been right, not only did Inamo (Naomi had been rather disappointed in Matsuda's lack of creativity on that dud) own three cats but she also owned a magic ring and was using it to both frame and seduce poor homosexual Hikaru Imagay. Matsuda, it seemed, clearly did not have a good understanding of the relationship between her and Yagami Light.

Naomi debated her options, she could watch soap operas with Duck, get apples for Ryuk, or go and hear whatever it is L had to say. If she avoided L she'd have to deal with Matsuda at her doorstep asking her why she no longer cared about the Kira case but if she went she'd have to deal with L and Light at the same time which seemed a bit beyond her at the moment.

"If Matsuda comes to our door because you don't show up I will castrate him."

"Duck… You're technically not supposed to know that word or what it means. Can't you say kill instead?"

"Too messy, also too quick, I want Matsuda to know that I abhor his very existence and consider him a waste of precious finite space in the universe. If I were to simply kill Matsuda then he would have no appreciation for my dislike of his very essence." Duck motioned towards the television set where Inamo was batting her eyelashes at a rather dazed and confused Hikaru. "I have him to thank for this blatant propaganda."

Naomi hadn't really thought about it as propaganda before but it was very police biased…

"You and Raye will be fine?"

Raye as it was mostly avoided Duck except for the few moments Naomi left them alone together where he tried to train Duck to become the perfect son. He even called him son, possibly because he hated the name Duck. Raye was sure to jump on the opportunity and teach Duck the ways of being a man.

"Me and the wallpaper are sure to have barrels of fun. Good quality time with pap, can't wait." Duck paused, "As long as Ted Bundy and Matsuda don't show up as well I'm sure I can handle a couple hours of father-son bonding hell."

"Light isn't quite that bad…"

Naomi trailed off wondering if Duck was hinting at something and if Light truly had gotten far worse and she hadn't realized it yet… She better go and check on him…

"Whatever. Go before the idiot screen director shows up."

Naomi wondered in the back of her mind if leaving Duck alone with Raye in the house while watching Matsuda's soap opera was a good idea. She worried about that all the way to L's shanty headquarters she also wondered if L even had anything legitimate to say. Surprisingly he did.

_The curtain has been stealing my post-it notes_

_I do not approve_

**Author's Note: I promise that Duck will not turn into a Mary Sue, if he does feel free to flame this story and burn it into very small pieces of horribleness. I hate OCs as well, they mostly turn out overdone and crispy and altogether too perfect to be normal... In other news reviews are great thanks for reading on with the show and more reviews are always appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	52. Chapter 52

"Well, now that everyone is here I have something unfortunate to tell you." L sighed and for a moment Naomi could swear that he looked vaguely disappointed.

Naomi had arrived late to L's squalid apartment. Eventually he had been convinced into getting an apartment using profits from Matsuda's hit television show. Why he didn't try to get a better permanent headquarters was beyond anyone. She was fairly certain the man next store was a heroin dealer, his name was Takeshi and he actually seemed rather nice if somewhat dirty and sleazy. Naomi figured L was still holding a grudge against Light for closing his bank account and giving the money to poor orphans and that L secretly always wanted to be a crack dealer.

Matsuda fortunately had arrived later than Naomi and thus had distracted L's wrath for a few precious moments.

Matsuda spent most of his time now writing for the soap opera and meeting with the various actors and producers. After years of being incompetent Matsuda had finally found his talent and his people, as a result he mostly bummed around Tokyo's film circle with Misa Misa as Matsui the star director and screen writer. The task force still generally considered him incompetent and useless and the group wasn't surprised when he showed up later than Naomi.

Matsuda had also taken to carrying around a yellow notebook for inspiration and writing down as well as recording conversations at the task force. At the moment he was poised, pen in hand, listening to L's every word.

"Let me guess, you got yourself a restraining order and now we have to move out of the apartment." Aizawa said, Aizawa had become quite the critic in the recent months as he slowly but surely began to realize that they were never going to solve the Kira case. He also was beginning to realize that without his afro he looked much less ridiculous and had to act normally when in the Kira case, and any normal person would want to bash L's head into a wall at any given moment.

"No." L said and sighed once again, staring at the ceiling fan for inspiration. "No, I'm afraid it's much worse than a restraining order."

The slight pause after those words was enough for the task force to imagine the rape of several children and their dead bodies uncovered from the sandbox.

"We found another Kira?" Naomi questioned, hoping that it wasn't anything having to do with L personally. L or small children.

"No. Unfortunately, it still seems as if Light-kun and Misa are going strong."

Light who had been drinking coffee and looking altogether bored out of his mind looked up at that and raised an objection, "Ryuzaki, you decided four years ago that you had no substantial evidence that could ever possibly hold up in a court in order to convict either I or Misa. I wasn't Kira then, I most certainly am not Kira now."

L didn't even bother to look down from the ceiling; he merely moved his hand slightly as if to brush off Light's comment. "Yes, yes, but you're identity as Kira isn't important right now."

"I'm not Kira."

"Of course not, Light-kun."

"If I was Kira, which I keep reminding you, then you would most certainly be dead."

"No, not necessarily. Light-kun still doesn't know my name."

"I don't need a name to kill you."

"Really? I truly doubt Light-kun is capable of killing with his own hands."

"Don't make this a challenge, Ryuzaki."

"Why not? I have nothing to live for anyway."

"There are easier ways to commit suicide."

"Yes, but this is more fun."

"No, it's not, because it's not going to work because I am not Kira!"

This argument, sadly, was one of the more exciting things to happen to the task force in the last four years.

Light had really become unmotivated in the last couple years, it must have come with the boredom of not having to worry about L sentencing him to death or raping him inside a closet at every moment. Although, L still technically could rape Light in a closet, Naomi just hadn't thought to remind him. Light had mostly taken to showing up at the task force meetings, flipping through papers and sighing, and then leaving for udon with Naomi and the unseen Ryuk before heading off to Naomi's apartment to watch Matsuda's soap opera which Light found far more entertaining than L. On his off days Light humored Misa and doodled in the margins of the reports of Kira's victims. The sad thing was that it wasn't any worse than what the rest of them were doing.

Naomi was starting to regret abandoning Duck and the television set. At least then she wouldn't have to listen to Light and L bicker like two old women. Not that it would have taken long for Light to get bored of the pretense of being a good NPA employee and ditch the meeting as well but at least then she would only have Light to deal with and not L at the same time. Light in her house she could handle, Light and L in L's sketchy apartment she wasn't thrilled with.

The rest of the task force seemed to have resigned themselves to listening to it get worse. Ide, for example, was checking his calendar on his cellphone no doubt noting his vacation days with a particularly hopeful gleam in his eye. Matsuda in the meantime was hurriedly scribbling down a heated argument between Y and Hikaru that was completely unrelated to the argument their counterparts were currently having. No doubt in the next season Naomi would be seeing this exact same scene, except instead of arguing whether Light was Kira or not they would be arguing about the Boogey Man but beneath that all the subtext would be about sex.

She could hear Duck's commentary now because of course he would pick up on the sexual tension even though he was four and he shouldn't even know what the difference between a man and a woman is much less where the stork really comes from.

Naomi sighed and decided to interrupt them before it got any worse (or Matsuda got any good ideas), "Ryuzaki, you had something you wanted to tell us?"

"Ah, yes. It appears we have been contacted by my heirs." L said offhandedly, "N has left us a video message." L walked over to his laptop and pulled up a video whose background was a giant gothic N. Naomi got a sinking feeling in her stomach.

She didn't know how but she had the distinct taste of strawberry jam in her mouth and the scent of a man burning himself alive with gasoline whilst standing on a chair. She was going to murder L.

"This better not be what I think it is." Naomi muttered.

"Unfortunately it is."

Yes, she really was going to murder L.

"You have another spurned and neglected lover." Naomi stated, "Goddammit Ryuzaki, wasn't Beyond Birthday enough for you! Now we have what, Near Necrophelia? Don't tell me, he likes jam too doesn't he?"

"Near, actually. And he likes finger puppets not jam." L interrupted.

Naomi couldn't believe it, she couldn't believe there was another one. How could one man create two sadistic insane stalkers? How was that even possible? Did L hold courses on this? Did he educate twitching awkward young men in the art of being a stalker? Was this what L created in his free time?

She could see it all before her now. Naomi would be assigned to field work as N got into motion, curiously killing people with bizarre names, L would talk to her on the phone and be absolutely useless. Light would have no sympathy. And she'd find N lighting himself on fire at the end of it after realizing that he was in love with L of all people. Naomi was not amused.

"You have heirs? Ryuzaki, I hate to be the one to tell you this but I think you take yourself far too seriously." Light leaned in towards the computer screen to get a better look at the gothic N. Naomi had looked too, and whoever N was took himself far too seriously as well.

"Yes, well. Watari didn't want to stick all his eggs in one basket." L explained with a look of exasperation.

"And this is the best he could come up with, you, Beyond Birthday, Near Necrophelia, and is there anyone else we should know about?" Naomi asked crossing her arms and just daring him to assign her to the case to gather intelligence on the enemy. She just dared him.

"Naomi, did I ask for your opinion?" L sighed, "N is my successor as he scored the best on his exams and…"

"Let me guess, he's just as socially inept as you are." Naomi interjected.

"… Showed the most promise in becoming the next L."

There was a slight pause in the room and Ide looked up from his calendar briefly and asked, "So what does he want?"

Naomi often found herself on the same side as the rest of the task force in recent days. They were the normal people who were becoming ever so slowly fed up with L and his shenanigans. Naomi had been fed up for years.

"Well, it appears he thinks I am dead and that Light-kun has been pretending to be me for four years now and has purposely been leading the case nowhere." L said this in a rush. "Oh, and he wants to take over the Kira case, because he thinks we're useless."

There was an awkward pause as the group took in the information. Naomi nodded her head and acknowledged the fact that she should have just ditched with Duck, Matsuda's soap opera was far more productive and enjoyable than learning there was a Beyond Birthday jr. who enjoyed finger puppets and who had a rather accurate appraisal of their work methods.

"And we're telling him what?" Naomi asked.

"To go screw himself, obviously." L said as if it was a no brainer, "I simply thought everyone should be prepared for when he declares war."

There was another awkward pause and Naomi sensed that everyone was thinking that maybe Near Necrophelia might do a better job with the Kira case than them but no one was willing to say it to L's face.

"Let me get this straight, Watari raised several children in competition with each other not to provide them with a better life but rather to pit them against one another like dogs and see who came out the best detective?" Light asked leaning his head back and lounging in the couch like a lazy god.

"Well there was an orphanage, it wasn't quite dog fighting."

"Orphanages are so much better. You didn't answer my question though. Was Watari really a worse person than you?"

L paused, "Yes." He answered eventually.

The sad thing was L saw nothing wrong with that answer.

Naomi again sensed the group swaying toward whatever promise NN might hold for the task force and the capture of Kira. Naomi however was too pessimistic to believe NN might be any better than L, she had the distinct feeling that NN might be even worse; best not to say that aloud though. Light looked as if he was ready to throw a fit at the realization that he now had two L's to deal with and only one of them was bankrupt and wanted in his pants.

"Why didn't you go to this orphanage and inform them that only Watari was dead, and that you were conveniently alive and still working on the case?" Light asked in the harsh tone that he usually reserved for Ryuk when he did something incredibly drastic for apples.

"I hate children." L said and shrugged, "Besides no one actually knows what I look like there, it would have been pointless."

Naomi wanted to point out the unlikelihood that L hated children since he had been all over Light in the Yotsuba investigation.

"You've never even met your successor or visited your orphanage."

"… No…"

"You bastard. Do you realize what you've done?"

L sighed, "Clearly Light-kun, you are overreacting."

"Light-kun is not overreacting! We now have not only Kira to deal with but now we've got you're successor breathing down our necks, how could this possibly get any worse?" Light appeared more animated than he had been for the past two years, he actually jumped up off the couch in order to grab L by the shoulders and shake the living daylights out of him. It was truly spectacular.

Naomi should have warned Light to never tempt the gods of misfortune, but L's obnoxious ring tone beat her to it.

"Hello, this is Ryuzaki speaking." L paused nodded his hand and passed the phone to Soichiro, "I believe this call is for you."

Soichiro took the cellphone and set it on speaker. "Go ahead." He said then.

"Chief Yagami," said one of the men who actually still worked for the normal homicide investigations, "We believe director Kitamura has been kidnapped."

Somehow even without managing to look directly at him, all eyes were on the puzzled detective L who was innocently observing the ceiling fan.

_You never have told me the entire BB story_

_I would like to hear all of it one day_

_Maybe tomorrow_

**Author's Note: Well, there's Near for you. If any of you were (and still are) offended by the L jibes I guerentee that the Wammy jibes will be far worse. It's not that I don't like the Wammy gang (kind of like the Scooby Gang but without the drugged crackers or the talking dog) it's just that I don't see any purpose for their existance. Second season Death Note is more of a let down than any Disney sequel ever, including Hunchback of Notredame II. If you disagree with this statement leave it in the review, I'll be happy to debate it with you. **

**Other news: reading and reviewing. It happens and it is great. Thank you everyone. More reviews would also be appreciated, you can never have too many reviews, kind of like chocolate. **

**Disclaimer: Death Note does not belong to me, neither does the LABB novel. **


	53. Chapter 53

Light and Naomi had decided to walk back to her apartment together, as they normally did after L's powwow police extravaganza sessions. He appeared to be in deep thought and contemplating his new track in life and just how L, after four years of doing nothing, had managed to yet again make his life miserable in unexpected and creative ways. Naomi just wished this whole N problem would disappear and that her life would go back to the next level of normalcy that it had been at before L opened his mouth.

Not that her life had ever been normal, but, well, more normal (normaler?) would be nice.

"So, this is new." Light said eventually.

Naomi considered that statement and decided she didn't quite agree.

"If by new you mean L is back in the game then yes. If by new you mean a new occurrence then no, not really. L did do this before, remember Beyond Birthday?" Naomi mentioned briefly. Everyone but her seemed to dismiss Beyond Birthday from reality and now he turned out to be important. Naomi had been suppressing the urge for the past hour to start dancing and pointing fingers because she had been right the whole time and no one had believed her. Naomi was more mature than that…and L would have thrown her out of the apartment before the meeting was over.

"L has a successor, and he thinks L is dead… He's going to blame me for all of this." Light was saying that like it was surprising. Really, he was mini-L, who did he think he was dealing with? Gandhi?

"And?"

"That bastard, he couldn't just stay bankrupt!" Light stopped walking and proceeded to throw his arms up in the air.

Of course he couldn't, it was L, L didn't do the whole bankrupt thing very well.

"Why don't you just kill him now?" Before things got any more bizarre. She was beginning to think that the fates were keeping L alive just to irritate her of course that was a ridiculous notion. Light was keeping L alive because he thought it was funny, and he was really unmotivated.

"That wouldn't solve anything! It could possibly make things worse, I'm committed now and he knows it! He's one-upped me! This is unacceptable!" Light crossed his arms and began to tap his foot, still apparently in deep thought.

Naomi realized they had been standing in the same spot for quite some time and that it was rather cold outside.

"Light, I do want to get home sometime today…" Naomi was wondering if Raye was still alive or if Duck had finally lost patience and gone ahead with the deportation. "Can you think about this later?"

Possibly not in her house either, but if she said that out loud Light would most definitely think about it inside her house. Maybe she could call Misa and have her kidnap Light for the evening and have him think on a date instead…

"I don't actually think it makes a difference." Light said slowly, "If it took him four years to find out it was me then he isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. It took L what, a couple months? Of course I wanted to be found out so it wasn't like it was my mistake, stop looking at me like I'm an idiot…but if he missed all the hints I dropped then… I think I'm in luck. So far all Near has done is wave accusations in my face, which is about the same as what L did only L had me imprisoned and had my execution faked by my father, and kidnapping Kitamura makes no difference to me. I don't think he has any power… He might possibly be more useless than your husband the wall paper."

Naomi blinked and said, "Why is Raye involved in this conversation?"

Light wasn't paying attention though, he nodded to himself and began to walk again. Naomi had a terrible premonition that Light just had an idea, those were never good.

"This is much less terrible than I actually thought." Light continued as they walked, "This whole affair might prove to be actually enjoyable, if L has to deal with whatever mess he creates trying to intimidate me. This could… be fun."

"Good for you, Light."

Naomi didn't bother to point out the fact that Light didn't seem to care at all that the director of the NPA, his boss, had just been kidnapped perhaps by NN or maybe even by someone else who L was not mentioning. Besides Naomi also knew that while L might have to deal with N that he would make Light pay in some other way for foisting the problem off on him.

Why couldn't there just be one L? What was wrong with one L? Had the universe decided that one wasn't good enough and that they needed another one?

She was glad Ryuk hadn't gone with and was instead floating around Misa, she really wouldn't be able to handle his giggling along with the whole Beyond Birthday déja vû moment, not to mention whatever snide comment he came up with to bother Light. It was always a good day when Light foisted Ryuk off on Misa for the day with a bribe of many apples and a couple of batting eyelashes.

She saw people driving their cars and briefly she wondered if their lives were filled with this many problems.

When she and Light got back to the apartment and she walked in on Raye and Duck playing Monopoly she decided that the answer to that thought was a definite no.

There they were, Duck seated crosslegged and Raye sitting far more casually. Raye was the thimble and Duck the dog. The board had been covered in a multitude of houses and hotels, even Jail had a nice Motel Six planted on it which Naomi was fairly certain wasn't allowed in the game.

"I believe that railroad is mine, pay up." Duck held out his hand to Raye authoritatively. Raye looked down at his dwindling pile of orange cash in dismay and counted it before looking back at the board.

"Son, I don't think you own that…" Raye's eyes flicked over to the carousel containing the remaining property.

"Of course I do, I bought the bank." Duck's hand didn't move in the slightest from its position in front of Raye's nose.

Raye laughed at that, "You can't buy the bank, son."

Light and Naomi stood in the doorway watching the scene play out before them, like a train wreck they were unable and unwilling to stop.

"Yes I can, the bank was irresponsibly giving out loans and was going to start a major recession if I didn't stop things now. You have to understand, Raye, that without a government takeover the entire economy would have collapsed and instead of having five star hotels on Boardwalk I would have card-board shacks." Duck motioned to his row of hotels lining their way all along the board and then returned his hand to its position under Raye's nose.

"That's not how Monopoply works."

"The bank should never have given you a loan as there is no evidence that you could possibly win at this game, without that assurance the bank could never be ensured that the loan would be paid back with interest yet they gave you money anyway. They ignored every bit of common sense they possessed and threw away their money and then had the gall to complain when it didn't come back. For the good of the game I had no choice but to take control of the bank's assets and introduce new management." Duck sighed as if he was suddenly realizing the pointlessness of trying to teach his father anything about economics or Monopoly. He looked for all the world like a wounded god whose subject had just brought him corn instead of a nice dead lamb. Except instead of having a white beard he had curly dark hair and was wearing a sweater with a giant duck on it.

"That's how you play the game though, you have to start out with money otherwise you can't buy anything." Raye said still looking at his measly bills.

"That's called a loan, Raye, a loan and the bank has no obligation to give it to you. There is no welfare in monopoly or social security, neither is there inheritance unless someone who had previously played the game left you money in their will. Therefore, it is a loan and should be treated as such. You owe me two hundred dollars." Duck said, his eyes narrowed.

"No, that property isn't that expensive." Raye objected.

"I've just increased property taxes so as to create a welfare program, it seems we'll be in need of one."

Light stepped into the room and made his way into the kitchen, ignoring the pair on the floor in favor of whatever was left in the fridge.

Raye's mouth opened and closed several times, "But I… I don't have that much…"

"Oh dear, it seems that either you'll be going to prison or you're going to have to foreclose." Duck confiscated Raye's remaining dollars.

"I don't have any property left."

"Prison then, I hear you meet all sorts of fun and creative people there." Duck smiled cheerfully and removed Raye's thimble from Park Place to Jail. Raye appeared to be in shock.

"Well, now that Monopoly's over how was work mother?" Duck turned completely from Raye and beamed up at Naomi who was still standing in the doorway in shock.

She made a mental note never to play Monopoly or any other board game with Duck ever.

"Well, it was, um, interesting." Naomi shrugged. "L has an heir and the NPA director got kidnapped."

"Really?" Duck asked, "Coincidence?"

"Not likely." Naomi muttered making her way into the kitchen with Light, "His name is Near, his logo is a giant gothic N if that tells you anything."

Duck shrugged.

"I wouldn't worry about him, he must be useless if he hasn't assassinated our dear friend Mr. Snuggles yet."

Mr. Snuggles looked up from the microwave with a bland expression of distaste despite having said the exact same thing only a half an hour earlier. Naomi wasn't sure how to respond to that statement except with a vague feeling of skepticism.

Raye was still sitting on the floor with a look of abject despair upon his face and the game of Monopoly still out in front of him, the sad thing was that the game actually was a monopoly. from the look of things Duck had completed world domination in less than two hours. That had to be a record for that game.

Naomi decided to strengthen her relationship with the only normal person in her life, "Raye, would you like to go out for udon?"

Duck and Light both looked at her with the 'you've-got-to-be-kidding' face no doubt both planning to kill Raye in his sleep for the fact that they had both been passed up by Naomi.

Raye looked up, distracted from being humiliated by a four year old, and then nodded, "That'd be nice. I'd like that." He smiled and Naomi remembered why she started dating him in the first place. Not because he smiled but because he was normal if she went out with every guy who smiled at her it'd be a six-some with Raye, Matsuda, Light, L… and Duck.

That thought was very disturbing, she really needed to get out of her house.

"Light, keep an eye on Duck for me." Naomi ordered without looking at his face, she knew what expression would be there anyway.

"You can't leave Kira in charge! That's child endangerment!" Duck stood flustered running to Naomi and grabbing at her sweater.

"Light is a very responsible young man." Naomi said assuredly. It was true in theory at least. Soichiro and everyone else but L seemed to think Light was a very responsible young man.

"I am not watching that useless excuse for a child!"

"I am not staying with that maniac!"

Naomi walked to the door carefully prying Duck's hands away from her, she looked back at both of them and smiled. She waved her hand, "Have fun. Try not to stay up too late."

They both stood in twin states of horror and shock that she really was leaving them for the wallpaper. They really did look related in those moments, it was somewhat frightening, on a daily basis though most people said that Duck took after Naomi and that was all the thought they put into it. She hoped they had some nice father son bonding time without Monopoly. She had no doubt there would be at least one attempted murder while she was gone, maybe she should just try to hire a baby sitter like normal people…

This was easier.

She and Raye left the apartment and made their way to delicious normal Udon.

_I refuse to watch your evil child_

_Not only is he the devil it's also rather demeaning_

_Don't be surprised if he winds up in a mental institution after this_

**Author's Note: Filler? Yes. Better than Yotsuba Arc? Yes. Is this fic really 53 chapters long and still going strong? Yes. There you have it. All You Need is Love, the song fic without the obnoxious lyrics, in a nutshell. Thank you all for reading and reviewing, most people give up on fics when angst and romance doesn't happen in the first two chapters... I'm not sure if Light stalking Naomi counts as angst or romance. Reviews are always appreciated, keep up the love.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. At all. **


	54. Chapter 54

In retrospect Naomi wasn't in the least bit surprised that she had been kidnapped by a transvestite, that was just the sort of thing that happened to her, so while it wasn't surprising it wasn't exactly an enjoyable experience either.

It had been a Tuesday.

At the time she had mostly been concerned about the disaster that was known as Light babysitting her four year old son. It turned out that hadn't been a good idea and by the time she got back the walls were covered in chocolate frosting, Demegawa the television evangelist of Kiraism was dancing and prancing and praising Kira on full volume, and Duck and Light were staring down each other in a battle wills that could only possibly have been matched by Hitler and Churchill. Apparently they had lost the ability to argue using words and had instead resorted to staring contests. That, she decided, was the last time she left them alone. Besides they had both threatened to kill Raye if she ever did anything like that ever again, each of them using very creative and expressive terms for death that they really had no responsibility knowing. They also had threatened to turn the other into the authorities who would no doubt be interested in the other's presence. What the government would want with Duck Naomi wasn't sure she wanted to know, and if the government did get their hands on him it would fall within the week.

It turned out that Near hadn't kidnapped Kitamura. He assured the task force through a rather awkward phone conversation that kidnapping the director of the NPA wasn't quite his style. Just what Near's style entailed Naomi had no idea but going along with L's successor's track records it probably wasn't anything less pleasant. No, it turned out the ransom note came from someone named Mello and that he wanted the notebook. How he knew they had a death note when he hadn't figured out that Light was Kira for four years was beyond Naomi. Clearly some logic had been lost along the succession chain, or L had bet on the wrong horse.

Mello it turned out was attempt to produce an heir number three on L's part and was possibly a worse failure than Beyond Birthday. He dressed like a hooker and joined the Japanese mafia a few years back and now appeared that he wanted revenge on Light. Naomi was still stuck on the dressed like a hooker part of that scenario.

L had explained this all in about two seconds between brainstorming ideas and mentioning that they might want to negotiate and save Kitamura. Maybe.

"Are we going to find out about a third successor anytime soon?" Light had asked his arms crossed.

"No, Matt was rather unmotivated so it's not very likely he actually wishes to do anything." L sighed, he always seemed pained when he talked about his successors.

"So there is another one." Light said.

"Technically yes, I believe he works for Mello now though."

There was a moment of silence in the room as they contemplated just how many children's lives L had corrupted. Who knew how far down the list went, there might even be a fourth hanging around that no one knew about yet, not even L.

"Out of curiosity, is his logo a giant gothic M?" Naomi asked.

No one answered that question, Naomi took it as a glaring yes.

"So, um, what are we going to do?" asked Matsuda looking at the group. He asked as if he expected them to do anything, the rest of the task force had long since given up hope or motivation of getting anything done even if one of their own was kidnapped.

L sighed, "It's not my policy to negotiate with terrorists."

Naomi was fairly certain that if one were to look back in L's records that they would find that L had done quite a lot of negotiating with terrorists along with torture.

"But we have to do something!" Matsuda said, for once not writing the conversation down.

"Matsuda… I think L is fully capable, and is definitely going to let Kitamura die…" Naomi said slowly. No one else even bothered to contradict her. It had been a long four years.

"…But then hasn't Kira won, hasn't he beaten us if we can't even save someone from dying?"

Naomi wanted to point out that as far as race horses were concerned Light had been galloping away with the victory for about four years now Kitamura or no Kitamura.

Light sighed and said, "Well I don't know about Matsuda, but I definitely do not want the notebook in the hands of L's emotionally unstable heir let alone the mafia. It would surely be a loss for the general state of the world, let alone a victory for Kira, if we just gave them the notebook. Surely one man's life is worth that much."

The group stood in shock, everyone's mouth open, as Light said the most beautiful, endearing, and heartfelt thing that he had ever said in his life. Naomi felt as if she had missed some moment of personal growth on Light's part as he actually began to care about the state of the world beyond 'kill the heretics, I am god!'

L appeared not to have noticed this dramatic transformation, "Yes, what Light-kun said but more so."

"Whatever happened to good conquering evil and all that jazz?" Naomi asked.

"I gave up on that speech after I realized that I should have been dead four years ago, and yet I'm still here…" L sighed, "I also gave up on that after I realized that even if I did prove the thirteen day rule was false I would only have proved that _Misa_ was Kira and I still would have no substantial evidence against Light, at least with Misa I have hardcore DNA evidence all over those tapes. The moment I truly gave hope on this case and began solving cases again in my free time when you weren't paying attention though was when I realized if I did happen to drag Light to court and point out the fact that he is obviously Kira because he was everywhere he needed to be, had an obvious connection to the police, is brilliant, was Misa's boyfriend, and that he had a complete personality change after being incarcerated no one would believe me. They would just get one look at Light's batting eyelashes and would declare me a sadistic bastard for locking that poor boy up in a prison for fifty days (even though he asked me to) and have his father shoot him."

L paused as if for inspiration and then continued, "So I realized that my time was better spent not giving speeches about good conquering evil since the only way good would possibly conquer evil in this case is if I paid one of you to shoot Light in the back three times for good measure and that I might as well just pretend to care about the outcome of this already solved case and instead spend my time working on other cases and pretending you don't exist."

That was, perhaps, the most rational explanation L had ever given for why he didn't try to pursue the 13-day rule. There was also the fact that no one would believe him if he came up to any law enforcement and demanded that a criminal write down someone's name (who was going to die anyway) in the notebook and see what happened. Still, he could have done something, he could have had Soichiro dress up as Watari and make ridiculous demands at the federal prison or he could have walked up to a little girl and promised her a unicorn if she just wrote this or that name down in the notebook. The moral issue of turning a little girl into a murderer or possibly ending up with a five year old corpse probably wouldn't have occurred to L or wouldn't have bothered him exceedingly.

He was probably right about the courts though, if they did manage to prove that Light was definitely Kira L would most likely have to settle for sticking Light in a mental hospital and refusing to let him out.

"Are you actually suicidal or are you just faking it for pity sex?" Naomi asked for clarification, it's not that L wasn't right it was just that he was… L.

"Naomi, I know you blame me for Beyond Birthday, but really, how the hell did you turn that into pity sex?" L asked.

"That all may be true, but handcuffs L, handcuffs."

"And I'm not Kira." Light interjected but he was ignored by both L and Naomi.

"Misora-san I'm beginning to think you've focused a little too much on the handcuffs as they are the only substantial complaint you seem to have about my conduct around Yagami Light."

"You videotaped him in the shower and reviewed the tapes of him for hours."

"We had no idea how Kira murdered then!"

"Come on, he wasn't going to take a shower every time he killed someone. He could have killed by thinking and how the hell would video tapes have proved anything then besides that Light looks damn good in a steamy naked setting?"

"He didn't kill by thinking because then he would have been a god."

"Kira could have been a rogue shinigami who actually gave a damn about the human moral condition. We didn't know that!"

"A rogue shinigami? Really, how likely is that? It was far more likely that Light was given some foreign power that allowed him to act as Kira, not that Light is a god."

"I am not arguing that Light is a god, I'm just saying that it's really really suspicious that you automatically assumed that Kira killed by any physical detectable means. Kira broke the laws of physics on a daily basis, how could we possibly assume that it didn't just take place inside his head."

"Too many people would be dead, if it was all in his head accidents would be sure to occur. What if Kira just happened to muse on his own death or perhaps the death of his sister. Kira would have no family left if that was the case, he'd be the walking plague!"

"Lind L. Taylor, he could have been an accident caused by stress."

"Yet Hideki Ryuga is still alive and well, he wouldn't be doing too well if it had been inside his head and somewhat out of his control. No, I knew the entire time that Kira couldn't make mistakes that blatantly and therefore he had to be given time to think clearly about his choices meaning it wasn't in his head!"

"Oh so it was in his shower then?"

"It could have been! Looking at every option does not make me a voyeur!"

"No, handcuffing yourself to your suspect when he clearly was innocent made you a voyeur."

"You and I both know that Light-kun is Kira and that if I hadn't done it then Light could have become Kira again and killed us all in our sleep!"

"Killing in sleep isn't quite Light's style, I think he'd do it to our faces."

"Yes, but I'm not Kira." Light interrupted again this time his tone was a little darker and less cheery. "And if given the opportunity I probably would have killed him in his sleep during that whole Yotsuba episode, just so you know. The problem with that is that L's sleep constitutes of a half hour of sitting in a chair with one eye open."

"See, had I left him alone we'd all be dead."

"I think what Light means to say is that he wasn't going to kill anyone then because if he was then why is Matsuda still around?"

"Because we accidently forgot that he is essentially a waste of space and put a mattress on a balcony to cushion his fall. Are we getting off subject? I'm fairly certain that you and I and Light are the only ones that realize anything that is going on in this case what so ever so it's rather irrelevant to argue over whether a non-Kira Light would take advantage of situations such as Matsuda being thrown off of a building. The new and improved edition of Light most certainly would."

"Probably, unless he could find a way to make Matsuda's existence a living hell like he did to you." Naomi mused. "Wait, did you just refer to Light as new and improved? Does this mean it's not just a young man thing but a criminal thing?"

"… Now I remember why I wished Beyond Birthday had killed you…"

"I KNEW IT!"

Naomi and L were preparing for round two when the task force looked at each other in desperation for a new topic. Even Light looked as if he was ready for another topic of discussion.

"So did you guys see last week's episode of the Boogey Man?" Matsuda asked clapping his hands together.

Aizawa, Ide, and Mogi looked at each other as if to decide whether changing topics to the soap opera was worth getting away from Naomi and L arguing about the actual use of the handcuffs. They seemed to agree that yes, yes it was.

"No… What happened Matsuda?"

"Well, Inamo it turns out had an affair with Y's evil twin A and that A is now back in town but Y doesn't want Hikaru to know because he's afraid that A will seduce Y because they're identical and it's really hard to tell them apart."

The sad part about that plot was that it didn't sound that much more ridiculous than their real lives.

Light's eyes narrowed as they always did when his flamboyant fruitcake alter ego was brought up in conversation, "And let me guess Hikaru is going to sleep with both of them because he's not only gay but he's also a whore."

"Um, well, I don't know if I'd use that term but what if he really can't tell the difference and then… Wow Light, you have really good ideas! You should help me write sometime!"

Light remained silent for a moment and then turned back to L, "You know, this is excellent proof that I'm not Kira. Ryuzaki may be miserable and death-seeking but if I had been Kira then surely Matsuda would be dead by now."

"What?" Matsuda asked apparently still confused about the fact that Light barely tolerated his presence.

"Hey at least Ryuzaki has an evil twin that's insane, he just made me the crazy cat lady and then put me in a short dresses to try to seduce a blatantly homosexual man." Naomi said warming up to the new topic of conversation.

"I am not blatantly homosexual! I just wear nice clothing!"

And the conversation went dead cold.

"… I was referring to Hikaru…"

And in that moment God had sent a sign to Misora Naomi saying "Yagami Light needeth the therapy quick" and it was good.

There was a moment of silence as other avenues of conversation were considered.

"Naomi, how's your son?" asked Soichiro.

Naomi was surprised he actually remembered she had a son, most of the task force spent their time pretending she didn't exist. She was pleasantly surprised. "Well, Duck has been… Being Duck… He's going to be going to school soon so no doubt there will be many teachers leaving the teaching profession."

"…"

Apparently that wasn't the answer Soichiro had been looking for. It was also at that point that L decided to give up the whole charade of working on the Kira case for the day and kick them all out of his apartment so he could do something better with his free time. Whether this was working on other, more easily resolved and legal, cases or just eating cheesecake Naomi and the others didn't know. They simply stood awkwardly in the hallway wondering if they could get a cab in this part of town.

So they had decided not to do anything and Naomi had gone home not really thinking about it because it wasn't that surprising. It just reaffirmed the fact that if Beyond Birthday had decided to light her on fire instead of himself then L wouldn't have lifted a finger.

So Kitamura died, just like they thought he would. At least they were pretty sure he did because they stopped getting threats from Mello and Near had started calling again remarking that they would all be better off if they let Near handle the problem since they couldn't even keep the director of the NPA safe. Near Necrophelia somewhat missed the point.

It was a Tuesday and she had been thinking about what she could be doing with her life instead of working on the Kira case. Needless to say she was distracted. Still, even in all her years of predicting kidnapping scenarios even she didn't imagine they'd just drop a rock on her head.

_To Mello,_

_I fear you are suffering under a great misunderstanding._

_This is understandable. In any normal universe that is not, _

_As Naomi Misora will claim, _

_Under the rule of invisible clowns addicted to roulette_

_I would no doubt be Kira and in charge of the investigation keeping it off track for four years._

_Unfortunately, this universe is ruled by clowns, so the actual explanation is a bit more nonsensical. _

_L is alive and lives in a sleazy brothel, I am not Kira and try to entertain myself by imagining that I was Kira (who I am not) and that I had already put L six feet under, Matsuda writes a soap opera based upon our misadventures and you just kidnapped my sister and my bitch._

_I hope you are bright enough to realize what this means but I highly doubt it._

_I'll be seeing you. _

**Author's Note: Yes well, if you think about it second season death note didn't really make that much sense. Also I feel the need to remind everyone that this is crack fiction and while it's third person technically it is from Naomi's point of view, I'm not saying that at times I don't take things too far (I do we all know this) but Naomi also has bias. Is L as bad as Naomi makes him out to be? Probably not. However was he an ass in canon? Yes, yes he was. I know we all love our insomniac detective but if you look back and watch the anime or read the manga L is possibly a worse person than Light. Possibly, they're pretty close. SO in summary this is crack fiction, you don't take it at face value, and if you do it's unreliable narrator policy, don't take it at face value. **

**Now to the actual author's note, thank you for the reviews everyone and the reading. It was good. Reviews are always appreciated, and I reply if you leave a profile page. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note**


	55. Chapter 55

Mello clearly thought he was smart, he thought he was doing a good job, and sometimes it was the thought that counted but this wasn't one of those times. It also could be because Naomi spent all her time with Light, Duck, and L that Mello just didn't match their standards. He also looked like an exotic dancer so that didn't exactly help.

Naomi's first impression of Mello came when she opened her eyes with a pounding headache (understandable, the rock had been rather hard) and the vague wish that she was somewhere else. Mello (or she assumed it was Mello because of course Mello would be the most ridiculous looking one of the group) lounged on a throne surrounded by beefy men in sunglasses and looking down at them with an imperial look on his face that should only belong to a goddess.

She had no idea if they were still in Japan or not but from the looks of the people Mello had surrounded himself with they had never left the 1980's clubs. Leopard print was everywhere, Mello was wearing nothing but leather, and she spotted at least three white tuxedos. If ever there was proof that Shinigami owned time machines this would be it. The room also looked ridiculous. Mello's throne was covered in red Persian looking pillows and there was a leopard carpet on the floor.

She and Sayu Yagami were sitting on the carpet when they first came to for introductions. Naomi rubbed the back of her head wishing they had just tried chloroform because kidnapping someone via rock was not only filled with the chance of missing but also somewhat ridiculous and wondering if they had dropped a rock on Sayu's head as well.

"You know who I am?" The goddess asked with an almost-Light-like-but-not-quite smirk. Naomi could answer, but that required effort, and thinking which seemed difficult after probably having a concussion from a rock.

He seemed to be waiting for an answer and looked rather put out when neither she nor Sayu responded. He continued.

"I'm Mello."

He frowned again at the lack of response and the metaphorical tumbleweed that had just blown through the room. He looked at his cronies as if to see if his verbal entrance was dramatic enough and that his name should mean something. One of them shrugged and he looked back to the pair of them and changed tactics.

"You probably don't know why you're here." He said and that's when Naomi's opinion of him flushed down the toilet and she decided to open her mouth.

"No, I know why I'm here. Sayu you know why we're here right?" Naomi asked. Sayu was kneeling next to her looking frightened for her life, thinking no doubt that at least one of these men was going to rape her and that it would be really unpleasant when it did happen. The fact that she would be raped on a leopard skin rug also didn't help matters. Naomi decided to skip the panic and if they tried she would make sure they lived to regret their very existence. Light and L's lack of motivation must have been rubbing off because four years ago she definitely would have tried beating the shit out of them before they even looked at her.

"…No…"

"Yes, she does she just thinks you've purchased her for a sex slave and so has entirely missed the point." Naomi paused, "We're here because you are in a bidding war with Light Yagami on who gets to own the notebook. You think by bringing Sayu here you have some bargaining power since even Light won't want his sister to die. And I'm here because… Actually why am I here?" Naomi asked.

Mello looked somewhat taken aback but answered her question anyway, "Well, you're Light's bitch, right? And you let L die when you knew who Kira was? You're Kira's bitch."

Was that how Naomi was going to be remembered in years to come, when all the information was released and the world learned about the task force's heroic if doomed effort Naomi would be listed not as the sane one who had to keep everyone in line but Light's bitch who let shit go down.

"First off, not Kira's bitch, that would be Misa and speaking of which why isn't she here? Second, L is still alive."

"No, he's not. That's just what Kira told you to say to soften my defenses, but it's not going to work you slut!" The tumbleweed in the room only grew larger until it overshadowed even the tackiness of the décor. Naomi coughed to clear out the rather awkward silence.

Mello looked very adamant about that point. It looked as if Mello had actually cared about L's existence, which she found horrifying. It also proved the point that L had most likely never met him in his life because if he had there was no reason Mello would look so very offended and tearful at the suggestion that L was alive. Or maybe he was just offended that she had destroyed his brief four year period of happiness and now he had to confront the truth that the worst boss to have ever existed was still alive and well, although he wasn't swearing or cursing the gods nearly enough for that.

He also never answered her question about Misa.

Naomi sighed and looked over at Sayu who still looked terrified at the prospect of being raped. Clearly no help was coming from that side of the carpet.

"No, he really is. He's just a terrible person and never bothered to visit, or do anything." Naomi added for clarification.

"You're wrong, L built that orphanage with his bare hands, he did care! If L is alive then why the hell didn't he come and tell us so himself, why did he just let us believe he was dead for four years and let Kira's stupid whore tell me? Huh?" Clearly this was a sore subject Naomi wasn't sure quite how to respond to it.

She also wasn't quite sure how to respond to the image of L, shirtless, building a log cabin surrounded by joyful orphans yelling joyfully, "hooray now we have a place to sleep and eat and we won't starve to death, thank you Mr. L" and L just wiping the sweat off his brow and placing his axe to the side and giving a winning smile and saying "no problem kids, who wants some ice cream?" If that was what really happened… She had no words to express how bizarre that would be and how horrifying.

Naomi decided to just respond how she usually would if she was talking to anyone else about anything else.

"Because L is a terrible person who doesn't give a damn about me, you, or Near Necrophelia and realized that there was virtually nothing he could do to end the Kira case legally so he stopped trying. That and Kira, I don't know if you've noticed, is pretty good looking… So…"

Mello at first looked as if he wanted to pop a cap in her ass and put a bullet through her head but then he calmed down and began to smile clearly catching onto something. It was a smile that tried desperately to look like Light's when Light decided that he didn't really need to kill L because he was more useless alive than dead. Tried desperately were the key words in that thought.

Mello laughed and said, "You're going to have to try a little harder than that, bitch, if you want to pull one over on the Mello-meister."

Naomi felt as if there was a large gap between her and the young he-she named Mello that was called reality, on one end she stood desperately trying to convey the bizarre nature of her life and there he was on the sane side of the gap and couldn't understand a word she was saying. He also called himself the Mello-meister which said a lot and the leather, she wasn't going to get over the leather any time soon.

She wanted to bring up why he thought L was a good person but decided that maybe she didn't want to get into that right now and instead get into what she and Sayu were actually going to be doing while Light and L debated what to do.

"Alright, so, if we're hostages then what are we going to do?"

"Pray that Kira thinks you're worth it, slut."

Naomi wondered if it was worth keeping track of how many times Mello threw a sexual insult her way. It didn't really work considering he looked far more like a stripper than Misa even on her bad days. It was sort of like Light going up to Santa Claus and telling him that he had no respect for human rights and that if he had any morals he would let those elves join a labor union. It just didn't work.

"Uh huh, do you have any idea what you've just done?" Naomi asked.

There was a moment of shocked silence, Mello looked over to a hideously dressed smoker wearing green goggles and uggs, he looked back, they looked at Naomi. Naomi had the distinct feeling that it was going to be a long kidnapping session.

"What you talking about, bitch?"

Naomi was going to get really tired of being called Light's bitch, for one thing. And Mello's leather pants, she was going to have to apologize for Light for calling him out on his khaki pants. Mello's fruit cake rating sky rocketed out of the Milky Way galaxy compared to Light. And the weird tacky furniture, the dead leopard was staring at her from the floor, it was rather creepy.

She was beginning to think that Mello, like Hitler, had failed at his previous profession. Instead of being denied art school admission Mello had failed at being a fashion designer and now insisted on dressing the Japanese mafia in his own designs and showcasing his masterpieces on his own effeminate figure.

"You just got on Yagami Light's bad side. Do you know what happens to people on Yagami Light's bad side?"

"Uh, yeah, they die." Mello snickered and looked at ginger-googles-boots-with-the-fur who looked back and snickered, well, Naomi knew the nature of their relationship. The other mafia members joined in the laughter as well.

"No, he turns their lives into a meaningless hell from which they can never escape. He kills you if you're a mild annoyance. If he hates you then he strips your life of all possible value and leaves you with nothing but your own sense of shame and failure."

"… What?" asked Mello still appearing as if he wanted to make a joke.

"What do you think happened to L?"

"He died."

"No, he lived but his life is meaningless and he just goes from one day to the next wishing that someone would kill him but no one has!" Naomi wasn't certain if L really thought that all the time but it certainly had come up more than once… If it wasn't true then it might as well be true because Mello had to grasp the seriousness of the situation.

"You shittin' me, bitch."

"Clearly you've never dealt first hand with either of them. You know your buddy Near Necrophelia?"

"Near is not my buddy." He said.

It was rather odd Mello alternated from talking like a normal person to pretending to be black, kind of like the old Aizawa but without the afro to prove it.

"Watch, six months, his life will serve no purpose."

"Good, I hate that bitch."

…Naomi really thought Mello missed the point on that one. She had a feeling Mello missed the point on a lot of things.

"Also you're going to have to deal with Duck."

"With what?"

"Duck, my son."

And then Mello burst out laughing and fell off his throne, his commandos didn't even blink but just began laughing themselves, Naomi wondered just how Mello managed to become in charge of this branch of the mafia.

"You're going to send your son, to deal with me? I don't think you know who I am!" Mello grinned as he picked himself off the floor and re-sat himself on the throne, "I'm L's successor, bitch! I ain't know dumb member of no Japanese police force. And you gonna send your son up against me? Ha!"

"Third successor."

"What?" Mello stopped laughing.

"After Beyond Birthday and Near. You're attempt number three."

"I AM NOT SECOND BEST!"

Naomi blinked, this seemed to be even more childhood trauma then the L being a nice and caring individual who never visited every. She wondered if Mello had a Beyond Birthday experience as well.

"Erm, well, I didn't say worse or better I just said that you're the third person I know of whose used that line. Also, I'm not sending Duck he's just going to do it on his own. That's what Duck does."

Naomi wasn't going to bother to explain that her son had intelligence problems to Mello, he probably wouldn't understand. Also Duck was the sort of thing you had to see to believe.

"Listen bitch, I don't know who you've been talking to but I am not second best. I quit. You hear?"

"…Sure, but I didn't say you were second best or not best or any kind of best I just said that I know of two others who have at some point claimed to be L's heirs."

Mello was standing now and legitimately looked as if he was going to kill her this time with a switch blade, Naomi still had problems taking him seriously in that outfit and with that hair. He looked like Misa would if Misa was fifteen years old again and went through a leather phase. He actually pulled out the blade and began to descend from his throne but then goggles stopped him.

"Mello, you can't do that."

"Why the hell not?"

"Mello if you kill her now what would we use to bargain with Kira?"

There was a brief moment where Mello appeared to comprehend that he wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. He then forgot about it two seconds later.

Mello paused and put the knife back wherever he had pulled it out from (invisible leather pockets?) and then sniffed in disdain, "You're lucky you're needed right now or else you would be dead."

"I worked for the FBI and I already dealt with one of L's successors, and he was insane and attacked me in an alley and then lit himself on fire. I had no problem beating the shit out of him, judging by the tightness of your pants I doubt I'll have problems with you." Naomi pointed out. She however did not point out that she still had nightmares about jam and closets and L's look alike rolling on the floor because Mello didn't need to know about her therapy part of the story. She had beaten the crap out of Beyond Birthday, and that was the important bit.

"You didn't deal with anyone, you're just lying because it's all you live for now that you're Kira's slut."

"Didn't you ever look up the LABB case?" Naomi asked.

"The what case?"

"The Los Angeles BB case? You know people with alliteration in their names, BB, are killed by a complete stranger, have mysterious messages written on their bodies, their houses are cleaned to ridiculous lengths, creepy freelance detective is hired by family, I am hired by L… Seriously? You never went over this?"

"…."

"I mean he was your predecessor, you at least should be interested in L's track record of successors. Did you and the other guy really think you were Watari's first go at 'Operation replacement L'?"

"…."

"Really?" Naomi asked.

Mello by this time had recovered his former fury and looked as if he desperately wished for his switch blade again. Goggles looked worriedly over at Naomi and Sayu who were needed in order to get Light to do anything.

"Shut up, bitch. I'm done with you." Mello snapped his fingers. Naomi and Sayu were hoisted up by two men in white tuxes and were walked out of the room, goggles followed behind acting as overseer for his mistress.

Naomi was getting really tired of overdramatic men who needed thrones and lackeys and made ridiculous statements. One of these days she was going to snap and people would remember that you didn't screw over Naomi Misora. People who screwed over Naomi Misora ended up really poor or on fire unless they were Light in which case nothing seemed to be working. But it was very clear after that introduction that the Mello-meister was not a Light Yagami as L would put it.

_Your silly demands and presumptions make me laugh._

_Unfortunately, I am not the one you're bargaining with._

_You presume that I have a heart and that I care about Naomi and my sister,_

_I do,_

_But I also recognize that handing you the ultimate tool of destruction would be infinitely worse._

_However you aren't negotiating with me. As I've explained already_

_L is alive_

_But L doesn't believe in negotiating with terrorists so he's not negotiating with you either._

_Unfortunately, the one time we're actually in agreement on anything the rest of the task force sides against us. _

_Unbelievable, I know. _

_So this means since you aren't dealing with me, your presumed Kira, or L your presumed corpse, you are dealing with Matsuda the presumed idiot. _

_The one thing you actually are right about is Matsuda, he is indeed an idiot, but he demands we get Naomi and Sayu back because it's what good people would do._

_My argument is that good people would not unleash a nuclear bomb in order to blackmail the president into saving the few hungry kittens in his attic. _

_Not heartless, just practical._

_My plan, I assure you, was much better and well thought out than negotiating with the Japanese mafia by handing them a tool that could wipe out all of Europe in a matter of weeks in order to save two innocent girls (well, one innocent girl but let's not get into specifics)_

_I guess you could call this the task force's joint reply to your query on the notebook_

_I call it a sign that your time is better spent f****ing yourself_

_Go sit on a tack you waste of matter_

_From,_

_Presumed Kira otherwise known as Light Yagami_

_Post Script_

_If I was Kira you have just made a very grave mistake in underestimating my wrath and my patience. If I was Kira then you would do well to fear for whatever remains of your short life because as Kira I would no doubt have plenty of resources (magical and otherwise) to ensure your lack of existence in the near future. _

**Author's Note: In order to make this somewhat related to second season Death Note I reread a bit of the manga, my conclusion. There is nothing I can do to make the second season more ridiculous than it already is. Near's entrance with the FBI into the Kira case is confronting Soichiro by telling him how incompitant the task force is and not knowing that Kitamura was just kidnapped. Woops. That being said I will still try to make it as ridiculous as possible. Thanks to readers and reviewers, you guys rock. Reviews are great. **

**Also, side note, if we count the LABB novel as cannon then techincally Mello was shown the case by L and it was a great bonding experience. I don't believe this happened, I think Mello made it up. I think Mello read it after being prompted by someone else and made up the bit that he and L were best buds. Think about it, completely more believable than L being good with children and telling his successors how Beyond Birthday lit himself on fire in an attempt to best L. What kind of an inspirational story is that anyway? Point being, I am aware of canon I just disregard it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	56. Chapter 56

Naomi and Sayu had been sitting in a room together watched by Goggles whose name apparently was Matt when Mello came bursting through the door. Naomi liked to imagine that the door represented a closet and that when he opened it metaphorical streamers and sparkles came shooting out. In reality he just burst through wearing a feathered coat with giant shoulder pads that looked like it had never left 1985.

Naomi had been in the middle of explaining to Sayu that while Light would very likely spring them it wouldn't hurt if they got a head start by beating the shit out of their guard. Sayu did not like any idea that possibly ended with her being raped. She viewed escaping as a plan that was doomed to fail even more so than just waiting for Mello to try to prove he was heterosexual. Matt had been in the middle of playing video games on a Nintendo DS and hadn't said a word since they he had switched guards with one of the creepy guys in a leopard print shirt.

"We're going to die!" Sayu screamed. She had been screaming for the past day that they had been locked in a room but Naomi didn't mind that. Normally she would be screaming too but something about Mello just prevented her from taking any of this seriously.

Sayu also neglected to mention the fact that they were probably going to be raped before they died but that was beside the point apparently.

"We are not going to die!" Naomi wasn't entirely certain how Sayu could possibly be related to Light and the suspicion that Sachiko had an affair was growing ever larger in Naomi's subconscious. Sayu was just so normal…

"Yes we are, did you see them, they have guns!" Sayu screamed again. Which wasn't true, exactly, Naomi assumed there were guns around but so far Mello favored the switch blade and besides the gun that Matt was using to keep them in place she really hadn't seen a gun in the place.

"Yes but their leader dresses like a prostitute. Listen we just have to keep our heads and I can get us out of here."

"We're gonna die!"

"Sayu, goddammit we are not going to die!" Naomi wondered if this was possibly worse than trying to talk to Misa about Light's moral condition. Or talking to Raye about how Light was evil but she had to keep him in the house because if he was left in L's care he would only get worse.

Thankfully that was the moment Mello chose to make his entrance.

"You!" Mello pointed at Naomi. Naomi raised an eyebrow wondering what Light could have possibly said in the day that she and Sayu had been left alone. Clearly it was horrible because Mello did not look thrilled to be there.

"Yes? Can I help you?" Naomi asked.

"I read your stupid LABB case!" Mello said looming over Naomi and Sayu. This caused Sayu to back away slightly from both Mello and Naomi. Naomi had the feeling that if it was anyone else wearing anything else she might be slightly intimidated and agreeing with Sayu.

"Is that all?" Naomi asked.

"It's dumb as shit! It doesn't make any sense! Why the hell did L send you to solve it when it involved his own successor? Why did he attack you in an alley? Why did he light himself on fire? What's with the jam? It makes no sense! Why was it so important that I read it? Huh, you got an answer for me, whore?"

And in his ineloquent language Mello had voiced the questions that Naomi herself had been wondering about for years and that no one had bothered to answer. It was a truly beautiful moment that was somewhat scarred by the fact that the only person who understood her trauma over the Beyond Birthday case was the Japanese mafia's pet stripper.

"Thank you, so much." Naomi said slowly.

"What?"

"No one has ever believed me. Everyone just thought I was insane but I was right all along!"

There was a moment where no one talked and Mello's face twisted itself into something that looked like a cross between disgusted and confused.

"WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT THIS?" Mello yelled finally causing Sayu to back up even further despite the fact that Mello was clearly a transvestite and more interested in Goggles than he was in either of them.

"…Oh well, Beyond Birthday was one of Watari's first attempts at producing an heir for L. I'm pretty sure that L told me about another one, A or something, that killed himself before he could go insane. I'm not sure how he did it but I imagine it was rather graphic but a little bit more successful than Beyond Birthday's attempt to light himself on fire. As far as track records go L's successors aren't looking too good."

Mello looked at Matt, Matt looked at Mello, some deep message was conveyed.

"What you trying to say, woman?"

Oh so she'd been promoted to woman now well at least it was better than whore. Naomi sighed recognizing again that her kidnapping seemed to be getting longer with each moment she was held captive.

"I'm trying to say that maybe you should be worried about what happens to people who are listed as L's successors. Maybe you should think about changing your career."

"I quit, I told you. What, you think L's successor would really join the mafia?"

There was an awkward silence in the room and it was clear that Naomi did indeed think that it would not be above L's successor to join the mafia. L himself might not have been above joining the mafia if Watari hadn't beaten that impulse out of him.

"Anyway, is that all you wanted to talk about?" Naomi asked, she kind of wanted to get back to planning her escape with the reluctant and unhelpful Sayu.

"No! I just wanted to let you know that the dumbasses you work for fell right into my trap!"

Naomi wasn't sure how to respond to that so she just cocked her head and waited for Mello to explain. When he didn't she realized that he was waiting for dramatic prompting, she sighed and fed him his lines.

"No way. What trap would that be?" She wondered if Mello could sense sarcasm, it appeared that the answer to that was a no.

"They thought they could fool me by strapping the notebook to the old guy, but I saw right through that, my boys are kidnapping him right now."

Naomi decided that it was worth bursting Mello's bubble.

"How do you know it's not a fake?" Naomi asked.

"What?"

"How do you know they didn't make multiple copies and put a fake on Soichiro?" Naomi asked, "Come on the likelihood that L and Light would give you the equivalent of the Bubonic Plague that easily is really slim. Watch, it's going to be a fake."

"Well, if it's a fake then I'll kill his ass! We can tell if it's a fake!"

"Maybe you can, maybe you can't. I mean the number of people you can kill off is really slim because you'd need to immediately know if they were dead or not so that means there's only a certain amount of names you can write. Also from those there's only a certain amount of people you'd actually want to kill. From those we can probably guess which ones you're likely to write and write it in the real notebook. That way you'll have no idea if the person you killed was by us or you. So, it might not be that easy to tell if the notebook is the real one or not."

Mello's mouth fell open and Naomi had the feeling that he had never before considered that.

"You can't do that! That's murder!" Mello stammered.

"Please, my boss has no morals. I don't think he cares." Naomi shrugged.

"You mean Kira?" Mello smiled now like he had put everything together and Naomi had as good as confessed. They had already both admitted to the fact that Light was Kira so Naomi didn't really get what Mello was trying to prove through that statement.

"No, but he doesn't have morals really either. I'm talking about L." Naomi clarified with a shrug and looked over at Sayu wishing that Mello would just leave so she could get back to planning their miraculous escape.

Mello then bitch slapped Naomi. It was a strange experience that was made less painful by the fact that she had just been bitch slapped by a transvestite. It was also rather bizarre to think about. If Light had told her a few months back that she would be bitch slapped by a transvestite for suggesting that L was a bad person she would have laughed and told Duck the joke. It would have been a joke three months ago, that's how sad the scenario was.

"Don't lie to me!"

Oh yes, she forgot that Mello thought that L was a nice person and that Light had killed him. If only. That would have been so much easier to deal with.

"Fine then, it's all Kira's fault. Listen, I'm sure you have better things to do so why don't you go and leave Matt here to intimidate me and Sayu?"

Naomi really didn't feel like putting up with Mello any longer and if this was the only way to get him out of the room so be it.

Mello frowned, "What you talking about, bitch?"

Naomi then realized that Mello hadn't given thought to his getting the notebook beyond getting Soichiro to wherever they were. He really wasn't concerned about planning beyond that point. Maybe like Light he planned everything in advance but even Light when in the middle of something he considered important would throw Raye, Duck, and her out of the apartment so that he could think. Like the time when Demegawa first appeared on television and Light had to face the doubts that maybe his murdering business had gone a little too far.

It didn't even look like it crossed Mello's mind that maybe he should be putting more thought into overseeing the delivery of his ultimate blackmail tool. He seemed perfectly content to argue with Naomi over L's existence. He seemed perfectly content to leer over her and try to intimidate her.

Mello was so dead.

"So then, what else do you want to talk about?" Naomi asked. Maybe he would talk to her about his dreams to become a fashion designer and how it had all gone awry because they were just jealous of his figure and his gorgeous ginger lover. Matt had to be his lover, how else could he put up with him?

"What?" Was Mello's response. Naomi was disappointed she almost had wanted to hear that story.

"You're still here and apparently you don't have anything better to do so what else do you want to talk about?" Naomi felt a great need to twiddle her thumbs she wondered if this was how Duck felt when he talked to Raye for extended periods of time. She was beginning to understand why Light had a problem with people who didn't get what he was talking about.

"I don't have to talk to you about anything!" Mello said putting a hand on his feathered hip. He smiled then apparently having stumped Naomi with that trump card yet he still wasn't leaving.

Naomi then realized that if she didn't want Mello staring at her and Sayu awkwardly then she was going to have to take up the reins on the conversation.

"How did you manage to figure out it was a notebook anyway? L didn't figure that bit out until he actually saw the damn thing."

"Oh well, that was easy." Mello said with an easy grin.

"Really?" Naomi responded because it hadn't seemed easy to her. Light had been extremely careful and it would have been ridiculous to jump to the conclusion that he killed via notebook rather than magic bath towel. For months L had been convinced that Light had killed via bath towel, or magic shower soap, or just showers.

"Yeah, you see it was Higuchi." Mello said with an heir of importance looking like a goddess again.

"What about Higuchi?" Naomi remembered Higuchi. She remembered threatning Higuchi. She remembered Misa solving the Kira case. She remembered Higuchi dying… She didn't remember where he had spilled the beans so that both of L's successors could find out.

"They took a notebook from his car and he was Kira so the notebook must have been what he used to kill!"

Naomi couldn't believe that he was right after that major failure in logic. That was like if Matsuda had solved the Kira case by himself by claiming that it had to be Light because Light wore khaki pants and only Kira could wear khaki pants. Naomi wasn't even sure what reasoning Mello's reasoning would be called but clearly it sucked.

"We took a lot of stuff from Higuchi's car."

"You took the notebook first."

"Yes, but he was driven to insanity by Matsuda at that moment so that really proves nothing. He could have told us to search for the rubber duck that it spoke to him and told him crazy evil things. The duck told him to kill things, for example."

"Bullshit." Mello said.

"No, really, he could have said that. I mean if you know about the Higuchi thing you must have noticed that he proposed to Misa after nearly raping her while she was in a naughty nurse outfit, he was driving over a hundred miles per hour in order to kill Matsuda after Matsuda had supposedly come back from the dead, and in the meantime he was having conversations with his car and making very suspicious deals with it. Higuchi clearly wasn't in his right state of mind at that moment so I don't know if I would trust a word he said. The only reason I believe Kira kills with a magical notebook is because we have the magical notebook, but you already knew that, somehow…"

Mello waved his hand and ignored her suggestion completely. Naomi didn't really want to get into it further because while she could probably kill Mello with her hands tied behind her back she really didn't want to escape impromptu. Mello might not carry a gun but someone around there would.

Naomi turned to Matt suddenly curious, "Do you ever talk?"

Matt turned to her cocking his head. If he hadn't been wearing giant goggles she might be able to tell what expression he had on his face, as it was she just guessed that he was somewhat confused.

"This whole time, only blondie has been talking, you haven't said a thing since yesterday. Is this normal for you, do you just let him say whatever the hell he wants and cringe inside every time he opens his mouth. I mean how can you possibly let this reasoning slide?" Naomi asked.

Matt continued to look at her and said nothing. When it looked like he was about to say something profound he began to play Super Mario Brothers on full volume. Naomi wondered if he was smart enough to know just not to bother with Mello or if he really deserved his slot as fourth best successor.

"What the hell you just call me, bitch?" Mello answered for Matt.

"Believe me there are much worse things I could have called you." Naomi muttered. Transvestite seemed the glaring word.

"I think I have to pop some respect in your ass!" Mello's switch blade was out again. It looked even more ridiculous in the feathered cloak. Also the fact that he tried to make that sentence work.

"Well that's just great, and how are you going to manage that? Is goggles here going to hold me while you stick me with that knife of yours or are you going to do it all by yourself?" Naomi smiled.

"Hell with you bitch!"

"That would be scary if you weren't covered in feathers."

Mello's answer to that was to lunge. Naomi decided that she didn't really care when she decided to put escaping into effect and that now was as good a time as ever.

Kicking Mello's ass was going to be really fun.

_Your son just went on national television_

_He had written you a letter and drawn a picture of you_

_He asked why anyone would and I quote "kidnap mommy"_

_It was very touching_

_I'm sure you realize what this means_

_The national search and public rage is on_

_Whatever you do to Mello while in his captivity is entirely justified_

_You have my, Ryuzaki's, and the curtain's full support_

_Post Script_

_Your son is still a curtain _

_In spite of his magnificent performance to the Japanese public_

_And the false tears that coursed down his face as he spoke to Miss Takada_

_He will remain a curtain_

_Also why Los Angeles?_

**Author's Note: That was canon reasoning on Near's part on how he figured out that Kira killed with a notebook. Canon reasoning. The more I look back at the second season the more I ask myself how it is possible that Light died becuase of Near and Mello. In other news thanks for the reviews everyone and the reading, reviews are great, send some. **

**Disclaimer: Death Note is something I do not own. **


	57. Chapter 57

Well, escaping hadn't worked out as planned. As soon as she had floored Mello and given Matt the evil eye she had turned the corner and there were guns everywhere. One guy with a gun, okay, she could deal with that. Five guys with pistols, now that would have been difficult. How they could carry guns and be dangerous while wearing the clothes that they were wearing she had no idea. The Japanese mafia these days had no self-respect, she hoped for her sake the drug dealers back in LA were faring better because if they looked anything like the Japanese mobsters then she would have to be embarrassed for them.

Now she and Sayu were tied to chairs in a dark room that was probably a cellar (they had knocked her out after she had surrendered to the five barrels in her face) with a single light bulb hanging above them. A much more terrifying and armed guard was keeping watch this time, apparently even the mafia recognized that Matt was pretty useless when it came to fist fights.

Escaping, not so much.

Beating the shit out of Mello, however, had been beautiful.

All in all even if she hadn't managed to get out of wherever the hell she was being held captive she was pleased with the turn of events. Even if she was tied to a chair under a single blinking light bulb looking at a man whose name was Bubba and had probably been the local rapist back in the days when he was in the joint. Sayu was not pleased with the turn of events.

"Are you still ignoring me?" Naomi asked Sayu. They were tied back to back in two separate chairs so Naomi couldn't see her expression but she had been listening to Bubba's breathing for a long time so she was guessing that Sayu wasn't too pleased. She actually had no idea how long she had been unconscious or in the room but she liked to think it had been a decent amount of time.

"Look, I may have gotten carried away back there. You did see I had to do it though I mean he was definitely going to use that knife and I for one didn't want to be stabbed." Naomi paused waiting for Sayu to respond before she added, "And it was pretty funny."

That got Sayu's attention, "Funny? You think it's funny that we've been kidnapped? Is this all a game to you?"

Naomi looked at Bubba and Bubba cracked his knuckles. Naomi sighed and responded, "No, this isn't a game to me Sayu. Unlike your brother I have some concept of humanity and morals."

Naomi wondered how Light would have handled being kidnapped then she realized that she didn't want to know what that would be like. Light would no doubt talk Mello, Matt, and Bubba into insanity and talk them into killing themselves and then walk out of the building without a bruise on him. He was that good.

"You have no idea what you're talking about!" Sayu snapped, "You keep saying that my brother is some horrible, evil, nasty person but he's not! The reason you think he's so horrible is because you aren't like him, you're a terrible person and he's good and you can't stand that! You don't even care that you're going to get us killed…" Sayu then began to cry softly.

Naomi wasn't sure what she was supposed to feel. She felt like her brain had stopped at the mere suggestion of what Sayu had said. Sayu had been completely and utterly brainwashed by Light. Suddenly Naomi knew why Light had never been dragged to therapy, he had brainwashed his entire family. She was beginning to feel sick.

"Oh god…" Naomi muttered in horror.

"What were you even thinking, baiting him like that, you knew it would only get us into trouble!" Sayu scoffed thinking that Naomi's mental break down had to do with Mello and beating him up, "And to think you think you're so smart. You're pathetic."

Naomi was beginning to realize the implications. Soichiro believed that Light was normal, not only normal, but a completely good person because Light wanted him to. Light had controlled everything they saw or thought of him for so long that it didn't even matter that he no longer tried because that good Light was so ingrained in their visions that he was immortal. They would never convict Light of being Kira while Soichiro was alive. When Light was a child he must have been like Duck, Duck could do the same thing to her when he grew older…

He wouldn't though, not to her, Duck would do it to Raye though. He would completely brainwash Raye. Then destroy him. Raye in the end would think Duck was the most adorable boy… Oh dear god it was already starting.

"That manipulative son of a bitch!" Naomi wasn't sure which one she was referring to but she had to stop them or try to stop them… There was no way she could stop them they were all doomed.

"… What?" Sayu asked because apparently she was still thinking about how Naomi had gotten them stuck in this situation. Which really wasn't that bad considering kidnappings, it was more entertaining than anything.

"He is the worst human being I have ever met, this is far worse than Ryuzaki, this goes beyond Ryuzaki." Naomi thought about Ryuzaki and how terrible he seemed and how he hadn't even bothered to brainwash any of them. He hadn't even brainwashed Mello; Mello was just an idiot. No Light had taken innocent people and twisted their minds until he looked as guilt-free as Matsuda.

"I'm not even sure what I can say to him about this! This time, I mean, he's crossed a line somewhere this time."

Sayu still seemed confused, "What are you talking about?" She snapped clearly infuriated by the fact that Naomi hadn't taken her seriously at all.

"Sayu, I'm really sorry about everything that's happened to you. I'm sure it was terrible." Naomi realized that unless she managed to work through the psychological damage that Light had inflicted on Sayu there was no way they could possibly escape. She would be stuck with Mello, Sayu, Matt, and Bubba until Light came to get them. That was unacceptable.

"It is terrible! We're still going through it!" Sayu shouted still sounding very confused referring no doubt to their kidnapping situation.

Naomi ignored Sayu's interruption and continued talking, "I'm not really good at therapy so I'm not going to bother with it. Sayu, if you want to get out of here unscathed, you're going to have to get over your problems."

Bubba looked vaguely amused by the conversation and Naomi gave him the death glare while she was talking. She was sure that under normal circumstances Bubba might be only somewhat sleazy as it was being alone in a cellar with him and another girl was not making her first impression any better. Bubba cracked his knuckles. Naomi wondered if he had the words 'pain' and 'death' tattooed on his knuckles.

"My problems!" Sayu shrieked, "What about your problems? You're going to get us killed!"

"If you're referring to my knocking out Mello in one move I'll have you know that I knew exactly what I was doing." Naomi explained.

"Everything! Everything you do is going to get us killed!" Sayu clearly was not in the mood for arguing.

Naomi decided that her brief stint as a therapist was short lived at best anyway and she turned her attention to Bubba, "Hey, do you know when Mello's going to let us out of here? It's been a while..."

Bubba cracked his knuckles again.

"Oh come on, if you had been in my position you would have done the same exact thing! I mean really, why am I getting so much grief for this? I got less grief for throwing Matsuda off a building and L pretended to date me for a week after that happened! Do you know what it's like to pretend date L? Sorry, rhetorical question, but it's really weird and creepy and I never want to do it again."

Sayu took in a giant breath and then interrupted, "What? You threw who off a building?"

"Long story." Naomi explained, "But seriously, why the cracking of the knuckles ominously and the rape chamber?"

Bubba looked like he was about to crack his knuckles again but instead answered in an extremely low voice, "Mello will see you when he sees you."

Naomi then realized that the mafia must actually take Mello seriously, somehow. She opened her mouth and then closed it realizing that somehow Mello had managed to fool the Japanese mafia into thinking he was brilliant. How the hell did that happen? Did Mello explain that Kira killed with a magical notebook because some guy heard another guy say that Higuchi said he killed with a magical notebook after having a conversation with his car? Did they then stare in awe of his genius and demand that they receive this death notebook? Is that how that happened or did Mello just brainwash all of them after watching instructional videos by Light Yagami?

Naomi noticed that she was very confused.

Naomi decided that it was worth clarifying the situation and began to ask questions, "Wait, why do you actually work for Mello? No offense, or anything, but he looks like a fifteen year old stripper. How did he become the mob boss?"

Bubba glared down at the pair of them and Sayu began to panic.

Sayu interrupted, "Wait, don't listen to her, she's insane! She's suicidal! Kill her not me!"

Naomi was going to have to tell Light when she got out of this mess that Sayu was not her favorite person in the world and that she never wanted to be kidnapped with another member of his family ever again.

"Thank you so much Sayu, you're a great help." Naomi said very loudly still waiting for Bubba to explain why he found Mello to be a great leader, he seemed to be having trouble.

Eventually Bubba answered, "The boss was the boss before I got here."

That explained Bubba at least.

Naomi nodded sympathetically, "I'm so sorry."

"It's no problem." Bubba said but Naomi knew better because if she was Bubba she would be livid that a fifteen year old runaway stripper was leading his gang.

"That still doesn't explain how…" Naomi trailed off trying to piece it together without his help but coming up with nothing.

"He had connections."

Naomi raised her eyebrows, "Like an uncle or…"

"No, he used to work in a strip club." Bubba said slowly.

Naomi felt the metaphorical tumbleweed roll into the room following her from her conversation with Mello. She almost wanted to greet the tumbleweed because she felt that they were becoming very close friends. She decided that when it came back she would give it a name, something nice and easy to say, like Joe. Joe the metaphorical tumbleweed; it had a good ring to it.

"That explains so much." Naomi said after Joe the metaphorical tumbleweed had made his way through the room.

She wondered which member of the Japanese mafia had been the one to visit the strip club and mistake Mello for a woman. On second thought she didn't really want to know. She didn't want to know anything about what Mello had been doing for the last four years since L hadn't died. L hadn't wanted to know and for once in his life L had legitimate reasons for why he didn't want to do things.

She felt that Bubba was going to say more but at that moment the queen himself did appear and a door somewhere in the darkness opened.

"Alright, let's do this shit!"

Mello had changed from his feathered outfit back into something very tight with a lot of leather. He also had borrowed a gun from someone apparently learning from last time. He also had a black eye which looked very becoming.

"Hello Mello. I like what you've done to your eyes, dark makeup looks good on you." Naomi smiled at Mello's scowl.

"Shut up, bitch!" Mello looked about ready to bitch slap her again but he must have remembered how that went last time because he stopped himself before it went that far.

"It's your lucky day, Soichiro Yagami has come to get you." Mello said with a sneer and snapped his fingers and looked expectantly at Bubba. Bubba didn't move.

Mello snapped his fingers again and Bubba still didn't move. Finally Mello gave in and said, "Untie them and get them out of her you dumb shit!"

Naomi looked at Bubba and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry' he nodded slightly and brought a knife out of his back pocket. He then cut the rope tying Sayu and Naomi together. Naomi breathed a sigh of relief and stood shaking out her limbs.

"Thanks." She said to Bubba whose name she still didn't know. He nodded again and Mello looked at the two of them.

"The hell is this?" Mello asked when neither Bubba nor Naomi explained.

"Oh, we bonded over the fact that we both have no idea why you're in charge and we also both think that you look like a whore." Naomi explained.

Joe the metaphorical tumbleweed peeked through the doorway and said hello. Mello did not look amused neither did Sayu as she backed away from all of them with a wild glint in her eyes.

"You whore!" Mello managed to get out finally after spluttering half formed curse words.

"What are you doing?" Whispered Sayu in a horrified strangled voice.

Naomi wasn't thinking about what either of them was saying. Instead she was thinking about how in a couple months she would see this all played out again in Matsuda's soap opera and how Mello was likely to be less flamboyant on television then he was in real life.

"Weren't we going somewhere?" Naomi asked when she realized that none of them had even moved from where they were standing.

"… If you weren't vital to getting my notebook I would kill you right now." Mello said pulling the trigger on his gun. He smiled at her and Naomi had the dim feeling that she was supposed to be terrified.

Naomi sighed. Clearly Mello had learned nothing from their last encounter.

"Please Mello, wasn't one black eye enough?" Naomi asked, Mello pressed the gun against her head. He still seemed to think he was frightening which was somewhat laughable considering he was in the same room as Bubba.

"Say that again, I dare you!" Mello said still thinking that he looked like a rapist or Light when he was in a bad mood.

"Mello, we both know that even if you have a gun I could kill you with my bare hands before you even made it to the trigger."

Mello pulled back the trigger, "You want to bet?"

Naomi elbowed Mello in the face, he dropped the gun, and then she kneed him in the stomach. She had only gotten to beat up Beyond Birthday once, Mello just kept coming back for more, and Naomi was finding it very stress relieving. Like if she had been allowed to beat the shit out of L when he was being an ass. Beating up Mello almost made up for those missed opportunities. Mello was left leaning over holding his stomach and his bleeding nose by the end of her punching session.

"What the hell?" He managed to ask after moaning for a good five seconds.

"Well, you were holding a gun against my head and you pulled back the trigger. What did you expect, rainbows and puppies?" Naomi asked shaking out her hand which had some of Mello's blood on it. She hadn't thought she hit him that hard but maybe it was because she enjoyed it too much to notice.

"Anyway we should go or Soichiro might get worried." Naomi said and began to walk toward the door with Sayu trailing uncertainly behind her.

"Did I say you could go anywhere?" Mello then shouted trying to straighten up and aiming his gun at her.

"You want your notebook?" Naomi asked.

Mello didn't respond but then he didn't have to. The answer was a glaring yes. Not that he would ever get the notebook there's no way Light and L would possibly let that happen no matter what Matsuda said.

"Then shut up and start walking." Naomi finished for him and turned her back and made her way through the door. This was so much more pleasant than escaping, she was so much happier that she took the opportunity to beat up Mello twice.

Mello began to walk after her as well and said, "One day, Naomi Penber, you're going to wake up and find a pistol in your face and you're going to wish you never met me."

"Good, that will be three times I get to kick your ass."

Somehow Naomi knew that Mello wasn't looking for that answer.

_I've attached a police sketch of Mello;_

_I hope for all our sakes it isn't accurate._

_Does he really look like Misa's stripper cousin?_

_Also, be prepared when you get out, we probably have to appear on television_

_And for once it has almost nothing to do with Matsuda and his damn television show._

**Author's Note: Because the prison rapist is always named Bubba. Also anyone working for Mello who was legitimate would be ashamed of themselves. Wouldn't you? Anyway, Mello aside, thanks for the reading and the reviewing and all that good stuff. You guys are worth it. Reviewing is always appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	58. Chapter 58

When asked about the experience later Naomi decided to tell Light to shove it and that next time he could play the kidnapped damsel in distress along with his little sister. Not that it had been that bad, it hadn't really gotten weird until Mello had started asking different questions.

Mello brought them to a glass revolving door that seemed locked in place. One of the glass panels had a slot in it where Soichiro would no doubt place the notebook and only then would the revolving door move and Naomi and Sayu could leave. Naomi just couldn't believe that Mello had bothered to build a special notebook exchange door, it was very pretty, but she was certain there was an easier and cheaper way to get the exchange done. Clearly Mello not only took himself far too seriously but had way too much free time.

Soichiro looked like he had been through hell on the other side of the glass and the notebook was strapped to his chest. It looked like the real deal and she was hoping that was as far as it went. She trusted L not to be an idiot and Light not to want world destruction but there was also this nagging feeling in the back of her head telling her that Matsuda would find a way to get the real notebook to Mello and insure global destruction. Of course Matsuda would be the cause of the apocalypse, and not Light, because that was the sort of world she lived in. Naomi gave a slight wave to the stressed looking Soichiro, he however was looking at Sayu and didn't seem at all interested in Naomi's wellbeing.

That was nice of him though not unexpected. She and Soichiro were on strained terms at best. Light's living at her house for the past four years and making much more blatant passes at her as of late was not helping things.

"Well," She said turning to Mello and Bubba, "I guess this is goodbye. It's been interesting I guess."

Naomi searched for anything more inspirational than that. She probably should have mentioned that Mello was the biggest idiot alive if he thought he could get into a game of wits with both Light and L and walk out unscathed. After a moment of thought she looked to Bubba.

"We should keep in touch." She said to Bubba.

Bubba nodded and Mello scowled.

Sayu had already taken her place in the door and was pounding on the glass so that she could get the hell out of Mello's den. Naomi was about to follow when Mello put a hand on her shoulder. Naomi suppressed the reflex to punch him in the face. It was an understandable reflex but it had actually started long before Mello, she had that reflex back in junior high. That was probably the reason why no one dated her except Raye.

"I have a question." Mello said with an air of superiority. Mello tended to say everything with an air of superiority but this time it sounded like he was really trying.

Naomi had kind of assumed she'd be thrown out of his building and so was somewhat surprised that he wanted to talk to her about anything. Even if she did happen to have good advice she could have given him. If she at all cared about what happened to him in the future.

Naomi raised her eyebrows in surprise and said, "Shoot."

"Why the hell do you work for Kira? You could do so much better." Mello added for clarification. He crossed his leather clad arms and leaned back to get a better look at her as if to see what she saw in Kira.

Well, Naomi honestly hadn't seen that one coming. She hoped his question wasn't going where she thought it was going. Mello was the last person she wanted to talk to about her romantic life. She hoped by answering she would find out that Mello was talking about something else completely and that it was all in her head.

"I don't, really. He just lives in my house because he started stalking me a couple years ago and if I throw him out he'll kill my fiancé and my son. I guess you could say Light and I are friends, kind of, but as for why we're friends I have honestly no idea. He can be charming, in his own way, but most of the time he's just an asshole." Naomi explained with a wave of her hand, she looked over her shoulder to a very impatient Soichiro who looked like he just wanted Sayu back and the notebook gone so he could leave. She wondered if Soichiro knew she was talking about his son, he just had that look.

"Hmph, you know even though you're Kira's bitch I would still take you on. Just keep that in mind, in case you ever want to switch sides." Mello said and Naomi really hoped that when he said 'take on' he was only referring to job opportunities. Also why he thought she would join the Japanese mafia after being part of the FBI she had no idea.

"Erm, well, thank you." Naomi said trying not to laugh outright at the idea of working for Mello and also having no real response to his offer, "But I'm relatively happy working where I am."

Relatively happy were the key words. However, working for L was far better than working for Mello. At this point she wouldn't know what to do with her life if she wasn't working for the Kira taskforce.

Mello however didn't seem pleased with that answer. He frowned and began to tap his foot.

"Kira's brainwashed you, hasn't he? That little bitch has you wrapped around his finger. No one sane would go back to the Japanese taskforce." Mello said and for once he was somewhat right. No one sane would work for the Kira task force of their own free will. However she didn't think Light had bothered to brainwash her because she still had the impression that he was a terrible person whereas Matsuda just thought he was gay.

Speaking of gay wasn't Mello supposed to be gay? Whatever happened to Matt? Where was Matt in this conversation? Shouldn't Mello's lover be involved or was he really just Mello's own version of the wallpaper?

Naomi really didn't like where this conversation was going but maybe if she kept talking her terrible suspicions wouldn't come true, "Um. Well, it's not as bad as you think it is. They wear better clothing anyway."

"They wear what?"

"Better clothing? Mello, you must realize you look like a whore." Naomi said finally, someone had to tell him.

"I look like a what, bitch?"

"A whore. Kira and L may be evil but they don't dress like prostitutes. Only Misa does and I don't actually see Misa on a daily basis so it all works out. Why are you even offering me a job anyway? I just beat the shit out of you twice." Naomi pointed out.

"I do not look like a whore!"

"Oh and normal people wear that much leather? You look like you just walked out of a strip club, honestly, Mello, I bet that half the people you meet have no idea if you are a man or a woman or just a transvestite." Naomi closed her eyes and sighed trying not to think about Mello and his fashion.

"Say that to my face!"

"I did just say it to your face, Mello. Besides, doesn't this conversation sort of prove that you don't really want me hanging around for any period of time?"

Mello had to wait a little bit for his fury to dissipate because apparently fashion was even more personal to him than L. Or perhaps he was in the closet and didn't actually realize he was a transvestite and that he was in love with his ginger buddy.

After a moment Mello's face cooled down from lobster red to a tolerable spray tan color and he began to splutter a more coherent answer.

"Kira doesn't deserve anyone who can punch like that! Kira doesn't deserve nothing let alone you! I'd rather be punched on a daily basis than see someone competent on the side of the enemy!" Mello shouted his argument sounding dangerously close to something out of a romantic film and the Boogey Man when Y was talking to Hikaru about A. Matsuda would be thrilled if he knew, she would make sure he never ever found out about this ever.

Naomi felt very uncomfortable and looked around for her original guard with the goggles, "What about Matt? Shouldn't you think about him before you invite me into your gang?"

"What about Matt?" Mello asked looking for the entire world completely and utterly oblivious. She wondered if Matt had any idea that Mello had just spurned his affections for a woman that had beaten the shit out of him when he had attempted to show any competence in the field of kidnapping and intimidation. She could imagine him when he found out, just staring at Mello, not saying a word… She'd have to send him a letter of condolences and maybe some advice that his time is better spent with another man or woman or whatever the hell Mello was supposed to be.

Naomi looked longingly toward the glass door, "Look, can I go now? Soichiro and Sayu really look like they want to skedaddle." Hell, Naomi wanted to skedaddle. She wanted to run out the door waving and never look back.

"Like hell bitch! You and I aren't done yet!"

There was a moment of silence where Naomi just looked at Mello and tried to convey without words that it didn't matter that he was armed and she wasn't because she could snap his toothpick arms in half if he even tried to pull the trigger.

"Yeah, I think we are." Naomi said looking at the door where Soichiro had put in the notebook.

"No, why the hell do you think Kira is better than me? Explain that!" Mello brought up his favorite gun to her forehead. He really needed to stop doing that.

"Well that's a long story, and you do know that your notebook is here and you can now start on world domination and get your damn gun out of my face." Naomi said because she wasn't really sure what answer Mello wanted and what answer would allow her to leave.

"Screw the notebook! Why the hell are you so loyal to Kira? Is it his looks?"

"No, I told you there's really not much between Light and me…" Not much as in they had sex once, had a kid, Light lived at her house, he made passes on her all the time but really none of that counted because he was probably going to marry Misa anyway. Besides no one else asked her about her relationship with Light, not even L asked, L just assumed things and pouted when Light's back was turned. This was the first time anyone had bothered to ask, everyone else just had their own idea of what was going on and didn't bother. Even Duck hadn't asked yet why Light was living in their house when he wasn't related to any of them.

"So there is something! That bastard!"

She did not want to have to be the one to tell Light that apparently he was in a competition for Naomi's affections not with Raye but with Mello and that he was winning by a landslide. She could see it now, the gang all by the computers asking her what happened and her saying "Well, Mello's an idiot but he's also apparently competing with Light for my affections and he offered me a job" and L saying "Now I'm going to have to fire you for refusing to become a mole."

Naomi tried not to think about it too much.

"No, and what about the notebook, that notebook is way more interesting than I am." Naomi said but Mello didn't appear to be listening.

"You know what, I don't think you get to go back, I mean all they really wanted was Sayu anyway…"

The moment Mello even started to think in that direction Naomi decided that she was going to abandon the urge to not punch Mello.

And so Naomi got to beat up Mello three times before she escaped from his manicured clutches. After Mello was on the floor she ran to the door and motioned for Bubba to hit the switch that would allow them to get the hell out of there. Bubba just looked at her at first and then hit the big red button on the wall. She supposed they must have been on slightly good terms but she still owed him one the next time the Kira taskforce and Mello's gang collided.

She then began to promptly speed walk her way out of Mello's den with Sayu and Soichiro on her heels.

Of course she left most of that out when she was talking to L, Light, and the rest of the team in the hotel room. They weren't really interested in the details anyway. L and Light were too busy trying to figure out just why the hell Mello had rockets and what he was trying to accomplish by wasting that much money. Apparently Mello hadn't wasted time as soon as she left.

"He's your successor; you must have some idea what he's thinking." Light accused while sitting on the couch next to the recently rescued Naomi. He hadn't asked much about her experience but had immediately kicked Matsuda out of the spot next to Naomi when he had tried to sit there first. He could have been sparing her the interview of her experience that would no doubt be redistributed into a week's worth of the Boogey Man or he could have just been being his usual charming self.

As long as he wasn't Mello she was fine with Light's attentions.

"I told you, I have very little to do with either Mello or Near. Children annoy me. I assume he tried to make us think it was on the helicopter so we wouldn't just bomb the shit out of him but then he put it in the rocket so that we couldn't track it. Though he thinks we would go through that much effort is beyond me, what kind of funding does he think we have, we'll just get it back later. He could have just burned a fake in front of us, it would have fooled Matsuda, and it would be much less expensive. Maybe he just likes rockets and this is his new pet project." L put his face in his hands and groaned, "It's embarrassing to even be on the same side as him."

"Rockets? Did you ever do anything like this when you first started?" Light asked and then paused before adding, "I think your successor thinks we have the combined I.Q. of Matsuda."

"You guys know I'm right here." Matsuda interjected but was ignored by everyone.

"No, I never bothered with rockets. Back when I had funding I spent my money on food and hookers. Then again I never had access to rockets; I just used car bombs, just as effective and much less expensive."

"Watari let you spend your money on hookers?" Naomi asked trying to picture the older man and a fifteen year old version of L and hookers.

"Figure of speech, Misora-san. Although, if I had complete control of my funding then perhaps when I was fifteen…" L trailed off and Naomi realized she didn't want to know about L's misadventures of a fifteen year old since he was more likely to have been more of a deviant then than he was now.

Naomi decided that it was a good time to interrupt since it seemed the conversation was going nowhere except into L's mysterious past, "So why are we in L.A?

L shrugged and looked even more miserable than he had in Japan when he hadn't been confronted by the future generation of detectives. He had looked better during the Yotsuba arc when Kira evaded him successfully even with handcuffs. Clearly the thought of his successors brought L much pain which might have been the reason he didn't pursue Beyond Birthday on his own when he started acting out. She had just assumed L was lazy with the whole Beyond Birthday fiasco. Really, he should have taken care of it himself. He was perfectly capable and probably knew it was Beyond Birthday when she called him in the bathroom telling him how this creepy detective she met was rolling on the floor with jam. Perhaps, though, he did have legitimate reason to avoid his heirs…

Light filled in for L since he was busy pretending Mello didn't exist, "We at first thought it might have been a vague reference to Beyond Birthday but Ryuzaki states that Mello would hardly have the attention span to learn anything about his predecessors. Perhaps he needed a tan."

L was facing away from them now and moving toward the mini fridge where he had no doubt stored seven pounds of ice cream to replace the therapy he wouldn't pay for.

Naomi nodded that made sense and moved on to the next question, "So, just to be clear we did not give him the real notebook right?"

Matsuda looked like a deer caught in the headlights and Naomi looked over to Light who was now glaring at Matsuda in clear exasperation. L stated in a loud voice as he brought out the chocolate cookie dough ice cream, "We'll talk about the notebook later."

"You didn't." Naomi said.

L gave her the dead pan glance and she felt as if something horrible was about to happen, "No, I didn't. We'll talk about the notebook later." Somehow she felt there was a great emphasis on the 'I' rather than the 'didn't' and that made her feel rather nervous. Of course L could just be saying that they gave Mello the real notebook because Matsuda thought they gave Mello the real notebook but Naomi wasn't about to take her chances.

"Oh, you stupid assholes. I leave you alone for a few days and you give the ultimate weapon of destruction to a transvestite with a ghetto blaster complex!" Naomi turned to glare at Light, "How could you possibly let this happen?"

No one else seemed properly horrified by this development. L had perched himself on a chair with a spoon and his good friend the cookie dough ice cream and had proceeded to ignore all of them. Matsuda was still smiling somewhat awkwardly but not nearly enough to justify the fact that he had just started the apocalypse. The rest of the task members were just standing around like they usually did like this was no different than when Light and L used to get into fist fights for kicks. Was Naomi really the only person who realized how bad it was even to suggest that Mello had access to the notebook?

"What, in god's name, is a ghetto blaster complex?" Light asked.

"It's when you think that you'd look good walking around Compton with a ghetto blaster and gang signs tattooed all over your body." Naomi explained briefly before continuing her rant, "What's wrong with you people? No wonder Near Necrophilia thinks we're incompetent! I would rather see the notebook in the hands of someone with FBI funding than I would Mello!"

L interrupted then by choking on his ice cream, "Naomi, I absolutely refuse to give the notebook to Near. FBI funding or no FBI funding."

"If he managed to get funding then he must be better than Mello! Mello had to go to a strip club before he could get the mafia's support." That last statement managed to get Light's eyebrows to raise.

"…He's less flamboyant than Mello." L explained between bites of ice cream.

"What does that mean?"

L sighed as he always did when he had to explain anything about his successors, "Near looks like a child prodigy and acts like one but in reality his reasoning is little better than the shit Mello comes up with. The only reason Near is my official successor is because he looked like he fit the part and Watari was worried that Mello might end up a heroin addict. Of course, we didn't tell either of them that at the time, which is probably why they hate each other…"

Naomi blinked and looked at the rest of the task force who looked just as confused but perhaps a little more disgruntled than Naomi. They must have been thinking about jumping ship to Near's rescue boat.

"What about Matt?" Naomi asked.

L appeared to think for a moment while eating ice cream before responding.

"Who's Matt?"

That was about the right reaction to Matt as far as Naomi was concerned but it did not salve her concerns over the death note that might or might not be in Mello's possession depending on what L was willing to tell Matsuda about his morals.

Naomi put her face in her hands, "If any of you has any good news you better say it now."

There was the familiar moment of awkward silence that she was so used to.

Matsuda perked up and said, "Well, we've hit top ratings on the Boogey Man."

Naomi wasn't even sure what to say to that so she decided on the option that would relieve the most stress. She stood up, walked over to Matsuda ominously, grabbed his collar and dragged him to the wall, slammed him against the wall, and then punched him in the face.

_No, Naomi _

_Ryuzaki and I are not as dumb as you apparently think we are. _

_We did not give Matsuda the notebook to give to Mello_

_But do you think we would say that to Matsuda's face?_

_Matsuda may have forgiven you for throwing him off a building and L for setting him up for _

_Near death in that Higuchi stint_

_But I doubt even Matsuda would overlook our refusing to pay for your and Sayu's release_

_He also wants to marry my sister_

_I'm going to have to kill him_

_Post Script_

_You have a very nice right arm_

_I think Matsuda will be feeling that for weeks._

**Author's Note: Mello and rockets, apparently in canon that was supposed to make him look intelligent. I still don't see it. If Light hadn't been completely miserable, insane, and drunk on power by the second season then I don't think any of this would have happened at all. My opinion though, you don't have to agree although if you've read this far I'm pretty sure you do. Otherwise you have gone through a lot of Mello bashing in a few short chapters and I'm very sorry, but it's all true. Anyway, thanks to readers and reviewers you guys make my day. Reviews are great, leave some. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	59. Chapter 59

Naomi wished there was time to ask Light why the hell she, Sayu, Matsuda, him, and Duck were on television but unfortunately she never got there before she was seated on a purple couch facing angled toward a news anchor and the camera. Naomi had been under the impression that she would come back and everything would be relatively normal but apparently when Light said 'Duck has blatantly manipulated the media' he really meant it. At least she wasn't on Sakura television, yet, Matsuda said that was scheduled for the next day.

They hadn't even let her go home, as soon as she was out of the airport they had dragged her to the news room and there Duck and Raye had been waiting patiently. This, apparently, had been planned since L.A. and everyone was into reaping the benefits. L, even though he didn't have to come since he was the mysterious detective, had been gung-ho on the publicity scheme.

Matsuda had also insisted on coming saying that he was the one who got them going on the soap opera so he was the one who should be with them for everything involving the media since he had the most expertise. L agreed only on the condition that he stayed out of L's apartment for three days at a time after every interview. L had then sent Light to make sure that Matsuda didn't say anything incredibly stupid on national television and get them all killed. When Light had objected L said it would make him look like a semi-decent person if he was there in his sister's time of need. Needless to say Light wasn't thrilled.

Duck was invited apparently, and if he wasn't then he just kind of showed up and no one seemed to object. Even Light didn't seem to bother, perhaps he had decided that ignoring Duck was best and that if he pretended he didn't exist then he didn't because Light was God and God could do that—apparently.

Raye had tried to follow but both Duck and Light in that moment and just looked at him. There must have been some terrible meaning concealed in their expressions because Raye stopped walking and said he'd meet them later when they were done.

"So how does it feel now, to be back after the terrible things that have happened to you?" asked a young woman with a less fluffy version of the anchorman's haircut. Naomi couldn't remember her name, Light had introduced her as Takada, or something, because of course he would know every pretty woman in the media. His excuse was that he knew her from the few weeks he had attended the university before he had gotten 'mono' and been handcuffed to a man seven years his elder.

Joe the metaphorical tumble weed, Naomi was surprised to find, had managed to roll his way all the way from Los Angeles into a news studio in the middle of Tokyo, it must have been quite a journey but he was just as bouncy and silent as ever. The news anchorwoman looked over at Light awkwardly and then back to Naomi as the silence wore on. Naomi sighed.

"I think I'll be fine." Naomi said and noticed that Light had started to glare at her as he no doubt wanted to use this to get an angry mob after Mello. While this would have been entertaining it was also a bit impractical. He didn't need an angry mob, he just needed to convince Bubba that maybe it was time to work for a new crime lord.

Takada waited for the outpouring of trauma but it never came. Besdies, it was a waste of time if Naomi had a breakdown, it wasn't like L was going to pay for her therapy this time either.

Takada seemed rather put out, "Oh, well, what about you, Sayu?" She looked over to Light's sister who was seated next to him on the purple couch.

Sayu was much more responsive, she even managed a sniff, "Well, it's just so different. It's like nothing has ever changed, except that everything's changed. I've changed and I don't think I can ever be the same person I was before…"

Sayu then began to cry and leaned into Light's shoulder. He patted her back awkwardly and looked over at Naomi who shrugged. She wondered what Sayu had said about her, Light hadn't brought anything up but he had been glaring a little bit more than usual ever since they had gotten back.

Takada was nodding sympathetically but her nodding was interrupted by Duck who said, "Well, I for one am just glad you're home. You have no idea how terrible it was without you."

Takada then blinked, Duck hadn't really said anything before that point so she was under the impression that he was an adorable four year old boy who missed his mommy. She must have seen the original broadcasts with the tears and the wailing. Naomi hadn't seen it but even L had said it was spectacular.

"Duck, it wasn't that bad. You know I can take care of myself." Naomi said with a wave of her hand completely ignoring Sayu's melt down.

Takada's eyebrows raised as she took Naomi no doubt noticing the black scarf and boots, the cream sweater, and the spindly arms and skinny chicken-legs. In most circumstances Naomi would completely agree with Takada but kicking ass was one thing Naomi was good at.

Duck glared over at Light, "Yes, I know but it was still terrible. While I'm sure the tales of your beating a mafia drug lord to death are highly amusing they are not worth the time I had to spend with him and the other one alone in the house! One of them is bad enough. I can handle one of them, two of them is beyond all endurance." Duck looked at Light and grimaced slightly shaking his head as he did so. As if he found Light somewhat embarrassing.

Light frowned, "What happened to that adorable little boy who was so worried about his mother?"

Duck smiled and looked over at Takada, "Well, mother's back, and according to the news reports Mello is a terrorist as he just launched unsanctioned missiles from the United States. I imagine that our dear British buddy will not be around in this world much longer."

Matsuda blinked and asked, "Wait, how does he know that Mello is British? And how does he know about the rocket? Why does he talk so much?"

Naomi and Light just stared so Duck answered for them, "Do you really want me to explain this on national television?"

Matsuda blinked and then shook his head, "Well, no, I guess it can wait but I mean did Naomi tell you?"

Duck looked like he was going to say something so Naomi opened her mouth and beat him to whatever explanation he was going to give.

"Hell no, he just figures this stuff out anyway." Naomi answered for Duck. Duck shrugged and sighed looking at the ceiling clearly wishing he was done with this place and these people.

"… Is that normal?" Matsuda asked, he looked at Light, "Does he always do that?"

Light also looked exasperated and said very briefly, "No to the first, yes to the second. He's a curtain, what do you expect?"

Matsuda's face reached a whole new level of confusion, "… He's a curtain?"

Naomi had never actually seen Light smack his face with his hand but she supposed there was a first time for everything. He left it there and together with Sayu crying into his shoulder they looked like the most ridiculous sculpture ever made.

Takada was beginning to look unnerved and looked at each of them in turn before realizing that she was supposed to be conducting the interview, not the four year old wearing the too large orange sweater with the panda on it or the idiot police agent.

"If it isn't too hard for you could you tell us just exactly what went on during that time?" Takada asked Naomi and Sayu ignoring the other men, "Naomi, Sayu?"

Naomi looked at Sayu who looked as tortured and traumatized as she had during the kidnapping and Naomi looked back to Takada. She guessed that meant she got to answer first.

"Well, they hit me on the head with a rock. That hurt. Then they kept me in this guarded room for a while, but stuff happened and they moved me to another room. I had a conversation with a very nice man who was very understanding of my situation. Then we left." Naomi shrugged.

Takada blinked and said her first unsympathetic line of the day, "Is that all?" She even managed to dead pan, Naomi was very impressed, she had thought only L could wear that extreme version of the expression on his face.

Naomi shrugged and waved her hand before saying, "Well, I did knock the daylights out of him a couple times. Other than that, nothing much else happened."

Takada appeared to decide that she was going to ignore Naomi for the rest of the hour which was perfectly fine with Naomi. Naomi just wanted to go home and find out what the hell was going on and get back to not solving the Kira case. Takada looked at Sayu instead.

"I really don't think I can talk about it right now." Was all Sayu managed to say.

Takada stared, and stared, and slowly began to realize that if she didn't get one of these people talking then she was going to be fired by her producer. She looked over to Light, Matsuda, and Duck who so far she had completely ignored. Then she looked back at Duck and realized she was somewhat terrified so focused on Matsuda and Light.

"It must be such a relief to have them back again." Takada prompted.

Light took that as his cue to begin his heart warming speech that would prove to everyone once and for all that he could not possibly be Kira in any way shape or form.

"Yes, it's a terrifying experience not know what is happening to your loved ones. I'm just so thankful that they're alright because that's all that matters in the end. I can't wish for anything more than this, this moment right here, on this couch…" Light trailed off in a dramatic pause as Duck's eyebrows began to raise steadily higher, "My one hope is that everyone who is lost or who is facing separation can find their way home like Sayu and Naomi did. Because no one deserves that pain. I think as people, it is our job to learn how to forgive others. To feel others pain and to reach out and to remember that we are not alone."

Matsuda began clapping, "Light, that was beautiful!" no one else said anything or even moved they just kind of stared.

"It couldn't have been more beautiful if he had started jumping up and down on the couch saying how much he loved Naomi Misora." Duck added.

"What?" asked Matsuda stopping clapping and looking over at Duck with a confused expression as if he had forgotten Duck was there.

"Tom Cruise joke." Duck explained with a wave of his hand.

"I don't get it."

"It's an American thing; believe it or not I actually do manage to pick up some culture from Raye."

Matsuda looked at Light, "Did he just refer to his dad by his first name?"

Light just looked at Matsuda.

"Light, why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?"

Duck sighed and looked to Naomi, "Are we done yet? I think she's run out of questions."

Naomi blinked, "Why are you looking at me? It's her interview." Naomi gestured over to the dumb founded interviewer.

"Please, mother, look around you. I'd do it myself if I wasn't so damn adorable, no one would respect my walking out. You're the only one here capable of ending this."

Naomi was starting to pity poor Takada. She probably didn't deserve this, only L really deserved this but even he didn't deserve it on the daily basis that he had to deal with it. For a normal person this must be what hell was like. Hell, the probability that Duck was the anti-christ was so high that she had given great thought to making apocalypse signs and making her way to ringing a bell down the main streets in Tokyo. Not to mention Light was a serial killer, but, not many people knew that. Naomi decided it was time to wrap things up.

"I'm very sorry to everyone. My companions don't try to be idiots it just kind of happens. Sayu and I were put through very traumatic experiences; it's just for me, well… I deal with this shit all the time so it doesn't really bother me. For a normal person I'm sure what we went through would have left them shell shocked with only the ability to remain curled in a corner rocking themselves back and forth." Naomi took a breath, "So I'm going to apologize on the behalf of everyone here except for Takada who really did try her best, it's not her fault that he's dumb, she's traumatized, I don't have problems, he's an asshole, and he's the devil." Naomi pointed out each of them in turn stopping on Duck where Duck smiled on cue.

Joe the tumbleweed rolled into the studio as no one moved or even lifted a finger.

"…We have another hour slotted with you." Takada responded slowly.

Naomi, Light, and Duck all turned toward Matsuda who had negotiated with the television studio and he smiled as he realized that as soon as they were off camera they were all going to kill him separately. Matsuda was going to be thrown off of a building three times. Matsuda then desperately attempted to salvage the interview.

"Um… So how 'bout those terrorists? Wacky guys aren't they. All different nationalities too. You got the Irish terrorists, the Arab terrorist, those crazy guys who blow up subways…"

Takada's face fell in abject despair as she realized that her career would last the end of the hour. This, Naomi thought, is what would happen to a normal person who had to deal with the task force.

_L wake up one day to find that he has turned into a corpse_

_If he ever sends me on television_

_With Matsuda ever again_

**Author's Note: Was this filler, yes, I think it was. Is this what would happen if Matsuda was put on television? Of course. Thanks for the reviews and the reading and all that jazz. Reviews are always great, even if I do argue about it afterward. In which case don't take it personally it's just what I do.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Why do I keep writing this? I think after this long it's fairly obvious. **


	60. Chapter 60

L, Light, and Naomi were sitting at Naomi's kitchen table. Also it was important to note that none of them was trying to leave desperately. How it progressed to that point Naomi had no idea. It had been a few days after the interview fiascos had settled down, Light had simply said that she, L, and him were going to have a little discussion at the kitchen table. So there they were, L perching, Light sitting, and Naomi staring at the kitchen table.

"So… Why are we here?" Asked Naomi and then rethought her statement, "Strike that I live here, why are you here?"

"If you're finally going to admit that you're Kira I'll have you know that so far your various futures entail your being my sex slave, the government's sex slave, or locked up in some mental institution. Of the three I prefer your being my sex slave but the decision is yours. Or Naomi-chan could shoot you behind the chemical shed, if that's preferable." L smiled and reached for a cookie that had been placed on the table solely for L's cooperation.

Naomi didn't bother to mention that she would rather shoot L behind the chemical shed even if Light was a murdering bastard. At least Light had some manners.

"No, Ryuzaki that's not why we're here." Light said and sighed, "Kira, has however, begun to message me as he doesn't believe the task force is any way competent to meet his demands, and he doesn't know where L lives." Light added the last bit at the last moment as if to justify why Kira would bother to blackmail himself. Light produced a series of letters and placed them on the table.

L and Naomi just stared at the pile of letters. L picked up one and began to read through it before putting it down, "…Did you ask Matsuda on advice to prove your innocence or are we actually supposed to take this seriously?"

L looked at Naomi, "This is worse than the time you tried to convince me that Beyond Birthday was insane over the telephone."

Naomi fumed and tried to decide if she really wanted to take the bait and rail L for daring to bring up the Beyond Birthday fiasco in her house. She could feel her eyebrows twitching. "You know Ryuzaki, I really began to lose faith in the name of the great detective L when you asked if Beyond Birthday was cool. You asked if your own incompetent insane successor was cool. Really, Ryuzaki, what are we supposed to think about that?"

"I was merely testing you, Naomi." Ryzaki reached for a cookie, "Don't take these things so seriously."

"Also, Light, why the hell is L in my house? Don't tell me he's going to start living here too. If he does I give Duck full permission to dispose of all of you." Naomi stated with her arms crossed.

L and Light turned to her, L even managed to blink before taking another cookie. Light appeared to ignore that statement entirely and continue with his story.

"According to Kira, none of Mello's men owns the notebook, which is good but unfortunately none of us owns the notebook either. Meaning that the notebook is somewhere, out there, in space floating around and he has no idea where the hell it is. Naturally Kira isn't too happy about this and normally he wouldn't bother the police force about it but he needs the resources of the task force in order to get anywhere. He also thought that since we had the notebook in our possession at the time we might be able to tell what the hell happened to it. I don't think he's going to begin considering the incompetent on par with child rapists and murderers but let's not press our luck." Light sighed and frowned looking at L and Naomi who looked as if they were barely paying attention. L's eyes had been on the cookies the whole time.

No one spoke, L stopped eating his cookie.

"Are you saying that we lost the notebook and that no one noticed? How could you lose something like that? That's like Roosevelt losing the atom bomb, woops it got stolen, guess we'll have to write that one off. How the hell can you even tell if we have it or not? We've never tested it since Rem went to ashes. We could have lost it any of those times. What makes you think we've lost it now?" Naomi asked. It was one thing for Mello to have the notebook but now anyone could have it. It could be someone worse than Mello.

"I didn't think this, Kira did." Light clarified, "How the hell am I supposed to know? Anyway the important thing now is finding the notebook."

"Are we forming a task-force within the Kira task-force now? I have to admit it's probably a good idea but this means we're going to have distract Matsuda even more blatantly than before." L rambled, "Are you sure Matsuda didn't manage to find it and give it to Mello. He certainly thinks he gave it to Mello. As far as we know Mello thinks he has it, otherwise he wouldn't have wasted all that money on rockets."

"Positive." Light said.

L simply looked at Light until Light explained, "Kira says that there are definite ways of telling if someone has a notebook or not."

"Yes well, Kira is also a serial killer and I'm not sure I take him at his word." L said looking at Light all the while.

"So wait, explain exactly what happened with the notebook while I was kidnapped."

So Light went on to explain exactly how they had managed to fool Matsuda into thinking that he had given Mello the real notebook. Light had made a fake copy and put the fake copy in the safe replacing the real copy. L had then made a false drawer and placed the real notebook inside. After the fake notebook had been strapped to Soichiro L had strapped the real notebook to his own chest trusting in Mello to immediately go after Soichiro rather than to go with the crazy Tokyo meth addict. Even if they did pick L, miraculously, then L would just let Mello kill Naomi and Sayu so it was no great loss. Naomi was thrilled by this detail. They'd had the real notebook ever since and it was back in the safe in L's apartment where it belonged.

"So if the notebook we think is the real notebook is a fake then Light probably has the real notebook." Naomi said slowly. "Because Light was in on the entire plan and would have been able to switch out the notebook when it was in the false drawer with another fake notebook." Naomi looked at Light.

"Except Light doesn't have the notebook because Light isn't Kira." Light said.

Naomi and L just stared at him and then looked at each other. It was a very odd feeling, to be on the same side as L in an argument. Naomi restarted, "Hypothetically, if you were Kira, it would make far more sense if you had the notebook again instead of some random person."

Light shook his head, "It wouldn't make sense if I tried to take it. Hypothetically. If I took the notebook and anyone of you tried to test it then it would be extremely obvious that I was Kira. If I was Kira then it must be clear that I already have the means to perform my task without that particular notebook. My innocence would be worth far more than another notebook."

L and Naomi continued to stare at him. L finally said, "Light-kun, it's already obvious that you're Kira."

"No, I'm not Kira… And you look like a meth addict so no one will ever believe you." Light clarified and sighed. "So, think again. If I didn't take the notebook where could it have gone?"

Naomi thought again, "Well, L could have taken it if he has absolutely no morals at all. Just to force you to this point and make you really uncomfortable and then later use it to frame you and have you become his personal sex slave."

L looked over at Naomi chewed his cookie, "You really don't think highly of me."

"Nope."

L paused and looked at the ceiling as if in thought and then grinned at Light.

"That is a very good idea and I wish I would have thought of it first. Unfortunately I don't have the notebook either. I lack Light's crafting ability and my fake notebook would have hot glue everywhere. Besides there are other ways to force one to become another's sex slave, it just takes a bit more time and a bit less blackmail." L reached for another cookie while speaking and shoved it in his mouth, "So, either Light has it and is blatantly lying to us in an attempt to make him look innocent or someone broke into the hotel and stole the notebook while it was in the fake drawer."

Light looked as if he was going to interrupt at the idea of him becoming L's sex slave but stopped himself and simply shook his head. Naomi also noticed that she was running out of cookies to appease L and that she didn't want to find some more.

"Or you got raped in the airport bathroom." Naomi added.

Light and L turned to look at Naomi.

"You get raped in the bathroom and they replace the notebook on your chest with a fake." Naomi paused, "Did you…"

"No, I did not get raped in an airport bathroom. Besides even if I did have sex I think I would notice if they tore the strips of duct tape off my chest, because when I did tear it off in the hotel the pain was the ultimate bitch." L said slowly between bites of his cookie. "Someone then would have had to break into my apartment when I was out…" L trailed off.

"Well, Ryuzaki, let's face it your locks aren't exactly the strongest form of security in the world." Naomi said and added, "Matsuda could probably break in if he watched enough You-Tube tutorials."

"Right, but who would want to break in? Who would have enough knowledge to know that we weren't just a bunch of role playing prostitutes or drug dealers but instead had a weapon of mass destruction in our safe? Not only in our safe but in our false drawer. Someone would have had to implement cameras ages ago."

Naomi then had a terrible feeling that she knew exactly who had the notebook. The feeling was so horrible that she reached for one of L's cookies in order to get the taste of it out of her mouth because while it was very likely true it was also very bad news for everyone. Especially Raye, poor Raye, with every turn in the Kira case it looked like his end was closer and closer. Raye didn't even realize it either, he was completely oblivious.

"They'd have to be small cameras too or we'd notice." Light added, "Meaning they have access to a decent amount of money. Whoever it is doesn't come from your apartment complex."

L sighed, "Light are you sure you just didn't take it?"

"Goddammit I did not take it!" Light pounded the table causing the cookie plate to totter dangerously.

L shrugged, "It's a much more plausible explanation than someone breaking in and spying on our conversations."

Light paused, "What about your other successor, Near?"

L sighed, "Trust me Light-kun, Near's idea of subtlety is sending in FBI agents to my apartment asking for the notebook not even realizing that Mello had kidnapped Kitamura. Also despite having worse social skills than me it would not occur to him to actually steal the notebook from us by illegally implementing cameras in our apartment. As far as Near is concerned Light is Kira without a doubt, he doesn't have to check anything else. Even though you are without a doubt Kira."

L put another cookie in his mouth and continued, "You know even in considering this situation we're placing a remarkable amount of trust in Kira without testing anything. We still don't know if the notebook we have is a fake or not, we've just assumed it is." L paused and looked over at Light. "You know Light, I think it's time to test the thirteen day rule."

Light only looked at L with disbelieving eyes, "You know it's one thing to have my father pretend to execute me. (Which, by the way, is very illegal.) It's an entirely different thing to actually kill me in order to prove that a notebook is a magical weapon of mass destruction."

L sighed, "Please Light, if I was going to get rid of anyone on the task force it would be Matsuda. You know if I asked him he would probably volunteer… No, we're going to find a drug addict."

Naomi and Light did not even bother to say anything. Joe the metaphorical tumbleweed pulled up a chair and grinned over at the table's occupants. Naomi gave a slight wave.

"Wait a minute, if we prove the thirteen day rule is false does this mean we have to take Light to court?" Naomi asked.

Light looked at Naomi, "No, because even if that rule is false I'm not Kira."

"Unfortunately, Light-kun has a point or else I would have done this four years ago." L said with a wave of his hand, "We only have hard core DNA evidence on Misa, with Light we only have a few theories that make it look extremely plausible that he is Kira. Not that he is Kira but just that it is very likely. Even if I do manage to get Light in prison publically, what then? There's a mass panic as people realize that their lives are dictated by gods of death who can kill them at any moment. I may not care much for the common man but even I don't want to start the death god apocalypse."

Naomi grimaced, "You're so thoughtful, preventing the shinigami apocalypse, even more dreaded than the zombie apocalypse."

L glanced at Naomi and continued after eating another cookie, "Then we come to the secret trial option. I bring several country representatives together and have a secret trial on the Kira case. Let's say I win. Now every government knows of a magical assassination tool that can get rid of anyone they don't like. Cold war starts again, except instead of an arms race spies will be running around in each other's countries looking for a black notebook. What if I'm stuck with it? Do you know how fast I'll be assassinated? Hello future, your name is corpse. My, that's a lovely coffin you're resting in. Also, they're not going to waste Light after all that. No, they turn him in for testing to see what effects long term use of the notebook has on an individual. So Light becomes' the government's bitch and is also hunted after in a ridiculous battle between the super powers, what fun. So after all that Light doesn't even die."

"That's so nice of you. It's nice to know that even if I somehow get convicted of a crime I didn't commit I won't be executed I'll just be tortured by the government." Light said.

L ignored Light's interruption, "So really the only options that we have left after we prove that Light is Kira are for him to be my personal sex slave or to be shot behind the chemical shed. Prove to ourselves at least, I don't think we'll ever convince Soichiro or Matsuda even with the thirteen day rule. So Light since this is your immediate future which would you prefer, death or sex slave?" L turned to Light and grinned.

"Did you just manage to convince yourself that a death without a trial is a perfectly just response to the Kira case?" Light asked.

"Yes."

Naomi decided to break up the awkward silence by summarizing the turn of events, "So, just to be clear. We've decided to find a meth addict and get him to test the magical notebook that kills people and then we're either going to make Light your sex slave or I'm going to kill him and then if we don't have the notebook we're going to round up suspects from there."

Naomi wasn't sure that's how that actual future would work out or if that was L's morbid fantasy. Death or sex, possibly both, right up L's alley.

"That sounds about right." L said after a moment of thought.

Light then said, "Kira or not my life would be much easier if you were dead."

"You know, the sad thing is, people don't think we're the bad guys they just think we're incompetent." Naomi commented. She paused and then asked a question, "Whatever happened to having a death penalty victim test it out?"

L looked at Naomi, "Naomi, who do you think the prison would respect more me, you, or Light?"

Naomi imagined L trying to convince the executioner to let this man use the death note thirteen days before he did the electric boogaloo. Naomi shuddered, "Right, forgot about that. Drug lord it is."

"Naomi," L said, "You're out of cookies. Go get some more. We have work to do."

_How was it you decided to make me L's sex slave?_

_How did that possibly make any logical sense?_

_I'm beginning to think he's avoiding a trial simply to get in my bed._

_It's much more boring than he think it is._

_You would know._

**Author's Note: ****I ranted a lot more than I intended to this chapter. Filler chapter followed by ranting chapter... It's still better than the Yotsuba arc. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing you guys are great. If you wish to complain to me about my logic or just leave a normal review you can press the button at the bottom of the page. They're all great. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	61. Chapter 61

L had dragged both Light and Naomi back to his apartment after the meeting in Naomi's kitchen calling up the rest of the team on his cellphone while in the cab. Even L didn't trust walking in his neighborhood so he must not have been completely socially inept, he knew a drug lord when he saw one. Light had commented on this wondering why L even wanted to live there since they had made enough money off of Matsuda's show and could probably make more if they actually tried. L said that he did it to make Matsuda uncomfortable; which just proved that L was even more childish than Duck.

L had an annoying habit of speaking very loudly on his cellphone as if his conversation was far more important than anything anyone else could be doing. That or Watari had managed to teach L no social etiquette at all, maybe he hadn't bothered. L could have been a lost cause from the get go.

"Yes, Soichiro, it's Ryuzaki. How is your evening, yes well, I want you to get everyone to come over to headquarters as soon as possible. There are things we need to discuss." It sounded like Soichiro wanted to respond to this but he never got the chance.

L hung up and met bland stares from both Naomi and Light.

"What?"

Naomi and Light looked at each other and then looked back at L.

"I thought we agreed that we weren't going to tell anyone we lost the notebook." Naomi said for both herself and Light.

"Oh we're not, but even Matsuda who thinks Mello has the notebook would think we would do something. Think of it as a nice side project to distract Matsuda from the fact that Light could be experimented on very shortly." L explained before clasping his hands together and he smiled.

L never bothered to explain whether that experimentation would be going on in a government laboratory or in the bedroom. Light didn't seem to know which either but the Kira glare was in full force and it looked as if he was having a very difficult time restraining himself from killing L.

"Do you think we've managed to make the Kira case more confusing than it was before? We never needed fake notebook stories before Mello showed up?" Naomi commented but she was ignored by L and Light. She supposed that she should get used to this scenario as it had been happening a lot. Even before L not-died they had done that. Always ignoring everything for their bickering contests, one almost would believe Matsuda because they did sound like an old married couple.

Light finally spoke after a strained moment of silence.

"You know L; if I was Kira then you would be walking a very dangerous road that leads to lung cancer and diabetes. Luckily for you I'm not Kira." Light said with a cheerful laugh and a smile that he only reserved when he was trying to seduce women so that he could use them for murder.

"Why on earth would I get lung cancer?" L asked, "Diabetes I'd probably get anyway but lung cancer…"

"You would get lung cancer."

For the rest of the cab ride L and Light stared at each other. One would think Matsuda may have had a point with that overdramatic sexual tension except where he read the need for sex Naomi read the need for sex in one set of eyes and the desire for blood in the other. They were close enough that it didn't make that much of a difference anyway.

So Naomi was kind of grateful to be in the presence of anyone who wasn't Light or L staring at each other exchanging dark secrets. They all looked fairly nervous. Naomi was glad that someone besides her realized the implications of losing the notebook.

"As you all know, my failure of a successor is now in possession of the greatest weapon of destruction this world has and will ever see." L began sourly with his hands in his pockets, "I blame each of you."

"Sorry, but I mean…" Matsuda trailed off when he realized the statement wasn't even a rhetorical question, it was just a statement.

"As a result it is now our divine mission to retrieve the notebook so that it cannot fall into the wrong hands, as they often put it. This mistake could possibly have cost us not only our own lives but the lives of everyone on this planet and I expect us to act accordingly." L paused in his dramatic speech about the worth of mankind and for once Naomi thought he might actually have a soul. Which was a weird thought.

Naomi decided to interrupt, "This is great, Ryuzaki, really. All this good conquering evil, divine justice, let's kill those Nazi bastards jazz. All good, but do we actually know where Mello is? I mean he may have wasted a bunch of money on a rocket but it did stop us from tracking him or bombing his stupid helicopter." Not to mention Mello might not even have the notebook.

"Thank you, Naomi, for ruining the mood." L sighed and looked at the task force for support, "He's working with the Japanese mafia, I imagine they wanted to get back to their territory and declare war on every other rival gang member in Japan. Since he carried the notebook in a rocket I imagine that the notebook landed somewhere in Japan and made quite a crater, or at least a sizable dent. I imagine that if we were to have Light hack into satellite imaging and military radar for Japan then we'd find some very interesting results. We also might find some very interesting discussions going on between Japan and the United States about a British terrorist who looks like a prostitute." L looked pained and closed his eyes probably thinking again that Mello came from the same orphanage as him and was a stain on his reputation.

There was a moment of mourning for L's soiled reputation before L opened his eyes and smiled, "Well, Light, the computer is all yours."

Light walked over to the couch and looked at the computer with a raised eyebrow probably wondering if he should humor L even when he had already told L that Mello did not have the notebook or if he should just call it a day. Finally Light said, "Are you going to put this on my crime tab at the end of the investigation?"

"Oh no Light-kun, little crimes don't count. I do them all the time." L said putting a hand on Light's shoulder and squeezing, "Now find our little blond terrorist."

"So torture is now a little crime." Naomi said moving to the couch to watch over Light's shoulder as he began to type, "Nice to know that waterboarding is back in style."

"When did it go out?" L asked.

The others began to crowd around the couch feeling rather left out as L's only solution was for Light to do things, illegal things at that. Except for Matsuda who was probably thinking more about his soap opera anyway, he just snuck in for the extra information.

"How have you not been declared a war criminal by the United Nations?" Naomi asked and L looked over and smiled at her.

"What United Nations?"

"Touché."

Naomi looked over her shoulder and saw that Matsuda looked very confused and disconcerted. Probably wondering how this would work into his plot. He'd probably make Inamo take the ring but pretend to give it to Y's secret bastard child X who had lived in the mountains with bears all his life and now had come to take his revenge upon Kira after hearing the false news that his father was dead. Matsuda was fairly predictable, Naomi wouldn't have been surprised if anyone had learned the basics of the case from watching soap operas.

Light's typing stopped abruptly and Light looked up, "I think it's for you, Ryuzaki."

A giant N had appeared on the screen and was flickering at them. L attached the microphone to the lap top and waited.

"Greetings L." Said L's robotic voice from the computer.

The team looked at L who looked about ready to shoot himself at the fact that his successor had stolen his entire get-up. At least Mello had the decency to become a transvestite mafia lord for the sake of originality, Near was just a sad little chip off the old block.

L covered the microphone with his hand.

L looked down at Light, "I think he wants to talk to you, Light. He thinks I'm dead and that you're me, he doesn't want to hear what I have to say."

"I am not talking to your socially inept successor." Light said with a tight smile, "Besides you are the genuine L, perhaps he would want to talk to you if he thought you were alive."

"You think I want to talk to my socially inept successor?" L spat, "Light if anyone could hold his temper during this it would be you. I'd just become morbidly embarrassed and it would be a disaster." L uncovered the microphone and pushed it in Light's face.

"Yes, this is L." Light said slowly glaring at L out of the corner of his eyes, "And who are you?"

"I'm N." The robotic voice responded sounding quite a lot like L had at Interpol meetings.

Light covered the microphone briefly, "He's doing a very nice impression I must say, he should do a stand-up routine."

"Very funny Light-kun, I'm sure you'll be less thrilled when you're chained to my…" L trailed off as Light uncovered the microphone. Naomi was kind of glad she didn't want to hear the end of that sentence.

"What's an N?" Light asked causing Near to pause on the other end somewhat awkwardly. He clearly had not been expecting that response.

"I am the founder of the group SPK…"

Light covered the microphone and looked at L who simply shrugged, "Maybe it's a teen help program, like the word speak. Speak your troubles and don't commit suicide."

Near continued, "…And L's true successor."

Matsuda coughed in the background.

"Ah yes, you wanted the notebook, right?" Light said slowly into the microphone, Near seemed disconcerted by this as well because he didn't answer for a long time.

"… Yes." Near finally replied still caught off guard.

He probably had begun this conversation with the expectation that Light would take him seriously and wait for him to get at what he wanted. He probably thought he could just talk the whole time hinting about how he knew Light was Kira and that he was incompetent as L. He probably thought a lot of things but they just never happened.

"Well, unfortunately Mello has the notebook at the moment."

"…" Naomi could hear the silence on Near's end.

Light continued, "Those weapons of mass destruction are slippery little devils. I'm beginning to think that the notebook is secretly the one ring lacking both a dark overlord and a fiery Mount Doom in which to destroy it."

Near's silence became a silent scream of despair and confusion.

"It's too bad we didn't have any help during this whole kidnapping scheme because then maybe you wouldn't be responsible for destroying all of middle earth." Light said surveying his fingernails.

"What?" Asked Near.

"Come on, we asked for your assistance but you turned us down and instead said we should give the notebook to you. What did you think would happen after that? Did you really think that Mello could be trusted with a weapon of mass destruction?" Light smiled, "I must say Near, L would be rolling in his grave if he could hear you now."

L said at that moment, "L is rolling in his grave and he hasn't even stepped in it yet. I think I might have to leave the room."

Naomi imagined that Near was staring in blank horror at his lap top as he realized the full implications of what he had let happen. He had probably thought if he didn't offer assistance then he could just take the notebook for himself and that it would be no big deal because the Japanese task force was incompetent. He probably had thought of Mello back when they were buddies at the orphanage, probably thought he was better than Light and of course he wouldn't do anything stupid. He was probably now realizing that Mello was a transvestite mob boss who abused his ginger sex slave and that he had control of the notebook.

"L, I regret to inform you that I trust your incompetence perhaps less than I trust Mello. Rest assured we will retrieve the notebook…"

Light cut off Near before he could continue, "With what, a team of navy seals? Where do you think the notebook will end up after that? Because I can tell you, you get the government involved and it is not going to stay with you. You probably will only be able to glance at it for a grand total of two seconds before they just take it away for safe keeping. Also I'm not sure how much funding you can convince the CIA that you will be needing, the FBI is one thing but I am certain the CIA does not care about the Japanese mafia or your little magical notebook fantasy."

"I will retrieve it from them and I will find Kira…"

"Are you still going? I am impressed." Light said and whistled.

"And I will ensure that he reaches his execution…"

"Yes, because clearly the most troublesome thing is not that the greatest weapon ever created that could destroy all human life is in the hands an insane mafia stripper but that the relatively stable Kira is still kicking." Light looked at his companions and Naomi who had a raised eyebrow, "Isn't it nice to put things in perspective?"

Near didn't appear to know how to respond to the statement that Kira was a relatively stable person. So maybe he wasn't a chip off the old block, it's like someone gave him an L script for certain scenarios but whenever he came to a scenario that wasn't covered he faded into silence as he tried to think of what his WWLD bracelet would tell him. L would tell Light that his mouth was much better used at other things than talking, at least if they were in Matsuda's show he would. Or he would just say that his Kira percentage had been raised again.

"Are you always like this?" Near finally asked deciding to give up and throw out his L script for a brief moment only to dig through the trash later for it after he was done talking.

"No, I just didn't want to talk to you and was shoved in front of a computer so I'm making sure that my companions regret this so I never have to repeat this experience ever again. It's nothing personal, N. I'm just not a people person." Light smiled his charming smile and Naomi was sure that even though Near Necrophelia wasn't in the room he could see it too.

"You know, it's highly likely that you, L, Light Yagami, are Kira."

Light continued to smile, "Oh no, N, I couldn't possibly be Kira. If I was Kira and I found out where you lived from all the hints you've given me and tortured all those closest to you in order to find your identity then you my friend would be very dead very shortly. So it's a very good thing, my friend, that I am not Kira."

"…" Apparently Near's L script didn't have a response to that either.

"Very nice, Light-kun, couldn't have threatened better myself." L said quietly in the background so that Near could not overhear. Clearly he did not want Near thinking he was still alive through some bizarre twist of fate.

"It's very likely that you are Kira." Near repeated to which Light only shook his head and sighed.

"Is this the only conclusion you've managed to reach after four years? That's a little sad, N, but it's nice that you gave it your best. Now, if I were you, I would think that my time would be better spent getting that notebook back than arguing with a man who has no love for my existence. If you wait too long we might just get it back ourselves and then you would be back at square one."

"…"

Light smiled at the computer, "Isn't it nice to put things in perspective?"

"We'll talk later." N replied.

The N disappeared from the screen and Light's illegal activities were back on board. The team looked at Light. They had probably expected that much immaturity from L, not from Light, but then they realized that since Light was pretending to be L that it might have been intentional. Naomi just thought Light was taking advantage of the situation.

Matsuda looked a bit concerned, "Should you have really told him that, Light? I mean all that stuff, you weren't very nice. Also what if he does get the notebook? Then what do we do?"

"I don't think you have to worry about the notebook Matsuda." Naomi said, "I doubt his WWLD script has this scenario in it."

"His what?" Matsuda asked before Light responded to his first question.

"Please Matsuda, I get so very few chances to blatantly be manipulative let me enjoy my freedom." Light said surveying his nails and looking up with a smile.

And that's all Light had to say about that.

_I really wish we could kill Mello._

_I really do._

**Author's Note: Because if I was Light talking to Near that conversation would not go well at all. Thanks for reading and reviewing you guys are great. New reviews are also great. Keep at it team. I just realized that only LxLight fluff fics last for this many chapters and update this quickly. I have no idea how they do it. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**


	62. Chapter 62

"Yes, today I will be ordering quite a lot of crystal meth."

Those were L's first words to his neighbor Takeshi the heroin dealer. Naomi and Light were standing behind him each of them looking to the side wishing they hadn't been dragged into this. Naomi wasn't even sure why she was dragged into this situation, it had been so sudden, one moment she had been in L's sketchy apartment watching Light hack government satellites the next she was backing up L's drug deals.

Takeshi just stared at L as if he were the biggest idiot he had ever met. Finally he asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Ryuzaki, Takeshi is a heroin dealer. He doesn't sell meth." Naomi said slowly wishing she had just gone home instead. Home was so normal.

L decided to ignore Naomi and instead answered Takeshi's question, "No I'm not a cop, but he is." L pointed at Light who was looking more disgruntled by the minute.

Takeshi looked at Light and then back to L, "I thought you were trying to rape him."

"He is." Naomi said crossing her arms.

L looked taken aback that someone had guessed his plan so casually, "What gave you that idea?"

"He always enters and leaves exhausted at late hours looking like he's been drugged." Takeshi explained with a shrug.

"Yes, well, that's irrelevant I just want drugs." L said with a wave of his hand.

Takeshi turned his attention to Light who was still ignoring the entire situation, "Have you been watching what you drink, he's probably spiked everything you touch."

"I know he does, thank you for the advice." Light said still looking away but giving a slight nod to Takeshi.

Light was rather disgruntled because while Takeshi was a drug dealer he wasn't bad enough to justify murder on Light's part. Light didn't care so much about drugs as he did rape and murder, drugs were a hazy region for him. He didn't like drug dealers but he couldn't quite justify their murder unless they were murderers or rapists as well. That didn't mean he had to tolerate Takeshi for any large amount of time.

"Are you sure you aren't ordering roofies?" Takeshi asked L.

L appeared at a loss for words he looked to Light then looked to Naomi and then said, "No I just want something that will make me forget I was ever born."

Takeshi nodded, "The cop didn't see anything." He nodded to Light and Light shook his head. Takeshi's eyes narrowed, "When I deliver the cop takes some of it."

"…What?" Light asked.

"If this is painful for me it's painful for you." Takeshi said. Naomi was glad he hadn't noticed that Naomi was a cop too, Naomi really didn't want to take heroin.

"If I have to take some of it does it have to be meth, or heroin, I do not want to spend the rest of my days as an addict." Light glared from under his hair spelling out doom for those who dared to contradict him.

"Roofies." Takeshi said.

"Of course." Light added no doubt planning Takeshi's soon demise.

L clapped his hands together, "That's wonderful. I'm glad we've reached an agreement. Now can you write down the name of our contact, full name, and the place and time in which we will pick this up."

L grinned and watched as Takeshi condemned his go between to death in wobbily handwriting. Well, Naomi had to say L did get what L wanted. Light watched the paper with a sigh seeing his life as L's sex slave printed in ink on that piece of magical paper.

Poor Light. He may have been an evil bastard but even he didn't deserve that fate.

L put his hands into his pocket along with the slip of notebook paper looking very proud of himself. "I feel much better now, how about you, Light?" He looked at Light who had a blank look of concentration on his face. L frowned clearly he had wanted Light to be considering his future as L's sex slave not contemplating ways to get out of it.

"Fine, Ryuzaki, I feel fine." And Naomi knew that L was going to regret this moment, he might not die, but he would certainly regret it.

"Light, I think we can go now." Naomi said. Light slowly raised his head and looked at Naomi as if he had forgotten she was there. He probably had, whenever Light thought about something for a ridiculously long time he tended to ignore those around him unless they demanded immediate attention.

"Good, that's good." Light said looking at L and then donning a cheerful smile, "Yes, I think we should go. You go first Ryuzaki, we'll catch up later."

L then stopped and his eyes narrowed, "No, I don't think I will, Light-kun. Why don't you go first?"

"Naomi and I have things to discuss." Light said with that same cheerful grin that he hadn't worn in L's presence since when they had played tennis.

"Surely Light-kun can speak in front of me."

"Well if you insist, I just assumed you wouldn't be interested." Light shrugged, "Naomi how is your relationship with your son fairing these days? He seems so alone and friendless I can't help feeling that something should be done."

Naomi did not appreciate her son being used as a topic of conversation to get L to be disinterested enough to leave Light alone. Naomi glared and looked at L, if she didn't participate she'd have to deal with him glaring which was just as distasteful so she sighed and joined in.

"Sometimes I feel that Duck just doesn't know how to connect with people. It terrifies me to think he'll grow up alone in this world without anyone to connect to." Naomi wasn't quite as convincing of an actor as Light but what she said was true.

L was beginning to look rather bored and was realizing that until he left they would only talk about Naomi's son whom L cared nothing about. It was nice to take advantage of L's pure disinterest in children.

"Fine, you have ten minutes." L said and turned to walk down the hallway with hands in his pockets and hunched shoulders. He looked like a proud and wounded soldier walking away from the battlefield after witnessing a massacre. Naomi almost saluted.

Light immediately stopped talking and smiling and turned to Takeshi who had been standing rather awkwardly in his doorway waiting for Light and Naomi to leave. He wasn't quite as intimidating as Bubba which was in the end his death sentence, because even Bubba Light could have terrified with ease.

"The name of our contact isn't enough I'm afraid, I'll need your name as well." Light said coolly and Takeshi blinked in surprise.

"I thought Kira was only interested in names." Takeshi said and unfortunately for him he was right. Light smiled.

"Oh no, we police like them too. You see consider it blackmail in case something goes wrong with this little experiment of ours. I don't like the idea of being drugged. You don't like the idea of being dead. I think we're even." Light said and waited for Takeshi to respond.

Takeshi's eyebrows raised taking in Light's height, "What makes you think I'll tell you anything?"

Normally Light would have smiled and done something horrifying. However Light wasn't in a good mood so he wanted to speed the process up. After L's speech on Light's immediate future Light had bought himself a nice Taser and he appeared to think that the time for a trial run was now at hand. On the package it had said that it had enough volts to take down a fully grown bear.

Naomi looked down at the twitching man on the floor. He was rather red and incapable of speech. She looked over at Light with raised eyebrows, "Now he'll be sure to tell you."

Light shrugged, "I can always just bring Misa here one day, this was just more fun."

"It's not his fault L wants…"

Light interrupted her, "Don't even say it."

There was a moment of silence in which Takeshi rattled on the floor before Naomi said, "What did happen during the chain incident anyway?"

Light looked down at Takeshi, "Naomi you don't even want to know."

She probably didn't. It probably had a lot to do with showers and magic bath soap and L. That in itself was enough of an image to scar her for life.

Light kicked Takeshi on the floor and waited for him to get his breath back. "Well, now that we understand each other a little better what about that name?" Light asked cheerfully. Takeshi only stared up in horror and looked over to Naomi in equal amounts of horror.

If this was a child bullying video she'd be the evil bystander who did nothing as the poor fat kid was thrown in the dumpster. Just replace poor fat kid with heroin dealer and bully with serial killer and it was basically the same situation.

"Tttt-akeshi Hikaru!" He managed to stutter out finally. Light dead panned and stared looking down at Takeshi before saying, "Of course your name is Hikaru."

Naomi was getting the feeling that Matsuda's soap opera was everywhere. It had integrated itself with their universe and now their lives were beginning to reflect it in a new and more twisted way. Not that Light would ever want to hear that since it meant he would be having an affair with L and L's evil twin who had yet to make an appearance.

Light held out his hand, "We should go back, no doubt Near's left a phone message again and I'm supposed to answer it."

"You know one of these days he's going to tape your conversation and you will look like the most childish man on the planet." Naomi predicted as she took Light's hand and began to walk down the hallway towards L's dungeon.

"Good, then we'll never have another conversation." Light said.

"You're just annoyed that he got FBI funding."

"Yes."

"You don't even try to say it's something else?" Naomi questioned surprised at Light's strange honesty.

"He told a story about a magic notebook that kills people and got funding from the American government to intervene with a Japanese criminal. I couldn't have done that with a straight face. How the hell did anyone give him any money?" Light's fist curled.

"Maybe he's on a mission from God." Naomi said with a shrug. She was sure Near, if he knew, would have appreciated the words. That or he would have blandly told her he was an atheist bastard just like L was.

"How can he be, I haven't approved anything."

Light she felt, in the last four years, had somewhat lost touch with the concept of religion.

"Not you Light, the other God."

"Oh, I don't believe he exists." Light said after a moment or two of silence as they reached the door.

Naomi felt like pounding her head against the wall. Sometimes talking to Light about things like, religion, politics, and murder just got out of hand and turned into an ego fest. She really needed to talk to some normal people.

_One wonders what Watari was thinking_

**Author's Note: Rather short chapter but then the others have been unusually long recently. It's kind of nice to have a short chapter every once in a while. Makes it easier to write anyway. Thanks for the reviews and the reads more reviews are always great. Stay hip.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	63. Chapter 63

Naomi was getting really tired of dealing with L, Light, and L's wonderful successors. For the last three days she had to pretend that they were going to find Mello via Light's hacking abilities and that they were going to take the notebook from him even though he probably didn't have the notebook. Near also persisted in calling; he felt that he hadn't made enough of an impression and each time Light was shoved in front of the microphone he got worse.

It didn't help that L always conveniently had to do something else at the exact moment the gothic N showed up on the computer. It also didn't help that N refused to take no for an answer and that his digs for information were getting less subtle by the minute. It appeared that Near didn't really believe that they had just handed the notebook over to Mello. Light had just shrugged and said that if he was Kira like Near said then he wouldn't have really cared about human life in the first place so it didn't matter that they were all going to die because of a blonde transvestite terrorist.

Even Near believed that Kira would not sink that low.

Matsuda had been writing his soap opera in headquarters but that was also another story. Matsuda believed that in order to reach soap opera potential he would have to incorporate Y's missing twins, one good, one evil. Apparently Matsuda didn't care that there were already a set of twins, one good, one evil in the show. The more evil twins the merrier. So he had been taking dedicated notes and it was starting to get on Naomi's nerves. Not to mention that any time Light heard anything about Hikaru he exploded into cursing that he refused to be represented by a homosexual prostitute.

Whenever she did get home she tried to enjoy her time there. Not that she got much peace between Light, Duck and Raye but it was nice to pretend.

Naomi had been enjoying her moment of peace after not having to find L cookies and talk about Light's death or where the hell the notebook was. Really, the moment L's successors show up everything turns into a disaster. No one had bothered Light for years and now just because some transvestite appeared Naomi was volunteered by L to kill him. Her enjoyment had been expressed by slumping in a chair and looking at the wall. Not her most glamorous moment but certainly better than Hikaru Imagay strutting his way across Matsuda's notebook.

That's when Duck showed up and the moment was lost forever.

Duck looked at her, she looked at Duck. Neither of them spoke. Duck had something wrapped in many layers of plastic under his arm and looked at the fridge. He and the fridge had a nice staring match before he looked back to her. She hoped it wasn't some poor man's hand he had wrapped in plastic because then things could get awkward with Raye. Light, sadly, would not have been that surprised.

"Does that fridge have lead lining?" He asked. That was not what Naomi expected to hear. She had expected him to be either protesting the child draft again or begging to get out of the house even if it meant being put in the child labor camp. Duck was not excited to go to school. She wondered if television had informed him of what children were really like or if he shuddered at the idea of actually having to listen to an adult and pretend to be normal. She was fairly certain that he had never actually spoken with anyone close to his age. He was in for a shock.

"Erm, I don't think so." She said, "Does it really need to?" She had never before thought that her refrigerator might be a household menace bent on her destruction, why else would Duck care about the fridge?

"Well, do we have anything else lined with lead, several inches of lead?" He said looking down at the package he was holding warily.

"… Not that I know of." Naomi said looking at the package as well, "What is that?"

"…" Duck didn't talk for a few moments before looking at her, "I think we should buy a lead lined safe, or a bomb shelter, do you think the serial murderer could afford a bomb shelter?"

Duck moved the package out from under his arms and held it in front of him by the tips of his fingers watching it warily. If any other kid came in with a package and said the same things she would laughing thinking they were playing terrorist but with Duck she was legitimately worried he was playing terrorist.

Duck then looked up again and amended his statement, "Strike that Ted Bundy would never spend money without a threat to his life, do you think if I stick his face in a blender he will buy a bomb shelter?"

Naomi had a picture of Duck trying to stick Light's face in a blender and she realized again if anyone else had said that she would be laughing. If any other child threatened to play terrorist she wouldn't actually believe them.

"What is that thing you are carrying?" Naomi said slowly standing up from the table deciding whether or not she really wanted to touch it if Duck looked as if he didn't even want to touch it.

"I'm not really sure. I think it might be a portable nuclear reactor." Duck looked up and saw Naomi's expression, "Oh no, I didn't build it. Don't look at me. It's just that by looking at it and examining what it does I can't imagine that there is a way that its many nuclei are not the most unstable things to have ever existed in this universe."

Naomi's fears sank into her stomach and brewed there as her eyes grew even wider as she stared at the package. "Did you… Is that… Tell, me you didn't." It did look vaguely notebook shaped. Well it could have been anything for all she knew, notebook or severed hand either was plausible. Although why a severed hand would be radioactive and why Duck would have it was not something she wanted to think about.

"I didn't." Duck said holding the package farther away from himself, "But anything that can replicate a part itself infinitely and almost instantaneously has got to be very, very dangerous. Just so you know, it's a wonder he doesn't have cancer." Duck added.

Naomi stared blankly at Duck before saying, "Just so you know I am really hoping that you stole a body part from the Hulk rather than what I think you did." Naomi put her head in her hands and groaned. This was going to be… Well she didn't know for sure if Duck had stolen the notebook, he could have gotten his hands on some other magical possibly world-destroying item…

"Mother, please, I am not your idiot stalker." Duck said with while still staring with wide eyes at the carefully wrapped package. "I did not do what you think I did. This is a very different potentially world destroying item I happened to find on the side of the road." Duck paused and looked at her clearly seeing that she didn't buy a word of it, that might have gotten him off the hook with Raye but Raye wasn't home and that was probably a good thing.

Light was referred to as an idiot by a four year old who believed that the magical notebook would give him cancer. That was new.

The silence wore on as both Naomi and Duck stared at the bundle.

"According to the latest Indiana Jones movie you can survive a nuclear explosion in a lead lined fridge; I don't think it will explode… Unprovoked…" Duck said slowly.

She also didn't like the idea of exploding notebooks.

"You do realize that if L or Kira were to find out they would kill you." Naomi stated bluntly staring at Duck with a penetrating gaze.

Duck blinked and Naomi decided to clarify further.

"If Light finds out he'll probably kill you. However he might keep you around as a pawn and use you to reach his ultimate goal of creating a cult civilization in which he's god. That means that if you don't find yourself drowning in a swimming pool you'll find yourself brainwashed and tortured and then thinking nothing at all." Naomi said with her arms crossed envisioning the future cult of Light.

"I thought you were friends with Light." Duck said blinking his wide grey eyes.

"I'm not delusional, I know he's an evil bastard, I just happen to be friends with him. Don't ask, I don't really know how it happened." Naomi added at Duck's puzzled look. When she looked back on it she didn't really think it made sense either. By all rights she should have been Light's brainwashed slut, but that was in a universe that made sense and wasn't run by clowns.

Naomi decided to continue instead.

"If L finds you that's a whole different story. L won't kill you but he will tie you to a chair and leave you there to rot for fifty days and then pretend to execute you only to leave you alive so that the government can perform nasty experiments on you. He probably won't give you a trial but instead will leave you in a mental institution or have you killed off by thugs. Then he'll steal your name and use it as yet another detective name and that will be the end of that." Naomi brushed her hands together and looked at Duck and his package.

"Why do you work for these people?" Duck asked finally.

"Sometimes even I don't remember." Naomi replied but then continued to say, "Duck, if you get caught by either of them your life will be hell."

"This has nothing to do with them." Duck said with a shrug, "Just because I say I pick up a portable nuclear reactor does not mean I pick up their portable nuclear reactor. The fact that Kira exists at all means that we know a lot less than we thought we did about the universe, there can be more than one ridiculously powerful item in this universe."

Naomi's eyes narrowed, "Probably true, but guess which dangerous magical item is the most accessible."

"Not the one in police custody. Something abandoned on the side of the road is far easier to get a hold of." Duck scoffed. He looked like he wanted to fold his arms as well but was too afraid to get the package close enough to his body but also to afraid to drop it in fear that it might explode.

"Duck, you and I both know the task force is incompetent. You would have no problem getting past our very minimal defenses in order to get anything. Besides you already knew that one magical item existed, what's the luck that you would run across a second magical thing…" She was wondering why she was avoiding the term notebook since Duck clearly knew all about the Kira case anyway. Probably just habit, like calling L Ryuzaki, it wasn't really necessary they all just did it because they had been doing it for so long.

"Not my luck, yours. Let's face it mother, if anyone is going to get cancer from an incredibly potent weapon of mass destruction it would be you."

He did have a point there. A very large glaring point. She held up her finger to make a point but unfortunately that was the time Light decided to make his entrance after having entertained Misa for several hours.

"Misa loves Light, don't forget about the movie next week! And the next week!" Misa's voice bubbled through the door causing both Duck and Naomi to glare at the wood just waiting for the moment she would spring her attack and enter Naomi's house.

Duck wasn't a huge fan of Misa either believing her to be the first of Light's fanatic apostles (religious leader by day prostitute by night) who would one day turn the Kira case into a cult. He was probably right but at the moment Misa was still an actress/model and not a priestess so Naomi was fine with her presence.

Not to mention Misa's constant attention to Light distracted Light from bothering Naomi. Not significantly but enough to free up Naomi's afternoons every once in a while.

Light didn't even bother to say anything anymore he just opened the door looking miserable. He looked at Duck who was still holding the package as far as possible from his body and Naomi who was sitting at the kitchen table looking very tired and terrified. He sighed.

Light tried to slam the door behind him but it got stuck on Misa's foot. Duck's eyebrows raised as he expected Misa to shriek in pain, Naomi winced. Misa however didn't even seem to notice; such was the pain of true love.

"Why does Light have to live with that stupid bitch anyway?" Misa asked very loudly following Light into the apartment, "She has such bad taste."

Misa then glared at Naomi and sniffed. Clearly Misa had not left the woes of the Yotsuba incident behind her.

"Hi Misa, it's good to see you too." Naomi waved slightly turning her attention slowly away from Duck.

Misa just ignored Naomi. It must not have gone well, Misa only ignored Naomi when Light refused to participate or even pretend to fake interest in her.

Light sighed and ignored Misa as well looking at Naomi and asking, "Is there anything in the fridge or am I going to have to go out to eat?"

"I thought you did go out to eat." Naomi said not wanting to mention that she had just been discussing the refrigerator's future with Duck.

Light began to shuffle through the fridge, opening various drawers and frowning, all the while not even bothering to turn around and look at Naomi when he spoke with her. He looked at Misa when he talked to her, he even got that charming twinkle in his eye. Naomi just got a nice view of his backside as he dove into the fridge in search of food. Nice to know that Light had his priorities.

"Naomi, models don't eat. They absorb nutrients simply by looking at a slice of carrot and a piece of lettuce." Light said, "So there isn't anything in the fridge… Damn. We're going out to eat, leave the curtain here." Light said waving his hand.

Misa frowned at Light, "I thought Light said he liked French food!" Then she appeared to realize that the more she criticized Light the more likely he was to leave her so she ran in front of him, "We can go out again! No more French food! Just Light and Misa and…"

"Light, I can't leave Duck alone. He's four!" Naomi interjected because she could see from Light's reaction that Light's Misa quota had been filled for the week.

Light looked at Duck taking in the package again before saying, "He'll be fine."

The fact that Duck claimed he had a weapon of mass destruction trapped between his fingertips did not reassure her. Duck simply glared at Light probably plotting his murder via blender at a later date.

"He's four!" Naomi repeated, if it had been anyone else they would have agreed that those two words were a valid argument but sadly Light didn't appear to care.

"See how selfish she is! Misa would never say no to Light! Light could take her to any restaurant and she wouldn't care at all…" Misa trailed off as she realized Light wasn't even looking at her but instead glaring at Naomi.

"You are coming with me, we are going to eat, and the curtain is not coming. Where the hell is that useless husband of yours when you need him?" Light asked looking accusingly at the door.

Raye was following another high school student. Since he was still technically working for L the great detective had been assigning him menial tasks to perform. He had been assigned to follow the new "Kira Suspect" a fourteen year old girl and he was only just beginning to realize that maybe L was pulling his strings. Naomi had decided that he didn't really want to know the truth.

"Light, I am not your puppet. I'm not leaving my only child alone in the house just so that you can eat food!" Naomi screamed at the end of the sentence.

The room fell silent and Naomi could practically feel Misa's smirk. She probably thought this, combined with the fact that Naomi was wearing all black again, would be a complete turn off for Light and that he'd finally move in with her.

Light folded his arms and then finally turned his attention to Misa. His charming woman-seducing smile began to make its way on his face and Naomi had a terrible feeling about what was coming next.

"Misa, I'm sorry about tonight. I've had a long day." He said still smiling turning to her completely and taking her in his arms.

Duck and Naomi just looked at each other.

"Light…" Misa said her eyes getting that glazed look that usually was accompanied by some horrible request on Light's part. Naomi was glad she had never sunk to those depths. Light may have been attractive but even he wasn't _that_ attractive.

"If you could do one favor for me tonight I promise tomorrow will be better." Light pulled her back to look at her, "I need you to watch that bitch Misora's little boy for her, so that I can eat food. I'll be back later and we can go back to your apartement…"

Well, Naomi knew where that sentence was ending up. She coughed slightly not even wanting to point out that her name was not "that bitch Misora" because interrupting Light when he was woman fishing was never a good idea.

Duck looked at Naomi and said, "I think it deserves an eight. It was a great introduction but the actual request was sloppily handled only roughly covered up with a promise for sex."

Misa stared at Duck in shock and Duck's eyebrows raised slightly. Light just glared at looked somewhat discontented.

Naomi intervened, "Duck, remember when I said that there are some things you don't mention until you're at least fourteen. This is one of those things."

"Right. You're not actually going to leave Ted Bundy's fanatic prophet in charge, are you? Talk about brainwashing, you leave her in charge and by the time you get back all your money will be donated to Kira's cause and we'll be moving to Jonestown." He added.

Misa stared at Duck as if he were the devil and looked at Light in horror to see his reaction to a four year old knowing his most dreaded secret. Light just sighed and continued to look at Naomi for her decision.

Naomi looked at Light and shrugged, "No dice. I trust her less, no offense Misa, around my children than I do you." Naomi paused and decided it was a good point to bring up Light's situation in her house, "Speaking of which, why don't you move in with Misa?"

Misa's mouth opened, "What?" She cried. Misa had been under the impression that she and Naomi were mortal enemies and that Naomi was the evil skank who had stolen her man. She didn't know how wrong she was.

Light didn't appear to be reacting so she decided to go into detail.

"Let's face it Light, this whole living in my house thing is getting a little old. Not to mention it's really creepy, you're descending to Ryuzaki's level. Soon it will be handcuffs, Light." Naomi really just wanted to have some alone time and if she needed to get Light out of the house to do it so be it.

Light's smile darkened and he got that murderous glint in his eye, "If you can suggest I do that in good conscious then I suppose there's nothing I can do, it must be time..."

Naomi felt herself frown as she remembered that a sane slightly unhappy Light living at her house was far better than an insane miserable Light living with only Misa being forced into sex with his Gothic Lolita priestess on a daily basis. Light had in his possession a weapon, that if he so chose it, could wipe out all of humanity. If Light became so depressed that he saw no point in anyone living he could resort to terrible things. She would be responsible for the end of human life. There would be nothing left but plague ridden corpses, all because she had forced Light to move in with Misa against his will.

Light's smile turned into a smirk as he saw that she realized the implications of that very serious decision.

"So, dinner?" Light asked with a grin holding out his arm for her to take, Naomi just stared. So it was going to be one of those days.

Naomi decided that there was only one thing to do. She grabbed Duck's hand causing him to drop the package which he hastily picked up and she began to drag him out the door.

"Where are we going?" He asked in a somewhat panic stricken voice.

"Clearly being by yourself isn't good for you. Duck, you are now five and transferring into kindergarten."

"Is that legal? Also won't schools be closed, it is eight o'clock at night." Duck looked very apprehensive apparently he had watched too much television for his own good and probably thought he would be shoved in a trash can or a locker as soon as he got there.

"Damn the schools!" Naomi said and Duck surprisingly did not have anything to say after that.

And that was how Naomi dealt with the possibility of world destruction, cancer, and very bored children in one moment. Three pigeons, only one stone thrown.

_Why is there no food in the fridge?_

_Also Mello left a message on voice mail_

_He's somewhat upset after realizing that he in fact does not have the notebook_

_Apparently he blames you._

**Author's Note: Happy Valentines day everyone. As this is a romcom, technically, I figured I had to do the V-day update. Is there any more fluff than there was the last chapter, no, I didn't go that far. In other news reviewers are great, reading is great, this is so long and ridiculous it's almost a troll. Thanks to everyone, keep at it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	64. Chapter 64

They never made it to the school. Or at least, Naomi never managed to find the principal and manage to convince him that Duck needed to be in a school at the age of four to finish half the year instead of just waiting. In retrospect it was a doomed effort from the start. Whenever she made any progress in anything the universe always intervened. It had been a while since the universe had last intervened.

Naomi just had to wonder, yet again, what petty god she had managed to offend in her relatively short life.

They had made it instead to outside of the school where Bubba waited. Naomi blinked because the setting just didn't look right. Maybe it was seeing a mob thug loitering in front of an elementary school at eight o' clock or maybe it was just the fact that she was having the vague feeling that she was about to be kidnapped again.

Bubba nodded at her.

Naomi wasn't sure what to say, hello, maybe. She stared for a moment and decided if her life was going to be this weird she might as well get over it and just treat it as if it was normal.

"You know, you could have just called." Naomi said grabbing Duck's hand causing Duck's eyebrows to raise.

Bubba nodded again. He still didn't talk much apparently, she didn't even really know his name and had been trying to avoid using one in case the word Bubba came out instead.

"…Does Mello have a message?" Naomi asked after a little bit causing Duck to look up at her.

"This man works for Mello?" Duck asked in a somewhat skeptical voice. Probably comparing Bubba to the mental image he had managed to work up of Mello thus far.

"Mello requests your presence… Again." Bubba said with a sigh. So it was going to be one of those days.

Naomi felt her eyebrows lower and her gaze darken. If she was looking in a mirror it was probably Light's slightly annoyed face that she was wearing at the moment. Even in her worst moments she didn't thinks she could rival Light's rage face but his annoyance was still terrifying.

Bubba didn't budge an inch.

Naomi sized up Bubba and sighed. He was probably right. Even if she did manage to kick him in the face it probably wouldn't do anything. Coperia be damned Naomi knew her limits. Not to mention if Duck got caught in the crossfire terrible things were bound to happen.

(If she was Light though she probably good have gotten out of the situation just by looking at him.)

"I'm guessing since you're talking to me you aren't going to use a rock this time." Naomi said and then looked at Duck, "You better go home, Duck."

"You're going to be kidnapped just like that? That's pathetic!"

"Hey! He's three times my size, beating the shit out of Mello or Beyond Birthday is one thing but this would just be ridiculous." Naomi put her hands on her hips, "I had a clear advantage in those fights, their arms were noodles, this guy is a monolith, I can't budge that thing. Unless you think that you could handle him any better!"

"You're the one who's supposed to be the muscle!" Duck pointed out, "If you get kidnapped again that means I have to stay with Raye and with Light and I don't know how long I can take that for without getting cabin fever! They're both so unbearable, can't have a decent conversation with either. I'd kill them both if our house wasn't crawling with the NPA's homicide division!"

Homicide apparently was genetic.

"Try not to say that in front of the homicide division." Naomi said offhandedly. "They may be incompetent when it comes to catching Kira but they're not that incompetent."

Bubba surveyed Duck carefully looking surprisingly unsurprised at the fact that a four year old knows the word homicide and cabin fever. He looked back to Naomi and pulled out a gun, "I'm being paid a lot of money to do this."

Naomi sighed and began to walk toward her kidnapping doom. "If your boss touches me he will die."

Bubba nodded briefly. He probably was counting on that.

Naomi held out her hands so that the rope and blindfold could descend. She had the terrible feeling that this was going to be the running gag of her life. Duck looked at her stunned his eyes widening and his mouth dropping.

"You aren't seriously going to leave me here! Alone! With Kira!" Duck screamed out each statement looking more and more desperate.

"Light will behave himself, you'll be fine. Just call Raye and tell him I've been kidnapped… again." Each time she said it it became an even more pathetic and humiliating statement.

Kidnapped by Mello and his cronies, twice. Gun in her neck or not she really hoped that no one ever found out about this ever. Or if they did she hoped they assumed she was kidnapped by aliens for dissection purposes instead. Aliens and probing were better than Mello any day.

"You can't leave me here!" Duck held his hands to his head and rushed to Naomi grabbing her waist. "Don't leave me here alone with… them!" He pointed behind him in spite of the fact that no one was there.

"It's not like I'm doing this for fun. Please, I'd much rather just go home to but I have a gun at the back of my head and I don't feel like dying today." Naomi hadn't felt like dying yesterday either but that was beside the point.

Duck's face was now covered in tears. He was taking this all very personally she was beginning to wonder what Light did to him to make him so very traumatized. She wasn't actually sure she'd seen him melt down before. Duck had been a frighteningly emotionally stable toddler and to see him have a meltdown (especially now that he owned a weapon of mass destruction) was not reassuring.

"You don't know what it's like!" Duck screamed, "Raye is so oblivious that he allows a mass murderer to live in his house and order him around and he doesn't even notice when the guy hits on his wife!"

Naomi raised an eyebrow and decided to object on Raye's behalf, "You are related to him you know. Some of these flaws might be inherited."

"There is no way in hell that man is my father and we both know it! You just put up with him for pretense so you don't have to admit the fact that the only normal person you know didn't even bother to have sex with you!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

Both Bubba and Duck looked at her and the dark silence that descended above her. She tried to smile weakly. It didn't really worked so she stopped and resumed glaring.

Not that Naomi cared that Duck knew that Raye wasn't his real father it was glaringly obvious once you looked at his personality and not his adorable face. She thought that Light would have figured it out but it seemed that he didn't want to admit it. Like the fact that there were television shows that worshipped him and that he was insane, he didn't admit that either.

Duck looked rather shaken but then brushed the dirt off of his pants and continued with his original thread of conversation.

"That's without even bringing up Yagami Light. If ever a person could actually be described with the words demonic and evil it's him. Leave him alone for ten minutes and the world will be worshipping him as a new god slaughtering goats at his feet. I am not going to be the altar boy who wipes up the goat's blood afterwards!" Duck finished by crossing his arms and looking away.

It was ironic that they both thought that the other was the devil yet refused to consider themselves as evil.

"…Duck, I really don't see how I can help with this." Naomi said slowly.

"You can't." Duck said still looking away, "I guess this means I'll just have to come with you."

Naomi blinked as he turned and smiled at her holding his thumb up, "Okay let's go!" He looked just like a cheerful little boy.

"You want to be kidnapped by a British transvestite mob boss terrorist?" Naomi asked.

"Not particularly, but anything's better than this hell hole."

Bubba shrugged and grabbed Duck's hands and began to drag him behind as he kept Naomi walking at gun point around the corner to where the unmarked white van with tinted windows waited. She had been expecting it to be spray-painted fuchsia but she guessed that Mello wasn't driving it so he didn't care what it looked like.

They were both thrown in the back the doors immediately locking. At least they hadn't been tied up or drugged, that was a plus. She guessed Bubba figured that even if they were that desperate Naomi would know better than to try to claw her way out of a locked trunk at 80 mph. Better to just wait and beat the shit out of Mello later.

She and Duck sat in thoughtful silence for a few moments.

"Well, mother, look on the bright side. Now you won't have to deal with Ryuzaki for about a week." Duck said after they had hit a speed bump and nearly crashed into the ceiling.

Naomi suddenly remembered that they had been in the middle of testing the not real notebook and that Light was going to be drugged by L. If she wasn't there to make sure nothing terrible happened Light could reach a new level of insanity and forget all his qualms about destroying the earth.

Leave it to Mello to kidnap her at the most inconvenient time possible.

Naomi felt herself grinding her teeth unconsciously as they hit every bump in the road. If she was right about L then she couldn't just wait for them to give Mello another fake notebook. Besides Mello might actually test the fake notebook this time and then they'd all be screwed. She would have to escape.

If she didn't L would probably just leave her there and claimed that he felt no need to rescue her since they had given Mello what he wanted already. That was police dirty work: far below the standards of the great impoverished detective. Light could probably handle himself but even he couldn't avoid the descent into madness that would inevitably come with prolonged exposure to Matsuda and L at the same time.

That clammy bastard!

She could hear him now: "Oh Naomi-chan, so good of you to come back. Now can you go away again I was just getting a great view of Light's backside…. What's that? Why does he have blood all over his hands and clothing? Well let's just say the roofies experiment went swimmingly."

Duck was right, she probably shouldn't be working for these people. If she left though that left Matsuda in charge of morals and he was too much of an idiot to be counted on for anything. Particularly preventing world destruction.

"Duck," Naomi said, "Remind me when we get there that Mello's head belongs on a spike outside of headquarters. Just to remind L of his mortality."

"Sounds messy." Duck pointed out.

"Oh it will be." Naomi cracked her knuckles. Poor Mello, he really didn't know what was coming. He brought this on himself though. Naomi imagined that she looked something like L did when Light was incarcerated, full of evil glee. It probably wasn't good for her.

Duck interrupted her bout of snickering, "You know if it's this personal why don't you just quit?"

"I can't quit, if I quit now we'll all die!"

"You can join up with me." Duck mentioned casually, "I be the brains you be the man power we assassinate Yagami Light, problem solved."

Naomi was rather disappointed that her own son was trying to manipulate her so blatantly. She thought she taught him to at least pretend he had better morals.

"You know on his better days Light is a somewhat nice person." Naomi couldn't believe she was having to defend Light's honor for him to a four year old. If someone had told her that she would be doing that four years earlier she would have laughed in their face.

"Yes and on better days Stalin wasn't starving his peasants."

"He's not quite dictator level yet."

"Is murderous ruler of a semi-religious cult good enough for you?" Duck asked.

"Come on, even Light doesn't approve of Demegawa! That guy prances for the cash not the glory! If it was in Light's control he'd probably be face down in a gutter right now."

Duck just stared at her as if she had reached the level of Matsuda's intelligence. Then he began to laugh hysterically and didn't stop until five minutes later. It was very Light-like she could almost see Light overlapped onto him in the same position.

"Naomi, I'll be frank. Assassination is the only answer. We both know Kira will never reach trial and should never reach trial alive but no one but you and I have the balls to do it. I've refrained until now because he is your friend and you would be upset but if you do change your mind well… Even you have to admit it's a golden opportunity." Duck smiled cheerfully and clapped his hands together and looked like one of the darnedest kids.

Well if she ever needed conformation that her son was Light's son this was it. He had officially inherited the evil gene. Light was right. Duck was evil.

She felt her mouth open but no words come out as she tried to reevaluate her feelings. Nope they weren't really changing. She had probably known he was evil the whole time because well he had been evil the whole time, not like he tried to hide it. Wasn't that much of a shock. Nope. Not at all.

"Why is everyone I know obsessed with death?" Naomi asked instead she looked over to the drivers' seat and cocked her head wondering how to ask Bubba if he was afraid of death without saying the name Bubba. Never good to call the giant man who could beat you to a pulp Bubba.

Duck shrugged in response to her question.

"So, where do you think we'll find Mello?" He asked to change the topic.

"Maybe we'll end up in L.A. again." Naomi mused.

Duck groaned, "That's where Raye is from, that means I'll have to meet the grandparents. They're probably just as terrible as he is." He put his face in his hands, "And here I thought I was going to avoid him."

Naomi hadn't actually talked to her in laws all that much. She knew they vaguely disapproved of her but she was certain they had no idea what she was really doing. Probably thought she was too masculine being an FBI agent. She remembered the family dinner she had with them; almost as awkward as Matsuda writing Light as L's gay lover in his soap opera. No, she wouldn't be thrilled to see the in-laws either.

"Relax, I am not about to be kidnapped so I can see the in-laws."

Duck stared at her with a confused expression but she decided against elaboration. She was too busy bracing herself for a Mello-marathon.

_You know _

_This kidnapping business is getting old fast_

_Could you punch him in the face for me?_

**Author's Note: Well, Bubba's back. I still say this makes more sense than the original Sayu gets kidnapped arc. Anyway, thanks to readers and reviewers you guys are awesome. Reviews are always appreciated. And I still have no idea when this will end. Hopefully before 100 chapters because that would just be pathetic. Even I know my limits. **


	65. Chapter 65

After much sitting in the back of a van being driven god knows where wondering if she was going to be slaughtered like a pig along with her son and just praying to God that Light didn't do anything drastic and world altering they arrived at Mello's new hideout.

They were actually in Japan, which was a plus since if she had to suffer through another flight with Ryuk she'd kill herself. As far as she could tell they weren't even that far outside of Tokyo. Mello may have belonged with the Japanese mafia but even he could put a little more priority to hiding from L and the gang.

After being dragged out of the van the first voice she heard just made her remember what she was in for.

"So you came crawling back, you Kira-loving whore!"

Yeah, Naomi missed Mello a lot.

Naomi and Duck were placed by Bubba before his royal leather wearing highness in what looked like another time machine to the eighties, back when leather looked good and disco was only just beginning to die. He had made a new outfit for himself with a gun holster in the front, and she wondered just who told him that was a good idea especially when his pants were made of shiny red leather. Mello wasn't even looking at her; he was sitting in his throne looking to the side.

Naomi sighed and shook her head, "Mello, you kidnapped me."

Mello ignored this point and laughed as if he thought he was as terrifying as Light. He then turned and looked down at her as if he was Light and this should be terrifying. It was rather sad actually, that he was that delusional.

"You should have joined me when you had the chance!" Mello said turning his head, "Because I'm not responsible for any of the shit that happens to…" Mello trailed off as he noticed the four year old boy in the too-large yellow sweater staring at him with big grey eyes.

Duck smiled cheerily and waved looking up at Naomi and saying in a more high-pitched voice than usual, "Look, mommy, his pants are tighter than yours!" He giggled afterwards causing Mello's jaw to drop farther.

Naomi squeezed his hand and whispered out of the side of her mouth, "Now, Duck, you and I have already had a talk about provoking mentally unstable individuals…"

Mello's head whipped to Bubba, "Hey! What's with the midget?"

Bubba shrugged.

Duck decided to fill in for him losing the little boy charade as he did so, "Would you have stayed alone in a house with Kira for weeks? Don't blame your henchman, even if he hadn't taken me along I still would have come."

"What?" Mello's head whipped again and Naomi was beginning to wonder what that was going to do to his neck.

Duck just stared back at him cocking his head as he did so. He looked like one of those twins in the Shining standing before the elevator right before the blood poured out…

Naomi shrugged and tried to explain without bringing in the fact that Light was his father and that the notebook had probably warped his personality and his brain, "This is my son, Duck."

Mello looked blankly at her, he must have forgotten the fact that she had already told him about Duck. Perhaps his first rational reaction since she had been claiming that her four year old son was terrifying.

"You must be Mello, right; pleased to make your acquaintance. I believe both the United States and the Japanese militaries are looking for you." Duck said with a smile and a wave.

Mello scoffed, "Looking for me? What would those bastards want with me?"

Naomi almost felt like hitting her head against a wall, she had forgotten that Mello was something of an idiot. Duck just smiled as if he had found a very interesting new play-thing.

"You did launch a rocket from their soil to Japan. That sounds awfully like terrorism to me." Duck said looking at Mello with raised eyebrows, "But if you think Kira is your only problem that's perfectly fine, just don't blame me when the CIA assassinates you."

Naomi wondered if they did have an Operation Mongoose for Mello, she would really like to see him in radioactive leather pants. For the pain, not the pants… God, that thought did not come out the way she thought it would; good thing she didn't say it out loud.

Mello's face was getting steadily redder as he failed to realize he was entering an argument with a boy who was barely older than a toddler, "If the USA knew what was good for them they'd be assassinating Kira instead! It's not my fault the country's run by stupid bitches who can't even recognize the real enemy!"

Naomi decided to interrupt, "Kira may think he's God and that he's justified to kill thousands but he's relatively stable. He's set very clear standards for himself and hasn't strayed from them too often. I mean if you think about it Kira has mostly stuck to his diet of murderers and rapists as much as we like to criticize and call him a hypocrite he isn't really one…" Naomi paused and thought that over, "That being said he is an evil bastard who thinks he's God, he's just not as much of a hypocrite as we think he is. Kira's not going anywhere, at least in the USA's eyes, so it makes far more sense to hunt you down and poison your chocolate bars."

"They did what to my chocolate?" Mello shrieked his head whipping to Bubba. Bubba shrugged. Mello became extremely pale and looked as if he was about to purge himself a couple hours too late.

"Let's cut to the chase Mello, what the hell am I doing here?" Naomi asked distracting Mello from sticking his finger down his throat.

"What do you think you're doing here you dumb bitch? Your asshole superiors never delivered my notebook!"

That solved that problem. Mello really didn't have the notebook; Light wasn't lying. She wasn't really surprised by that just somewhat relieved and frustrated at the fact that Duck probably had it. That was almost worse than Mello, even though Duck was infinitely more stable.

Naomi had guessed that he would eventually catch on but the fact that his only way to deal with not having the notebook was through kidnapping was rather sad. He should have kidnapped Misa, technically she was Goddess of the New World as Light had said back in the day, Naomi was just secretary. (The added bonus of Misa tearing Mello apart just made that option far more appealing.)

"I told you that would happen, did you really think that Light would give you the notebook just like that." Naomi snapped her fingers, "Even if you did kidnap his sister, let's face it, he knew you were stupid enough to take the notebook without testing it."

Mello smiled then and laughed, "But now I have you!"

The self-esteem crushing point was that he really believed that would make a difference. It was at that point that Naomi realized her closest friend was a serial killer who crashed at her house and tormented her son and husband.

Naomi sighed and felt herself getting very depressed. "Honestly, Mello, I doubt they'll rescue me." That is, the normal people wouldn't rescue her, Light might. Light might do something horrible, but it didn't have the same feeling as being rescued by someone normal like Ide.

Mello's smile fell slightly before reasserting itself, "You can lie all you want but it won't make any difference. I will get the notebook and put an end to your lover!"

"Kira isn't my lover." Naomi interjected. Mello ignored her.

Mello looked up toward the ceiling as if he was having a very important conversation with God. The rest of the room waited in anticipation for Mello to speak, to draw inspiration from the heavens, to come up with something truly brilliant…

"You were supposed to be a spy for me but you turned that down, so now we're doing things the hard way!" Mello said cracking his knuckled. So saith the prophet Mello, British Japanese gangster for life.

Duck looked up and Naomi and asked, "Mother, what the hell is he talking about?"

"Wait, is this about you hitting on me the last time I was here? You thought that would get me to spy for…" Naomi trailed off as the relief that Mello was still homosexual hit her, the last thing she had needed was another stalker. She began to laugh in relief, "Oh thank god, I thought you were serious!"

That was not the reaction Mello wanted.

Mello seethed quite visibly after that comment before yelling, "What made you think I would actually want you, whore? Not only did you sell your soul to Kira but you're also really old!"

It was at that point that Naomi noticed that Matt was standing next to Mello's throne playing his Nintendo DS. She had just glanced over him earlier and was only now noticing him. Despite his clothing that made him look like a drunk colorblind Russian he had this tendency to blend into the background. She had only noticed him because he looked somewhat relieved too, and that had confused her because she couldn't actually imagine anyone wanting Mello.

Poor Matt, she wondered what he had done to deserve the fate of being Mello's lover or forever being the wallpaper. His past life must have been terrible.

Duck coughed to drag the attention back to him, "As interesting as it is to know that you once tried to manipulate my mother through sex I would like to move onto a more pressing issue."

Mello's head whipped to Duck again, "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this kid?" Mello finally asked.

Duck just glared while Naomi shrugged and looked pointedly away. When Naomi continued to look at her blankly she decided to give a simple explanation, "He's a twenty five year-old man trapped in a four year-old's body." Naomi left out the part that he was the twenty five year-old version of Light Yagami trapped in a four year-old's body. More specifically a twenty five year-old version of Light when he was Kira trapped in a four year-old body.

"Is that the scientific term?" Duck asked.

Naomi looked down at Duck, "Do you want me to take you to therapy to find out what the scientific term is?"

"No thank you, I think that's unnecessary."

Naomi wondered if he meant knowing the scientific term or going to therapy. If she was as worried as she should have been he probably belonged in therapy, but she had bigger fish to fry.

Duck turned back to Mello who was looking stunned at the way Naomi talked to Duck as if he was a normal person. The trick to talking with Duck was superimposing the image of Light Yagami on top of him and then it was no problem treating him as if he was very dangerous and very intelligent.

"As different as our sides may be in this war we do share a common goal. The elimination of one Yagami Light and the threat Kira poses to this world." Duck said, "After all the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so let's be friends Mello and you'd be surprised what we could get done."

"… Did the four year old just say he wants to kill Kira?" Mello asked Matt next to him, Matt nodded still concentrating on Final Fantasy IV.

What was Duck getting himself into now? Apparently he really did want to declare war on Light. Why did she have the terrible feeling that their rivalry would destroy the world?

Naomi sighed, "Duck, I know you hate Light but this is a bit too far." She said while Mello was staring at Duck dumbfounded, "Besides how useful could he be to you anyway?" She nodded at Mello.

Duck smiled, "I'm not interested in his advice or his ideas." He waved his hand over to Mello, "No, I have a much better use for Mello than that."

"What did you say?" Mello asked in anger, probably affronted by the idea that a four year old was planning on manipulating him or the fact that Naomi had questioned his usefulness.

"Light Yagami is very intelligent, let's not delude ourselves. If we are ever to defeat him we are going to need to pull his attention in multiple directions before we strike. You, Mello, provide excellent distractions."

"Did you just call me a distraction you stunted midget?"

"Yes, you are nothing more than a distraction to Light. You mildly annoy him at best. If you were to become anything more than a mild annoyance he would crush you. As it is he is already planning your death, he would just try a little harder to see his goal accomplished."

"He's planning what?"

Duck blinked, "Surely, this isn't a surprise? You did kidnap his sister and one of his only friends. What did you think would happen?"

Mello stepped down from his throne and confronted Naomi and Duck, "I thought I would have his goddamn notebook!"

"Well since that worked so well last time I'm sure you'll succeed." Duck said shaking his head.

"Damn right I'll succeed!" Mello said before looking over at Bubba and nodding his head to the door, "I'm done with these fools, I have a notebook to catch."

Naomi felt her arms grabbed from behind. She sighed. She hoped this didn't last that long because she wasn't sure how much of Mello she could handle at a time. Naomi wondered if she should tell Mello that he was an idiot for thinking that he could get anything from Light and that he was entering a very dangerous game. She decided not to, better he figure it out on his own.

So Naomi found herself tied to a chair with Duck at her back, experiencing severe déjà vu. Luckily, Duck didn't whine nearly as much as Sayu. He schemed instead.

"This is going splendidly!"

And with that Naomi knew things were going to get much worse.

_To Mello,_

_You truly do have a one-track mind._

_I told you last time I would not negotiate;_

_I'll tell you the same again._

_This time my colleagues agree_

_And if they don't agree I will shoot them behind the chemical shed._

_Instead I plan to ambush your base,_

_Burn down your facilities,_

_Murder everyone inside,_

_And rescue the princess while blowing off half your face._

_How does that sound?_

_Always remember Mello,_

_You brought this on yourself._

**Author's Note: If this at all resembles anything with a clear plot and lesson to be learned I can't see it anymore. I don't believe I've reached the level of the "Mello is a fairy" crack fiction or "L gets Light Yagami pregnant!" those are slightly more predictable than this. All I'm missing now is kittens, because there are always cats in crack fiction. Anyway, thank you readers you are wonderful your reviews are wonderful. Reviews are always welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	66. Chapter 66

It turned out that even Duck could get bored of sitting tied to a chair in a room with a single light bulb after six hours or so. Naomi thought that even Mello would have the decency to move them somewhere else later, being tied to a chair was getting old, not to mention her back was killing her.

The shift had changed again and Matt the wallpaper was in the room watching over them through green goggles like a hawk. Ah, Matt, he clearly was the best of guards Mello had in his regiment. He and his noodle like arms, his short attention span, and his ability to blend into his surroundings even in bizarre clothing made him the perfect option for intimidating Naomi.

"Well, I think I'm ready to leave." Duck said looking up and over his shoulder in expectation of a miracle.

"When I figure out how to cut ropes with my brain I'll tell you. In the meantime we're pretty stuck." Naomi sighed feeling again that sense of déjà vu except Sayu had been a little more condemning. Not to mention a little more brainwashed.

Duck looked over at Matt and his eyes narrowed. He then sighed and shook his head, "You know, if he talked at all I might have been able to find a way to manipulate ourselves out of this situation. However, even I can't manipulate a doormat."

Matt looked up from his video game for a second, as if he was going to protest Duck's statement, he met Duck's gaze then shook his head and continued to play his video game. Naomi just had to wonder how much of Mello's budget went into Matt's video game addiction.

"You know Duck, this might be a good time to tell you that generally people don't think of others in terms of manipulation. It's not considered…. Ethical."

Naomi had always had the feeling that she'd have to eventually teach both Duck and Light the meaning of morality because it appeared that the concept in general escaped both of them. Even Light who claimed he was killing on a moral basis didn't actually know the meaning of the word compassion. She might as well start now.

"Really? How do these people get by in life?" Duck asked causing Naomi to sigh.

"They believe that man is essentially good and ride upon that faith throughout life."

"That's a silly thing to believe. If I believed in the essential goodness of man I'd be Kira too and we certainly don't need two of those."

Naomi felt the urge to slam her head against a wall but repressed it, besides it wouldn't do much good since she was tied to a chair anyway.

"Duck, Kira is a serial killer who believes he kills the irredeemable scum of the earth. I don't think he should be your role model of men who have faith in humanity."

Duck sighed as if she was missing the point of both his argument and the true nature of the world. Sometimes she hated having a son that was smarter than she was, it made explaining things like morals both tedious and difficult.

"He wouldn't bother if he thought there was no chance of redemption, he believes that most people have that spark of goodness in their hearts and only some are the scum of the earth. If he thought that all men were worthless he'd either do nothing or he'd just kill everyone." Duck explained in an even voice.

Naomi wasn't sure how to respond to that. She thought about it and could still think of nothing. So she said the first thing on her mind, "Duck, should I be worried about a new bubonic plague, or possibly nuclear World War III?"

"Oh, are you referring to me?" Duck asked, "Well, I haven't really thought about it. I don't really believe in people but I don't really have anything against their presence on this earth either. I'll leave them be so long as they don't tie me to a chair, kidnap my mother, or wear leather pants with a gun holster in front."

Naomi looked over to Matt to see how he was faring with the conversation, he had stopped playing Gameboy which was a sign that they had his attention. It was hard to tell what he was thinking with half his face hidden by giant green goggles, besides that, who wore goggles? Inside too, could he even see anything? She supposed that since it was goggles it hadn't offended her as immediately as sunglasses would have but he still looked like a tool.

"Do you think I should give Mello a message first though?" Duck said and Naomi just knew he had that look on Light's face that he got when something extremely unpleasant was about to happen. It started with the creepy smile and then the creepy smile would grow into a creepy grin and then the eyes would turn color until they looked crimson (she wasn't sure of the physics behind that but it did happen) and then he would laugh.

For some reason Naomi found herself thinking of The Godfather, and the horse's head tossed into a bed. Except the horse's head was Matt's and it was Mello's leopard printed waterbed that was soaked in blood.

"Duck, there's something you should know. Most people, normal people, find murder to be… unethical."

Naomi was still looking at Matt who was looking at her. She thought he was beginning to get the picture.

Duck laughed, "I thought we went over this, I don't believe in ethics. Besides, murder is so persuasive."

It was official, Duck was the antichrist. Some part of the notebook had gotten into his DNA so not only did he have Light's evil in his blood he also had the crazy murder notebook in his blood that drove him beyond all possible comprehensible forms of evil. She'd have to start up a church. She'd spend her weeks slaughtering goats every Sunday and feeding Duck the blood and trying to convince Misa to become a priest for her new religion.

Naomi sighed and then a thought struck her, "Wait a minute, if you have no problem with ethics why the extreme hatred of Kira?"

"Kira is evil, there's unethical, and then there's evil. There's quite a large difference." Duck clarified in bitter tones.

"And that difference is?"

"He murders for the sole purpose of becoming God, I have problems with that. And he lives in my house, hits on my mother, and treats me like a dog. Why wouldn't I have problems with the great lord Kira?"

Somehow Naomi got the impression that Duck was more offended by being treated like a dog than he was by Light's murder happy spree.

"I always assumed that murdering people in general was a bad idea." Naomi said.

"Your stalker has no legitimate reason to kill thousands, I have a legitimate reason to rid the world of two men that have no reason to exist. Besides, I don't believe it's murder if we go by Kira's assumption that he's God. I'm not sure if there's a term for God-slaying but there certainly isn't a law against it. Mello is just subhuman and deserves to die, it's a mercy." And so Duck justified his desire to eliminate both his uncle Light and his kidnapper Mello sounding just like Light would if she had ever bothered to ask him why he was Kira.

"That will hold up as well in court as L's shower theory." Naomi pointed out. Although given Duck's adorable appearance he could probably say anything and the jury would believe it.

Duck paused, "L's what?"

Naomi really wished she hadn't brought that up, "Well, in the beginning of the Kira investigation L had this idea that Kira killed through showers."

"… And he's the world's greatest detective?" Duck asked.

Naomi tried to shrug but it was difficult when tied to a chair. Instead she sighed and looked at the ceiling in thought. Oh L, what was there to say in explanation of L? So many failed explanations that never seemed to fit.

"That wasn't his actual argument; it's just what he said to justify cameras in the shower… and the handcuffs. Also, he's apparently the world's top three detectives since he got bored of only being one detective at a time." Naomi eventually said in even tones.

"...You know, I didn't know there were actually legitimate reasons to call him Uncle Pedophilia. I just sort of went with it."

Naomi looked over at Matt who had dropped his Gameboy. Oh dear, another one with an L-complex. How many children's psyche had L ruined? So far she was counting at least four, there were probably at least another dozen in the woodworks. Matsuda was going to have a hay day, she couldn't wait.

"Yes, Matt?" Naomi asked waiting for him to explode in a frenzy of defensive arguments on L's behalf.

"…" Matt said before opening his mouth and saying, "…L can't be alive."

Naomi shook her head, "I don't get it either, but he is. Alive and well, no doubt drugging Light out of his mind at this very moment, unwittingly laying out the groundwork for the zombie apocalypse."

Naomi could see it now. L, taking advantage of Light in his weakened state only to find out that Light was extremely dangerous when he was on the road of vengeance. A vengeful Light was twice as powerful and dangerous than a normal god-complex Light. God-complex Light just ignored you and froze your bank accounts, vengeful Light would humiliate you and turn you into a zombie through the most painful means necessary. The fact that vengeful Light could possibly destroy the world also made it an extremely dumb idea to provoke him incessantly, or to drug and rape him.

"…There's no way in hell L is still alive." Matt argued.

There was no way in hell L was going to be alive if he really planned on drugging Light and taking advantage of the situation in her absence. Slight difference in tense, but only a slight difference. Still, if she was going to correct Matt on that she'd have to go on what she knew and not on what was going to happen.

"And you believe you're hot on the tail of a serial killer who began killing when he was seventeen with a magical notebooks that makes the laws of physics look like doodles in some poor girl's math journal. Which makes less sense?" Naomi pointed out in return, she wished she could shrug or use hand gestures but unfortunately being tied to a chair allowed her to do nothing but awkwardly sit and talk.

"No, you don't understand. L can't be alive." Matt said beginning to look worried.

"Besides the logical pitfall there's no reason L shouldn't be alive." Duck reasoned, "L being alive just means he's a complete ass who doesn't at all care about your existence."

"No, I know. That's why L isn't alive." Matt said.

"You've lost me. You know that L is an asshole, and you can stand talking to Mello?" Naomi asked feeling herself becoming very confused.

"Mello and I don't talk about L much. Mello's sort of been on a 'beat Near' fix anyway, no time for L." Matt said with a wave of his hand as if it didn't really matter that his lover preferred thinking about a socially stunted child who shunned the light of day.

Naomi blinked in confusion, "I wouldn't really know, that topic of conversation has never come up between us."

Somehow Naomi got the feeling that she goaded Mello into certain conversations. Such as L's status as a corpse and the fact that Light would wipe the floor with his face if Mello even thought about getting in his way. That made her feel guilty for a single moment, and then she remembered that she was thinking about Mello.

"If you know L is the bottom of the barrel as far as human morality is concerned why are you at all concerned about his survival?" Duck asked to get the conversation back on a useful course.

"Because if Mello gets too embarrassing then he might have an accident…" Matt trailed off and dug in his pocket for a cigarette.

"Beyond Birthday didn't have an accident, he just lit himself on fire in order to prove his superiority over the great detective. Why he thought the great detective would care though, when he hadn't even bothered to show up himself, is beyond me." Naomi pointed out, "Still, no accidents there. Just gasoline, a rickety chair, and me busting down the door just as he lit the match."

Matt shook his head, "I'm not talking about B."

Naomi got a terrible feeling of foreboding and felt the shadows in the room converge upon her.

"Don't tell me there's another one." She said darkly, there must have been something terrifying in her tone because Matt looked rather taken aback.

Goddamn you Ryuzaki, she thought, how many spurned and neglected lovers can you collect and stuff into a single orphanage!

"Coil made the mistake of insulting L to all of his contacts in order to get a one-up on the newer detective." Matt said taking a puff on his cigarette and blowing the smoke in their faces.

"I thought L was Coil." Naomi said with raised eyebrows.

"He is… Now. There was a detective war and… Coil had an accident so L won."

Naomi cocked her head and asked in a dubious voice, "They had a detective war?"

"Yeah." Matt said inhaling the smoke deep into his lungs where he would someday get cancer.

Why did Naomi believe that it was entirely plausible that L got into a pissing match when he was fourteen with a middle aged man who had previously been the best detective there was? That really said something about what she thought L must have been like as a child, she almost pitied Watari, if he wasn't partly responsible for the social disaster.

"Are you telling me detectives can't share?" Naomi asked for confirmation. Why was she not surprised? Probably because she had worked with Light and L in close quarters for years now, one became rather unsurprised by the childishness of detectives.

Matt shrugged, "Well Coil was an ass, according to the files anyway. It's no great loss."

Being an ass, also a key component of being a world class detective, at least it was if L was the role model.

Duck decided to join in the conversation then, "What was his accident?"

Matt again shrugged, "I think it was hit and run, or something, it's not really important."

Duck's eyes narrowed, "To be fair to L without knowing the circumstances of his death it's a rather fantastic leap to claim that L murdered his rival."

"Okay so maybe L didn't kill the guy, but I'm telling you, bad things happen to people who embarrass L." Matt ground out his first cigarette and dug out another, apparently Matt was quite the chain smoker.

"Such as?" Duck prompted.

"A, one of L's first runner ups, second to B. After expressing his love for L in front of two hundred children he commits suicide two weeks later."

"Wasn't that guy unstable to begin with?" Naomi interjected, "I mean you do live in an orphanage that promotes intellectual dog fighting." She was beginning to buy this theory less and less.

"B, starts a case to challenge L and ends up in L.A. prison after lighting himself on fire." Matt said with growing frustration and Duck and Naomi's lack of faith.

"Matt, I was there. Trust me, L did not give a damn what happened to B. The lighting himself on fire was all plan B."

Matt pulled out another cigarette, "Near, can't step outside and does nothing but play puzzles and robots. His very existence was a source of embarrassment to L."

"Are you blaming L for your social failings?" Naomi asked, "L is an asshole but he's not passive aggressive, strike that he is passive aggressive, but he doesn't install social failings just because your existence embarrasses him. I think those were there to begin with."

Matt trailed off letting his cigarette die in his mouth. He looked strangely defeated. As if Naomi had just struck a dagger into his heart. She almost wondered if he was going to look up at her asking in a pitiful voice, "Et tu, Naomi Misora?"

"This isn't about L, is it?" Naomi asked and felt her face drop as she realized that she had secretly been having another conversation entirely. At least L wasn't murdering those who embarrassed him left and right, she'd leave that to Light.

"Mello hasn't always been this bad. He used to be… He never used to dress like a whore…" Matt sat down on the floor and began to shake his head pulling the goggles off his face revealing tears in his eyes.

Oh, well then, Naomi suddenly had an idea that she knew what they were talking about.

"So the leather's a relatively new thing?" Duck asked clearly not caring that Matt was on the verge of an epiphany and from there would head straight into a psychotic break down.

Matt just laughed, a dark pathetic sob laugh that she most frequently heard from Hikaru Imagay as he thought of his relationship with Y. Even though in the show Y was much less of an ass than L was he still retained some of L's aloof apathy that drove Hikaru into tears as he realized he was so close yet so far. Not to mention with the introduction of Y's evil twin Hikaru had indeed gotten very confused.

"Yeah, I guess, I mean it started toward the end at the orphanage but… I don't know, it's just gotten worse." Matt dropped his cigarette and fumbled to pick it up.

Naomi wondered how on earth she had gotten from talking morals with Duck to talking about Mello's decent into the realm of stripper with Matt. She honestly couldn't find where the conversation had taken that fateful turn.

"It's not just the clothes, it's everything. He doesn't think anymore, I just keep thinking he'll get better now that he's not really competing with Near… He still is though, they're still competing for number one. At least Mello thinks they are, that's why he wants the notebook so bad, I don't even know what he thinks he'll do with it once he has it. But if he has the notebook he has Kira so… Here we are… Again." Matt laughed that Hikaru Imagay trademark laugh.

"That won't be the end, getting the notebook, would not be a good idea." Naomi said in even terms. "You think L will kill Mello, Kira will kill Mello, I wouldn't be surprised if he's planning it now. You're thinking about this from entirely the wrong angle."

"Don't you think I know that?" Matt snapped.

Despite the goggles, striped shirt, sweater vest, and fur boots Matt almost looked like a normal traumatized ginger on the verge of a mental break after months of dealing with a glorified stripper.

"Have you told him?" Naomi asked patiently. The fact that she was giving relationship advice seemed rather ironic, considering her situation with Light.

"I've tried, but Mello doesn't listen to me." Matt sighed and shook his head. He put his head in his hands and sighed again. Clearly Naomi had been kidnapped at the wrong time in their relationship.

Knowing Matt his attempts to tell Mello had most been one word statements accompanied by a few muted hand gestures.

"Keep trying, trust me, it will save us all a lot of grief if Mello gets it into his thick head that he's out of his league." Naomi insisted.

"You don't know Mello, once he gets an idea into his head…" Matt just shook his head in ultimate despair again.

And just like that the conversation came full circle as Duck realized how to manipulate Matt's wounded heart to his advantage. Like Jesus Duck descended from the heavens whilst tied to a chair surrounded by the holy light of a flickering light bulb and the choir of the furnace along with drunken laughter from the room next door.

"Matt, I believe we may be able to help each other after all." Duck said benevolently.

"What could you do?" Matt asked dubiously as he shielded his eyes from the holy light of the flickering light bulb. He probably doubted the word of a four year old tied to a chair.

"I can make sure you and your lover make it out of here alive, sans notebook I'm afraid, but then you don't really want the notebook. Do you Matt?"

Matt didn't answer for a long time but simply stared, placing his faith in a four year old tied to a chair.

"How could you do that?" He asked, less dubious, more desperate.

Duck grinned, "Well, you'll just have to wait and see Matt. In the meantime there are things that need to be done to save your precious transvestite."

Only a few days later Light sent in the bomb squad.

_Terrorism never goes unpunished_

**Author's Note: Thank you for the reading and the reviewing and the sticking by a story that's over fifty chapters. That is dedication. Reviews are always nice. Till next time then. **

**Disclaimer: Death Note no belong to me. **


	67. Chapter 67

When Naomi was twelve she had thought that she was going to be a doctor. This was before she realized the fact that due to her overwhelming bad luck she would most likely kill all her patients. At the time she had smiled saying she wanted to do something that helped people, made their lives better, because surely that was the best job there was. She wanted to make a difference in the world, maybe not a big one but…

Well, Naomi was helping people and she was certainly making a difference. So why didn't she feel any better?

"You know he'll never buy this." Naomi said to Duck surveying the scene in front of her with a shake of her head.

"Of course he wouldn't, but he isn't going to come in person." Duck pointed out, "He's much more likely to send Matsuda to get conveniently killed off."

"Even Matsuda wouldn't buy this."

Naomi and Duck looked critically at their master piece: the complete makeover of mafia lord Mello into a somewhat masculine looking individual. Matt also looked, but less critically, more in astonishment as if he had altogether forgotten the fact that Mello wasn't actually a woman.

After talking through the plan with Duck Matt had tried to explain to Mello reasonably that Light was out of his league and he would most likely find himself six feet under if he didn't get out while he still could. Mello had fallen off his throne in laughter. Matt had then resorted to the techniques he had learned from L: drugging his friend in order to get what he wanted.

Mello was not amused with the headache afterwards or the results.

(Though Naomi thought he looked better than he probably had in years.)

"How could you do this to me? Matt, you were my only friend, you bastard!" Mello struggled in the bonds of the chair they had tied him in, creasing the suit that looked a little too large for his frame but that couldn't be helped now.

Naomi sighed and shook her head, "Mello, this bastard just saved your life now shut up and be grateful."

They had cut Mello's hair and when he had been drugged and passed out he had almost looked like the only sane member of Misa's family, a little brother maybe, who wore suits like Light and was still only in high school.

"And you, I always knew you would betray me!" Mello screamed at Naomi.

"How could I betray you? I've never been your friend Mello." Naomi pointed out, "Besides, against my better judgement I am trying to help you. Can we duct tape his mouth? It'd make this kidnapping ploy a lot more convincing."

Duck ran a hand through his hair looking like a small version of a slightly frustrated Light who had just found out that L had decided to attend his university and pretend to be his friend, "That might be a good idea or else he'll try to convince Matsuda that he really is Mello. Perhaps we can claim that Mello brain washed him."

"No good, they all know that Mello's incompetent."

"Who's incompetent you dumb bitch?"

Duck sighed, "Alright, Matt, would you please get the duct tape?"

Matt pulled a roll of duct tape out of cargo pants and taped Mello's mouth shut. Mello began to struggle violently whipping his head back and forth in order to cause someone some physical damage.

"Alright Matt, here's the plan. You two are orphans from Wammy's Dog Fighting Arena for Boys…" Duck began ignoring Mello's desperate struggles for escape.

"It's called Wammy's House, and it's an orphanage." Matt interrupted.

"Whatever. The orphanage. You were ranked fifth and sixth, high enough that you're vaguely intelligent, but low enough that L would never have thought to care about your existence. The one in the chair is F for Frodo or Failure, he has a very refined sense of humor and recognizes his own self-worth."

So that meant Mello either thought he was the chosen one driven mad by power who in the end in order to do the right thing had to have his finger bitten off by a hideous creature or he had to accept the fact that he was a failure in life. Or at least, according to Duck's naming scheme, it was probably a good thing that Duck hadn't gone to Wammy's Dog Fighting Arena for Boys.

Mello began to struggle more at that and tried to scoot his chair over to where Duck stood.

Duck continued, "You are going to be D for Dracula or Doormat, your choice."

(So either Matt was the equivalent of Raye to Duck or he was the star of hundreds of terrible vampire movies that just made people burst into mad giggling.)

"Can we pick our own names?" Matt asked in a strange voice that sounded as if it wanted to convey doubt but wasn't quite sure if it should.

"No." Duck said shortly before continuing again with his plan, "In light of recent events you've become very concerned with Mello and Near's attempt to gain Kira's murder weapon. You have no idea what this murder weapon is but you know that due to Mello's unstable nature having anything that dangerous near him would lead to certain disaster and the death of all mankind."

"Except that no one is going to buy this." Naomi interrupted causing Duck to look at her and glare. It reminded her of the way L looked at Matsuda whenever he entered the room without coffee. If there was no coffee (as far as L was concerned) there was no point in Matsuda's existence.

"Can I finish, please?" Duck asked.

"If you want, but it will never work." Naomi said. Naomi knew all about plans that never worked, like Beyond Birthday's plan to one up L. That had been her first experience in the land of dismal failure. He hadn't even been able to light himself on fire in peace.

"Thank you," Duck sighed, "You then began their journey to Tokyo by tracking down various mob networks. It took you several months but eventually you managed to track down Mello's hideout. You were just about to infiltrate to try to reason with Mello when you were hit over the head by a very large guard. You then realized that one cannot reason with Mello and that any attempt to do so is laughable."

Mello managed to totter on his chair a bit at that comment but ultimately stayed sitting upright. No one paid any attention to him whatsoever.

Matt nodded slowly, "So I'm D and he's F, and what are we going to be doing when Light gets here?"

"If we're lucky Light won't come in person. I doubt he will but he tends to be a bit unpredictable when it comes to mother." Duck paused before continuing, "You'll be tied up in the hostage room, mother and I will be free, we'll have come from another section of the compound where mother managed to get us out. We'll run into Matsuda who will be the first to run toward danger and possible death, we'll tell him that we saw some other prisoners somewhere else in the compound. The rest of the task force who will want to get rid of Matsuda will suggest that Matsuda go on a wild goose chase for the other hostages while Soichiro goes to find Mello."

Matt held up his hand, "Question, what if Light does come in person?"

Duck ignored his interruption, "We lead Matsuda around the compound for around twenty minutes or so and eventually come to a locked door. Mother and Matsuda will break it down while I cheer, we then find you two blinking inside praising God that you were saved. You then tell Matsuda your dramatic story and he believes all of it. Meanwhile Soichiro goes to the main computer system to find that Mello has already left the facility and has set the compound to explode with ten minutes left to go. Soichiro then tells everyone to get the hell out and we all make a mad dash out of there."

Matt looked dubious, "But what if it's Light?"

Duck continued to ignore him, "Mother will then produce the saved notebook to hand to Soichiro and you two will explain your story. Matsuda will buy it if only to help with his television show and will do his very best to convince everyone you are who you say you are. L won't disagree because if there was an F or a D he will not have remembered you anyway. Light will be so distracted by Naomi's reappearance that he won't care what you do as long as you don't bother him."

Matt looked at the struggling Mello and then to Naomi and Duck, "Are you sure this is going to work?"

"Of course it will."

"You're going to die pathetically."

Duck and Naomi said simultaneously.

"Right, what if it's Light?" Matt asked looking at both of them from behind dark green goggles.

Naomi decided to answer the question, "Light will be right behind Matsuda and will probably follow to find the hostages thinking it's odd that anyone else would be there. He'd also notice that it seems awfully convenient that you distract from Mello's grand escape into the wilderness. Also the Wammy's background would seem to be used just to divert suspicion and it wouldn't work. So he'd probably shoot you on sight." Naomi explained watching Matt pale.

"Well, if it's Light who comes then mother will have to distract him somehow…" Duck said trying to recover Matt's lost faith.

Naomi held up her hand, "Oh no, no, I am not having sex with Light to save Mello's ass!"

Duck spluttered, "Did I say sex?"

The sad part was that Duck actually knew what sex was. Somehow. Damn the internet.

"You asked me to distract a man. Not only a man, you asked me to distract Light. It's very difficult to distract Light. I can't just shove him in a corner, I can't point in the opposite direction, asking me to distract Light gives me very limited possibilities. Even if I did have sex with him I don't know if it would distract him enough." Naomi explained in growing hysteria.

Dear god, they'd have sex, and she'd have another kid and it'd be even worse than Duck. It would actually have demonic powers, not just intelligence. It would be the notebook incarnate. It would summon demons into her house and they'd throw wild dance parties. It'd kill Raye, not just threaten him. It would become god and enslave mankind…

"Mother, are you alright?" Duck asked slowly.

"No man is worth dealing with that." Naomi said taking a shuddering breath to stop the hysterical sobbing from breaking out of her head and into the real world.

"You don't have to have…"

"You don't understand!" Naomi said pointing at Duck, "It would be the death of us all!"

Matt just looked at Naomi as if he wanted to point out her psychological problems but then reflected on his standing with Naomi and decided not to. Duck was beginning to look horrified, possibly realizing for the first time that not only was Raye not his father but that Light was. Duck had probably always assumed he was some virgin offspring of the notebook (or hoped) but now that it seemed blatantly obvious he looked on the verge of a mental break down. That made two of them.

Naomi felt that if she stared long enough into Duck's eyes she'd see the blue screen that was his brain process.

"…Let's just hope it's Matsuda." Duck said slowly blinking rapidly as if to expel some horrible thought that should never have come into existence, "In the meantime, Matt, you're going to have to lose the drunken hipster get-up."

"The what?"

"Your outfit."

Matt looked down as if for the first time realizing that normal people did not wear clothes like his. He looked up and stared at Naomi with a cocked head as if waiting for instructions from someone who was more than half his height. Naomi just sighed.

"Listen, Matsuda may be stupid but L and Light aren't. Getting the notebook will only distract them so much. If you look like this what do you think L's first thought will be, let alone Light's?" Naomi asked but then waved her hand, "Not that it matters since I don't think it will ever work. Still, if I was you I would at least try something."

"It's their best chance at survival; try to let them believe it's a good one." Duck said shaking his head.

Naomi looked at the struggling Mello, "I don't think Mello believes this will work either."

"Do I care what Mello thinks?" Duck asked sharply not even bother to look at the newly made over blonde. Mello struggled harder against his bonds. Perhaps he felt affronted by the fact that a four year old thought that he was better than him.

"So what should I…" But Matt never got to finish his question. Too bad, he probably was going to say something profound, something would truly have changed Naomi's life. He just never got the chance.

There was the distant sound of something very big exploding followed by several angry wood-peckers on steroids, she guessed they had brought machine guns. Light had let Matsuda have a machine gun, well, that didn't sound good.

Naomi and Duck turned around to the door, "What? Not already, it took him days last time to get me out of here."

"I think they're less inclined to give into terrorists the second time around." Duck said, "Plus they think Mello has the notebook."

Mello struggled harder perhaps trying to say that he didn't really have the notebook and wondering just who did if the Japanese police force didn't have it either. It was like where's Waldo, but instead of looking for a funny man with glasses and an obnoxious sweater they were looking for a death machine that could kill millions within weeks (a day if one got creative enough). Matt just looked around dumbly.

"Well, I think that's our cue to get on out of here. Matt, if you want to live, I suggest tying yourself up." Duck made his way to the door with a backward wave.

"Wait, don't we need their fake notebook?" Naomi asked.

"Oh, I already got that. I did it when you were busy tying up Mello." Duck smiled and then looked back at Matt, "Oh, and Matt. Just to remind you, once I'm out this door I don't know you and I'm not spending any more effort than necessary to keep you alive."

Matt looked stunned but finally managed to say, "What does that mean?"

"It means don't try to be more clever than you are, because I don't give a damn."

With that Duck marched out the door and slammed it behind him. Naomi looked at Matt, Matt looked at Naomi. Naomi felt the desire to shrug but felt that she needed to say something to Matt. She couldn't really think of anything to say, sorry we tied up your lover just didn't sound right…

"Um, really sorry about this." Naomi said watching Matt's blank face for a sign to continue. She got nothing, wall paper was more expressive.

"It's just, next time, when you and Mello are somewhere that isn't as tacky as this. Next time, when someone tries to become God through serial murder, don't steal his magical notebook." Naomi advised moving to the door all the while. Matt said nothing.

"So, good luck, I guess."

Duck's head suddenly popped back into the door, "Mother, are you coming? We are on a tight schedule here!"

Naomi sighed and made her way to the door wondering just when Duck had gained the power to dictate how her life was run. Duck then grabbed her hand and dragged her out into the hallway at a dedicated pace, heading all the while straight toward the shouting.

Naomi was beginning to have more doubts than the doubts she had already been having, "You know, as much as I love Mello I do feel bad about this."

"Why?" Duck asked as he pulled her along.

"Because no one deserves this fate." Naomi said, she was thinking of herself more than Mello. No one deserved to be Light and L's chew toy. Not only was it obnoxious it was also rather dangerous if one didn't know what they were doing.

"Well, I don't." Duck said shortly, "I did my best considering the short circumstances and the limited supplies. As for his survival, I am indifferent. He could live or die for all I care, living he owes me quite a large debt and dead I don't have to spare him a single thought. It might actually be easier if Light does show up and kill him."

Naomi felt herself sighing and knew if she hadn't spent four years with Light she would have been horrified, "So you lied to Matt, then?"

"No, I did give him a plan, the best plan he's likely to get in this situation. I gave him a way out, it's up to him to make the best use of it. It was not a part of our bargain that I care about his wellbeing." Duck turned a corner toward what sounded like Matsuda shouting in horror.

Naomi really hoped they didn't get shot on accident, L might be thrilled, but they would have a lot of explaining to do to Light. Plus staying in a hospital did not sound like a fun time, dear god, she'd have visitors. How would she explain hospital visitors?

("Well, this is the twenty two year old that lives at my house, no we're not related and no he's not my boyfriend. I don't know why he's here, he stalks me, he's been doing it since he was eighteen. Oh this one is my son, his name is Duck, yes like the bird. Why? Well that's a long story too, oh here's my actual husband… And this one is my boss… Don't let him touch anything.")

Naomi shuddered involuntarily.

"You know that moment where you think something in your life has gone terribly wrong and you're really living in some nightmare that God is having and you don't exist?" Naomi asked as she was being pulled along to her doom otherwise known as her normal-everyday-life.

"No."

"Well, I'm having that moment now." Naomi said sighing. Maybe they were all a part of a game show produced by Shinigami, that would make sense, things like this never happened to normal people.

"That's great, can you have the mental break down after we find Matsuda?"

Naomi was about to respond that she had been having the same mental break down for years when Matsuda made his grand appearance causing a generous sigh of relief in Naomi as she realized she was not going to have Mello and Matt be shot to death… and then Light rounded the corner behind Matsuda.

_You know after four years _

_I'm beginning to wonder why_

_I still write you these damn things_

_It's not like any of us even read these anymore._

**Author's Note: I enjoy writing this far too much. If you stay I will. Thanks for the reading and the reviewing and the all that jazz. Keep on trucking. **

**Disclaimer: Today's lesson in morality is brought by the letter I, as in I do not own Death Note. **


	68. Chapter 68

Light and Matsuda surrounded by what looked like the SWAT team stared at Duck and Naomi (she wasn't sure if the rest of the task force was there or if they were in some other part of the building). Although she probably should have been terrified by the sight of Matsuda holding a gun she was even more blindingly horrified by Light carrying a gun. Light with a gun, Light who had been left alone with L while possibly on date-rape pills, was not the epitome of stability.

Matsuda blinked and opened his mouth then closed it probably trying to figure out why the people he was supposed to be rescuing were running like mad through the halls. Light was surveying the ceiling fan with interest sparing only a brief glance for Naomi and Duck. They stood like that for several moments, staring at each other (except for Light who stared at the fan) before Naomi decided it was time to break the silence.

"Light, what the hell are you doing here?" Naomi asked in a horrified voice as the near future of her having to distract Light via sex was brought to her along with the vision of her next horrifically terrifying child. Demon dance parties, so many demonic dance parties.

"Hey are you guys alright? What'd he do to you this time? How'd you get out, even? Do you know where Mello is?" Matsuda released the dam of questions and they came flooding out at an infinite rate.

Light looked over at the babbling Matsuda, shook his head, and proceeded to ignore him, "You know, Naomi, most people when rescued from the clutches of an evil villain are far more grateful."

Light said all this still while staring at the fan, his hands now on his hips and his head cocked to the side.

"No seriously, Light, why are you here?" Naomi asked brushing off his comment she began to look at the fan too wondering if she should ask what was on there. It could be nothing, it could be Light's weird gesture of saying hello after being driven insane by rape, it also could be another shinigami hell bent on ruining her life. Some things Naomi wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"Ryuzaki was worried about our productivity rate if I didn't come. He also said that every man at least once in his life must head a raid against a hooker-terrorist." Light sighed, "He even told me about his own hooker-terrorist raid."

L and hooker-terrorist raid, she wouldn't be surprised if that one actually was true.

Naomi looked at Matsuda who was still babbling. He probably realized that the only person who was paying any attention to him whatsoever was Duck who was just nodding at intervals to keep him happy. Duck probably wasn't even paying attention given the sideways glances of horror he spared for Light each one growing more empty than the last. Clearly Duck's mental trauma was only just beginning.

Seeing that Matsuda was distracted and not paying attention Naomi decided to press for the real reason, "You refused to become L's drugged love dummy, didn't you?"

Light's mouth twitched slightly, "Well, that's a long and complicated story Naomi Misora."

Naomi felt her face pale as she realized where this conversation was going, "… That's Naomi Penber to you."

"Oh yes, Raye Penber. I almost forgot about him. I think I'll have him run over by a bus when we get home, for sentimental reasons." Light smiled then, his sweet innocent lady-killing smile that would no doubt have most high-school girls giggling. They just didn't know that his charming smile was only accompanied by disaster and terror.

Naomi felt the room darken, "What happened?"

Light's smile disappeared and the twitch returned, "The notebook's a fake. The suppliers survived in time to deliver L's new cache of drugs. Beyond that I'm not really sure what happened, things got a little…fuzzy."

The image of a Light drugged out of his mind in Ryuzaki's possession would have been disturbing enough to give Nabokov a run for his money. Naomi was becoming traumatized just by imagining it. She felt like she should say something but everything she could think of would only make it worse. You didn't comfort Light, you ran and ducked for cover while he blew up whatever had pissed him off.

"You don't know then?" Naomi asked.

Light cocked his head his eyes narrowing, "Naomi, even Matsuda in his goddamn soap opera could figure out what would have happened."

Matsuda's head rotated to Light, "What Light? My soap opera?"

"Yes, Matsuda, I believe you should tell little Duck all about the new plot arc. The one with the pandas."

Matsuda's brow furrowed, "There is no panda plot arc…"

"Then make one up!" Light snapped before returning his attention to Naomi. Matsuda looked taken aback before slowly turning his head to Duck and resuming his conversation.

"Are they dead?" Naomi asked carefully.

Light just smiled. This was what happened when she left them alone with each other for more than twenty four hours. Naomi just brought her hand up to her face and shook her head. The fact that L had sent Light into Mello's den with a gun just reemphasized Matt's theory that L secretly found ways to eliminate those who caused him problems. Light with a gun after not remembering a night in L's presence reeked of apocalypse.

"Is L dead?" Naomi asked carefully.

Light's smile grew to Ryuk-sized proportions, "I have plans for the great detective, but no, he hasn't left the land of the living quite left. However, the reservations in Hell have been booked and the weather has never been better."

It was official; L had no idea what the hell he had just gotten himself into.

Light returned to looking at the ceiling fan, his expression becoming puzzled.

At least it would change the topic, "Alright Light, what's on the fan?"

Light didn't look down but said, "Mello's severed arms and legs."

Naomi sighed, "Light, Mello's missing limbs aren't on the ceiling."

"I know, it's bizarre. Where did you put them?" Light checked around the room then looking for mysterious blood stains.

"I didn't put them anywhere because I didn't do anything to Mello. I have no idea where he is." Naomi lifted up her hands and then put them back down to express her lack of knowledge of Mello's whereabouts.

Light tilted his head and smiled at her before returning to surveying the walls.

Duck's face had reverted back to that blankness that only could be accompanied by a thought that could not be processed. As soon as Light looked at him though he managed to shake himself out of it, looking as if he was placing that thought very far away in his memory.

Duck crossed his arms and laughed breathily probably still thinking about things that should not be thought in spite of himself, "What makes you so certain we killed him?"

"I would have killed him." Light pointed out. Light held up the gun, "I have this nice gun too, Ryuzaki was so kind to let me have it."

"Some people are better than you." Duck pointed out with eyes growing wider by the minute probably realizing that he wasn't one of those people because he was Light's son.

"Are you lecturing me on my morality?" Light asked the four year old who was trying to stare down his own father who was holding a very impressive looking weapon. Naomi wasn't even sure Duck noticed the gun he seemed so shocked by his dawning revelation.

"We didn't kill him, we didn't even run into him." Duck insisted to which Light just raised his eyebrows.

"I highly doubt that." Light said, "I expected him to be hiding in the computer room in a mad dash to blow us up and delete his data and sent the rest of the task force up that way but now that I see you two running about I can't help but think he must be dead."

Naomi sighed, "You know Light, I could have just knocked him out. I didn't have to kill him in order to be running around here in search of an exit."

"Who wouldn't take advantage of that opportunity?"

"You mean murder."

There was the unspoken misunderstanding where Light proclaimed it wasn't a big deal because Light murdered all the time. Duck also looked down at his hands in horror probably realizing that he was Light in miniature form.

"It's Mello," Light said, "He doesn't count."

"All people count!" Duck screamed causing Light and Naomi to look down at him in shock.

Naomi really wanted to point out that Duck had said the same thing regarding Mello just a few minutes ago. Somehow she didn't think either would appreciate agreeing with the other especially in the middle of his existential crisis.

They were probably both having an existential crisis actually, meaning that they were twice as likely to kill each other.

"Well, if you didn't kill him then I think I will. Can you point me and the team in the right direction?" Light asked.

Duck just blinked probably seeing the fact that in the situation Light was in he would have said the exact same thing. Naomi decided to take over for him, "Listen, we haven't actually seen Mello. It was some other guy guarding us."

Light just cocked his head and looked at her as if he didn't quite buy what she was saying. He was also smiling. Naomi didn't think taking a step back was a good idea but it was really tempting.

Naomi held up her finger before Light could continue to smile, "But, we did see some other poor bastards get dragged off by Mello's cronies into some other room."

Light just looked at her for a moment, "Don't care."

Naomi looked at Matsuda meaningfully, "I know you don't but maybe Matsuda…"

Light continued to look at her, "Do these men even exist? Or are we just sending Matsuda on a wild goose chase."

Naomi shrugged, "I saw what I saw."

Light eyed Matsuda, "If we're sending Matsuda on a quest for the holy grail the curtain is going too."

"You're sending my son off with Matsuda in a mafia lord's secret lair?"

Light crossed his arms, "I am not spending my day terrorizing L's successors and making them weep blood with your demonic child. I'd much rather do it on my own, having a four year old there, even one as blood thirsty as yours… It ruins the mood."

Naomi looked at Duck and noticed his glare in Light's direction, he was probably thinking over the irony of that statement and where the demonic side of his personality came from. Naomi looked back at Light, "You know Light, I know you hate my relationship with my husband and the fact that I have a child but can this wait till later?"

Light just looked at her, "No."

So it was going to be one of those days. Naomi put her face into one hand and looked at the floor composing herself before she was resigned to a conversation explaining why Raye wasn't completely useless and Duck wasn't a hole in space time that never should have come into existence. Light's current theory was that there was a hole in the fabric of reality that would kill them all, because in no sane world would Naomi have ever had a child with Raye. His feeling was that Duck being who he was just backed up his theory and provided ample evidence.

"Oh come on Light, we were engaged before you even met me. Which by the way, I don't even know when you first saw me because I only noticed you when you started stalking me. When did we first meet? Was it a passing glance inside the subway? Bus? Airplane?" Naomi asked crossing her arms and wondering why Misa never had to deal with that. Misa had to work for Light's affection, if the world were sane Light would be chasing after Misa who clearly deserved him after all her hard work.

"Sidewalk." Light said shortly crossing his arms.

"The sidewalk. Great, I love the sidewalk. Great place for meeting future stalking victims. You just see someone walking by, take a few pictures, and follow them home and your set for the next six months. You know this is all your fault right?"

"How is this my fault?" Light asked in a rather affronted tone.

"If you hadn't stalked me I never would have met L again and you would never have a problem with my marrying Raye. You would have been perfectly satisfied between Ryuzaki and Misa's attentions." Naomi pointed out.

Light scoffed, "Naomi, if I hadn't met you then you would be dead."

"Funny, I don't remember you saving me from my imminent demise." Naomi said, "Where was the metor?"

Light looked at the ceiling fan and then back down sighing, "Raye would have been assigned to follow me whether I stalked you or not. If I hadn't known you I certainly wouldn't have hesitated from killing him. He's only alive out of my own generosity, just so you know. Knowing you, you wouldn't pathetically grieve but would instead fly into a mode of vengeance take your gun out of the closet and try to kill me. I don't like people trying to kill me, makes me feel claustrophobic. That would have been enough to get you on my bad list."

Naomi stared at Light, not quite sure what to say to that. Finally she settled on, "Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

Light shrugged, "Is it my job to make you happy?"

"That is possibly the lamest excuse for stalking someone, ever." Naomi said holding up her hands before he could interrupt, "You just justified following me around Tokyo by sitting on park benches by telling me that if you hadn't done it you probably would have killed me."

"Yes." Light said.

Naomi looked behind Light for the SWAT team to see if they had overheard Light's confession to near murder and stalking. Luckily for the slightly unhinged Light they had left in the middle of the argument. Naomi looked at Light.

"Hey, where'd the guys with guns go?" Naomi asked.

"I imagine they followed the four year-old and Matsuda since we're not doing anything interesting." Light said as if it was obvious. "And yes, they left before the rant about Raye and killing people. I may be blood-thirsty and a nervous wreck at the moment but I'm not stupid."

"They already left?" Naomi asked whipping her head around to see that indeed Duck and Matsuda had quietly looked at each other and agreed to search out their unknown hostages rather than listen to Naomi and Light bicker.

"I think they got bored."

Naomi looked back at Light and tried to put two and two together. Maybe it was just the drugs but somehow she had managed to do the impossible. She had distracted Light without even trying, without even having sex with him. For once in her life the gambling gods of the universe were on her side.

"Oh." Was Naomi's final conclusion, she put her hands on her hips and then looked up at Light. Not sure what to do with good luck since she almost never had it.

This was… good… She wouldn't have to have distraction sex with Light and God knew where that led to last time. In fact she had never gotten off so easy. Most of the time she managed to barely scrap by and not be killed and she had considered that lucky.

Light's eyes narrowed, "What is it?"

Naomi looked up sharply, "Nothing. Just thinking over the really disturbing nature of our relationship."

Light stepped closer, "You know Naomi, I do think you're lying."

And this was the sort of luck she was used to. Except usually in this situation Light didn't have a gun.

"Well Light, if you really think about it at this point in any romantic comedy you would have changed into a somewhat decent person yet you're still you… Something went wrong."

Light frowned, "You're trying to distract me from something." He looked at the walls again in search of blood.

Naomi waved her hand in dismissal, "What? No, never, how could I even think of hoping to distract you?"

Light sighed and was about to make his way after the trail where Matsuda, Duck, and the other men had gone.

"Where are you going?" Naomi asked.

Light looked over his shoulder and then smiled before walking off. Operation Distract Light: complete and utter failure. Naomi considered her options, she could try again, or she could let Mello die. She kind of liked Matt though, in spite of his lack of personality or memorable characteristics, if one could like someone without a personality.

If she let them die then she would be on the same level of morality as L.

She promptly made her way out of the room wishing she was in someone else's life instead, "Light, wait up! You're going to put someone's eye out with that gun."

"That's sort of the idea."

With that comforting thought she prepped herself for round two of distract Light in order to be a better person than L.

_Raye,_

_I'm assuming Naomi found this before you did but I really don't care_

_I'm wondering why I've let you live for four years?_

_I think I just forgot you, if that is possible._

_You were so boring and unimportant that I forgot you existed._

_I think Naomi married you just to avoid marrying me_

_(Yes Naomi, you know you did, don't feed me some bullshit excuse that says anything else.)_

_I just thought you'd like to know that_

_Oh, also, watch out for buses._

_You never know when they next one's coming_

**Author's Note: If I hit one hundred chapters I'm not sure if I should be proud or feel very disconcerted. This has to be one of the longest running crack fics out there. Thanks to readers and reviewers, you guys remain great. Reviewing is also great. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	69. Chapter 69

"Tell me, Naomi, is this what the LABB case was like?" Light asked almost casually as he swiftly made his way down the hallway to where Mello and Matt awaited him like sitting ducks.

Naomi was just doing her best to keep up and think of a distraction plan but it was never terribly difficult to complain about Beyond Birthday, "Well he did attack me in an alley and then ran away. I only knew it was him because he mentioned later that he knew that I knew capoeira." So far her plan entailed rambling about the past hoping that Light would be interested enough to stop walking.

"Really that's interesting." Light said vaguely looking down the corridor to try to deduce which path Matsuda was most likely to take. He eventually decided on the corridor not dripping with blood figuring that Matsuda would remove himself from the action.

"The only other person who knew that I knew capoeira was L so either Ryuzaki was an insane stalker who attacked me in an alley and thus was most likely Beyond Birthday (because really, who does that?) or Ryuzaki was L." Naomi paused and then added, "Now that I look back it probably could have been L. I really knew it was Beyond Birthday though when he lit himself on fire."

Naomi sped up to catch up to Light who was walking down the hallway at a fairly brisk pace, "So if we're counting ridiculousness and men attacking me for no reason other than to bother the world's greatest detective then yes, this is exactly like the Beyond Birthday fiasco."

Light spoke quietly then, "There is one great difference between this and the Beyond Birthday fiasco as you so aptly put it."

Naomi tried to think of what that difference could be but it seemed to be growing vaguer. Creepy L successor (check), creepy L stalker (check), ridiculous crime spree (check), having to hang out with the scourge of humanity (check), bizarre things happening (check)… Yes everything seemed to be in order…

"Oh god? Don't tell me there's a Death God bidding war." Naomi said closing her eyes and damning Ryuk to hell, she'd have to burn his apples the next time she saw him.

Light paused and looked at her before shrugging, "…Probably. But that was not what I was referring to. This time L didn't come to you, he came to me, and it will be the greatest mistake he has ever made."

Naomi was sure he was. Poor L, he had very little of an idea of what was coming. He probably knew it generally wasn't a good idea to get on Light's bad side but he had given into the temptation in order to see Light squirm. One day he was going to pay a horrible price for that.

"Light, as much as I approve of your desire to slaughter L…"

"Why, thank you." Light interjected.

Naomi continued in spite of him, "…I really think you should think about your actions before toting a gun and starting a mass blood orgy."

Light stopped walking. Success was so sweet even if Light was staring at her like she was Matsuda. His blank stare was worth it just to avoid disaster.

"What did Mello do?" Light asked then. Gone was the feeling of success.

Honestly how was it her desire to not turn Mello's base into a massacred village that brought on Light's suspicion? There was something terribly wrong with that.

"I don't know, it's not like I keep him under constant surveillance. We can't all be Ryuzaki." Naomi pointed out to Light with a hand on her hips. Sometimes Light's paranoia surpassed even hers.

"That's not what I meant. You're trying to stop me from finding him, or someone else, so what did he do to you. What could he have possibly threatened you with?" Light surveyed her carefully.

"Mello isn't the threatening type." Naomi observed, "He just thinks he is. I don't know how he got leather wearing transvestites confused with scary but his warped childhood has lent him to believe ridiculous outfits are terrifying."

Light proceeded to ignore her musings and instead looked down the hallway with blatant curiosity.

"It must have been something fairly significant…" Light muttered and then trailed off to resume his hunt for Mello. "Or perhaps you actually do like him and this has all been an elaborate cover up."

"Light, he came from the L-factory, what do you think comes out of there?" Naomi pointed out. She was not only horrified by the suggestion of being interested in Mello and his leather pants but also by the fact that a jealous Light was possibly worse than a Light in murderous rage.

"You know Naomi, I thought I was going to kill Mello before, but now I'm going to have fun when I do it." And the slasher grin returned.

"You were already looking forward to it." Naomi coughed and looked away trying not to look at the very near future of Mello's bodily fluids painted on the walls.

"Oh but now there will be a blood orgy, and you know how much I love blood orgies." Light said with that creepy grin that belonged more on Misa's face than it did on his, especially when Misa was thinking of all the girlfriends of Light she could slaughter.

"… That wasn't a suggestion." Naomi pointed out feeling herself steadily losing ground.

Light just smiled and walked away. So then, Naomi could attempt to have sex with him or she could let Mello die. Naomi was beginning to wonder why she was spending so much effort on saving the life of the transvestite who had kidnapped her twice. Perhaps she should just let things run their course.

Naomi sighed and made her way after Light, if he was going to slaughter Mello she should probably be there to make sure no one else got fatally wounded. It'd be just like Light to accidentally miss and place a bullet through the head of her four year-old son.

Just as long as they didn't have sex, and she didn't have a child, and that child didn't need an exorcism. She'd be fine as long as those things didn't happen, ever.

It was only a few moments before they heard Matsuda's attempts to break down a door.

"I can't quite…" There was a loud thud, "It's really not budging…" Another thud, "You know maybe it would be better if… OUCH!"

Light's and Naomi's eyes met and they turned the corner to where they found Matsuda continually running against the door. Duck was sitting cross legged behind his head in his hands looking somewhat bored and filled with exasperation.

Matsuda looked back at his four year old cheer-leader, "You know… Duck… I don't think this is working…" He managed to huff out as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"I'm sure you'll get it eventually." Duck said calmly, "The trick is to keep trying and to believe in yourself, then any task can be accomplished. Or so public educational television tells me."

Matsuda nodded dimly and prepared for another round of Matsuda vs. Door. Light and Naomi looked at each other again and shared a wordless thought that pertained to the subjects of Matsuda's intelligence and the nature of their lives in L's task force. They walked closer Duck looked up at them with raised eyebrows but turned his attention to Matsuda again, who still hadn't noticed a thing.

It was Light who decided to interrupt, "Matsuda, you look like a lemming deprived of a cliff. Surely there are better ways to commit suicide."

Matsuda skidded to a halt and turned rapidly to face the oncomers, "Light, Naomi, hi… I thought you were looking for…"

Naomi opened her mouth to explain that Light was a paranoid bastard but Light beat her to it, "We got lost."

Matsuda nodded, "Oh… Well, that's understandable I guess…" He trailed off and then realized that he had to explain his actions and how he was not suicidal, "Oh, yeah, the door. Um there's some guys trapped inside."

"Really?" Light asked in a tone that didn't sound surprised or curious at all.

"Yeah," Matsuda said and then proceeded to shout at the door, "Hey guys! There's some more people here, so we can get you out!"

There was a muffled response that was almost unintelligible. It sounded vaguely like 'about damn time' but it also could have been 'it's about dance time' or 'around Dan's lime' or anything to that effect.

Light looked at Naomi, his eyes doing that weird thing whenever he couldn't decide whether he was angry or highly amused, he began to leer over her, "Well, well, isn't this interesting?"

Naomi shrugged, "Mello's a weird guy, maybe it's like Ryuzaki and his handcuffs, some sort of sex thing that got interrupted by a raid, they're chained up in there and he forgot about them."

"Runs in the Wammy family?" Light asked.

"Why not? Clearly social etiquette did." Naomi countered.

"And they just happen to be here when Matsuda is here." Light said slowly with eyebrows raised giving her a humored glance. Somehow she felt that humoring Light was not a place she wanted to be in at the moment.

"Matsuda is always running into coincidences, if anything is going to happen it's going to be Matsuda's fault." Naomi said with a wave of her hand.

"Now, now, we can't blame everything on Matsuda." Light said with a sad smile clearly ignoring Matsuda's presence. Matsuda held up a finger and opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but couldn't seem to decide if Light was defending or deriding him.

"Why not? It's what I do." Naomi said.

Matsuda continued to open his mouth raising his finger higher not sure if Naomi was on his side or not because usually anyone who argued with Light was on his side.

"No, you blame the clowns who live in an alternate dimension." Light said, "And L."

"No, I'm not saying I blame him for the little stalker detective things Ryuzaki does or the weird universe things that the clown gods do… Just everything else."

"Internet memes." Light said crossing his arms and looking at her.

"Matsuda. Everyone knows Matsuda was the beginning of LOL-cats, there is no other explanation. I can haz cheezburger? That has him written all over it."

"Zombie Apocolypse."

"Matsuda's fault." Naomi regarded Light's raised eyebrows and amended her statement, "You know that one of these days it's going to happen."

"Japanese game shows."

"Death-clowns… and Matsuda." Naomi added as an afterthought.

"Misa Amane's career."

"Light, he's her manager."

Light shook his head, "I forgot about her temporarily thanks for the reminder."

"You're very welcome." Naomi replied.

Light simply looked at her and continued his interrogation.

"Hipsters."

"Matsuda."

"The media."

"Matsuda."

"Disco music."

"Completely and utterly Matsuda."

"Your demon son." Light said sharply.

"Your fault." Naomi countered and then shut up abruptly after she received a sharp warning look of death from Duck and an extremely horrified confused look from Light. Well, there went not telling Light about his bastard son ever. She'd thought about initially but there was never a good moment, ever, so she had decided that she would never tell him.

"My what?"

Naomi felt her options rapidly diminishing. She felt herself grow pale and begin and looked to Matsuda who still seemed confused. He was probably too tired from hitting a door and being insulted to actually understand the fodder he was getting for his soap opera.

"Um, clown's fault. You and god clown things, I get confused sometimes. You're just so… death god-like?" Naomi finished lamely hoping that Light was so traumatized that he just wouldn't pay any attention at all and would shove this information in his subconscious.

There was a moment of sheer and utter uncomfortable silence as Light, like Duck, began to have the inkling of his actual relationship with Naomi. He turned to the door in horror and looked as if he was about to join Matsuda in his lemming-without-a-cliff suicide exercises. Naomi just covered her eyes and mentally began to swear, as if Light needed anymore daily traumatizing. Not good timing.

Thankfully Matsuda finally figured out what he wanted to say, "You guys do know that I'm right here… All the time… Whenever you talk about me?"

Light and Naomi simply looked at him and Light turned his attention away from the door. He held up his hands and said, "Naomi..."

"Yes Light?"

"… I think it's best if we remain on non-speaking terms for the rest of the trip."

"Does this mean we have to talk after we get back?" Naomi asked.

"I said non-speaking ." Light added in a slightly traumatized voice and turned toward the door with his gun.

After successfully shooting out the lock he turned around and added, "And yes, when we're talking on a functioning level again that you and I have some serious things to discuss."

It was at that point that Duck began to applaud. Naomi and Light turned to him in the same instant to see him sitting, having not moved the entire time, with a very Light-like (possibly intentionally so) smirk on his face. He looked at Light and winked.

"Oh don't mind me, continue with your blood sacrifices to the death-clowns in another dimension." He motioned for Light to continue into the room with a wave of his hand to which Light could only stare at him traumatized. It was probably like seeing yourself in a mirror, only shorter, with the complete wrong coloring.

Duck continued as Light continued to stare at him with a blank expression, "Those death-clowns just love their blood orgies. It's a nice tasty snack, very nutritious, like granola."

Matsuda looked hopelessly at Naomi, "Um, Naomi, does he know what a blood orgy is?"

Naomi sighed, "Yes, Matsuda, yes he does."

Duck glanced at Matsuda and then returned his attention to Light, "Seriously though, go on, don't worry about me. I'll still be here when you get out, right where you left me." Duck's smile grew disproportionally wide.

And there came the not-too subtle reference to child abandonment.

Light just stared at him. Naomi would point out to Duck that provoking Yagami Light was never a good idea but provoking a Yagami Light who had just been raped, who had suspected his stalking victim of protecting a transvestite kidanpper, who had just learned he was a father of a demon child whom he had insulted continually for four years, and who was conveniently toting a gun was definitely not a good idea.

"Well then," Light said looking at Naomi helplessly, "now that everything's in order let's kill some people."

It turned out that when traumatized beyond belief and incredibly angry Light's god-like killing powers extended to his legs. That or Matsuda had managed to damage the door after continual beatings. With one leg Light managed to kick in and splinter the door with ease. Naomi reminded herself never to get on Light's bad side, especially after he had been alone with L.

Matsuda stared at the door with his jaw open and looked at Naomi then back at the door, "How did he do that?"

Naomi shook her head, "… I don't even think I want to guess."

"But I spent…"

"I said I didn't want to guess Matsuda."

And phase one of the plan was completed. Everything had gone to hell and they weren't even through the door. Job well done.

_I have come to believe I am not nearly as terrifying in writing as I am in real life_

_Thus I will keep this brief_

_A line has been crossed_

_We cannot go on as we were_

_There has been a transition_

_I can no longer sit in silence and accept the state of the world_

_Things must change_

_Something must break_

_Something must die_

_Post Script_

_Naomi_

_You always knew that Raye should have been left to die in that train station. _

_It has only been delayed for a time._

**Author's Note: Does this plot development mean I actually possess a plot? The world may never know, I certainly don't. In other news thank you for readers and reviewers, you guys are great. Reviews are always appreciated. Until next time then.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	70. Chapter 70

If Matt was horrified by the prospect that Light Yagami with a gun in hand kicking down the door was their rescuer he did a great job of hiding it. Mello on the other hand did not fare nearly so well.

The two were tied together in a chair, Matt had successfully ditched the goggles but now was blinking periodically as if he was not quite used to staring directly at fluorescent lighting. He still wore his color blind shirt and cargo pants but overall he looked relatively normal. His eyebrow raised slightly as he surveyed the rescuers/axe murderers but he said nothing. Mello however was staring in horror at blood-stained red death who had finally decided to crash the party.

"OH SHIT!" Was the expletive that Mello eventually decided on as he evaluated Light's blood-thirsty grin. Light took that as his cue to enter the room.

"Um, hi, Light you should probably put down the gun… Are you guys okay?" Matsuda asked trying to work his way around Light who was still blocking the doorway. He managed to wiggle around him and made his way up to the hostages.

Mello appeared to be in shock and was probably realizing for the first time that when Light Yagami made death threats he usually meant them. He was probably also realizing that kidnapping Kira's sister and his secretary of the new world was not the greatest of plan. No doubt he was realizing that antagonizing Light was the equivalent of signing a contract with the devil in blood in exchange for bragging rights. His face revealed all of this, mostly by his twitching eyes and open mouth.

Matt on the other hand just looked at Light dimly and then looked to Matsuda, "We're tied up." He said.

"Yeah, um, you kind of are…" Matsuda said slowly trying to find where to untie the knots, "If you don't mind me asking why are you here?"

Matt opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by Light's mad laughter. Matt then gave Light a more than curious glance, probably noticing that Light was laughing and holding a gun at the same time. So Matt instead asked, "Should he be holding a gun?"

Light burst out laughing again and looked at Naomi who had been trying her best to be ignored by everyone so she could grab Duck and sneak out of the room. He then motioned for her to come in, she smiled and shook her head, to which Light responded by grabbing her arm and dragging her inside.

"This is too rich." Light said as he pulled her in, "I can't believe you thought you could get away with this."

"I didn't." Naomi said as she looked at Mello's expression that was growing increasingly horrified.

Light just looked at her, "I know you didn't, I was speaking generally. Still, this almost makes my day."

"Um… What?" Matsuda asked still working on the ropes. He looked up at his hostages briefly and then returned to his work of trying to untie knots.

"I'm glad I could make you happy." Naomi said slowly sighing as she looked at Mello and Matt, two sitting ducks doomed to die.

"You gift-wrapped them." Light said with reverence, "No one has ever gone to such lengths to keep me entertained before." He pulled her into his arms and leaned down toward his ear, "Sometimes I wonder why I tolerate you, and then I remember that you do things like this."

Naomi felt an overwhelming sense of shame despite the fact that it wasn't her plan, she had never thought it was going to work, and she didn't even like Mello. How was it that Light had managed to make her feel ashamed of her own inability to save Mello's life. She was also feeling the urge to scream rape, normally Light wasn't quite so blatant with his hitting on her… Clearly L's date rape had done something to his libido.

"Light, you're making a romantic gesture that isn't carefully calculated." Naomi pointed out awkwardly as Light continued to hold her in his arms as he stared at his gift-wrapped presents.

"Oh, but everything I do is carefully calculated." Light said with a grin, "Very, carefully, planned, and executed."

Why was Naomi still thinking rape?

"Light, what are you talking about?" Matsuda asked as he eyed Naomi and Light strangely. He pointed to the two of them and tried to open his mouth to ask 'when the hell did that happen?' but was interrupted by Duck's entrance.

"Oh yes, carefully planned and executed." Duck looked at his fingernails and coughed to draw attention to himself as he sauntered into the room, "Everything you've done, you've made, is entirely intentional. There've never been any… accidents."

It was at that point that Naomi realized Light was playing possessive axe-murderer rapist because he was trying to traumatize his son whom he hated. Yet even with that knowledge she was still thinking the word rape.

Light's eyes narrowed and he smirked, "Of course not. You should know better, Duck." He let his hands rest on Naomi's hips, "Everything, is intentional."

Well, Naomi had thought Light's war with L was bad. She hadn't even dared to comprehend Light's war with Duck. How was it that when she thought things were bad they got worse? How did they keep getting worse?

"But, there's enough time for that later." Light said slowly turning his eyes back to the hostages, "In the meantime, there's this to deal with. Hello Mello, how are you?" Light asked staring at the blonde hostage.

"Goddammit Matt, you cut my hair for nothing you bitch!" Mello screamed at Matt who took it gracefully by nodding his admittance of defeat.

"We were going to die anyway." Matt said.

Matsuda put two and two together then, "Wait… Why did you tie yourselves up? I mean if you're Mello and you're Matt why didn't you just run or something? And who is Matt?"

Light sighed, "They're too dim for a plan that sensible, besides I imagine that they didn't think I'd be coming along to inspect the proceedings. Luckily for them I actually bothered to accompany you."

Naomi, while she pitied Mello and Matt for their imminent demises, couldn't help but feel more uncomfortable with the fact that Light had yet to let her go. He hadn't even touched her this much when they had sex.

"Light, you can let me go now." Naomi said awkwardly.

"Theoretically it is plausible that I could let you go, it is physically possible, but I won't." He smiled his most charming smile.

"Is that supposed to sound romantic?" Naomi asked trying to remove Light's hands. "You know I liked it better when you didn't have a sex drive, then I could ignore the fact that I have a stalker, I could pretend my life was somewhat normal. Now I have nothing, not the remotest hope of saneness in life."

Light smiled, "Naomi, you believe the world is ruled by gambling gods of death, I think you abandoned the idea of a sane universe a very long time ago."

"Wait a minute." Matsuda commanded standing up from his post, "Light… what is this?" He asked pointing to Light holding Naomi and peering over her shoulder to smile charmingly at his future victims.

"Don't ask, Matsuda." Naomi said slowly with a shake of her head, "It's really not worth noticing."

Light said nothing but simply turned his head slightly so that he was staring directly at Matsuda. Matsuda visibly paled and Naomi had to wonder what expression was on Light's face that he was that much more terrifying than usual.

Matsuda attempted to talk again, "But… But I thought… I thought you and Ryuzaki… and Misa… and Naomi?"

Light just gave Matsuda the look while Matsuda put a hand through his hair and spluttered out, "And Naomi? What the hell Light?"

"Welcome to my life, Matsuda." Naomi muttered to the floor certain that he wasn't actually listening as he was too busy absorbing the fact that Light had quite the string of lovers after four years of working on an investigation in which he had been the prime suspect.

Duck interrupted the awkward moment with a slight cough, "Not that Light Yagami's string of love affairs aren't interesting but I think we should be focused on what to do with the terrorist right now."

Matt gave Duck a sharp look and then appeared to remember that Duck would lend no extra support if they got caught. As soon as Light Yagami entered the room Duck had jumped off the Wammy Boy's ship in the nearest life boat.

Matsuda still appeared to have trouble comprehending that Light had a string of love affairs rather than the one or two he had written in his show. He looked a little more dazed than usual.

"Light, you do know that if you kill them Ryuzaki will convict you of murder." Naomi said offhandedly, "I'm pretty certain that shooting tied up hostages in the head is not considered collateral damage or an action of self-defense."

"Why would Light want to kill…" Matsuda trailed off as both Duck and Naomi gave him the look L gave him before he sent him out on a coffee and donuts run. Matsuda had long since learned that the look was the cue to either shut up or get food. He chose to shut up.

Light released Naomi and began to circle about the chairs looking like a vulture who had just spotted a dying cow in the middle of the desert. He stopped in front of them, crossed his arms, and observed the situation with a smile.

"That would make things far too easy for our friend Ryuzaki." Light mused as he looked down at them, "No, I don't think I will kill Mello or his ginger friend."

"Matt," Matt interjected.

"Doormat?" Light asked.

"No, my name is Matt." Matt responded beginning to look slightly annoyed.

Light sighed and said, "I don't care what your name is."

Naomi interrupted before they could get in a bickering match that would rival the ones that Light would have with L, "Light I think this is a big moment of personal growth for you, now let's go before you ruin it."

Matsuda looked as if he was about to question what was going on again but before he could do so everyone shot him a warning glance.

Light didn't move but continued to leer over both Mello and Matt, "No, I think I'm going to have to let Ryuzaki deal with the two of you."

Naomi sighed, "Light, are you sparing their lives for the sole purpose of making Ryuzaki as miserable as you?"

Light just smiled. That was answer enough. Yep, L was going to regret ever being born. Light didn't torment L with impending death and blatant messages, no, he purposefully went out of his way to find things that would add just that right detail to L's personal hell. Whether that be a lack of wealth, the constant presence of Matsuda, or Mello's continued survival and presence in L's life.

Because of course Light would go with Duck's plan and backstory, if only to torment L. L would see through it right away but there would be nothing he could do without finally triggering mutiny among the shipmates. After four years Ide had developed quite the dead pan from dealing with L, Naomi was convinced that half of the normal members thought L might secretly be Kira himself and pinned it on Light for sexual favors (how else could the case have possibly lasted that long and been that ridiculous). Of course, they didn't mention that theory around Soichiro.

Naomi could help but look at Light's childish grin and shudder inside, "Light, am I the only one that knows you're certifiably insane?"

"He's goddamn crazy!" Mello supported from his position in the chair as he tried to wriggle his way out of the situation, "You know they said Kira was tripping balls bat-shit crazy, BUT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THEM!"

"Well, he is carrying a gun." Matt mused from his position of defeat while tied to a chair, "And anyone carrying a gun with that look on their face has a few different colored light bulbs in their chandelier." Matt nodded his head to Light's face.

"I knew he was crazy before it was popular." Duck said from his position in the back of the room, "Of course, besides mother that is. Mother knew he was crazy but has gained the unfortunate reputation as L's schizophrenic plaything and thus no one takes her seriously. Sorry mother, but it's true."

Naomi knew that if she was looking at her face at that moment she would see a mirror of Ryuzaki's when he was told by Matsuda that there was a drug dealer in the apartment next door, "I know."

Matsuda looked around at everyone and eventually managed to splutter, "Light… I think you're okay…"

Unfortunately what the rest of them didn't realize was that Light didn't give a good damn about their opinions and as far as he was concerned the weight of their thoughts possessed as much force as dog food. Duck was probably aware of that situation and unconcerned by it but Mello probably thought he was more of a power in Kira's life than dog food.

"Matsuda, untie our guests." Light said turning to Matsuda.

Matsuda blinked, "But I thought you said…"

"I'm not in support of terrorism as a general rule but I also believe in lesser evils. In stopping the greatest enemy of the free world I may have to put up with Mello for a bit of time, however this is something I can tolerate if the need arises. We'll just use whatever backstory Naomi's bastard son came up with to explain their presence to you." Light said with a shrug of his shoulders.

Naomi sent him the glare of death hoping to impart that she did not want Matsuda getting any ideas in his head about that bastard son line. Of course Light could have been implying the non-literal use of bastard but that would be far too common for a pun by Light.

A shroud of darkness had fallen over Duck and a wordless threat and promise of death was emanating from his eyes, "Really, is that so?"

Matsuda was trying very hard not to look at Duck who was suddenly far more terrifying than Light had ever managed to be. Only Light seemed to be immune to the chill that had swallowed the room.

"Ah… So… They aren't really Mello and … Doormat then?" Matsuda asked slowly.

"Matt," Matt interjected from the chair.

Light looked at Matsuda and seemed to reevaluate Matsuda's intelligence to an all new low, "No, Matsuda, I don't believe they are."

"Oh, okay then…" Matsuda said slowly, "You know Light, you were kind of scaring me there for a minute…"

Naomi guessed it had been a long day for him, learning all that information at once must have lowered his IQ. One can't accept that Light was an evil bastard in a five minute conversation, so Matsuda had been forced to conclude that Mello wasn't really Mello at all but someone Light was saying was Mello to get back at L for being a horrible bastard. L was allowed to be a bastard but as far as Matsuda was concerned Light was only allowed to get as far as revenge.

Duck interrupted Naomi's thought process on Matsuda by saying in a cold Light-like voice with eyes that burned like grey fire, "Well then, I suppose we should learn who they really are then. Since they're apparently not Mello and his homeboy lover."

Matt looked as if he wanted to reject being called Mello's homeboy lover but thought better of it, or perhaps lacked the words to refute it, he had spoken a lot today. It wasn't like him, perhaps he had used up his quota and would have to wait until the next day.

Matt looked at Mello, Duck looked at Mello, Light looked at Mello, and Naomi looked at all of them. Mello's face twitched, "What the hell are you guys looking at me for?" Mello screamed and the hope of Mello being at all competent was squashed and the attention turned to Matt.

"We're from Wammy's. I'm D and he's F. We left. It was nuts. I started smoking. L died. We heard Mello became a terrorist. Near became involved. We got kind of worried. We came to talk to Mello or take his weapon of mass destruction. It didn't work out."

And everyone kept staring at Matt waiting for a more eloquent not disjointed explanation that had some details. He only stared back, blinking periodically, clearly not used to the bright light of his dim holding cell without sunglasses or goggles. Eventually Duck cleared his throat and looked at his larger companions with wide innocent eyes that contradicted everything he had ever said or thought.

"Well, there we have it. They're Wammy's expatriates seeking to foil terrorism and nuclear war." Duck summarized, "Though how they found Mello is…"

"He sends postcards." Matt said shortly interrupting Duck, Duck turned to glare at him but then managed to smile charmingly.

"Yes, I'm sure he does." Duck said his voice and smile strained.

"Oh, well, that's a relief. I thought everyone who came out of that place was crazy. Nice to meet you guys, I'm sure Ryuzaki will be thrilled." Matsuda extended his hand to the hostages and then remembered that they were tied to chairs. He then quickly resumed his task of untying the ropes, to speed things up Light produced a pocketknife and handed it to Matsuda.

"You have knives too now?" Naomi asked.

"One can never be too careful; you never know when a rapist is lurking around a corner." Light said in a lofty superior tone which was ironic since Naomi had that perspective on rapists long before Light ever did. Light used to just kill them with his god-like powers, now he would gouge their eyes out for good measure.

"…Right." Naomi said thinking of a blind L stumbling about his squalid apartment after having his eyes gauged out with a pocket knife.

Naomi could just tell that her situation was going to get even worse as she looked at the affronted and terrified (and freed from his bonds) Mello, Matt's dull expression, the glint of murder in Duck's eyes, Matsuda's blatant confusion, and Light with not only a gun but a pocket knife. Somehow, in pursuing the Kira case, L in the most unimaginable way possible had handed Kira the keys to his own destruction.

She almost pitied L but then she remembered Beyond Birthday and decided that karma did exist after all.

_Everything's coming together so well_

**Author's Note: To quote myself, "Everything's coming together so well." Anyway, thanks for the reviews and the reading, it's great. Feel free to leave some more. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	71. Chapter 71

Normally Naomi would have been annoyed that L had called an emergency meeting just after she had been kidnapped. However under normal circumstances Light would still be unaware that he had an illegitimate child who was four years old and possibly as intelligent as he was. Anything that delayed the inevitable conversation concerning said four year old was fine in her book.

Still 'anything' was a bit stretched when anything included introducing Mello and his ginger dog Matt to the man whom they had dedicated their lives to being facsimiles of and failed terribly. Anything was also stretched when Matsuda was going into shock as he realized that Light Yagami wasn't actually homosexual and hadn't been for the five years that Matsuda had known him.

Apparently Matsuda had thought Hikaru Imagay was an accurate representation. Which was somewhat frightening now that she thought about it. All the ride back he kept looking at Light and then looking back as if taking in for the first time that Light lived at Naomi's house and had been stalking her for the past five years. Not that Naomi was bitter, or anything.

They gathered once again in L's squalid apartment with the addition of Duck, Mello, and Matt in order to find out just what the hell was going on. Still, it was better than public television and interviews with Takada Kiyomi.

L sat in his throne otherwise known as the only computer chair in the room that actually worked reasonably well. He sighed and looked at his employees in distaste and began the meeting by asking, "Do you think that maybe we can progress to the point where we are not kidnapped and thus blackmailed for incredibly dangerous materials?"

The task force just looked at L with the expression L normally reserved for Misa early in the morning. As of late the task force had become less amused with L's antics and methods and had taken to glaring openly at him during meetings. Not that L noticed or cared but it was nice to let out some non-verbal hatred.

"Well maybe if we had some sort of a means of security and you didn't live in a brothell…" Naomi began but was cut off by L before she could point out that technically Mello was supposed to have the notebook (or so they had told the team) so clearly they weren't being blackmailed for dangerous materials and Mello was just insane.

"This is just embarrassing. If it were known that my employees cannot help themselves from getting kidnapped what will become of my detective enterprise?" L asked looking at Light with a rather exasperated look as if for pity. "Light, what am I to do with this much incompetence?"

Light just smiled charmingly at Ryuzaki from his position with the rest of the group, "I wouldn't know Ryuzaki, after all you're the world's greatest detective. I'm just your drugged up bitch."

And clearly a memory-less night with L had not done wonders for Light's psyche or for L's future.

Naomi and Duck both turned to look at Light. They looked at each other. Eventually it was Duck who said, "What the hell did he do to you?"

"Ryuzaki taught me the true meaning of friendship and love." Light said the happy expression immediately gone to be replaced by a far more natural expression, one of mild distaste and tried patience.

Matsuda blinked and looked up and then looked at Naomi and then L, "What?"

Poor Matsuda, someday Naomi was going to have to take pity and fill him in because no one else was going to do it. But someday was not in the middle of a meeting with L, Light, Matt, Mello, and Duck all in the same room. Also she had a feeling that the conversation would result in many new changes and additions to Matsuda's soap opera which would not go unnoticed by the rest of the task force.

L looked at Light in exasperation, "Why am I always blamed for these things? I have done nothing I'll have you know, to warrant this type of reaction."

Naomi interrupted with her usual response, "You handcuffed yourself to him for months and you watched him in the shower and you drugged his food."

"Those actions were all completely necessary." L said reaching for food to eat so that he could pretend to have something better to do than talk to his lesser employees. Also to hide the fact that his statement was his only response to that accusation and he had been giving the same response for the last four years.

Naomi sighed and pinched her temples desperately wishing she was somewhere else, "Well, I think this just clearly shows that L needs a new handler since Watari isn't here to do his job. Do they have an orphanage for that, training to keep L in line so that he doesn't live in an apartment that probably has five murders a week and so that he doesn't attempt to induce Stockholm Syndrome in his primary suspects in a homicide case?"

Matt answered, "Not that I know of, I don't think Watari thought that part through…"

Crossing his arms and looking thoroughly unamused at his having to attend the Kira task-force meeting Duck added, "I think Watari was one of those poor saps who has enough faith in mankind to believe that his pet detective would not be a socially stunted monkey and thus would grow out of his bizarre habits given time and maturing circumstances."

L stared down at Duck with his usual dead-pan/drug-addicted stare and then looked to Aizawa and asked, "Who invited the hobbit?"

Aizawa looked down at Duck and gave a short explanation, "Naomi's son was also kidnapped by Mello."

At the mention of his name Mello crossed his arms and fidgeted trying to impose his authority on a room that so far was content with ignoring his presence completely.

"Really, good for Mello. Kidnapping children now, he's moving up in the world clearly." L said, "But I don't see why I'm saddled with the hobbit just because Mello…"

"Who do you think you're talking about, bitch?" Mello interrupted in a fit of rage. Somehow without the transvestite outfit it just didn't look the same. Watching a blonde version of Hikaru Imagay insult you and call you bitch wasn't nearly as terrifying as Mello as a transvestite, which in its own way said a lot.

The room finally began to focus on Mello. Despite being slightly sweaty and ruffled he looked more normal than he probably had ever before in his life. Still, he didn't look like the type to be trying to pass himself off as Samuel L. Jackson. He lacked both height and black skin color.

L looked at him briefly and turned to Aizawa asking, "Yes, that was my other question, why did we bring Matsuda's muse into my office?"

Aizawa blinked and looked at Mello and Matt. Having gotten the Wammy story run down he looked back at L more confused and said, "I'm sorry?"

"That boy reeks of Hikaru Imagay," L motioned to Mello with a vague hand gesture not even bothering to look at him, "One can practically taste the sparkles fluttering through the air."

The task force focused more on Mello and several nods could be seen. Naomi wanted to point out to L that she had known that Mello was Hikaru Imagay in the flesh the moment she saw him in a school-boy uniform but knowing L he would just use it to bring up the fact that only those who were more incompetent than Matsuda got themselves kidnapped by a transvestite twice.

"What did you call me, crack-head?" Mello said about to make a motion to pull L off his throne before he was restrained by Matt. Clearly Mello had yet to figure out that 'crack head' was his beloved L.

L held up his hands in mock apology as he prepared himself to bring out the worst of his personality, "Imagay, not I am gay. I'd be careful of what accusations I chase after, one might approach Freud's slippery slope."

Mello's only response to that was to delve further into his black side and attempt to make a pun at the same time, "Ima…Imma pop a cap in your ass!"

Only a joke about L's mother could have sunk lower.

Naomi could only watch in shame as Matt attempted to pull Mello back from the confrontation with L which would only lead to L wiping the floor with Mello's sad blonde face. Not that it wouldn't be enjoyable to watch it would just be kind of pitiful. It was also somewhat pitiful that neither realized who the other was. If L knew that blonde Hikaru Imagay was Mello he was doing a good job of not showing it and not acting out of the ordinary, but Naomi didn't peg L as a man who was overflowing with that much self-control.

"Well, we sort of thought you'd know who they were…" Matsuda started after an awkward silence where L watched Mello struggle against his best friend's arms with a rather bemused expression.

"Why's that? Do you think I have a secret… (What did Misora-san call it, a ghetto-blaster-complex?) and thus meet with my compatriots by night in order to pretend that I too was a pimp in another life?" L glanced briefly at Matsuda, "By the way if you did happen to make Y a secret pimp in your screen play I would not be insulted."

Matsuda just looked blankly at L and then said, "I think Y's too busy to be a pimp."

Aizawa tried to pull the conversation back on track, "What we mean is that they're from Wammy's L, you should know who they are."

L paused his face instantly freezing, "They're from where?"

Naomi sighed and decided to make it extremely clear just in case L purposefully missed anything for the sake of his precious sanity, "They're from Watari's detective factory, the one where your heirs came from." Naomi put her hands on her hips, "Why else do you think they're here?"

L still appeared to be caught by the knowledge that he was supposed to have a personal connection with these children but had been avoiding it for the better part of the last twenty years and now had to pretend to care for their existence. Needless to say he was not handling it well.

"Don't you know what that place does to people?" L finally managed to splutter out he then desperately pointed to Light, "It turns them into Light, but worse, less intelligent, less pretty, and with less good manners."

Duck meandered his way over to Mello and Matt who were still locked in a fierce battle over whether or not L's ass should taste grass he then looked at Light and said, "I hate to agree with the famous detective but he does have a point. They do have less good manners than our esteemed Boogey Man."

Light crossed his arms and surveyed L with a raised eyebrow, "What do you mean it turns them into me? Unlike you I actually do manage to have friends and hold a conversation without it ending terribly. I'd say they turn into you, but more pathetic."

Naomi turned to the sane side of the room who were watching the debate with about as much interest as watching paint dry and asked, "Is less good manners a term now?"

L normally would have brought up the point that while he had no manners at least he wasn't a serial killer who thought he was god. However he was distracted by the fact that two boys who held him as a father figure were in the room, "Why the hell did you bring them? What's wrong with you?"

Really, he was going to blame this on them. Well, Naomi always knew that L had no manners and no sense of shame but this was going too far. It wasn't their fault that his orphanage was so incompetent that instead of spewing out little Einsteins it gushed terrorists with poor etiquette. She had always been kind of on L's side, sort of, because they really did have to do something about Light. This however was too much, even the task force had begun debating whether they should switch sides and hand over power to Light and just pretend like L really died.

"You asshole! Don't you dare blame this on us!" Naomi shoved a finger into L's face and drew close, "This is all on you! It is not our fault that you are a terrible person and neglected your duty of actually talking to the children that worshipped you! It is also not our fault that one of them turned into a transvestite terrorist! So help me god if you try to blame this on anyone other than yourself I will beat you so hard that you will wish you were dead!"

L looked somewhat surprised, apparently he hadn't expected that. Light looked somewhat surprised apparently he hadn't expected that either. Duck just gave a pair of thumbs up. L opened his mouth to say something and then closed it. He looked at his team who looked shocked as well, he looked at the two newcomers, and then he looked at Duck.

"Well, who exactly are these two fine alumni of my fine establishment?" L asked with a cheerful smile as he carefully placed a hand on Naomi's and pulled it down so that it wasn't in his face.

Naomi backed up and said slowly, "I'm glad we've come to an agreement, Ryuzaki."

L just ignored her and looked at Aizawa for explanation. Apparently Aizawa wasn't willing to enter any sort of conversation with L so he looked at Light for support. Light looked as if he was scheming L's demise but put a halt on the train of thought with irritation in order to give L the rundown, "This is D and F. They're, as you said, alumni of your fine orphanage that pits children against one another to see who will become king of the mountain. Needless to say neither of them posed any competition to your precious Near."

At that comment Mello turned his rage to Light Yagami while still being held back by Matt, "I will kill you if you mention that name again!"

Light continued without sparing a glance for Mello, "… As shown by F's jealous outburst and emotional instability. I believe they were ranked fifth and sixth, or at least those were the numbers they told me. They became worried when Mello decided to solve the Kira case through terrorism and decided to talk things out. It did not go well."

L looked at the pair of them seemingly confused and then pointed out, "But they're still alive."

Light's eyebrows descended showing that he was swiftly growing tired of having to convey to L what should already be obvious, "That comment implies that you have faith that Mello is competent. Remember, I said it did not go well, in the context that it was Mello who captured them and not and not (how shall I put this…) me."

Light's eyes in that moment burned with more scarlet fire than Naomi had seen before in public. It seemed that in that moment Light had blatantly, in front of everyone, told L that he was going to kill him in the most painful way imaginable but only after he suffered humiliation and the presence of his heirs first. L stared deep into Light's eyes and as he did Light's face transformed into a hellish grin to the point where Naomi could with confidence label him as the devil.

Duck coughed and tugged on Naomi's sleeve. She looked down to find him staring up at her with wide gray eyes and childishly he asked, "Is this what happens at your work?"

Naomi thought the question over, "Yeah, this happens a lot."

Duck nodded slowly and then looked up again, "Are they supposed to look like they're married?"

Both Light and L looked down at Duck then who just blinked innocently up at them. L coughed and asked in a loud voice, "Why is the hobbit still here?"

Duck answered for him, "The hobbit was kidnapped and thus a witness to Mello it was thought that you liked witnesses and might want to talk to the hobbit. However the hobbit agrees that the hobbit could be doing much better things right now than wasting it's time watching two men with repressed homosexual tendencies threaten and insult each other while posing as great detectives."

Light's glare of death transferred itself perfectly onto Duck on whom it settled without any trouble. He contented himself just to stare at Duck with the fires of death in his eyes it said probably more death threats than he was willing to say in front of L. L continued to look vaguely stunned.

L pointed to the Matt/Mello struggle session which had been steadily escalating as they progressed throughout the meeting, "I believe you should be looking in that direction."

Duck smiled and shook his head, "I said repressed homosexual tendencies. I believe the entire purpose of the Hikaru Imagay style is that he has blatantly exited the closet in a fantastic array of fireworks and musical numbers."

Matsuda just looked at Mello and then at Duck finally he asked, "Do most four year olds…"

"No." Naomi answered for him shortly.

"Has he always…"

"Yes."

"Oh. Should you do something about this?"

Naomi shrugged, "Should we do something about Light?" She asked rhetorically, "Or Ryuzaki for that matter, we should but we won't."

"Oh." Matsuda responded again.

The room then fell into awkward silence as the various task force members thought up ways to make L accept the present situation and do something about it. It lasted a good five minutes and as it wore on Naomi found herself wondering what Raye was doing with all these kidnapping adventures it can't have been easy for him. She'd have to ask him when she got back.

Duck sighed and looked up at Naomi, "Do you absolutely have to be here for this?"

Naomi thought about it. Probably not, knowing Light he'd give her a run-down in the kitchen later just by venting. L might actually appreciate it if she removed Duck from the premises and didn't come back. He'd appreciate it more if she took Matsuda as well but there was no way in hell that Matsuda was coming over to her apartment. She still couldn't get Light to move out, god knows what would happen if Matsuda became trapped there as well.

"I don't think so." Naomi said to Duck.

She gave a small wave to her compatriots, "Well, when you sort things out or you want the witnesses to be present give me a call. In the meantime you can get back to your sexual tension and reunions. If we actually do anything important, well Light, Ryuzaki, you know where to reach me."

Naomi then tugged on Duck's hand and he gave a small wave as well, they were almost through the door when she heard Matsuda asked, "Wait, why'd she only say Light and Ryuzaki's name when she asked if we actually did anything important? Do you think, do you think that maybe Naomi thinks we're incompetent."

And Naomi was now very glad she had left so that she wouldn't have to tell Matsuda the truth to his face.

_Do you have any idea what I had to suffer through today?_

_Any at all?  
I had to watch L pretend to be Ryuzaki the private investigator hired by L _

_And Mello pretend to be Frodo Wammy's fifth place heir._

_Do you realize that neither of them can act?_

_In their fifth grade play they would both earn the role of the tree._

_Neither was believable. _

_Yet they are both so desperate _

_To not have the other realize their identity_

_That they are the equivalent of ostriches and have stuck their_

_Heads so far in the ground they could hear earthquakes in Canada._

_In other words,_

_How dare you leave me alone with these people!_

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and leaving reviews, it was great. Leave more because they're great. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	72. Chapter 72

"So then, what exactly is the truth regarding my conception."

Duck had waited until they were alone in the kitchen and mugs of coffee were in front of both of them before he dropped that bombshell. He looked strangely somber, Duck always had a serious adult air but he rarely looked as if he wasn't somehow enjoying the terrible nature of the situation.

Naomi took a sip of her coffee and debated how to best approach the topic. At least they were alone, Raye had gone to bed and wouldn't be waking up any time soon, Light was bound to be a couple more hours and when he returned he'd be too sleep-deprived and irritable to function properly. That gave them plenty of time at least, but still, there were just some things that Naomi didn't want to approach.

Eventually Naomi decided on brute honesty, "I'm not entirely sure myself."

Duck gave her a blank look, "What?"

Naomi shrugged, "Well, as you've guessed Light is your real father. I actually thought you've known for some time but I guess it never really sank in before. You're a carbon copy of him you just happen to take after me physically so no one has actually noticed before. Or they're all just in heavy denial; the idea of Light having children is extremely frightening after all."

Duck sipped his coffee, "What's to second guess then?"

Naomi really wasn't sure how she was going to drop this bombshell. She eyed Duck carefully wondering if like Light when under heavy amounts of stress he would resort to smiling cheerfully and planning her murder. She opened her mouth slowly and said, "Well, that's an interesting story."

"You're stalling, don't tell me that Ryuk is my father." Duck said with narrowed eyes.

Naomi spat out her coffee and began to choke, "What? Oh dear god, no, never, oh goddamn no. Ach. Why would you even think… And how the hell do you know about Ryuk?" Goddamn shinigami every time her back was turned he did something stupid for his own entertainment like spread knowledge of shinigami to Light's illegitimate child.

"He does live here." Duck pointed out casually, "It's pretty obvious if you know where to look."

Naomi began to choke on her coffee again this time more out of the realization that not only was Light freeloading but his pet clown was as well than the horrified thought of having sex with Ryuk, "For your information Duck, Ryuk officially lives with Misa so that she won't feel as if Light has abandoned her for the sake of annoying me. (Also because Light didn't want to have to deal with him all the time but that's another story.) And also the sex thing could never have happened because shinigami don't have sex organs."

Plus as Naomi had found out in Las Vegas Ryuk was only interested in humans when it came to Light.

Duck blinked, "Oh, well, I'm glad I've learned that very interesting fact."

Naomi looked down on her coffee wondering if it was worth a third attempt at drinking and decided it wasn't. She frowned, "By the way speaking of unspeakables do you still possess the portable nuclear reactor?"

"Yes, I checked. Why, worried about the zombie apocalypse?" Duck asked.

Naomi looked around the room to make sure no one was listening and then imparted very confidential information, "It may be just a feeling but every time I think about that thing I just get this feeling that it will wind up in Matsuda's hands and…"

The ending of that sentence wasn't even necessary to speak aloud.

"Right. That is surprisingly plausible… I should prevent that from occurring at all costs." Duck said to himself, "Is it sad that we've basically agreed that a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of a serial killer is far better than said weapon in the hands of well-meaning Matsuda?"

Naomi shook her head, "At this point it's just realistic." She sipped her coffee and then spit it out again and raised her head as a thought hit her belatedly, "Wait a minute, how long have you been able to see Ryuk?"

Duck shrugged, "A couple years now? Why?"

Naomi set down her coffee, "Duck, you're only four. Couple of years is half your life."

Duck shrugged again, "Yes, I realize that. I think he slipped me a bit of the notebook when I was two."

Naomi's eye twitched and she decided to get down to business and get some questions answered. Naomi had always been aware that Duck was basically an adult trapped inside a shrunken body. Still being absurdly intelligent was different than being an adult. Naomi hadn't known Light as a toddler but while he probably was very smart he wouldn't have been… Duck… Sachiko would have looked far more tired than she was now.

"Duck," Naomi started slowly, "I know you don't know many children but you must notice they're… a little different. For example they tend to have the attention span and memory retention of a gold-fish. Do you…" Naomi trailed off and was cut off abruptly by Duck.

"I remember being born and it was terrible." Duck said shortly with a face that brooked no arguments, "Let's not discuss it."

Naomi paled. Well, it probably was a horribly disorienting experience. You're nice and warm and all of the sudden something is shoving you into the white abyss where the cold air tears and your skin and hands are clawing at you from all directions. And as you're pulled from the warmth you realize that you are bathed in your mother's blood…

"Right." Naomi said slowly looking down at her coffee again knowing in her heart that she would never truly finish it.

"Forgive me, but was that a transition into your original point about my birth? It's just, you know, after four years of insisting that Raye Penber is not my father and finding out he is indeed not my father I'd like to get this issue settled." Duck said cheerfully with a small laugh looking exactly like Light.

"Well, you know how I sometimes have these crazy theories that end up being right? Like clowns ruling the universe and L looking like a crack-head…" Naomi said slowly with a broad hand gesture of tentative theory.

"Yes." Duck said.

Naomi waited a few seconds before continuing, "Well, this feels like one of those but I could be wrong. You see as you were growing up I began to realize that you're just too smart to be normal, it's actually not even intelligence that's the problem, you're too self-aware to be normal."

"I'm sorry?" Duck said slowly with a raised eye-brow.

Naomi shook her head, "It's hard to explain. The point is that even Light as a child, brilliant as he is now, wouldn't have talked and acted like you. Hell, even L as a child wouldn't have been you."

Duck just gave her a look and said, "Are they supposed to be my role models?"

Naomi shook her head again, "You're missing the point. The point is that you barely act human."

"What?" Was Duck's only response.

"You once asked why the notebook didn't give Light cancer. Well, my theory is that it did. Not the cancer so much as an irreversible effect on the body that would come with overuse. I suspect that it has changed Light subtly from what he used to be and in the process changed you." Naomi said rapidly so that she wouldn't have to actually think about what she was saying.

"What?" Duck repeated slowly.

"I'm not saying that you're not human just..." Naomi trailed off in search of a phrase, "You are Light's son but even for Light's children this can't be normal. Again, it's just one of my crazy theories that might be wrong but I felt I should tell you in case you demand a DNA test and things come out weird."

Duck stared at Naomi for a good minute before repeating, "If things come out weird."

"Yeah." Naomi said slowly.

Duck continued to stare with large grey eyes before he nodded slowly, "This… This kind of makes sense."

Naomi was stunned. She realized that she was much more horrified now that Duck was agreeing with her and that secretly she had been hoping to be proved wrong. Strike that not secretly; learning her child was the notebook in human form was the last thing she wanted to know.

Duck smiled slowly, "You know, I think I'm alright with this. I was somewhat worried that Light was my father but now learning that he's responsible for possibly less than a third of my genetics makes me feel somewhat better."

Naomi held up a hand, "Don't say that, it's just a theory! It's not even a plausible theory! Things like that don't happen in our universe. Just because the universe is run by clowns doesn't mean superhero laws of physics actually apply."

Duck's smile grew, "Yet our laws of physics do not account for a realm filled with Gods of Death. So clearly we don't know everything. Besides it's much more likely that Light Yagami was affected physically by a tool that twists the fabric of time and space than not at all."

Naomi grabbed Duck by the shoulders, "No, you don't understand. You're not supposed to want to be whatever the hell it is I'm suggesting."

Duck shrugged, "If it means I have less of his DNA then I'm fine with it. I would much rather be the son of a magical notebook and you than Light Yagami."

"That's a horrible point of view!" Naomi retaliated shaking her son in order to snap some sense and human pride back into him.

Duck shrugged again, "Not really, if you think about it. A magical notebook whose sole purpose is to destroy might have better morals than Kira."

"No… It probably… We don't even know if it's sentient!" Naomi screamed loosening her grip on Duck's arms in order to think of the thoughts that a notebook might be thinking.

Duck began to grin and leaned back in his chair adding calmly, "And if I'm the son of a notebook this makes me more of a god than my supposed father."

Naomi wanted to die, "Light isn't your supposed father, he is your father!"

Duck waived his hand and brushed away the comment, "I am not interested in technicalities, Light may technically have aided in my conception but who cares to guess how involved he really was."

Naomi really wanted to die, "Light was not some medium for the notebook to channel its energies through in order to impregnate me! Believe me, that sex, was all Light." She really couldn't believe she had even said that sentence.

Duck grinned and shook his head as if taunting her, "You can't know that mother. None of us can. Yes, I like this theory a lot better than the last one."

"Can we go back to the theory that Raye is your father?" Naomi asked pitifully just wishing for her terrible epiphany to end.

"Please no, even having Light for a father is better than having Raye." Duck said, "This is wonderful, now I can even start my own religion claiming to be an avatar of Kira's own god, and I'll be legitimate."

Naomi slammed her hand on the table, "No starting religions! That is a terrible idea!"

Duck looked at her and stirred his coffee with a finger smiling and said, "You can be the Virgin Mary, mother."

"Except I wasn't a virgin so that wouldn't work and then you'd be found out and shot." Naomi said through gritted teeth not willing to imagine herself in statues holding her infant child with candles all around and people singing "Ave Naomi".

"Details." Duck said with a wave of his hand brushing aside the comment, "It's the idea of virginity that counts anyway."

"There wasn't any idea of virginity! He called it victory sex! And we did it twice! You're just clinging to this because you don't want to accept the fact that Light Yagami is your father!" Naomi shouted from across the table hoping desperately that Raye wouldn't wake up to hear what was going on. She had no idea how she was going to explain that one.

Duck's expression became somber once again and he closed his eyes and began to speak as if chanting and conveying the wisdom of the earth. "I cling to nothing. I accept fully that Light is my earthly father because I also accept your diagnosis that something is odd about my situation. I accept all truths presented to me and bat my eye at nothing. I am one with the universe…"

Naomi interrupted him, "Do not give me that I-am-one-with-the-universe bullshit! Claiming to be a demi-god based on theories that I came up with in order to explain why Light Yagami's child would be abnormal are not to be taken as universal truths!"

Duck just continued his conveying of the thoughts of the universe, "I am connected with all things around me both man and notebook. I accept that which I am, have been, and will come to be. I am that I am and will continue to be so though the world my blow falsehoods upon my doorstep…"

Naomi was very close to tearing her hair out, "I don't even think you're saying anything anymore! You realize this doesn't change the fact that Light is your father and that you two are going to have to talk to each other."

Duck continued without hesitation, "I accept the fact that I will have to talk to the medium through which the notebook incarnated itself in order to procure my own existence in the universe…"

"Goddammit! Duck! That is not how we solve our daddy issues!" Naomi said, "In fact this isn't how we solve any of our problems!"

Duck stopped his chanting and smiled like a cheerful little boy, "I'm sorry but mother I no longer have daddy issues, remember? For the first time in four years I actually know who my father is and I have accepted that reality."

"No you haven't! Saying you're god just because you don't like your father is not accepting reality!" Naomi pointed out with a finger in the miniature self-claimed deity's face he just smiled and accepted it as he had accepted the rest of 'reality'. "And that's also not avoiding daddy issues!" She added on as an after-thought.

Duck just smiled his Light-smirk and said calmly, "I don't blame you mother, this has been a day of revelations for us all, but one day you will see my side of things."

She just stared at him at that point. Her mouth probably open but she didn't have time or the thoughts to spare to notice that little detail. All she could do was look at her son, the charming miniature version of Light Yagami, declare himself a god and announce his beginning of a state religion in order to avoid the fact that he was indeed the son of Yagami Light.

There was something so wrong that she lacked the words to express it.

"Are you alright, mother?" Duck's expression changed slowly to one that was more concerned. She still didn't manage to move for a few awkward seconds and his concerned eyes grew steadily bigger.

"Mother?" He asked again.

"Duck, don't tell any of this to Light."

And that was the most Naomi was going to think about that until she could wrap her head around it more thoroughly.

_Mello: There's no way you're L crack-head._

_Ryuzaki: That's right, I am a crack head. Because L would never look like this or ignore anyone for any amount of time. Especially children. _

_Mello: There's also no way that I'm Mello because there's no way Mello would let himself be captured by the enemy!_

_Ryuzaki: Yes… And there's no way that I'm L because I would never let something as horrifying as Mello join the mafia._

_Mello: What do you mean horrifying?_

_Ryuzaki: Well, Mello is a transvestite._

_Mello: What does that make you crack-head?_

_Ryuzaki: Not L. _

_Mello: Damn right you're not L! _

_Ryuzaki: Yes. That is right. _

_*cue awkward silence*_

_Matsuda: So… I've got a new idea for our next season of the Boogey Man._

_Naomi, this is what my day has been like._

_I need someone to share my misery with. _

**Author's Note: And it's at this point that I realize that even I'm not sure what's going on anymore. Thank you for the reviews and the reading. Reviews are always great.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	73. Chapter 73

Naomi was still sitting at the table thinking that somehow her life had gotten worse when Light found her. She hadn't been able to move, even when Duck had abandoned her for his dreams of god-hood and conquering the earth. There was nowhere to move because she was surrounded. She was surrounded by lunatics.

So that's where Light found her. Sitting alone at the table staring into space thinking about how she was surrounded by lunatics. He closed the door softly behind him when he walked in his face hidden by shadow and hair.

Light walked over to the table pulled up a chair and sat gracefully down and eyed her with an amused smile. "You look like someone died."

Naomi looked at him blankly, "Sometimes I wish I was dead. Does that count?"

Light shook his head with that same smile, "Do you think that maybe we might be getting too old for this?"

Naomi continued to look at him blankly, "… Too old for what?"

"Police work. Strippers. Matsuda. Soap operas. Hikaru Imagay… This isn't what I had in mind when I signed up to work for the NPA's homicide division." Light rubbed his hand with his face and sighed.

Naomi just looked at him and said, "Really, because this is exactly what I expected."

Light just shook his head and said, "I'm too old for this shit."

"You're not even twenty-five yet." Naomi noted, "Besides I've been in this business longer than you have and I've dealt with way more shit than you."

Light gave her an appraising look and then broached his real topic of conversation, "You named my son after a bird that says quack… Why?"

Naomi gave Light an equally appraising look and said, "Because if I named him Cow then he'd say moo and no respectable child says moo."

"You are on the same wave length as cult fanatics and celebrities as far as naming children are concerned. You named my son… Duck…" Light said slowly as if the very word pained him.

"You named your son curtain." Naomi pointed out.

Light smiled cheerfully and said, "Naomi, don't interrupt."

Naomi stopped talking abruptly wondering if L had let Light keep the gun or if Light had managed to keep it on him after the meeting. She always had pause when seeing Light's murderer smile.

"Misa has been asking me about marriage… and children… I just keep imagining telling her that I already have a son and that his name is Duck. Even Misa couldn't come up with a name worse than that and she's liable to call the next little bastard Light Jr!" Light looked pointedly at her as if waiting for some explanation.

Naomi tried to explain it as best she could, "Light, imagine your country is being invaded by Vikings. They're pillaging, raping, burning down all the villages and all those things that are required of Vikings. Wouldn't it make it much harder to maintain a reputation if the dread leader of the Vikings was named Mr. Fluffy-Bunny?"

Light continued to look at her and his silence was audible, "…"

Naomi held out her hands, "Think of it as damage control. The more ridiculous his name the more difficult it will be to convince a cult mob that he's a god descended from heaven and then conquer the universe. Duck was the worst thing I could think of at the time."

Light's expression didn't change in the slightest, "…"

Naomi sighed thinking of the conversation she had just escaped, "Knowing Duck though he'll manage to turn it into a benefit and Tokyo will be destroyed by the terrible demigod Duck destroyer of worlds."

Light interrupted then, "I thought I was death destroyer of worlds."

Naomi shook her head, "No, you're just his secretary."

Light didn't look overly pleased by that comment and turned his attention to the window where Tokyo waited. He looked more pensive than he had in years and that worried Naomi perhaps even more than his murderous smile. A Light who was thinking was one who was planning your demise to be much more terrible than a mere heart attack.

"You know Naomi I think the great detective has outlived his usefulness." Light mused tapping his fingers on the table, "I think I've gotten lethargic in these recent years, peace has been degrading me, and something needs to be done."

Naomi put her face into her hands, "Dear Jesus Light, why now? And how would you get away with it, it's been four years, you can't blame this one on Rem. Rem's gone. And why? He's been around so long…"

"Are you trying to convince me on L's merit as a human being and all you can come up with is that he's been around for a long time?"

Naomi wondered if she should be ashamed of that but felt that it was in L's best interest that she continue, "So I'm not the best person to argue for his merits but I'm sure L has some redeeming features besides intelligence that I've just forgotten about… You can't just murder someone because you had to spend several hours alone with him, Matsuda, and his love-sick-stripper-fan-boy. That's not how things work."

Light looked at Naomi objectively and asked in a clear voice, "What does the world gain through L's continued existence?"

Naomi opened her mouth then closed it. She looked down at her hands and then managed to supply an answer, "He solves crimes. That's good."

"He also breeds insanity. If we look at the rate at which he solves cases versus the rate of the deterioration of sanity in Wammy's inhabitants I think we might have a different perspective." Light noted.

"Wammy's can't be that bad, I know we make jokes about it but…"

"It's that bad."

"How can you know?" Naomi asked incredulously.

"Have you looked at Mello recently? Not to mention Beyond Birthday. Who knows how many others are in there that we haven't found yet." Light said, "If solving cases is all L is good for we might as well throw him in the dumpster with his throat slit now."

"He's the closest thing to a friend you've ever had." Naomi pointed out and felt herself whither under Light's glare.

"Friends don't do what L has done to me. You are the closest thing to a friend I have ever had." Light added on the end causing Naomi to blink in surprise, he hadn't been that romantic since 'Victory Sex'.

"I don't count, I'm your secretary." Naomi replied blandly.

Light smiled at that and Naomi wondered how much the meeting had traumatized him, "You know originally killing L was just for Kira, then it was personal, now I'm not sure what it will mean to me but it will be wonderful."

Naomi took a breath, "You know Light, I'd really prefer it if you didn't kill anyone. Murder is generally considered to be… Unethical."

It probably wasn't a good sign for Light Yagami or for humanity's future that Light burst out into hysterics on par with Ryuk's. She probably should have seen that one coming. Still better to be distracted by L than to be distracted by Duck, she had expected something terrible but either Light was bottling it up for later or L had been so irritating that he had driven the problem of having a bastard son completely out of his head. Knowing Light it was probably the first and that this would take a while to get through with. Still as long as Naomi didn't have to deal with his shit she was fine. Perfectly fine. L however wouldn't be if Light decided to take out his personal issues on his life-span.

Light finally stopped laughing and said, "Naomi, sometimes you say the strangest things."

Naomi felt her eyebrows lower, "Should I be worried about humanity's future with you at the wheel? We aren't going to descend to human sacrifices in the name of the great Kira because I'll tell you now that I'm already having a bit of a problem with your televangelism."

Light nodded distractedly ignoring the comment on his murder problem, "Yes, I do really need to do something about Demegawa as well, he's getting a bit out of hand."

"A bit? He has a choir Light, he has a goddamn choir! And what do you mean do something? Tell me you aren't going to kill him too, he may be evil and greedy but he hasn't killed anyone!" Naomi pointed out slamming her hands on the table wondering if she was having any effect on Light at all or if she was just making things worse by trying.

"Oh no, I don't need to kill Demegawa. Please, if he conveniently happened to die I wouldn't be displeased… Don't look like that, all I need to do is find something incriminating enough to get him in prison for a couple years. I'm sure he has something…"

"You wouldn't be displeased? Light, you must realize you're going insane. Even for your standards this is…"

"I suspect you wouldn't be displeased either if he happened to conveniently die." Light interrupted for her looking at her through narrowed eyes.

"It's true that there are better people in the world but… We have to learn to put up with those around us and…"

"If the greatest argument for the continuation of certain lives is that we must learn a lesson in toleration then I might as well take up the pen and notebook now." Light noted coldly, "And why are we talking about morals anyway?"

Naomi threw up her hands, "Well Light, I really don't know. Apparently I'm the only one who thinks this way because every time I try to convince someone that killing someone is wrong they end up laughing. Maybe you're right and I'm the one who's insane. Who knows?"

There was a moment of silence where Naomi sat with her hands in the air waiting for someone to just go ahead and say that she was the one who had been nuts the whole time and that killing people was in fact condoned. Surprisingly it didn't come.

Light's eyes narrowed, "What were you doing before I got here?"

"Nothing. I was doing absolutely nothing."

"I don't believe you." Light said shortly, "You're normally not this desperately adamant about my reform. Something's bothering you, something bigger than usual."

Well there went not telling Light about Duck's ambitions for godhood. She did not want to see a deification rivalry but at this point it seemed unavoidable. She could delay it as long as she wanted but he still managed to clue in.

"I'm beginning to fear that the clowns who rule the universe are sadistic as well as insane." Naomi commented.

Light brushed that comment off, "I knew that years ago. It's something else."

Naomi looked at Light, "Well that's refreshing. You knew we were at the whims of a fickle and cruel council of gods and you didn't think to tell me?"

"You've known that for years as well. Were you talking to Raye before I got here?"

Naomi blinked, "No. Please, Raye and I don't talk about important things like clown-gods."

"You weren't talking about clown-gods."

"You weren't here, how do you know what I was doing?"

"No one talks about clown-gods."

"I talk about clown-gods."

"No, Naomi, even you don't say the term clown-gods in all seriousness."

"Well, maybe I should start because frankly Light the universe is ruled by clown-gods. Hell, there really is no other explanation and you know it too!" Naomi accused.

"The faith you place in the management of our world is almost inspirational." Light noted.

"What and yours is any better? You proclaimed yourself a god just because you happened to pick up…"

"Naomi, this distraction technique might work on my father but it's not going to work on me. Whatever you've learned it's very how would you deem it… Not good." Light interrupted looking pointedly at her.

"So now you insult your own father; you really have no shame." Naomi said causing Light to simply glare at her.

"Naomi, do I have to bring Ryuk in here?" Light asked as if he was her mother trying to get her to confess who had eaten the cookies.

Well he was going to find out eventually. If she was going to traumatize him it might mean that she wouldn't have to talk to him until morning at least. She stared at Light dully wondering what extensive trauma did physically to one's brain anyway, it must have some effect.

"Your son thinks he's more of god than you are." Naomi said blandly.

"What?"

And the plan of distracting Light through traumatization was a gold-mine of success.

_What?_

**Author's Note: Well, I feel like this was a lot of filler but whatever. Thanks for the reviews they were great. Reviews are always great.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	74. Chapter 74

Naomi found herself back at work.

Normally she would do anything within her power to avoid L and Matsuda for as long as physically possible. However, sometimes when life hands you lemons in one hand it hands you a grenade about to explode in the other. Naomi decided that for her health and everyone's safety she'd take the lemons. Also Light's progression into hysterics had been a good sign to get out of dodge even if L was getting out of dodge.

Still, there was no way in hell she'd be able to make lemonade out of this situation.

"Naomi, thank god you're back." L rushed up to her as soon as she walked through the door, "Hikaru is reverting back to his transvestite roots and I don't want him here when he blossoms into a beautiful butterfly."

Naomi pictured Watari teaching L how to tolerate others and failing horribly deciding that if ever L was going to say something offensive he'd just distract him with cheesecake until he lost interest in the human race entirely. The only problem was that it worked half way, L cared more about cheesecake than about people but he still was a bastard when given the opportunity.

Mello also rushed to the door dragging L out of the way, "Shut the hell up meth-bitch! Listen slut, I need you to pop a cap in this Ryuzaki's lame ass."

Mello indeed, without the supervision of Duck, was reverting quickly back into mafia-lord-transvestite gear. Somehow he had managed to find a pair of red leather pants that were perhaps a little too tight for comfort. Not just for his but mostly for everyone else's comfort. Also she had never heard anyone called a meth-bitch.

It couldn't possibly be worse than Light Yagami discovering he was a father.

"I missed you too…" Naomi said looking at both of them, L looking very desperate, and Mello looking angry and desperate (but in the sexual way rather than the actual desperation sense).

L grabbed her shoulders roughly and began to shake her, "You have to get rid of him, throw him out of a window…"

Naomi interrupted, "Goddammit Ryuzaki, that was four years ago. The jokes are getting really old. I do not throw people out of windows…"

L continued in spite of her as if that comment wasn't even worthy of his attention, "… Or something equally terrible and traumatic because if I have to spend another moment with Matsuda's inspiration I may have to kill him with my bear hands."

"As opposed to my bear hands?" Naomi noted drily. Naomi had the strange feeling of déjà vu as she realized that once again just like the LABB case she was handling L's crazy heirs for him just so that he didn't have to confront the fact that he was the worst role model ever.

"Yes, death by proxy is much better than first hand murder." L threw his hands up in the air dramatically, "Watari would normally handle these types of things for me except that Flamboyant here…" L motioned to Mello's leather pants.

"I think it's Frodo…" Matusda looked up and interjected but was promptly ignored by everyone. The team had taken their usual seats on the side lines and was watching the verbal ping pong match that usually appeared whenever Naomi or Light walked into headquarters. The only change in the game was that Mello, instead of being a spectator like his friend Matt, had decided he'd join the match too but failed to realize that ping pong is only played between two people.

L continued right over Matsuda's words "…Is his pet project and he's also dead."

Naomi looked at L who was still motioning to Mello as if something drastic needed to be done with the luggage that had appeared in his life. Naomi then said, "If you have learned anything in the past four years about morality and what it means to be human then I just can't see it."

L appeared to be at a loss for words and looked blank for a few moments after he realized that Naomi had refused with a calm face a direct order that could change the fate of the Kira case. The Kira case being L's personal comfort; the actual Kira case was having a meltdown in Naomi's kitchen at the thought of having fatherhood thrust upon him but was otherwise paving the road to hell with more-or-less good intentions just as usual.

"There is a fifty percent chance you're missing the point deliberately the other fifty percent is that Naomi Misora is just as incompetent as she pretends to be!" L pointed an accusing finger at her.

Naomi silently noted L's trend of using percentages had reappeared in her life just when she missed it the least. L loved his percentages; they always seemed to work in his favor in different situations. Need Matsuda to look impressed; Kira percentage, Light in a fit of rage; Kira percentage, everyone else vaguely irritated; Kira percentage. It was a go-to resource that had long since gotten very old.

Naomi pinched the bridge of her nose in mounting frustration. Anything was better than Light, anything was better than Light, anything was better than…

"Hey, the bitch may be dumb but she's a hell of a lot better than you Wonder Bread." Mello said making his presence remembered once again as a thing that spoke rather than just a heavy suitcase in L's room.

Great, now Mello was standing up for her by comparing L to toast. That's how pathetic her life had become. She also felt the need to point out that the name Wonder Bread suited Mello a hell of a lot more than it suited L but felt that at the rate her life was going it'd just be a waste of time.

"Thanks Frodo, but I think I can handle this." Naomi said as she squeezed her eyes shut and grip the bridge of her nose as she convinced herself that life had handed her at least one lemon and not two grenades.

"Like hell." Mello said.

That was the snapping point. She didn't know why but it was. It was the final splinter in glass that sent thin daggers cascading downwards to kill many innocent people below.

Naomi opened her eyes and looked at Mello then looked at L. She regarded them carefully, vivisecting them with cool gray eyes.

"I don't know why I have the life I do but I've attempted to live with it. When life hands you a bad hand it doesn't mean you don't play. And I have played, and played, and played. But I can't play anymore." She said softly in a voice that L would have recognized as Light's when he decided that L would be more miserable while living.

"I have played this game for four years now and I am very tired. If one of you doesn't rapidly change personalities into something other than yourself I will throw you out the window and this time there won't be a mattress underneath it." Naomi didn't blink but walked forward as she said it until she was staring L in his great black eyes, "Do you understand?"

Mello pointed at Naomi his face dropping, he looked at L and then back at her. Finally he asked, "Did that bitch just threaten me?"

He justly received a kick in the face and was sent flying backwards into the other members of the task force who were beginning to vacate the immediate area. Matsuda especially had acquired a great skill in getting out while the going was good by running out of the room with a shout that he'd be back with that coffee Ryuzaki wanted later. Mello however was infinitely less smart than Matsuda and crawled back up.

"What the hell?" Mello asked staring up at Naomi from across the room.

L stood behind Naomi and followed her as she stalked closer to Mello shouting words of encouragement, "If you kill him I'll have the body removed for you so don't let his death hold you back."

"I can't live like this anymore and I really don't like the idea of suicide. If this town isn't big enough for the two of us then, Frodo, it really means that it's not big enough for you." Naomi said as she walked forward listening distantly to L's silent cheers in the background.

"You think you can kill me, bitch?!" Mello said standing and cracking his knuckles, "I don't think you know who you're messing with."

"Oh, I really think I do." Naomi said with a smile that she knew looked eerily like Light's. It was at that point that the last of the straggling task force members spared Mello a pitying glance and then decided he valued his own safety more than he did L's guinea pig and made a run for it. Only L remained standing behind Naomi waiting for her to do the murder for him.

"Do you know who I am?! I said do you know who I am!" Mello said walking toward his impending doom attempting to look and talk like Samuel L. Jackson fighting snakes on a plane.

"Yes." Naomi said bluntly her words like a sharp nail in Mello's ballooning pride but surprisingly the nail had little to no effect. The balloon just kept on growing.

"I am Mello, bitch! That's M-E-L-L…"

Mello was abruptly cut off by L who stepped forward to stop Naomi who was just about to strike Mello's face for a second time with her foot.

"What? Is he?" L looked at Mello and then back at Naomi, "… You brought Wammy's dropout stripper to my apartment?! What were you thinking?!" L screamed at Naomi. He backed up frantically, unintentionally blocking Naomi's access to Mello, as he no doubt realized that his prime worshipper was in the room with him and he'd be expected to do something about it.

"If you'd step aside he wouldn't be here much longer." Naomi pointed out. She normally would have noted that even L showed no respect for his former detective program but she was more intent in ridding herself of at least one of the obnoxious lunatics she was surrounded with. This must have been what Light felt like on a daily basis, except that he failed to recognize that he was king of the lunatics.

"He's a terrorist and not a very good one either! We are harboring a terrorist! And for what?! He's not even remotely useful!" L continued to rant tugging at his hair and lifting his face to the heavens in a gesture that was unusually dramatic for the great detective, "I leave you alone for two days and you bring Mello to my apartment!"

Naomi was very tempted to tell L to find himself a lead pipe and tell him to stick it where the sun would never shine and point out that when kidnapped twice by the same person she was inclined to make deals that she wouldn't normally make. However, she was also tired of explaining logical things to assholes who didn't care.

Mello seemed disconcerted that he was now being completely ignored once his identity had been actually revealed. He probably thought his name would have meant something instead he just became the same shade of wallpaper as Matt.

"Who do you think you're talking about crack-head, and how the hell would you know anyway?!" Mello asked expecting some sort of response but receiving none.

"If you'd move over I'd take care of that problem for you." Naomi said quietly doing her best impersonation of Light to date.

"Tell me, Naomi, what is that good for?" L motioned to Mello, "What use did you possibly imagine I'd have for him? Put him out in the hallway to attract bullets aimed for his head? Or perhaps find the best vendors in leather pants? Maybe he can be our mascot, we've always needed a blonde stripper whose gender I'm not sure of, we just stick him outside the room and that will teach Kira the true meaning of fear."

Naomi closed her eyes and counted to ten trying to stall herself before she stooped killing L just to get to Mello; Mello didn't deserve that much of a buildup, "Well, I wouldn't know, I thought human life was a precious thing at the time but I think I've changed my mind."

"This is why we always send Light on missions, because every time you do something it always goes terribly wrong." L shook his head and made his way past Naomi to the dessert table but stopped half-way, "Beyond Birthday lighting himself on fire, getting kidnapped by a fifteen year-old transvestite twice, is there anything you can do right?"

The idea of listening to L continue to insult her while eating a donut drove her to respond, "None of those were my fault you selfish bastard!"

L stuffed the donut in his mouth anyway and chewed before reply in an incredulous tone, "Selfish? When have I ever been selfish?"

"Do you even hear the things that come out of your mouth?!"

"Obviously, I'm not deaf." L said with an increasingly skeptical look that seemed to doubt any form of intelligence Naomi had previously shown.

L had had it coming for four years, he probably knew it too, but never the less he was surprised.

"You are a pig." Naomi said afterward to the sprawled L who hadn't thought to block the punch he never saw coming. He had never seen Light's coming either and Naomi had thought that one was obvious. Apparently, in his own mind, L didn't think he deserved to be beaten up on a daily basis.

"Well, this is more interesting. Although you know my motto Naomi." L said as he picked himself up with a small smile.

"You have a motto now?" Naomi interjected.

L ignored her in favor of his punch line as he came closer to her, "An eye for an eye."

L then tried the same kick he pulled with a temporarily brain damaged Light but unfortunately his victim had spent enough years working for him that she knew when to step backwards. Having failed at his endeavor L then stood and made his way back to the donuts to recalculate the next move.

"That's your catchphrase?" Naomi asked dully watching L in case he tried to kick again, "Are you sure? Because until you started saying that before you beat up Light I never heard it."

"Is this a sore point with you?" L asked in return.

"I just never thought I'd meet anyone who legitimately thought he was Batman." Naomi pointed out, "I mean, that stuff just doesn't happen to other people, but somehow I just managed to find the one guy and…"

"I don't think I'm Batman." L said in slight confusion as if wondering how that point even had come up.

"Oh come on, now you're just delusional." Naomi said, "Do I really need to point this out for you?"

"There's a ninety nine percent chance that there is nothing legitimate to your argument."

"Hey, assholes, I'm right here!" Mello said trying to become the focus of the conversation once again. Naomi and L spared him a dull glance before returning to glaring at each other and continuing to pretend that Mello didn't actually exist.

"Wrong. There are many reasons why you think you're Batman. Let's start with Watari, tell me, doesn't he seem an awful lot like Alfred?" Naomi placed her hands on her hips ignoring Mello's pacing back in forth in the room like a neglected and angry puppy.

"That's rather irrelevant and somewhat racist, not all British elderly men are Alfred…"

Naomi continued counting off the reasons on her fingers, "You work with the police but you never show them your face. You learned martial arts and I'm sure that if you didn't already know that it wasn't practical you would beat your enemies up in an elaborate costume for the good of the world. You have at least three secret identities just in case someone finds out who you really are. You built a giant building with a helicopter pad just so that you could catch one man who is you're arch nemesis. You have your own symbol which you display to show your presence in the world. How do you not think you're Batman?"

L blinked and said, "Those were all completely necessary."

"Only now with the Kira case, before that there was no real need for an anonymous detective. You didn't have to give out your house or address or real name but you could have at least shown up to meetings in person instead of making a big show out of every single thing you do."

"If I hadn't had those measures I would be dead."

"Only because of Kira, any other time and you would just look ridiculous. You're just lucky it actually worked out for you." Naomi said and then sighed having lost her rage and energy necessary to deal with L in order to murder Mello. She might as well just let them enjoy each other. She looked at Mello who seemed to be fuming over the lack of attention and slightly confused that no one really cared who he was.

Avoiding Light, surprisingly, wasn't worth trying to convince L that he had a bit of a problem.

"I can't deal with you people." Naomi said, "I'm leaving."

"But you haven't dealt with him yet!" L said pointing to Mello.

"What do you think she can do?! Imma kill that bitch before she takes two steps!" Mello shouted stepping forward to lay the beating down on a woman twice his age.

L's expression changed from one of alarmed desperation at the thought of being left alone in a room with his heir to one of the deepest despair. Leaving L to suffer with Mello was worth dealing with Light in hysterics.

"I'll be back later, probably." Naomi said and walked out the door listening to L shout in the background.

"You can't just leave me here with him!"

But she could and she did.

Outside the door Naomi caught the rest of the taskforce loitering in the hallway with coffee from Matsuda's recent trip. Matsuda handed her a cup and she nodded in thanks.

"Are they… done yet?" Matsuda trailed off looking at the door the other men following his gaze.

"I wouldn't go in there for a little bit, I think they deserve some alone time together." Naomi said in conclusion.

And with that she headed off for home.

_Four years and you didn't say anything_

_How do you expect me to handle this?_

_THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT_

**Author's Note: Because Mello has not gotten his ass handed to him nearly enough. Even if you are a Wammy's fan you must at least agree with me on that point. Thanks for reading and reviewing, who knows, this fic may hit one hundred chapters of crack. Dear God, what monster have I created.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	75. Chapter 75

"Raye, remember when I said we should move to Mexico. Well, we should really move to Mexico." Naomi said as she walked through the door sighing. She looked around and noted that she didn't hear a response quoting the dangers of drug lords to her.

Light was still sitting at the table and was looking as if he was contemplating the meaning of existence. He was also pointedly not looking at his bastard son who was watching reruns of the Boogey Man on Raye's laptop while sitting at the table. Duck for his part wasn't pointedly ignoring Light but rather recognizing him only to recognize the fact that his existence didn't matter in the slightest. Nope, nothing had really changed since she had left the house in desperation to find a sane bit of silver lining left in her life.

(Naomi figured that after four years of distrust and complete revulsion they weren't quite sure how to handle the realization that they were actually related. That or being in the presence of L long enough had finally caused their social manners to regress to his level.)

Naomi thought back and realized she hadn't actually seen Raye since she came back from being kidnapped, she'd sort of just assumed he was around. Between avoiding Light and avoiding L and avoiding Mello she hadn't really had time to check in with her husband. Somehow, in the back of her mind, she felt that she might have had her priorities in the wrong order there.

"Raye? You hear me, Mexico. Or maybe Guatemala. Because I'm telling you, drug cartels are way better than the shit I have to deal with." There was still no response. Which was very bizarre considering Raye usually wasn't a fan of drug cartels or Naomi working with crazies.

"Where's Raye?" She asked. She looked at the doppelgangers sitting at the table who were still pointedly ignoring each other.

"Who?" Light managed as he still contemplated the meaning of life and existence. Apparently in Light's universe Raye Penber didn't even merit dead-man he just didn't exist.

"My husband." Naomi said bluntly moving further into the room.

"Oh, the wallpaper… I assume he's on the wall like he usually is. Have you looked?"

Naomi had a bad feeling where this was heading especially when Duck continued to say nothing but rather watched as Hikaru Imagay watched the mysterious Y stalk off into the distance without looking over his shoulder.

"Light, what the hell have you done with my husband?" Naomi said stalking closer to the table.

"Naomi, Raye Penber is merely a figurehead and you can now stop pretending that he actually has some value to you. The cat's kind of out of the bag and there's no use pretending it's still in there." Light said with a hand wave of slight annoyance as if brushing Raye and the cat off into a metaphorical abyss. Or perhaps an actual abyss if what Naomi was thinking was in fact correct.

Duck glanced up from the computer to glare at Light, appeared to consider saying something, and then seemed to reach the conclusion that it was beneath him to bicker with a serial killer stalking his mother.

Naomi had been having a rough day. In fact she had been having a rough month. In fact she had every right to throw Light out of her apartment and watch him get eaten by dogs. It wasn't like she had been stalked by a murderer for four years, or anything weird and creepy like that.

"Light, I have had too long of a day to find out that my husband is dead, missing, or hacked into tiny pieces. So tell me, what the hell have you done?" Naomi leaned on the table to stare him the eyes the way Ryuzaki did when the kid gloves came off.

Light blinked, turned, and finally seemed to pay attention, "Wait is he actually gone… I didn't notice. Are you sure?"

"Yes Light, he is gone, he is not here!"

Light leaned back in his chair and met her stare with a look of pleasant contemplation, "Interesting, but why is this my fault?"

"Because you've been giving him death threats for five years!" Naomi shouted.

"Everyone gives Raye Penber death threats."

(In the rational part of her brain that wasn't ready to tear everything apart Naomi noted that even Light couldn't possibly be delusional enough to think L bothered sending Raye death threats. She was also pretty sure the task force found him normal and therefore tolerable and or didn't know he existed.)

"No they don't, and you're a psychotic murderer who gets high on the deaths of rapists so tell me who's most likely to follow through on the death threats?" Naomi asked drawing closer so that she was standing over Light.

"I do not get high off the deaths of…"

"Have you seen yourself for the last four years?! You run to your bedroom with this weird smile on your face just so that you can kill another truckload of Humbert Humberts. If you're not getting some endorphin rush after using that death machine then Matsuda is the world's greatest contribution to literature."

Light stared at her for a few moments looking rather nonplussed. His eye then caught his bastard son who was doing a very excellent job of ignoring his father's existence.

"What about him?" Light nodded to Duck, "He could have done it."

This time Duck did look up for a significant amount of time before returning to television, "And this is how you proved to L that you were in fact not Kira? Did you look over at L and nod your head and say, 'He could have done it'? One wonders why you aren't rotting in prison yet sharing a cell with a man named Bubba."

Naomi interrupted, "Hey, Bubba is an alright guy. I mean, he has to body guard Mello. That does a lot to…"

"The metaphorical Bubba, not Mello's lackey whose actual name we don't know." Duck responded.

"His name is Frank." Light said smiling sweetly, "And no one actually works for Mello. They just haven't found the means to throw him out of their club house yet."

(Naomi noted distantly that even when agreeing with each other whole heartedly they still managed to make it seem like an argument.)

"His name is Frank, really?" Naomi said in astonishment momentarily forgetting her rage, "I really thought it would be… Goddammit which of you murdered and or kidnapped my husband?!" She found her rage again.

"Him." Light and Duck pointed to each other simultaneously.

Duck's eyebrows lowered into a fabulous impersonation of L's dead pan, "Really, with this height? I couldn't strangle a cat."

Light stared at Duck for a moment and then decided to return to ignoring his existence and addressed Naomi instead. "The point is, you're jumping to conclusions."

"Really?" Naomi asked, "Who would have thought? After four years of threatening to kill him after every conversation it would be jumping to conclusions to blame his disappearance on the very man who threatened to make this a reality in letters taped to my refrigerator."

There was a moment of silence as they considered the fact that it had finally happened. Light had finally killed Raye Penber after years of putting it off. And Naomi was goddamn not amused by this shit.

Duck sighed and a look of reluctance graced his features, "Even I have to admit mother, this seems a little too blatantly obvious for your creepy stalker. I was expecting a red trail back to Ryuzaki but this is a little too clean and too blunt. It's not Hannibal Lector's style."

Light's eyebrows raised, "Have I been upgraded to cannibalism now?"

"Blood sacrifices, it's coming." Duck said with a knowing glance.

"See, I didn't do it." Light said motioning a hand at Duck and ignoring completely the last comment.

"That just proves how inefficient you are, you should have killed Raye Penber years ago." Duck said even while turning his attention back to the Boogey Man casually as he ignored Light's glare of death.

Naomi looked at the pair of them and decided that if enough was enough with Ryuzaki then enough was enough with Duck and Light, "I don't believe either of you."

Neither of them seemed to care having both returned to their status of ignoring the existence of the other.

"If you don't somehow make him reappear not dead in this apartment within the next week there will be dire consequences." Naomi said slowly looking at each of them in turn. Neither of them returned her gaze but both chose to idle themselves through meaningless distractions.

"I thought murder was beneath you, Naomi." Light commented drily staring off into space.

"I didn't say murder, I said dire consequences." Naomi restated.

"You have no power over me." Light said.

"Restraining orders have power over you." Naomi stated, "As does the therapy you'll need to attend, the bills you'll need to pay, and the ex-girlfriend you'll have to go crawling back to. Or are you still dating because frankly where the hell has Misa been lately?"

"She's busy." Light said bluntly.

"Busy? Last year she showed up to L's apartment in lingerie in an attempt to seduce you and almost got raped by the next door neighbor. Then she invited you and Matsuda to a film review where she got interviewed by a popular magazine and started professing about how romantic you are and how happy she is. Misa is never too busy for you." Naomi pointed out.

"Do you miss her?" Light asked with raised eyebrows.

"Well, no, mostly because she gave me more death threats than Ryuzaki and you combined but… The point is when I kick you out that's where you're going! Roommates with Misa and Ryuk!"

Duck looked up at Light in wonder cocking his head as if he had just had a brilliant idea, "Why haven't we done this before?"

Naomi turned on Duck in a flash bearing down upon him in intense fury.

"Shut up I'm not done with you either, if you don't procure his body you'll be forced into elementary school years before your time and I'll make you bring Light Yagami to parent-day so you can profess what a wonderful relationship you have."

Duck and Light looked more than slightly dumbfounded, they looked at each other and then back at her.

"I didn't know you thought that way… Is this an aftereffect of being kidnapped by a transvestite? Should I be worried about mental break downs in the future?" Duck asked slowly.

"No, it's not the kidnapping. I just realized that I was tired of taking everyone's shit. And since Mello started showing up on a daily basis my levels of lunacy have maxed out." Naomi commented as an afterthought thinking of the newest addition to the insanity of the task force.

"So it's not the kidnapping trauma but the fact that you now have a new quirky member of the task force." Duck reiterated slowly.

"Don't say it like that, you don't know how obnoxious 'quirky' is, people think it's adorable but once you see it more than twice it just becomes overplayed and really old. Besides Mello doesn't even count as quirky he's just… I don't even know what he is anymore." Naomi digressed but then seemed to catch herself digressing by adding, "BUT IF YOU DON'T FIND MY HUSBAND I WILL SLAUGHTER ALL OF YOU!"

Light and Duck exchanged another glance perhaps conveying some message Naomi didn't really have the time or patience to care about.

"Well, I suppose you'll want to see this note then." Duck pulled a note out of his pocket and handed it to Naomi as if imparting a great gift.

She stared at it for a few moments feeling what remained of her sanity flow down the brain drain, "You made a note."

"No, I found the note, I'm not tacky enough to cut letters out of magazines." Duck pointed out as he handed over the letter to Naomi who indeed saw that the letters were cut out from magazines.

Naomi glanced over the note then looked back over to her son, "And when exactly did you find this?"

"Well, when we got back, but you looked a bit stressed and I didn't think it was that important." Duck shrugged, "There was a lot to think about that wasn't a doormat."

The note fell out of her numb fingers, "What went wrong in my life?"

Light picked it up and looked at it with a vaguely curious expression and proceeded to read it, "Now you know how it feels. Back off your hubbie gets it. Bitch."

Naomi stood numbly in shock all but her ability to narrate scenes stripped from her. Duck looked up from his screen and said, "Why go through the trouble of finding the letters for the word bitch in magazines? It's unnecessary and somewhat redundant given the nature of the letter."

"There's your answer. Mello." Light said as he attempted to hand the letter back to a currently comatose Naomi. It fell to the floor, where Light watched it for a moment in expectation of Naomi returning to life.

"Naomi, who else would have done this? Who else refers to you as bitch multiple times in casual conversation? Who uses kidnapping as a backup plan? It's Mello."

Naomi continued to not move.

"There's really no one else."

There was still no response.

"Please, you've read my letters. I'm not tacky enough to do this. Go find your wallpaper."

Still no response.

Naomi took a deep breath and looked at each of them with more emptiness in her eyes than had been in L's when he discovered that he had no money and would be stuck with Matsuda forever, "One week. Seven days. Think about it."

Light blinked looking slightly confused, "Naomi, I don't think you understand. Mello did this, finding your wallpaper will be very easy. You don't even need me to do it. Just walk up punch him in the face and he'll start talking."

"Seven days."

"But…"

"SEVEN DAYS!"

Duck coughed in order to interrupt the silence and said slowly, "So Light, in today's episode Hikaru was kidnapped by the Yakuza and was forced to witness some very traumatizing incidents before Y saved him. In fact, it was actually extremely well written, how do you feel about the one episode where Hikaru isn't thinking about his romantic attachments to the mysterious detective Y?"

Light turned his head slightly to glare at Duck, "I don't watch trash."

"It's not trash, actually. When one is not on the task force and none of the task force's information is available The Boogey Man is the next best thing to straight out espionage. Besides it's entertaining watching you pine over a man who never seems to be able to tell you his own name."

Light's glare of doom turned into his grin of doom, "Only Ryuzaki has had the nerve to annoy me so much in one conversation, and he's suicidal, what's your excuse?"

"Pointing out the facts." Duck commented drily, "Although the more I've been talking with you the better this Ryuzaki fellow sounds. Mother, are you sure he's a crack head?"

And then Naomi realized that not even threats were enough to make them actually try looking for Raye. If she had brought an axe and slammed it into the table they still wouldn't have cared, because they each thought they were god and were suffering the delusion that mere mortals wouldn't dare kill them.

If she wanted to find Raye she'd have to do most of the leg work herself. But she could damn well make sure both of them regretted it later. Even if they didn't remember what it was that they were supposed to be regretting, they would regret it.

In the mean time she had a few key suspects to visit.

"I'm leaving, I'll be back later. Take care of yourselves and try not to destroy any furniture in your petty battles for world domination."

"My goal is not world domination." Light interrupted holding up an affronted hand.

"Light, you said you'd be god of the new world. What do you call that?"

"A new era of enlightenment." Light responded. There was a small amount of silence as both Duck and Naomi stared at him blandly.

Duck turned to Naomi with the same expression, "To save face and not sound like a jackass I'll be frank, my goal is world domination."

That didn't make her feel better. Or happier. She continued to glare at both of them and said her parting words, "Whatever. Try not to get any blood on the carpet."

_Hubbie's not doin so hot right now._

_Better stop while he still has fingers._

_Bitch. _

_(For the record I didn't write this, I'm just transcribing it in case you don't actually manage to find it. It was in the mail box and well, I've noticed you've stopped checking that recently.)_

**Author's Note: This is so long it's almost embarrassing. I think I may have almost reached the ridiculousness levels of Death Note season two, almost, but then one can never reach the ridiclous levels of Mello the terrorist, Near setting up strategies with transformers, Light's soap opera with Takada and Misa being narrated by Matsuda, Mikami being... Mikami, The task force slowly but surely realizing that 'wait a minute, Light might actually be Kira', Mello blowing up his secret base when his plans involving rockets go horribly horribly wrong and... Well, let's just say there's too much material to stop now. Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing, you're all fabulous. Keep at it folks.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	76. Chapter 76

"Hello everyone, pleasant to see you all again." Naomi said as she entered L's domain again. Having been there twice in one day it was beginning to look like she was desperate for normalcy and giving L that ammunition in a time when he was very desperate was not a pleasant experience.

"Naomi, thank god." Matsuda jumped up from the couch and ran over to her before she could even get up the nerve to find L and demand he find her husband, "Where's Light?"

Those words, coming out of anyone's mouth, were so shocking that Naomi's brain momentarily shut down in sheer confusion. And then Naomi remembered that whenever she entered L's apartment reality seemed to suspend itself and she immediately wished she was somewhere else entirely. Every single time no matter how important it was that she came there.

"Why? Are we in crisis mode?" Naomi asked dubiously scanning the room for wherever L had slunk off to, "Don't tell me, there's a third Kira now."

Matsuda face paled and he drew back in complete terror and panic, "There's a what?"

And then Naomi remembered that she was talking to Matsuda and not to Light, Duck, or L who probably would have laughed at the joke or at least had the decency to glare and snark back at her. It was sad when she aimed her conversation toward the crazies in her life rather than the normal people she should probably start working on that in the future. Maybe have some conversation lessons with Matsuda who seemed to tolerate her more than Ide, Aizawa, and Mogi.

"Never mind, why is it good that I'm here?" Naomi asked still holding the ransom note in her pocket, if it really was a ransom note, since it didn't actually demand any money.

"I don't really know it's just I think things aren't looking…good." Matsuda said looking over his shoulder as if to see if L was watching. L was actually not present in the room but was rather somewhere else entirely.

Naomi was about to ask if L had found a portal to another dimension or discovered a time machine or something else that would be confusing yet terrible and then she remembered it was Matsuda, "Okay, start from the beginning, what's going on?"

"Well, you know Frodo, right? That really weird blonde kid from Wammy's, well ever since you were here last Ryuzaki's been acting really weird around him. Only I think he's trying not to act weird but it's still really weird, you know?" Matsuda looked pensive as he tried to pinpoint L's acting flaws when it came to maintaining face in front of his long lost heir who didn't realize he was L's long lost heir.

No shit. Naomi could picture it now. L making his usual comments every once in a while and then remembering that he had to mention that he had absolutely no connection to the dead detective what so ever and was in fact a proxy who was in fact Light's figurehead. Mello had assumed that Light was in charge of everything and was railroading the task force in the completely wrong direction, which for him was an incredibly smart assumption and made a lot of sense even to normal people. It was almost accurate, almost, it just didn't take into account that without a handler L would no longer have the motivation to provide direction in convicting a man he already had passed off as being caught.

"Really? I never would have guessed." Naomi said trying not to sound dry but failing, "What's the situation."

"Well, we've been getting some calls from Near but Light's not around to answer the phone and Ryuzaki just straight out refuses to do it. He called Light but for some reason he didn't pick up… Anyway, Near actually sent someone over here to talk to us and get the notebook or figure out what's going on since no one actually wants to talk to him. So Ryuzaki tried to pretend to be a drug addict and send him down the hall to the drug dealer instead, but he wouldn't leave, so now he's here… in the other room." Matsuda's eyes drifted to the door to the bedroom (the one room Naomi had refused to enter ever under any condition) with wariness and trepidation.

Naomi stared at Matsuda for a few moments, "So… What's the problem?"

"Well, call me paranoid," Matsuda said looking left and right as if he was paranoid. Really, he had no room to talk, he was talking to Naomi who lived with Light, he had a thing or two to learn about real paranoia. "But I think they could try to arrest him…"

Naomi sighed, "Matsuda, they'd need a warrant. Besides I'm not even sure what Near's cronies would do with him; actually, strike that, I can picture this it'd be hilarious. Can we ensure that this does happen?"

"Naomi!" Matsuda said looking at her sharply.

Naomi checked the faces of the other task force members and discovered that for once they seemed to be sharing a common thought. It looked as if only Matsuda was horribly offended by the thought of his overlord detective being arrested.

"Don't worry, they won't arrest him. Near's based in the United States, right? Japan's a little out of his jurisdiction. And besides that even if we were in Los Angeles or something Near just doesn't have that kind of authority, he can't arrest someone on an entirely different case for refusing to give him a magical notebook."

"No, you don't understand." Matsuda said shaking his head, "I don't think Ryuzaki cares if they arrest him or not, I think he's going to try to get rid of Frodo."

Naomi looked at Matsuda, "By convincing Near's henchmen that they don't have the authority to arrest him?"

"No, as a trade." Matsuda looked worriedly at the door, "He'll tell them that Frodo is really Mello in disguise or something like that and that Doormat is his number two who's name I don't remember, and he'll let Near have them instead of the notebook for negotiation purposes."

Naomi was impressed. She looked at Matsuda in shock. Maybe writing soap operas had actually given him the ability to understand the world around him. Suddenly Matsuda was the only other sane person she knew that recognized that L was a piece of shit when it came to his heirs and his own salvation.

"I… That actually will probably happen." Naomi said in wonderment still completely shocked by Matsuda's insight.

How convenient for L that Near had gotten frustrated enough to send someone over. L was probably up all night trying to figure out a way to stick Mello in a warehouse and have him blown up in an explosion but giving him to Near could result in a similar catastrophe as far as Wammy's track records were concerned. All L had to do was play the negotiation card without sounding too desperate to be rid of him and the great detective would hardly have to lift a finger.

"We have to do something! I mean, Naomi, remember the real Mello and that one guy you hunted down in Los Angeles?"

"Beyond Birthday?" Naomi asked remembering very well who Matsuda was talking about.

"Yeah, that guy. If they were like… Well… That? What is Near gonna be like? What is Near gonna do with someone who's met the guy he thinks is Kira? Mello kidnapped you, your son, Sayu, Kitamura… If Near's at all… good at his job what is he gonna do to him?"

"I have to admit Matsuda, I'm not the biggest Frodo fan either but… even he doesn't deserve whatever awaits him in Near's lair. I heard he likes finger puppets. It was jam and manga with Beyond… Did I ever tell you that I watched him sit in fetal position and explain why the killer was so good at his job because he was paranoid enough to sanitize every inch of the house (even the light fixtures) and had made these weird messages on the backs of his victims."

Matsuda had an alarmingly blank look on his face as he had finally accepted the fact that maybe L wasn't such a good person after all. It seemed as if his brain couldn't process information like the size of Beyond Birthday's ego.

"Naomi, don't just stand there. Get Light and do something!" Matsuda shook her shoulders desperately.

"I'd love to Matsuda but unfortunately my husband has been kidnapped." Naomi said slowly as she removed his hands from her shoulders.

"But… Is it Mello? Again?" Matsuda asked in confusion.

"I don't know, I'm running through my list of suspects right now."

"Your list? Who would kidnap Raye?"

"…Do we work at the same office Matsuda?" Naomi asked dully. Maybe it was working in the sane half of the room, he never saw the weird shit that went down on a daily basis.

"But, Raye's a nice guy…" Matsuda trailed off, "Maybe Near kidnapped Raye and is demanding ransom from Ryuzaki…"

And Matsuda was back to soap opera plots, or so Naomi hoped because if Near introduced himself as the next crazy by kidnapping her husband so help her god she was going to ensure he never saw the light of day again. Also if Near did kidnap Raye it would prove him to be more incompetent than Mello. L would laugh him out the door and Light would probably congratulate him on the initiative.

"Naomi, you've got to talk to Ryuzaki. Maybe he can help."

That was the problem. Maybe he could. He probably wouldn't. He probably didn't even remember that she had gotten married or had ever been dating anyone named Raye Penber. But if she managed to annoy him enough she may get his ass in gear. If she had multiple very intelligent people who were all in some sort of rivalry with one another than one of them would manage to half-ass his way toward the true kidnapper and find Raye for her within a decent amount of time. The trick was to find the right motivation.

"I'll do my best." Naomi said soberly to Matsuda, "But keep in mind that as far as Ryuzaki is concerned my best usually isn't good enough."

"Do you want me to call Light?" Matsuda asked bringing out his cellphone.

"Yeah, do that. Tell him to get his ass down here in time to see Ryuzaki arrested for housing narcotics." Naomi said, the more she could annoy Light the more likely he was to actually attempt to procure Raye from wherever he had stashed him or his body.

"Um, but you said he's…" Matsuda said looking confused and scared.

"No, but that's what it's going to take to get him down here." Naomi said she then turned to the rest of the room that was watching her with somewhat dubious eyes, "Gentlemen. Wish me luck."

With that Naomi approached the door and hesitantly reached for the doorknob. She had never ever wanted to enter that room and she still didn't so if her husband's life wasn't hanging in the balance there was no way in hell she would ever think about ever entering L's bedroom with the absent influence of Watari.

She just had the feeling that it would be even more bizarre than walking in on Beyond Birthday lighting himself on fire.

"Goddammit, just get it over with." She muttered to herself under her breath, and with one final breath of anticipation she opened the door and walked in.

The room was horrifyingly normal. There was a desk, a small lamp, a computer chair, a bed that had been made and looked as if it hadn't been touched in centuries, a small bench at the end of the bed and a coffee table. It looked like a normal hotel room. The only difference was that they weren't in a hotel, they were in a sleezy motel that sometimes acted as a brothel.

"Oh hello, Misora-san." Were the words that greeted her from her boss for the last five years who had somehow proven to live up to her expectations. He hadn't remembered that she was married.

L was crouched in his usual position in a computer chair observing a man who appeared to be twitching beneath his gaze. The poor bastard had probably endured the abyss that was L's stare for at least twenty minutes, knowing L he probably hadn't even said a word, just looked until the man felt he was going insane. She wondered if working for Near was worth it because if it was Naomi in his position she would either have left by then or punched L in the face.

"Penber. It's Penber." Naomi said closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Yes, well then, what are you doing here? Come to join the tea party?" L asked motioning to the absent food and tea on the small table. Well, at least it was as fun as she thought it would be.

Naomi didn't deign to respond to that so instead she sat down next to the poor man working for Near and glared at L, "Matsuda's worried about your soul."

L did genuinely look surprised at that, "Really? I didn't peg Matsuda as that type. Make a note to throw him out the window again at the nearest opportunity. The last thing I need is someone trying to convert me."

Naomi's eyebrows lowered dangerously, "No, not that. Matsuda's worried that you're going to sell Near's henchman Frodo, not even to save your own hide, but just because he annoys you. This is coming from Matsuda, not from me, I think that should point out how obvious you've gotten. Keep going down this route and even the task force will want a mutiny."

The man stared at Naomi with a slightly dubious and shocked expression (that had been there since her random entrance into the room), "Um, who are you?" He asked, then he looked at L, "Who is she?"

L glanced at the man with a slightly disappointed expression, "I thought you'd have done your research, this is Naomi Misora."

L held out his hand to her as if presenting her on a silver platter.

"Penber." Naomi interrupted with a greater edge in her voice.

L continued as if he hadn't heard her, "She works here, unfortunately."

The man looked back at her looking even more shocked and confused if that were possible, "This is Naomi Misora?" He placed emphasis on the word this as if he had been expecting something much different, given Mello's opinion he had probably been expecting Misa but with FBI training.

"Penber!" Naomi said again slightly louder.

"But she's… She's supposed to be… You do realize that she's most likely sleeping with Light Yagami, who is most likely Kira… right?"

The room became deathly silent. Both Naomi and L gazed at the man with equal emptiness in their expressions. The man slowly but surely edged away from both of them with a rather nervous expression on his face.

"Ryuzaki, where is your little bastard getting his information?" Naomi asked coldly.

"I wonder, it doesn't seem to be very accurate, after all no one in their right mind would ever want to…"

Naomi interrupted him before he could finish, "Shut up you jealous harpy, you do realize that I am married and have a son so unless you think I'm the goddamn Virgin Mary you'd better admit that I'm getting laid infinitely more than you!"

"Jealous harpy?" L asked, "Petty insults again?"

"Surprisingly not petty, just accurate, really accurate. I mean my god, you wanted so badly to get laid that you resorted to drugging the most dangerous and terrifying man alive. Do you realize what he'll do to you once he regains his sanity?"

"You forgot the prettiest." L added looking mournfully at the table as if to summon the missing deserts from thin air.

"You will die of diabetes in a hospital and no one will attend your funeral! That's the price you'll pay for trying to have good times with your number one suspect!"

"That's a bit overdramatic, please, he's not that much of a diva."

The other man who had been watching with increasingly confused and terrified expressions finally managed to work up the nerve to interrupt, "Wait, what happened?"

Naomi sighed, "Well, Ryuzaki here has been heading the Kira investigation in L's stead for five years as I'm sure you know. Well, maybe you don't. In any case, ever since he met Light Yagami he's become a creepy stalker who planted cameras in his house, attempted to seduce him at college, and handcuffed him to himself for months. To add to his list of accomplishments recently he finally managed to get the holy grail."

L sighed, "…You do know that when history views this investigation it will agree with me in saying that everything was completely and utterly necessary. You'll also be labeled as the dim prostitute with no manners."

The man paused looking at the pair of them with increasingly wide eyes, "… What does this have to do with Kira?"

Naomi and L stared at each other for a moment willing the other to go first. Finally Naomi answered for the great detective.

"Absolutely nothing, we don't look for Kira here. We gave that up years ago." Naomi said bluntly, "Speaking of which, the real reason I'm here, Ryuzaki my husband's gone missing."

"Who?"

"Raye."

L nodded slightly as if in sudden comprehension,"Oh yes… Who?"

"Ryuzaki, I worked with him when we first met. We were dating when we first met… You know what, never mind, I want you to find him, preferably alive." Naomi said glaring at the insomniac.

"Are you asking for a favor?" L said with questioning eyebrows, "Because you know, I'll have to decline. I don't do favors."

"Of course not, name your price."

Near's messenger interrupted again tentatively looking the pair of them, "I'm still… If you're not looking for Kira what have you been doing with the notebook for the past four years."

"My price, " L said with a small smile, "Well this is getting a little more interesting."

The man continued desperately to find out what was going on, "No, really, who are you people. You can't possibly be police."

"Well, what do you want?"

L sighed, "Nothing from you, I'm afraid."

"I kick Light out of my house." Naomi said with lowered eyebrows.

"No, then he'll just live with Misa." L said waving off the offer with a hand.

"Until he can't stand it anymore, and then I imagine he'll live here. Really it's a lesser of two evils, even he wouldn't have any other option."

"… What is this? I mean hasn't Light been in charge of the investigation since L's death." Near's messenger asked.

L's head rapidly turned to the man, "Of course L's dead! Dead as a doornail! That bastard Kira, we should kill him for this, really should. L died so young too… Did I mention he was dead."

"Dead as a doornail? Is that your British heritage kicking in or are you actually that tacky?" Naomi crossing her arms in distaste as she did so, "Besides, weren't we discussing finding my missing husband?"

"No, we were discussing the notebook!" The man interrupted finally seeming to have enough of being ignored.

"Were we?" L asked.

"Yes goddammit! Where the hell did you put it?!"

"You know, I don't think even I'm quite sure where it is at the moment. Slippery little devil." L said quoting Light with an almost fond smile.

"You lost it?!"

L sighed and massaged his temples as his headache of annoyance returned, "Yes, well, there were terrorists involved. It was messy."

"Terrorists?!" The man shouted dragging his hands through his hair.

"Well, not the serious kind that you're thinking of. Think, corny eighties movie with American ninjas who beat up white supremacists, these terrorists are as legitimate as those ninjas." L explained and seeing the blank look on the man's face as he descended into overload he sighed and added, "Not to worry though, we can handle everything thank you very much."

The man managed to find words again after spluttering for a few moments and deciding that even if he was being bullshitted he had to take some of it seriously, "I can't just leave without it!"

"Certainly you can, just say Light Yagami gave you the run around and that his soldiers were undyingly loyal. Also tell him that we just don't trust you. Near will buy that."

"Are you framing one of your employees?" The man managed to splutter out.

"It'd be framing if there was any way to convince Near that Light was not in fact Kira and somehow not giving you the run around. You don't have to tell him that Light wasn't actually here and never actually met with you. Although, if you're willing to negotiate perhaps you can return without being empty handed."

"What's that?"

"Would you like a terrorist transvestite by the name of Mello instead?"

_You're out of milk again_

_Also your child is obnoxious_

_Please throw him in the incinerator_

**Author's Note: This reminds me of the time Near sent an FBI agent to the Japanese task force. The man was promptly blown off after demanding the notebook due to the unfortunate timing of arriving when Kitamura was kidnapped. Nears successes, they are many and illogical. In any case thank you to readers and reviewers, you are great, feel free to review more.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	77. Chapter 77

It appeared that Near's messenger had gone into complete shock. He had stopped even attempting to splutter things and instead had stood rather awkwardly, stared at L, and then left the room without a word. It wasn't often that sane people visited the task force and whenever they did she felt reminded that she was in fact right, she worked in intolerable conditions.

Naomi turned to L, "I think you overdid it there Mr. Holmes, perhaps we should be more tactful when trying to eliminate our terrorist friends."

"He'll be back," L said calmly as he also proceeded to stand watching the door with expectant eyes, "He doesn't have his notebook yet."

"L, my loyalties to you are limited and you're actually competent, how loyal do you think he is to your understudy?" Naomi pointed out, "Because if it was me, at this point, I would have left ages ago with or without that notebook."

"Yes but I wouldn't have sent you, now would I? You do know, Misora, that most people do have a smidgen of loyalty toward their employers and that you are in fact not the norm." L said in a rather scathing tone, "I suppose we should follow him out before he makes a mess of things."

"Normal for my situation jackass," Naomi said rejecting his words as they made their way toward the door, "You expect me to work for you for over four years and still think you're the greatest thing to ever walk the earth."

"Most people do, yes." L said, "Look at Matsuda."

"Well then they're idiots." Naomi said, although even Matsuda appeared to be losing his faith in L if he sent in Naomi for damage control.

"You're just jaded."

Then they opened the door to find Near's messenger desperately looking at Matsuda for advice, "What am I supposed to do?" He was asking Matsuda with a rather piteous tone.

Naomi glanced at L, "Yep you really handled this bit of public relations well, he's asking Matsuda for advice."

"Um, well, you know, maybe you could just explain to Near that we're really okay without his…" Matsuda managed to stutter as he desperately sought both L and Noami's eyes in a plea for help, advice, or anything that might make the situation better.

"No you're not, Kira's been at it unhindered for six years! He's been in charge of everything! Think about it, who is really in charge of this investigation, who gives you all the information and steers you in the direction he wants! It's Kira, not L or his replacement or any of you…" He trailed off as he noticed that L and Naomi had exited the room.

The sad thing was that Light had been doing none of that ever since L had conveniently not-died, most of the time he just argued with L or was being sexually harassed by L, Light didn't even bother to steer the task force in the wrong direction because in the end they had absolutely no direction to go.

"Misora, would you please debrief this man on the current situation, I hate repeating myself." L said with a hand wave as if brushing the man out of existence.

"Am I your secretary now?" Naomi asked glaring at him out of the corner of her eye.

"I'm sorry, didn't I hear something about how your lover has gone missing? I couldn't hear over your constant complaining." L responded, without giving Naomi the chance to shout that he was her husband and she had been married for quite some time, and made his way over to the door, "Unfortunately I'd love to stay around but since Matsuda appears to be busy I will be buying my own doughnuts tonight. Try not to break anything or get kidnapped."

And L left. L left them with Near's messenger, just like that, and there was nothing the rest of them could do about it.

"That bastard." Naomi said her eyes locked on the door. He had left. He had really done it. He had left them alone with his heir's crony who looked hopelessly lost and confused and had left Matsuda to negotiate details. He'd really done it. L had crossed many lines in his lifetime but in that moment he had crossed one line too many. Naomi vowed in that moment that she would destroy L or at least make his life miserable until she managed to find her husband.

Naomi turned to her cohorts, "Well, I suppose I have no choice. I guess I will be taking over the task force for the brief period where neither Ryuzaki nor Light give a hot damn."

She noticed that the others were beginning to look nervous and then slightly confused as they realized that she was probably the lesser of three evils; which said a lot, considering they thought she was the crazy cat lady.

L wanted a price? She'd give him a price. She'd take his precious investigation away from him and leave him with nothing, and then he could start negotiating. She'd sit on his stupid computer chair throne surrounded by his minions and watch as he tried to beg his way into the office.

It was a new Naomi, a Naomi who wasn't going to take shit, and she had just been given her opportunity.

(That and the only real way to motivate L was to make him fear for his life.)

"Well gentlemen, I believe we've been presented a priceless opportunity." And she smiled.

Near's negotiator paled and turned to Matsuda and then back to her perhaps imagining her manipulating the task force in order to further Light's goals. She was manipulating the task force, so he was right about that, but it sure as hell wasn't for Light.

"A… A what?" Matsuda asked smiling and shaking his head.

"Ryuzaki has left the building, let's discuss how we actually feel about our lord and master."

Matsuda breathed a sigh of relief, "Oh, okay, for a minute there you were getting pretty scary there but if we're just discussing…"

He looked at the others who were still somewhat terrified and realized that discussing didn't mean what he thought it meant, apparently.

"We have been harassed for over five years with nothing to show for it. We have worked ourselves to the bone, distanced ourselves from our families, locked our sons in prison, locked ourselves in prison, watched as this entire investigation has disintegrated to the point where we can't even take ourselves seriously anymore."

They were still staring at her in shock, she must have gone pretty deep into Light impersonation mode if she had managed to strike that much terror into their faces. That should have been a more frightening realization than it was but somehow Naomi could not find it in her to care.

"If we want to actually stop Kira we need to stop sitting on our assess and do something! We're being made fools of! We're so pathetic that a twelve year-old who probably can't even function in anything resembling normal society actually has a reasonable argument in why he should take over the investigation."

The others looked at each other, Aizawa coughed and then said, "Look, Naomi, I know it's frustrating but…"

"Shut up asshole!" Naomi interjected before he could continue, "Can you think of one time in the last four years that anything has actually gotten done? Anything that actually will help us find Kira."

There was a slight pause from everyone and Naomi decided to take it as complete confirmation. They all seemed uncomfortable but they weren't about to deny it either.

"You think you'd do any better…" Aizawa began but was cut off again by Naomi.

She stopped shouting and simply gave him the Light Yagami glare of death and spoke quietly, "Yes, Aizawa, I think I would."

"Well I don't, Ryuzaki has done his best…" Aizawa started looking at his fellow task-force members for confirmation.

"Really? This is his best? Maybe four years ago was his best, but can you honestly say he gives a damn right now? He just left us alone with a spy seeking information in order to go get coffee which was really just a thinly veiled excuse for not wanting to deal with him. Are you honestly trying to tell me that Ryuzaki was trying five minutes ago when he walked out the front door?"

Again silence.

"That doesn't mean I want you in charge." Aizawa said with narrowed eyes.

"Fine, anybody can be in charge, just as long as it's not Ryuzaki I am fine with it." She said crossing her arms, so long as she could make L suffer she didn't really care who was in charge of the damn Kira case.

Aizawa apparently hadn't been expecting this he blinked and looked around his eyes finally settling on Soichiro, "Why not the chief?"

The chief looked surprised then proud and was about to respond when Naomi cut him off, "No, too biased. Please, that will only fuel Near's point."

"Are you saying that Light is Kira?!"

"No, I'm just saying that if we want to look legitimate we can't have our only suspect's father head the investigation."

"Fine, then I will head the investigation."

"Good."

"Good? That's it?"

"Fine by me."

They stared at each other for a few moments the tension almost visible. Aizawa turned to his new task force then and appeared to try to decide what the hell he actually wanted to do. Apparently he didn't actually want to do anything because he ended up looking back to Naomi for guidance.

Good, now that that was settled, she turned back to Near's messenger who looked as if he was still trying to absorb what just happened. He looked at her and then back at Aizawa and then at the door where L had disappeared and then back.

"I can't leave without that notebook." He finally said.

"Unfortunately I actually agree with Ryuzaki on that one, we can't just hand the notebook out to anyone who claims to be more competent than us. I'd love to but frankly given your boss' alma mater's track record I'm a wee bit hesitant. I mean I don't know him personally so I hate to stereotype but really… there are truths to stereotypes."

He blinked for a few moments, shook his head and repeated, "I cannot leave without that notebook."

"Wow, you actually are dedicated." Naomi said in shock, "Wait a minute, is Near, actually a good person?"

"…" The man seemed to have difficulty answering that question eventually he managed to say, "Yes. Now can I please have the notebook."

"So, what is he like?" Naomi asked well and truly baffled as she tried to reform her image of Near, "Does he… go outside ever?"

"… Well no but… That's really not your concern."

"So he's also a recluse, but he's nice, he's a good employer? He didn't deem one of your team coffee-boy?"

"… Can I please have the notebook?"

"So he actually is an ass, you just don't want to admit it because you're working for the greater good."

"…"

"Well, that's beautiful. I hate to break this to you but here at this task force we work for the greater good as well, otherwise I'm pretty sure we would have thrown L out of a window by now." Naomi said looking to her fellow members for support which didn't seem too forthcoming, "Or rather I work for the greater good."

"I trust Near way more than I trust you."

Naomi looked at him dubiously, "Would it insult you if I considered than an insult?"

"…No."

Just before the man was going to stubbornly ask for the notebook again Light finally decided to show up, "I heard we're having Ryuzaki arrested for the possession of narcotics, why wasn't I told earlier?" He entered with a broad grin and a very expensive camera hanging about his neck, apparently Matsuda had said word for word what she had told him to. Good for him.

"Well you're not late or anything." Naomi noted and then turned to Near's messenger, "This is Light, if you want to bother someone about the Kira thing go talk to him."

Light looked over at the man and back to Naomi no longer quite so amused, "Can I have the elevator pitch of the scenario before you throw me to the wolves?"

Naomi sighed and began to summarize her latest day at the office, "Well I walked in and Matsuda was concerned over Frodo's wellbeing. He assumed Ryuzaki was going to try to dump Frodo and Doormat on poor Mister..." Naomi paused as if to ask his name and then decided she didn't really care, "Whoever this is. He was very worried about the state of L's morality and since I was the only one here I went to deal with it. I also wanted to talk to him about my missing husband, who no one seems to care about, but that's another story. I went in and he had kept Mr… We'll call you Smith for now in his room for probably an hour or so just staring at him in that creepy way he does. Mr. Smith was demanding the notebook claiming that we were incompetent, which is kind of true, and said that we should give it up to Near. We informed him that we don't actually have the notebook but he didn't really believe it. He also thinks your Kira and have been sidetracking us for years and he didn't believe it when we told him that this is just the way things roll around here. Well Mr. Smith got frustrated and left the room to consult with Matsuda, Ryuzaki got so bored that he actually went to get coffee himself instead of sending Matsuda, and I decided that we should declare mutiny and overthrow him. I'm in charge because if we put you in charge it may give Near more reasons to bother us."

Light blinked a little and then looked at the task force to see if they had followed her rambling either, apparently they hadn't, he looked back to her, "You know L did tell me that on the event of his death I was to be his successor. If we're really declaring mutiny even though it might make things inconvenient for Near I think I should be put in control."

Light was grabbing at power, well that was a little predictable. She looked at Near's messenger, "Will you continue to do business with us if Light is in charge?"

"I assumed Light was in charge."

"And look how much we're getting down now, see Light we can't put you in charge, it just gives Near an excuse to walk all over us."

Light appeared to think about this for a few moments and then responded, "Naomi, if he's going to assume I'm in charge anyway I may as well be in charge. Besides, it would be rather pathetic of us to roll over and die just because a twelve year old makes a few demands."

Well there went having power over Light Yagami, at least judging by the much more relieved faces of the task force. Except for Matsuda who looked a little more nervous than he had when Naomi declared herself to be in charge. Of all the people to catch on to Light's true nature she hadn't expected it to be Matsuda. Not that Matsuda's opinion would matter much to everyone else, it was pretty well useless.

Naomi decided to cut her losses and be blunt, "Light, where the hell is my husband?"

Light's eyebrows raised as if he had no idea what she was talking about, "I don't know. What does that have to do with my taking control of the taskforce?"

"Goddammit Light, my husband is missing. He goes missing the moment my back is turned."

"Yes, but you also didn't notice he was gone for quite some time."

"That's not the point! The point is that he's gone and that no one seems to give a damn. Half of you can't even remember that I am married! Most of you think I'm crazy cat-lady!"

And now they were all looking at her with blank expressions. Great. There went plans. She sighed put her hands on her hips and said, "Alright, fine, I'll go find Ryuzaki and break the bad news."

"Yes do that, also make sure he brings back the coffee. I rather like the idea of Ryuzaki as coffee-boy."

And those were Light Yagami's, king of the task force, parting words. She really hated everyone she worked with.

_We should have done this to L years ago_

**Author's Note: Wow it's been a while since I've updated. Anyway thank you everyone for reviewing and for reading and all of that wonderful jazz. Reviews are always appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note**


	78. Chapter 78

Naomi did not go to find L. For one thing she never wanted to talk to L if it was avoidable and for another she would be even less thrilled to hand him over a declaration of war on behalf of Light Yagami the one and only serial-killer god. Also she had no idea where he actually went.

So instead she went home.

It was past time, she thought, to recap the recent important events in her life. First Mello and Matt were being held captive by the task force while disguised as Wammy drop outs, then Raye vanished into thin air while his kidnapper sent tacky threatening messages to her apartment, then Near became even more exasperated and decided to do something about his predicament, and now L had been usurped. Somehow, she thought to herself, the task force had forgotten the original point of things.

Wasn't the point to catch Kira? It was as if everyone kept dancing around that central issue, they all spoke as if they were catching Kira but no one was even really trying. Some admitted it but even when they admitted it they didn't really realize it.

Or at least she thought she went home. Instead she found herself in an apartment that looked a lot like hers but was filled with cats. (Maybe this was why no one could actually focus on imprisoning Light, maybe every time someone got motivated cats happened.)

"What the hell." Was her only response as she opened the door to find herself staring at a larger gathering of unfamiliar cats.

It had finally happened. In order to speed up the process of her becoming a crazy cat lady God had transported at least twenty cats into her apartment and gotten rid of her husband at the same time. Clearly this was divine work that had kidnapped Raye which meant she'd have to start trying a lot harder to find him.

She walked in and closed the door and then continued to stand there, "What the hell are these cats?!"

That was when Duck rounded the corner. He was holding a cat that was half as big as he was and looking at the room with rather wide eyes. Finally he saw her, "Mother."

She tried to fit cats, her husband disappearing, and Duck into the same equation but was coming up with nothing. "Duck, why are there cats everywhere?"

Duck looked down at the swarm of cats and then back up at her with a forlorn expression. Wait a minute, Light had mentioned nothing about cats. Then again if Light was responsible… Filling her apartment with cats just didn't seem his style. So it had to have happened in the last hour or so since Light was summoned by Matsuda and left the apartment.

He had left Duck, a four year-old, alone in her apartment with a death note in the fridge. And now the apartment was filled with cats. Goddammit, he could have at least called a babysitter or at least one of his groupies from high school who would do anything for a charming smile.

Duck's attention seemed to wander past her to something hovering directly behind her. Naomi did the only reasonable thing she could think of and pulled her gun out and turned to face empty space. So, now her son was hallucinating.

Unless he wasn't, she turned back around to look at an unusually wide eyed and silent Duck. "Duck, what the hell is this?" She asked in what she hoped was a calm voice.

"I… Shidoh, do you mind? I'm trying to have a very important conversation with my mother. No, listen, I don't care. What do I want? No, goddammit I think we're good on cats for the moment. Go find a time machine or something, a functioning one too! If I knew where to find it do you think I'd be asking you?! Get out of my house!" During this conversation with empty space Duck had repeatedly thrown his hands up in exasperation looking quite annoyed.

Naomi turned to look behind her at the empty space and then back to Duck who was shaking his head and saying, "Sorry, about that. We can talk now."

"… Did you get high on LSD while I was gone?" Naomi asked.

"No, no I did not." Duck looked down at the cats and sighed, "There is a quasi-logical explanation as for why there are cats all over the apartment."

"Quasi-logical?"

Duck shrugged and looked down the cats, "It's vaguely logical if you know the context but even then it really doesn't make sense. Sort of like the existence of death gods and magical death notebooks."

"So, was it crack?" She hoped it wasn't, she did not have time to take her four year old son to rehab… There was something fundamentally wrong with that statement. God, she was the worst mother ever. Actually no, Light was the worst father ever. Light was attempting to passive aggressively kill off his four-year-old son by leaving him alone in an apartment where his pseudo-father had been kidnapped only a week before.

"No drugs, I don't think they're quite my style." Duck said, "You know that notebook that I've hidden in the house."

Naomi swore, "Goddammit Duck, you need to get rid of that if L or Light find out that you have that thing you are dead. And I mean actually dead as opposed to Light leaving you home long enough to flood the apartment with cats."

"I'm not going to get rid of my father. Besides why on earth would they ever look here, you don't register as a threat and I don't register existence in their eyes. I'm not even sure that L knows you were pregnant at all." Duck said affronted and distracted from his original point.

"Get rid of your… Oh goddammit Duck I thought we talked about this." Naomi groaned in frustration.

"About what?"

"That was a crazy theory. You can't use my crazy theories to convince yourself that you're a demi-god!" Naomi said and then added to her statement, "Or that Light isn't your father!"

"Not demi, just god. And I thought your explanation was the most plausible, because really let's look at the other options."

"No, Duck, it isn't the most plausible explanation! It is not remotely plausible, at all! I actually had sex with Light, I did not have sex with a notebook! Ever! Never!" A cat began clawing at Naomi's leg, "And that doesn't explain the cats!"

"I was getting to the cats." Duck said with a sigh.

"Then get to the cats!"

"I would if you would just…" Duck sighed again and clutched the bridge of his nose in his hand as if Naomi were trying his patience immensely.

"Fine, no more comments about who your real father is, even though we all know your father is really Light. Just get to the cats." Naomi said drawing the cat off her leg while attempting to ward off the other cats. Where the hell was she going to put all of these anyway, maybe she could give them to Ryuzaki or throw them at people on the street.

"Well, it turns out Ryuk stole someone else's notebook." Duck paused and shrugged, "Not that I'm entirely surprised he does seem like the type of creature who'd sacrifice his neighbor's means of survival just for shits and giggles. Anyway, the owner's name is Shidoh and he is hell-bent on retrieving his notebook, which as you know is in the fridge. Unfortunately for Shidoh he is a complete and utter idiot. I've managed to convince him that I'm god of the notebooks and that in order to retrieve his notebook he must pass a certain number of trials and provide a certain amount of sacrifices."

Naomi wasn't quite sure what to say to that. She should have been surprised but somehow she had always known this was coming. She just hoped that it didn't get any worse or rather she hoped the poor shinigami never caught on that Duck wasn't actually a god even if Duck thought he was a god. She just really didn't want to think about that right now.

"…Cats?" She asked instead.

"Right, well I asked him to find Schrodinger's Cat, he misunderstood the directions." Duck said with a sigh, "I hope you like cats, he just keeps bringing them, I almost want to tell him to stop but I also want to see how far he's going to take this before he gives up. He's very tenacious for a half-wit."

Naomi opened and closed her mouth and finally decided she just wasn't going to get involved with this and she was going to ignore it and get to her original goal.

"The next task is to find Raye."

Duck blinked and said in a very Light-like commanding tone, "No. I am not wasting a trial on finding Raye Penber."

"Yes, Duck, yes you are."

"I didn't even like him when there was a remote possibility that he was my father. I'm not sending my otherworldly minion to bring him back."

Naomi pointed to the cats, "And this is so much better than having Raye around? And why the hell did you even ask for cats anyway?"

"Schrodinger's cat," Duck paused and contemplated his desire to own a cat in a box, "I guess I was curious to find a cat that really was alive and dead at the same time. And yes, I infinitely prefer having the apartment filled with cats."

There should have been something to say to the notion that her son preferred an apartment needlessly filled with cats to having to deal with the man he considered a father for most of his life, there really should have been something to say to that. Naomi couldn't think of anything to say to that, after all she'd pretty much said it all already.

"Oh and speaking of Raye though, the kidnapper sent another note." Duck pulled a note out of his pocket and handed it to Naomi.

"What is it with the magazine cut out letters?" Naomi asked Duck, who just shrugged. "It must be someone obvious, so obvious I've forgotten them completely…"

"Not Light?" Duck asked with raised eyebrows picking up a cat and inspecting it with clinical interest.

"As much as I hate to admit it I really don't think tacky magazine cut out letters are his style." She sighed.

"Unless that's exactly what he wants you to think." Duck pointed out.

"I thought you didn't want Raye back."

"If Ted Bundy really did kidnap the wall paper you'll probably kill him in the process of retrieving your hubby."

Naomi just gave her son the look, "What are you using that term too now?"

"Which one?" He asked in genuine confusion as the cat began to paw at his face.

"The wall paper."

Duck shrugged and continued his inspection of the cat, "It does fit, even if the man who coined the term is a homicidal bastard."

"Raye is not a doormat and he isn't wall paper or whatever the hell else anyone else might call him." Naomi said removing the cat Duck was holding in his hands so that he would have to stare her in the face.

She was sick and tired of everyone giving Raye a hard time. Really he got no respect, even when he was missing no one seemed to care at all. They still referred to him as wall paper when he wasn't even there. What had Raye ever done to them? Sure Light may have had a grudge because he was a psychotic stalker but what about the rest of them? He raised Duck, pretty much, although Duck seemed to raise himself, but the intentions were there! And L, well L never gave a shit about anything that didn't have to do with himself, but still he should have been at least remotely concerned. Raye had done nothing to deserve anything that happened to him!

"How confrontational was he when you kidnapped him to Las Vegas?" Duck asked but didn't wait for a response, "You see mother, doormat."

"He is my husband Duck, and thus your legal father, you should respect him or at least pretend to respect him!"

"Mother, I can't respect all three of the father figures you've given me, that sounds exhausting." Duck sighed and eyed the cats, "Did you just come here to argue because you're frustrated at work or something?"

"No, well yes, but that's not the point!" Naomi said, "The point is that my apartment is flooded with cats, my husband is missing, and someone is sending me obnoxious notes that are not at all telling me what the hell they want me to do about all this! And Light took over the task force, also a notebook is not a father figure."

Duck looked up sharply at that and chose to ignore the comment about a notebook not being a father figure, "Light's taken over the task force?"

"Well, we sort of declared mutiny on L when he went to get coffee and I don't think he's back yet. He's waiting for Near's messenger to implode and take Mello with him." Naomi explained but then quickly got back on track, "But that's really your problem! Your problem is the cats. Do something about the cats please."

"You don't like the cats?"

"No, Duck, I don't like the cats."

They stood in awkward silence surrounded by cats for a few moments. Duck observed them quietly, "I suppose I'll tell Shidoh to get rid of them."

"Good." Naomi said, "You do that."

Naomi took the pause in arguing to take a look at the letter addressed to her, "It seems you're denser than I thought. You get your hubby when I get mine, release Light, bitch."

"… And you still think its Light?" Naomi asked Duck.

"You have to admit, you'd never suspect it." Duck said.

"Light has pride Duck, also I'm pretty sure it'd be counterproductive to give me even more reason to throw him out of my house."

"So throw him out of the house." Duck said, "Since the note says to."

Was it sad that Naomi was actually contemplating agreeing with her really scary son? She'd never really wanted Light there anyway, it had just been to save his sanity and prevent him from becoming completely delusional, also he just never left. It was time for Light to grow up and find a place of his own. On the other hand throwing out Light would probably have unimaginable horrific consequences that would result eventually in his return to her apartment.

"I throw him out, you find out where Raye is and get rid of the cats." Naomi said putting out her hand to seal the deal with a handshake.

Duck contemplated her hand for a moment amid the mewling cats and then reached out tentatively with his own, "Deal."

And Naomi had the terrible feeling she had just struck a bargain with the devil himself.

_If a tree falls in the woods _

_And no one is there to hear it _

_Does it make a sound?_

_On a similar note,_

_If you got married but no one ever noticed_

_Then does your husband even exist?_

_In my opinion, the answer is no_

_No he does not_

**Author's Note: Well I'm not dead. Just haven't updated in a while. Also I've realized this story has gotten so ridiculous that it absolutely needs cats. Also, I will bring together these crazy sub-plots eventually, they're just taking a while. Raye isn't going to stay kidnapped forever, but if you're anything like me then you really don't care about Raye. Thank you for the reviews they are appreciated and will be appreciated if left again. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


	79. Chapter 79

Considering Naomi had commuted back and forth to work at least three times that day she decided to wait for Light to come home and break the news. Besides if she went back to L's apartment now she might run into L and she really couldn't handle that right now. She wondered if Near's poor employee had left yet or if he was still standing awkwardly in headquarters listening to Matsuda as he plotted his next season, Light as he declared himself god of the task force, and Mello as he ranted about how fabulous he was and also how he wasn't Mello. It was enough to break the hardest of men, she hoped Near appreciated insanity because there was no way that man was making it out mentally unscathed.

So she waited in her cat filled apartment as more cats appeared out of thin air and Duck argued with nothing telling it that he had enough cats for the moment and could it please leave and do something useful.

She was finally kicking Light out of her apartment. It should have been a joyous occasion of epiphanies and self-realization and some other motivational shit she just couldn't come up with at the moment. She wasn't happy though, not even really relieved, she felt curiously empty; like she had somehow always known this day had come but had hoped that it wouldn't be today or tomorrow or any other day.

No more squatting young adults. No more insults. No more arguments about the morality of murder. Nothing, just quiet. So why wasn't she feeling better about this decision? She'd always threatened to do it, chased after him waving her hands telling him that it was coming soon, the day that she'd throw him back to Misa and watch as she destroyed him, she'd always said she'd do it. So here she was, waiting to do just that.

So why wasn't she happy?

She always said she'd just been putting up with Light. He wasn't really her friend, he was just the serial killer who stalked her and couldn't be driven away without endangering her life or her family. She had always said she was just resigned to his presence, even if he was the only one who ever really listened to her, the only one who respected her, the only one who actually understood a word she said. She'd just been putting up with him after all.

Or at least she had thought that until that moment when she made up her mind to do what she had always threatened to do.

There really was only one conclusion to make, "I've grown accustomed to his face."

She looked across the room to where her son was attempting to manage the horde of cats all the while her own words ringing in her ears and refusing to leave her mind.

Henry Higgins had it right, damn damn damn.

It was always Light in the end, Light Yagami self-acclaimed god, who she waited to tell about her day. Light looking slightly bored, a little exasperated, and tried by the tedious existence of attempting to become god of a 'new world' who listened and understood the trials of working for L and smiled at her like he understood exactly what she was saying. Always there, always present, in that same sphere of thought as her.

He was everywhere and then he wouldn't be anymore. Just like that, a few packed bags and he was gone. As if he had never existed in the first place.

"Oh it's not like that, I mean before he started stalking me I never even knew he existed." She said to herself. She'd lived without him before, for more than twenty years she'd lived without him. Suffered through LABB without him even, she could do it again.

Still, how much easier would it have been to deal with Beyond Birthday if Light had been there as well. He'd probably have let the poor bastard burn himself to death as planned she could just picture the displeased expression on his face and his brief dismissal suggesting they go get ramen instead since they were clearly wasting their time. Or he'd deliver his burnt crisp of a body personally to L complete with a gift basket.

Without Light who would understand when she complained about how her apartment was filled with cats because her son thought he was god? Without Light though how could she ever get Raye back?

Raye really had always been there for her. Been there without insults, murder, or stalking. They were married and had been engaged long before she met Light Yagami. He didn't deserve rotting in some hell-hole just because Light had a tacky stalker. He was the normal one, her rock, her sense of stability in a world that seemed on the brink of an abyss.

So Light had to go, that was the end, the easiest thing to do really.

Somehow she had the feeling it wouldn't be that easy.

She sighed and looked at her son who was still struggling valiantly with the sea of cats, "Duck, I thought you said the death god was getting rid of the cats."

Duck glared, "Yes, well, one can't have minions and expect them to be competent, otherwise they wouldn't be minions now would they?"

Naomi thought on that statement, "Mello's minions are more competent than he is, does he count?"

Duck did not appreciate the flaw in his logic being pointed out by his mother. He also wasn't appreciating the cats, he was looking at the window with a calculating look.

"Duck, I think it's illegal to throw cats out the window." Not to mention it might kill someone if a cat landed on them.

Duck just gave her a look and moved to the door instead and began throwing cats out into the hall. Naomi just sighed, when was Light going to get his ass back here. It might take a while between getting rid of Mello and gloating over his newest victory over L.

Maybe she should just call him.

With that she brought out her cell phone and proceeded to call Light. It was a rather odd experience, having been the stalking victim it was never her who did the calling or texting but rather it was always Light. She usually didn't respond to his texts either as most of the time they were vague threats, explicit threats, or venting sessions.

So Light sounded a little surprised when he answered the phone, "Naomi?"

"Yeah…" Naomi said trailing off hoping that something better would follow, but she really couldn't think of any legitimate reason to call him.

"…I am kind of busy at the moment." Light noted after a minute or so of awkward silence via telephone, "If you aren't actually going to say anything you might as well save me cell phone minutes."

And Naomi said the first thing that popped into her head, "My apartment is filled with cats."

"…What?"

"Yeah…" Naomi trailed off again looking at the cats who had begun to overwhelm her four year old son, "It was an act of god."

"…Are you upset that I delegated the task of finding Ryuzaki to you?" Light asked, she could just imagine his raised eyebrows. She supposed it was just one of those things you had to see to believe.

"Well now that you ask yes, but really, my apartment is filled with cats. There's at least thirty in here and that's after Duck threw a dozen into the hallway, and they just keep coming." Naomi said and then sighed as her statement proved to be true with the addition of more cats out of thin air.

"And you say this is an act of god?" Light asked.

"Well they are appearing rather spontaneously." Naomi commented, "Look, just get back here and help me figure out what the hell is going on and get these damn things out of my apartment."

"I'm in the middle of something." Light said shortly. "I also fail to see how this is my problem."

How was it, that even when she wasn't in the same room as him, she wanted to punch his beautiful face. "You live in my house too if you don't remember, so it is your problem that cats are spontaneously appearing! Also since you keep claiming to be God this must somehow be your fault."

"I'm not sure that's how god complexes actually work, Naomi." Light said dimly and then sighed, "Can you wait an hour or two, I'm very close to ridding the world of Failure and I'd hate to see that fall through."

It took her to realize that he meant Failure as in Mello rather than failure as in the real thing, although to Light they were probably the same, "Wait, you're still trying to dump Mello on Near's messenger?"

"It seemed like the logical place to put him. Unless you want me to throw him out the window like you did with Matsuda." In the background she heard a muffled 'hey' as Matsuda realized Light was talking about him.

When she first met Light she might have tried to explain that throwing people out of windows was not a viable option. However she now knew that teaching morals to Light was impossible and didn't even bother trying.

"How do you know Near won't just do the same thing and send him back?" Naomi couldn't help but ask.

The silence on Light's end told her that he hadn't thought of that, to tell the truth she hadn't really either. None of them had really given Near a moment's thought, between Mello, Raye's disappearance, L, and Light he just didn't seem to demand that much attention. When trying to picture him she literally came up blank, she just pictured a few finger puppets, as that was the only image L had given when they had been introduced.

"Somehow I can't picture that happening." Light finally said, which meant he was having the same problem she was. After all, what could possibly top Mello?

Well, she guessed Light would have to cross that river when he came to it. She moved onto her next question, "Are we getting rid of Matt too?"

Another round of silence, followed finally by, "Who?"

She'd take that as a no, knowing Matt he'd probably just follow Mello to his doom anyway only to be ignored by Near. She almost felt bad for him but she supposed that by hanging out with the most attention grabbing flamboyant man she had ever seen he brought the overshadowing on himself. Also she really didn't care.

"Right, well, whenever that gets finished up I really need you to come back." Naomi said finally shooing a cat away from her foot.

"To get rid of cats." Light finished blandly.

"Yes." Naomi said.

There was another moment of silence, probably Light trying to figure out if she was making up the cats just to get him to come back or if her life was really that ridiculous. At this point he should have realized she was telling the truth, although she did have the ulterior motive of throwing him out of her apartment to save Raye which was still a really weird thing to think about. Finally she heard him sigh.

"Fine, I'll be over later."

Then he hung up.

"Son of a bitch," She proclaimed, he sent her letters all the time, flooded her text message inbox and e-mail, and the one time called him he hung up on her as if she was nothing more than a nuisance. That was it, she was throwing him the hell out of her apartment and straight into Misa's loving embrace. Light had always said L's fate was worse than death, wait till he tasted his.

"Duck," She called out to her son who was still getting mauled by cats, "Put Light's things in a box, we've got some packing to do!"

_Attached is a final picture _

_Of our dear friend Frodo sans Fellowship_

_As he heads out to Mordor to his certain death._

_I think it's beautiful. _

**Author's Note: I can't believe it, is this romcom actually a romcom? Who knew? Anyway, character development aside, thank you to readers and reviewers you all are wonderful. Reviews are appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. **


	80. Chapter 80

And so Light was met with the sight of all his worldly belongings in a few boxes in the hallway each labeled accordingly. At first Naomi had waited outside with the boxes, but when he hadn't showed up by eleven she'd decided to go to sleep, as it was she was woken up by his furious pounding on the door at three am. He looked almost as worn down as she was, his normally perfect appearance slightly wrinkled, which for Light was the equivalent of having a massive hangover and looking like a crack addict.

"What the hell do you want?" Naomi asked as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and glared at Light.

"What the hell do I… You called me!" Light pointed out, "About cats if I might remind you, of which I haven't seen…"

The cats began to trickle out of the apartment, slowly at first but then with greater speed. Light watched them go in fascination for a few moments before shaking his head and attempting to regain his composure, "Well, I guess there were cats. But that doesn't explain why all my stuff is in the hallway!"

It was almost sweet, that he actually came, but it would have been better if he had come at an hour that wasn't ungodly and had actually responded like someone who wasn't an asshole when asked to do a favor.

Naomi just gave him a dull look, "Oh, that's because I've decided to throw you out. Go live with Misa or something."

Naomi slammed the door shut and wondered if she'd be able to go back to sleep tonight. Light's furious knocking resumed, she guessed not then, she wrenched open the door.

"You're throwing me out?! After five years!" Light scream-whispered, attempting to be polite in front of the neighbors who only put up with so many of Naomi's shenanigans at a time, "You have no idea what kind of shit I've put up with today, I don't have time for this, let me in!"

"The kind of shit you put up with?" Naomi asked incredulous, "Really? I have no idea? My apartment is filled with cats for no explicable reason, the kidnapper of my husband apparently won't give him back unless I throw you out, and you sent me on a mission to tell L bad news at whatever hole he's crawled into. Yeah, I have no idea."

"I had to deal with Mello, that is far worse than any amount of cats. And what do you mean the kidnapper demanded you throw me out?" Light asked.

"They sent me a note in cut out magazine letters telling me to kick you to the curb, so I'm following that advice." Naomi said wondering if slamming the door again would do any good, she knew it wouldn't, but it was a kind of wishful thinking she liked to indulge in at three am.

"You're kicking me out for the wallpaper?" Light asked incredulously, not accusingly at all, as if he was shocked that the very idea could occur to anyone.

For a serial killer who fooled everyone by pretending to be a charming prince he really had no tact sometimes.

"Yes." Naomi said bluntly. Light blinked at the directness of her response seemingly at a loss that he was being thrown out of the apartment in favor of what he referred to as the wallpaper.

Finally he managed to ask in a voice that was genuinely confused, "Really?"

Naomi lost it and began shouting, "Oh goddammit you have got to be kidding me! We're married Light, for five years Raye and I have been married. My husband, my son's father, and you thought that I would sacrifice him just so that the squatter with an ego problem can continue to not pay rent. Really? Is that how that went in your head?"

"…Your son's father?" Light asked dubiously appearing to ignore the rest of that rant entirely.

"More of a father than you, jackass!"

Light's eyebrow raised and said in a rather lofty tone, "Because I knew for years that I had a bastard son, and didn't find out a few weeks ago, or anything like that."

Oh no, he was not bringing that into this, there were reasons Light had not been told that the antichrist was his son. Very good reasons that mostly were her fear of them actually getting along and destroying the world together, at least now they had to destroy or deter each other first before taking over the world. It was a slightly better predicament.

"And what if you did Light?" Naomi raged, "What if you did know? Are you telling me, in complete honesty, that you actually would have made a decent father figure? Really?" She could see it now, Light at parent teacher day, all the mothers oogling and whispering about her affair with a really young attractive man and his complete disinterest in everything.

"At least I'm not wallpaper." Light pointed out.

"Raye isn't even wallpaper! I don't even know where you came up with that!" Naomi argued, "It's like you have this belief that if you say things enough times they suddenly become true."

"I do not."

"I'm god of the new world?" Naomi offered.

"But I am god of the new world." Light responded now with furrowed eyebrows as he began to question Naomi's ability to use logic.

"No you're not," Naomi said interrupting and quickly continued her list, "I have good intentions? Raye Penber is wallpaper? I don't get high off the murders of rapists and other murderers? I can keep going, you know, if I really wanted to."

"All true, I don't say them to make them true I just have to remind everyone else that they're true." Light said with a wave of his hand, "If I didn't say anything people would assume that Matsuda's theories are correct, and I just won't stand for that."

"Yeah, completely buying that." Naomi said and crossed her arms, "Light, I'm really kicking you out you know, so pick up your damn boxes and take a taxi over to wherever it is Misa lives."

"I thought we agreed that it was bad for my psyche, and thus the state of the world, for me to live with Misa." Light pointed out.

"Yeah, well, that was before." Naomi said.

"Before what?"

"Today."

Light seemed dumbfounded, standing in the hallway in the middle of the night, his suit wrinkled from work and looking as if he wanted nothing more than to sleep. "Is this because I overthrew you? Because Naomi, everyone saw that coming."

He just wasn't getting it, at all. It was almost painful to watch as the gears in his head whirred together trying to come up with just exactly Naomi found wrong with the predicament.

"You're so hopeless, Light." Naomi finally said after she watched him watch her in confusion for a moment or two. "Have a nice life."

She made to shut the door but this time it wasn't Light who interrupted her but rather something from her own apartment.

"Dammit mother, I thought I told you I wanted to film this! Have you started already? Can you pretend it hasn't happened yet?" Duck rushed forward with a video camera in hand and an eager grin looking very wide awake at three am.

Finally Light commented, "And I see Raye Penber's impeccable fathering capabilities in action."

"Shut up, Light!"

Duck waved a hand effectively dismissing Raye, "The wallpaper is not my father."

"Duck!"

Light tilted his head in a curious manner, "Really, see Naomi, even your bastard son admits that the wallpaper is not a suitable father figure."

"He is not wallpaper!"

Duck responded to Light with a rather bland expression, "Very true, but don't use the wallpaper's incompetence as an argument in your favor. You're not doing very well in your fathership rankings either Darth Vader."

"Raye is not incompetent, he's just… well…" Naomi trailed off trying to think of a word but ultimately failed to find one.

"I'm hardly Darth Vader, I'm the emperor not his deformed lackey; besides my paternal capabilities are just fine." Light responded with a shrug.

Duck's eyebrows raised as he filmed Light's actions, "As the victim of said capabilities I'm finding myself doubting the accuracy of that statement."

"Give an example." Light said.

"Remember that one time you filled in for a babysitter," Duck said, "because I do."

"That's hardly representative, besides most of that was your fault." Light said.

"I don't think its common practice for the father to blame the four year old." Duck pointed out.

"Yes, well you're also a hell-demon so it all works out." Light said with a shrug.

"Because all wonderful fathers call their children hell-demons to their faces, what on earth have mother and I been thinking this whole time?"

Light sighed and looked at the pair of them, "Of course, after all you refer to me as Ted Bundy. Are you sure this isn't just your Oedipus complex speaking?"

"Wait… what?" At the word Oedipus Naomi's mind began to break under the strain and she looked from Light to her son who seemed to be involved in some intense battle of wills.

"That," Duck said in a soft and horrifyingly dangerous tone, "was uncalled for."

Meanwhile Naomi's brain was spluttering and dying a terrible agonizing death because when faced with that theory what else was she supposed to do.

"Was it?" Light said musingly, "My apologies, I assumed it was obvious to anyone who had eyes."

"Glehhhh…" That was the sound Naomi assumed she was making but it was difficult to tell as her brain was still in shut down mode.

"Oh look what you've done now, you've broken mother." Duck said pointing to Naomi's currently brain-dead space. "Great plan, if that was how you planned to convince her to let you back inside."

"I've broken… I'm not the one who…"

Naomi broke out of her state just enough to interrupt Light, "Don't say it, don't even think it, don't you dare finish that sentence."

They both turned to look at her with blank expressions as if trying to think what expression would best mollify her. She took a deep breath in and let it out.

"I," Naomi began in a very deliberate voice, "am done for today."

She pointed to Light, "You, will pick up your boxes and leave."

Then she pointed to Duck, "And you, will go back inside and go back to sleep. Now."

Amazingly enough neither said a word and went to their appointed tasks while Naomi watched with dead soulless eyes and soon enough both had made their selves scarce and only Naomi was left standing in the hallway at three am. Well, Naomi and the few straggling cats.

She actually had no conclusion for the events except for the fact that Light had disappeared and taken the boxes with him.

"…Success?"

_Misa apparently expects sex_

_The reason I'm telling you this is because _

_I want you to feel just as uncomfortable as I do right now_

_I thought about going into detail_

_But I figured the image conjured by that one sentence is more than enough. _

**Author's Note: And so Light is forced once again to live with Misa and the world is clearly doomed. Or was it doomed already? Thank you for reading and reviewing you guys are great, reviews are welcome. **

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Death Note**


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